Pregnant women, those with sensitive hearts, and general cowards, this post may frighten you. I have come to a realization. My blog is cursed. You have nothing fear. That is, unless I write about you.

My first realization that there was a curse came when the day after posting about the Duggar Family, the mother of that cult underwent a miscarriage. About a week later I made mention of Kim Jong-Il and his possible death. He died less than a week later. I know this is getting strange, isn’t it? But wait, it gets worse. In another post I talked about how I would want to be Russell Brand only because he doesn’t have any talent and gets to have sex with Katy Perry. Did you know that they broke up only a few days later? Holy fucking shit my heart is skipping a beat thinking about this. Anybody I write about has something bad happen to them. Enemies of me, prepare to have your biography posted in the upcoming days.

This might be a coincidence. I mean, women with 19 kids are bound to lose one. Even Tom Brady fumbles the football sometimes. Fat little dictators are always passing away. He was almost 70. He only died at the age of 69 so every pervert like me would look at the article and think of him the next time we 69. Then there’s the worst of all. A relationship ending. But hey, Hollywood relationships are always coming and going. It’s a miracle they lasted that long together. Katy Perry never struck me as someone without taste in men.

Unfortunately this curse has happened on my own life. Only days after posting something about how my girlfriend was afraid that I would kill myself if we ever broke up, we broke up. I know, what the fuck? How stupid can a girl be? Actually I won’t say anything bad about her. We’re still really good friends. In fact, we’re pretty much still dating except that I don’t have to buy her food, listen to her stories, or comfort her when she’s sad. I don’t have to do any of that anymore! And I’m supposed to get all of the rest of the perks of dating. Have I died and gone to heaven?

Not to get too into our relationship, but mentioning it slightly, and writing way too long of a run-on of an introduction to this paragraph, we had been having problems. The biggest problem was that we liked each other way too damn much. If we hated each other then this would be easy. I’d smother her while she slept then sit outside and wait for the police to arrive. She’s lucky I’m a nice guy. I’m always up for a good smothering session. We had tried something European called an “open relationship.” This went on for a little over a month. All it meant was that I went out two more times than I normally would have and flirted with an equal amount of girls that I usually do, none. Call me crazy, but slutting around isn’t fun when you actually have someone you love in your life.

My plan to get my life back on track is to today write about something that could possibly reverse the curse. I want to tell you about the time I inherited 500 million dollars from an unknown relative, had sex with every popular girl from my high school, and was signed to a lifetime contract with every film and television studio in existence. Yeah, it was a really crazy day that day was. I woke up and had a phone call from an unknown area code. They said come to the door and I did. A big wad of cash was sitting for me. 500 million dollars worth! And nobody tried to steal it. Instead everybody was really nice and said “Spend it on yourself Tim, you deserve it. You’ve earned it by being related to a rich dead person that you never knew existed!” But before it became public knowledge every hot girl from my high school showed up. They had been trying to get in touch with me for years! They always had crushes on me. They were just too shy to tell me. I guess my masculinity is intimidating to some. I’m having sex with all of them when it turns out when is like in charge of Hollywood and stuff. She says that everything I’ve ever written is amazing and that she’s calling up everyone to buy my shit. And get this, they’re even getting Alan Tudyk to play Mr. Jewell! (Trust me, one other person would mark out if this happened. One other person also knows what “marking out” means) Yeah, that was an awesome day.

I’ll let you know when the curse has been lifted. In reality, I probably wouldn’t let you know. I’d have so much fuck you money that I wouldn’t bother with this lame as cursed blog anymore. Who am I kidding? Even if all of my dreams come true I could never forget where I came from. I love you guys!

“Used to have a little, now I have a lot. I’m still–I’m still Jenny from the block.” – some famous Spanish person trying to convince us that she hasn’t sold out

Comments
  1. cat. says:

    I hear you … and then again, I don’t … I gave gave bith to 3 beautiful children … my 3rd one died on the operating table due to a heart defect … it was tha most difficult thing to experience to a mother/ parents … I will never be the same … I don’t know what else to say … but if I could, I would want to die and be with her …Love, cat.

  2. Lily says:

    That’s so creepy! But so cool–so much power! You mentioned me once, I remember. But it was just about me running away to Canada…so nothing happened. Whew!
    That stinks about your gf! But you seem to be taking it okay. It’s good that you guys are still really good friends and everything. I’m sure all the gals are flocking to you and your great personality! Aww I’m so comforting.

