Posted: January 7, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

It’s nice when people give to charity. One time I was made to feel guilty for not wanting to give a dollar to a children’s hospital. I changed my mind and donated that dollar. I couldn’t buy what I wanted anymore because I had just enough for it. But hey, I’m a good guy. I paid for a pudding cup for some sick kid.

The most charitable people are celebrities. Why? Because they want to fool us into thinking they’re not demons spawned from the ass of Satan. If you have ever been on television, you are evil. There’s no question about it. Grab your Bible and turn to page 234. There’s a picture of Satan there. Look closely at his asshole. You see that? Yep, the cast of Glee. Open up your eyes man. The signs of evil are all around us.

I saw an article today on Yahoo about actress/singer/anorexic role model Zooey Deschanel. Yeah she has two O’s in her name because one would mean she was a sellout and not trendy. Apparently she’s a real miser. But in the article they say she can manage her money well. Okay, no. I am a very cheap person. Like extremely cheap. I’m not afraid to say it. I hate spending money. When a famous person does it I guess it means they’re not an idiot. I cannot accept that. Millionaires need yachts and walls made of women’s breasts. Anything less is being a pretentious douche.

Here are some stats from the article:

Salary from TV show “New Girl” — $95,000 per month
Dining-out expenses — $500 per month
Clothing expenses — $2,000 per month
Laundry/cleaning expenses — $600 per month
Cell phone and email expenses — $300 per month
Charitable donations — $1,500 per month
Credit card debt — $0 

And here are my equivalent points:

-$95,000 a month for not entertaining me or being funny? Andy Dick must be the wealthiest man alive.

-$500 a month for eating out. This isn’t that amazing. Look at her. She doesn’t eat. She probably eats one expensive piece of fish a month.

-$2,000 a month on clothing, small “look at me I’m poor” clothing. She spends 4 times more on clothes than she does on food. An essential part of survival. I hope no terrorists read this because they will blow us all up.

-$600 for cleaning her expensive and many clothing items. I spend close to $15 probably a month. Maybe more. I’m not sure. I don’t do anything more than wash my clothes. I don’t get paid to suck and pretend to be awkward on film.

-$300 a month for cell phone and email expenses? Email expenses? Email is free! Poorly written. She probably has one iPhone and is probably always on the Internet looking up bad reviews of her show. At least, there should be many bad reviews.

-$1,500 for charitable donations. Okay. The main event. This might take a bit longer than the rest.

$1,500 month means that she’s donating $18,000 a year to charity. Hey, not bad. Nobody reading this can probably say they’ve ever donated that much in a year. That’s as much as Joe Millionaire would make a year. But wait a second. She doesn’t make near that much a year. She makes $95,000 a month. Ready for some math? $1,500 is approximately 1.5% of her monthly income. 1.5%!!! That’s like nothing. That doesn’t even deserve to be considered as donating to charity. I blow 1.5% of my money a month on my electric bill. Maybe not I don’t feel like doing the math for that. My point is that she isn’t really giving all that much.

The average salary of working Americans is like what, $30,000ish? 1.5% of their yearly salary would be $450. I don’t find it hard to believe that a few people with that income don’t donate that much to charity a year. Lets break it down even more because I can. $30,000 divided by 12 equals $2,500, the average per month. What’s 1.5% of that? $37.50. Not even $40. Am I proving my point here? I’ll sum it up for you. A millionaire donating $1,500 a month to charity is the same as if an average Joe donated $37.50. Yeah. I’m not impressed with her either.

I will say that it’s nice that she donates anything to charity. I’m sure it’s to lame ones like “Save the Whales” or “Kill the Sitcom.” Really, her show stinks and that’s the only reason why I bother to acknowledge her existence. I’m sure it’s not her fault that the show sucks so bad. She certainly doesn’t help matters. If you are one that disagrees with me and think her show is awesome then please tell me one joke or post one video from YouTube of the show being funny, original, or entertaining. I’m mostly sending you on this journey because you’re more likely to find the Lost Ark of the Covenant. And hey if you find that then you’re better than Indiana Jones.

Here’s the link to the article so you know I’m not full of it.

And here’s a still photo of a cartoon clown juggling. Much more entertaining to stare at for 30 minutes than anything on “The New Girl.” (Shouldn’t at least one of the balls be in his hands at all times?)

  1. Lily says:

    Ugh I was in a sorority and we had to do Philanthropy. Hatred. I only like giving money to things that have to do with saving animals. When people ask me if I want to donate to St. Jude’s children hospital I always say “nope”. I’m probs going to hell.
    I hate the cast of Glee more than anything and I agree with you about Zooey. I only refer to her as Zoo-e since that’s how she spells her dumb name.
    I don’t know if you saw 500 Days of Summer, but you might still find this funny if you didn’t.

    • I hate her new show because I loved her in 500 days of summer so much. But that was before it was cool to like her. (JK, in case you couldn’t tell…about the second statement.)

    • mooselicker says:

      I did see it and I enjoyed that cartoon even more despite J. Gordon-Levitt looking like a GI Joe. I hate people who only listen to music that’s “unsigned” or “underground.” That doesn’t mean they’re different or unique. It means they’re either not good or too big of brats to deal with record labels.

  2. mindwarpfx says:

    Well I wonder how many people will go to their bibles to check out page 234, Just by you mentioning the picture of the cast of glee? Just a thought. Fun and funny stuff with that.

