Pregnant women, those with sensitive hearts, and general cowards, this post may frighten you. I have come to a realization. My blog is cursed. You have nothing fear. That is, unless I write about you.
My first realization that there was a curse came when the day after posting about the Duggar Family, the mother of that cult underwent a miscarriage. About a week later I made mention of Kim Jong-Il and his possible death. He died less than a week later. I know this is getting strange, isn’t it? But wait, it gets worse. In another post I talked about how I would want to be Russell Brand only because he doesn’t have any talent and gets to have sex with Katy Perry. Did you know that they broke up only a few days later? Holy fucking shit my heart is skipping a beat thinking about this. Anybody I write about has something bad happen to them. Enemies of me, prepare to have your biography posted in the upcoming days.
This might be a coincidence. I mean, women with 19 kids are bound to lose one. Even Tom Brady fumbles the football sometimes. Fat little dictators are always passing away. He was almost 70. He only died at the age of 69 so every pervert like me would look at the article and think of him the next time we 69. Then there’s the worst of all. A relationship ending. But hey, Hollywood relationships are always coming and going. It’s a miracle they lasted that long together. Katy Perry never struck me as someone without taste in men.
Unfortunately this curse has happened on my own life. Only days after posting something about how my girlfriend was afraid that I would kill myself if we ever broke up, we broke up. I know, what the fuck? How stupid can a girl be? Actually I won’t say anything bad about her. We’re still really good friends. In fact, we’re pretty much still dating except that I don’t have to buy her food, listen to her stories, or comfort her when she’s sad. I don’t have to do any of that anymore! And I’m supposed to get all of the rest of the perks of dating. Have I died and gone to heaven?
Not to get too into our relationship, but mentioning it slightly, and writing way too long of a run-on of an introduction to this paragraph, we had been having problems. The biggest problem was that we liked each other way too damn much. If we hated each other then this would be easy. I’d smother her while she slept then sit outside and wait for the police to arrive. She’s lucky I’m a nice guy. I’m always up for a good smothering session. We had tried something European called an “open relationship.” This went on for a little over a month. All it meant was that I went out two more times than I normally would have and flirted with an equal amount of girls that I usually do, none. Call me crazy, but slutting around isn’t fun when you actually have someone you love in your life.
My plan to get my life back on track is to today write about something that could possibly reverse the curse. I want to tell you about the time I inherited 500 million dollars from an unknown relative, had sex with every popular girl from my high school, and was signed to a lifetime contract with every film and television studio in existence. Yeah, it was a really crazy day that day was. I woke up and had a phone call from an unknown area code. They said come to the door and I did. A big wad of cash was sitting for me. 500 million dollars worth! And nobody tried to steal it. Instead everybody was really nice and said “Spend it on yourself Tim, you deserve it. You’ve earned it by being related to a rich dead person that you never knew existed!” But before it became public knowledge every hot girl from my high school showed up. They had been trying to get in touch with me for years! They always had crushes on me. They were just too shy to tell me. I guess my masculinity is intimidating to some. I’m having sex with all of them when it turns out when is like in charge of Hollywood and stuff. She says that everything I’ve ever written is amazing and that she’s calling up everyone to buy my shit. And get this, they’re even getting Alan Tudyk to play Mr. Jewell! (Trust me, one other person would mark out if this happened. One other person also knows what “marking out” means) Yeah, that was an awesome day.
I’ll let you know when the curse has been lifted. In reality, I probably wouldn’t let you know. I’d have so much fuck you money that I wouldn’t bother with this lame as cursed blog anymore. Who am I kidding? Even if all of my dreams come true I could never forget where I came from. I love you guys!
“Used to have a little, now I have a lot. I’m still–I’m still Jenny from the block.” – some famous Spanish person trying to convince us that she hasn’t sold out