It’s nice when people give to charity. One time I was made to feel guilty for not wanting to give a dollar to a children’s hospital. I changed my mind and donated that dollar. I couldn’t buy what I wanted anymore because I had just enough for it. But hey, I’m a good guy. I paid for a pudding cup for some sick kid.
The most charitable people are celebrities. Why? Because they want to fool us into thinking they’re not demons spawned from the ass of Satan. If you have ever been on television, you are evil. There’s no question about it. Grab your Bible and turn to page 234. There’s a picture of Satan there. Look closely at his asshole. You see that? Yep, the cast of Glee. Open up your eyes man. The signs of evil are all around us.
I saw an article today on Yahoo about actress/singer/anorexic role model Zooey Deschanel. Yeah she has two O’s in her name because one would mean she was a sellout and not trendy. Apparently she’s a real miser. But in the article they say she can manage her money well. Okay, no. I am a very cheap person. Like extremely cheap. I’m not afraid to say it. I hate spending money. When a famous person does it I guess it means they’re not an idiot. I cannot accept that. Millionaires need yachts and walls made of women’s breasts. Anything less is being a pretentious douche.
Here are some stats from the article:
Salary from TV show “New Girl” — $95,000 per month
Dining-out expenses — $500 per month
Clothing expenses — $2,000 per month
Laundry/cleaning expenses — $600 per month
Cell phone and email expenses — $300 per month
Charitable donations — $1,500 per month
Credit card debt — $0
And here are my equivalent points:
-$95,000 a month for not entertaining me or being funny? Andy Dick must be the wealthiest man alive.
-$500 a month for eating out. This isn’t that amazing. Look at her. She doesn’t eat. She probably eats one expensive piece of fish a month.
-$2,000 a month on clothing, small “look at me I’m poor” clothing. She spends 4 times more on clothes than she does on food. An essential part of survival. I hope no terrorists read this because they will blow us all up.
-$600 for cleaning her expensive and many clothing items. I spend close to $15 probably a month. Maybe more. I’m not sure. I don’t do anything more than wash my clothes. I don’t get paid to suck and pretend to be awkward on film.
-$300 a month for cell phone and email expenses? Email expenses? Email is free! Poorly written. She probably has one iPhone and is probably always on the Internet looking up bad reviews of her show. At least, there should be many bad reviews.
-$1,500 for charitable donations. Okay. The main event. This might take a bit longer than the rest.
$1,500 month means that she’s donating $18,000 a year to charity. Hey, not bad. Nobody reading this can probably say they’ve ever donated that much in a year. That’s as much as Joe Millionaire would make a year. But wait a second. She doesn’t make near that much a year. She makes $95,000 a month. Ready for some math? $1,500 is approximately 1.5% of her monthly income. 1.5%!!! That’s like nothing. That doesn’t even deserve to be considered as donating to charity. I blow 1.5% of my money a month on my electric bill. Maybe not I don’t feel like doing the math for that. My point is that she isn’t really giving all that much.
The average salary of working Americans is like what, $30,000ish? 1.5% of their yearly salary would be $450. I don’t find it hard to believe that a few people with that income don’t donate that much to charity a year. Lets break it down even more because I can. $30,000 divided by 12 equals $2,500, the average per month. What’s 1.5% of that? $37.50. Not even $40. Am I proving my point here? I’ll sum it up for you. A millionaire donating $1,500 a month to charity is the same as if an average Joe donated $37.50. Yeah. I’m not impressed with her either.
I will say that it’s nice that she donates anything to charity. I’m sure it’s to lame ones like “Save the Whales” or “Kill the Sitcom.” Really, her show stinks and that’s the only reason why I bother to acknowledge her existence. I’m sure it’s not her fault that the show sucks so bad. She certainly doesn’t help matters. If you are one that disagrees with me and think her show is awesome then please tell me one joke or post one video from YouTube of the show being funny, original, or entertaining. I’m mostly sending you on this journey because you’re more likely to find the Lost Ark of the Covenant. And hey if you find that then you’re better than Indiana Jones.
Here’s the link to the article so you know I’m not full of it.
And here’s a still photo of a cartoon clown juggling. Much more entertaining to stare at for 30 minutes than anything on “The New Girl.” (Shouldn’t at least one of the balls be in his hands at all times?)