    • Addie says:

      I did. And, as usual, he was right. Except it also had the cast of ‘Whitney’ and ‘New Girl’ included. Who knew?

    • mooselicker says:

      It would be weird if on page 234 there really is something that could be somewhat related. Do Bibles even have pictures? I think some do. Not the kind of coloring which is unfortunate.

  3. Addie says:

    Lily in Canada is right, her name should be pronounced Zoo-e. When two vowels go walking, the first one does the talking. I’m a bit ashamed I remember that.

    Here’s my take on charity–I only support organizations that are there for children. Yes, I know dolphins and whales and dogs and cats need help.. I also know that if you have a species that is willing to prostitute their own young, to starve them to death, maim them, kill them, abuse them (and that’s in the 1st World countries–imagine what happens in the 3rd World) I can pretty much guarantee the members of that species will have no problem kicking a dog. My kids tell me one day I’ll be shot because I say things to people who are being mean to their kids. They also say they are proud of me for the same reason. Go figure.

    As far as Zoo-e goes. Eff her. I never found her talented in any sense. Gosh, I sound so bitter.

    • mooselicker says:

      I think it’s great to support any charity and for any reason. I hate it though when we make it into a big deal that a celebrity does it. If I donated $1,000 to charity then I wouldn’t even get a mention in a high school newspaper. Celebrities, can’t live with ’em, can’t put ’em all on Hollywood Squares.

  4. I don’t pretend to give a lot of money to charities by any means. I do what I can when I can. While doing some holiday shopping I saw the most precious little old man ringing his bell outside of WalMart for the Salvation Army, and I gave him the $3 I hadn’t spent in Wally World. I always donate at animal shelters or when I take Hugo to the vet.

    This automatically makes me a better person than you.

    • mooselicker says:

      I used to give all of my change to a zoo that helps disabled animals when I was a young boy. Then I’d feed them popcorn. Lets agree to disagree. We are both amazing human beings who do not need recognition for how charitable we are.

  5. Lisa says:

    Animals and children. Anything defenseless. I’m gonna say something really awful and shocking here…if I see one more pink ribbon for breast cancer I’m gonna go mental. I understand it’s a worthwhile and needed cause but for the love of all that is Holy do we have to have an entire month dedicated to it? How much money have they raised? A trillion billion dollars, that’s how much, and nothing yet to show for it. Okay, I’m finished with my politically incorrect statement.

    Zoo-ee = big eyes staring blankly = trying to be quirky and Indy = no talent

    • Adair says:

      You are my hero. All that link, and, lung cancer kills more women every year than breast, cervical, and the other female organs combined!! Why those effing pink ribbons? Because you can see boobies. There, I said it!! I need coffee.

    • mooselicker says:

      If you’re going to say anything like that I believe I am the person to say it to. My idea is that we should pour every dollar into one charity each year. I wrote a blog about it a while back when nobody read my blog. The jist was that each year we cure a disease because we will have all the money going toward it. It’s like the Amish getting together to raise a barn. If we all put our heads together then we’d be better off. I just need some kind of a rhyme scheme to get this going. Everyone can get behind a rhyme.

      • Addie says:

        I’m one of those who believes there is a cure, it simply a matter of making more money if you only supply medicines that are so expensive, you go bankrupt trying to take care of your loved one. I also believe in Zombies. So, I’m not sure how my view of things will be taken. I think you have a great idea, Moosie. I’m more than glad to help you out.

  6. I don’t ever donate to charity really but if I had to choose one it would be one that deals with youth in some form. I see it as a way of developing for the future.

    I don’t have much time for charities that deal with animals. As much as I like some animals at the end of the day that is all they are – animals. Some of the animal charities are bizarrely specific as well. There is one dedicated to caring for retired greyhound racing dogs!

    • mooselicker says:

      Would you be opposed to having sick children and retired grey hounds duking it out for the right of a charitable cash prize?

      Why am I asking? I know you’d love that. We all would.

  7. Emily He says:

    haha I read that article too, but I had a totally different reaction to it than you did! It might have to do with the fact that she is my actress/singer/not-that-anorexic role model, but 1500 a month for charity is not bad! (but you HAD to do the math and figure that it’s only1.5%…quit makin’ her look bad! She’s pretty). The only thing I can’t understand, though, is why people pay so much money for already expensive clothes that need to be dry-cleaned? It’s like a never-ending investment in an article of clothing that gets worn out by excessive washing!

    • mooselicker says:

      You and everyone else…

      I only like her because I think she’d be so incredibly disgusted to have to talk to me. What could I talk to her about? I don’t know any bands that don’t sell out arenas. She is my complete opposite in every way. I would love to make love to her and see the distraught on her face. She’d hate it. She’d never be able to be in a quirky movie ever again.

      • Emily He says:

        HAHAHA so grotesque! Sounds like she’s just too “indie” for you. it would be bad for her reputation if she sold out whole arenas. As for what you two could talk about…you could talk about everything you talk about on your blog, and she could nod her head politely and bat her pretty eyes at you. And then throw something SO WITTY and HILARIOUS at you that you’ll write a post the very next day professing your love for Zoooooey to which I would respond, “TOLD YOU SO!” I’m so mature.

      • mooselicker says:

        You should write some fan fiction about Zooey and I.

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