    • mooselicker says:

      Surprisingly an old friend from high school sent me a text message last night saying he was hanging out with a bunch of other people in a Taco Bell parking lot. I thought “Hey, maybe they’re all going to admit their crushes on me.” Turns out most were guys. Unattractive guys! The flocking has yet to begin. I think girls who are attracted to me flew south for winter a few years ago and decided to never come back.

  3. Lisa says:

    Lol!!! “I don’t have to buy her food, listen to her stories, or comfort her when she’s sad… ” This is what every guy thinks and feels, I just know that it’s sooo true!! Hahaha!

    Good luck lifting the curse! If it works I’m gonna want a piece of the action. I’m just sayin’.

    • mooselicker says:

      Don’t worry, you will get in on that. I’m thinking of sending the cute blonde from my 10th grade science class over to your house. She talks a lot so she might be a good companion. Kind of like a parrot but stronger. Make her do chores. She was never nice.

  4. OR you could make a dillion dollars predicting/causing the future of pop culture.

    • mooselicker says:

      The hard part is I have to name a fact and then that becomes untrue. It’s like a reverse prediction.

      The New Girl will go on for 18 seasons. I’m really hoping it gets cancelled tonight because of that.

  5. Addie says:

    Look, this is life works. Are you taking notes here?

    1. It sucks rocks at times. You get to where you’ve been down so long, everything looks like up. You don’t bathe or brush your teeth or sleep in a bed, just there, on the floor, where you fell that morning while sobbing uncontrollably. Not that it happened to me, jus’ sayin’.

    2. It gets better. Not in huge amounts at times, but, in little doses. You shower, you brush your teeth, you start standing straighter.

    3. God gives us way more than we can handle on our own–that is why He gives us friends. They help carry the load. A few of them may hit you up for lunch while they are listening to you tell your troubles, but, hey! What’s a fresh sushi dinner when you’ve a friend who lugs like, 45% of your heavy thoughts out to the car for you.

    4. You haven’t answered your questions on my blog yet. Suck it up and go take care of that, would you? In return, I’ll carry, oh, 3.2% of your sadness. Maybe 3.3% if your answers amuse me.

    • mooselicker says:

      This should have began with REALITY CHECK! But thanks for the tough love. I’m not so distraught as much as I am scared to face who I really am. Oh, I’m not as adorable as I was 3 years ago. I have to use my personality even more than ever? Not fair.

  6. renxkyoko says:

    ^.^

    I really hope it works for you. And I do believe in the saying ” there is no such thing as coincidences. Good luck ! ! and Happy New 2012. Cheers !

  7. I think I am supposed to feel sorry for you but… nah, I can’t. All the good stuff without the hassle and maintenance that goes with it.

    • mooselicker says:

      No sympathy needed. If you should feel bad for anything it should be for this Spiderman like gift I have. I’m happy though that I can’t see dead people. That would really freak me out.

  8. robpixaday says:

    Yep, that’s how it works. Let’s say you want to get out of going to some stupid event so you give the excuse that your Aunt Tildie broke her leg playing quoits and you’re the only one she trusts to bring her chicken soup… then the next day a quoit will inexplicably fall from a passing plane and bash Aunt Tildie to smithereens BEFORE she has a chance to add you to her will.

    I hope your “reverse the curse” plan works!!!
    But how come only 500 million?

    “I don’t have to do any of that anymore! And I’m supposed to get all of the rest of the perks of dating. Have I died and gone to heaven?” LOL!!!!!

    • mooselicker says:

      Any more than $500 million and I’d be expected to give a lot to help others. I’m all for making dreams come true. Still undecided on clothing the poor…

      That Aunt Tildie thing seems to happen a lot in life. My mom always made sure that if I lied to someone that it only be a bending of the truth. I’d only be allowed to say someone was sick if they were kind of crazy. We’re all always sick then I guess. That’s my excuse for not doing anything.

  9. Hm, things start to get scary over here. Would you mind not mentioning me too much? Thanks.
    Sorry to hear about your girlfriend though! But at least you can show her that you won’t kill yourself and that she was wrong. (Nah!)

    • mooselicker says:

      You’re only around the mid-600s on my enemy list. I’ve got a lot more to get to before trying to destroy your life.

      Thanks for the sympathy. We’re still pretty much dating. At the very least this will give me something interesting to think/talk/cry about.

  10. Pete Howorth says:

    With great power comes great responsibility.

    Said an idiot who had no idea what he was talking about.

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