The most famous political family in the United States is probably the Kennedy Family. Well, one could argue that the Bush Family is more famous. So the Kennedy family is the most famous family whose name starts with a K. Unless you count the Kardashians. I don’t consider them human beings, but they do have social security numbers which makes them the same species as me. Yuck! Okay, so the Kennedy Family is the most famous family whom have never put out a sex tape. Actually, I remember hearing there was a sex tape of Marilyn Monroe. Rumor has it, the penis in the video belonged to a Kennedy. Where’s that leave us? The Kennedy Family is the most famous family with big heads? I can’t think of any others. Lets go with that.

(This was the handsome president???)

Everybody knows the political members of the Kennedy Family. The most famous being the president, John Federico (I’m guessing there) Kennedy, abbreviated JFK. He was assassinated in Dallas after promising to put a man on the moon by the end of the decade. I’m sure you’ve seen the video by now. It’s pretty popular online. Like pictures of cats with misspelled words or pictures of crashed cars with “Fail!” written below in bold white lettering. JFK getting shot is a meme. What a sick country.

The second most famous Kennedy is Robert Faustino (I’m assuming there) Kennedy, abbreviated RFK. He was also killed. The difference between the killings was that JFK died outside and RFK died inside. JFK’s murder has a lot of controversy behind it and RFK’s murderer has been claiming that he was under mind control spells by the government to do it. If you look in an encyclopedia, Lee Harvey Oswald is credited with the kill on JFK. A man named Sirhan Sirhan (because the name is so good you have to say it twice) is credited with the kill on RFK. JFK had a movie made about his murder. It was directed by Oliver Stone. Kevin Costner and Tommy Lee Jones were in it. RFK had a movie made about his murder. It was directed by Emilio Estevez. Lindsay Lohan was in that one. And that’s all you need to know about those two men.

Some of the lesser known people with the Kennedy name are much better than any of the politicians. We know how much Teddy Kennedy sucks. Most people named Teddy do. The name Teddy should be reserved for bears. Let us delve into the world of other Kennedy’s, not named Teddy. I will make predictions on how they will die and by whom.

Ian Kennedy

Starting pitcher for the Arizona Diamondbacks, Ian Kennedy had a phenomenal season last year. He was near the tops in the Cy Young Award voting for the National League. He’s never really been very good before last year either. I don’t believe he shares the same blood as any of the political family. It’s possible though. I can see him dying after a game while refusing to sign autographs. Baseball players hate signing autographs. They get off on disappointing fans. A man named Anthony Michael Hall (no relation to the actor of the same name) will stab Ian to death with a Sharpie pen. Ian will regret ever having letting one good season get to his head. He’ll survive the attack but die at the hospital when he refuses to sign himself in thinking it was a trick to get his autograph. Yeah, I used to collect sports autographs and I’ve seen how players go from being the nicest men alive to being the biggest dicks in human kind. My prediction is very possible.

Kennedy

I don’t know what her real name is or what her real job is either. She hosts some game shows and is the only woman to ever wear Tina Fey glasses and not be hot in a nerdy way. She has a bit of attitude about her and I see that being her downfall. After Pat Sajak is arrested for harboring terrorists (I’m as surprised as you are) she will be the one to take over hosting duties for Wheel of Fortune. Vana White, being a radical hater of women with speaking jobs will quit and begin a coup to eliminate Kennedy. Wheel of Fortune never has Arabs on and I believe they will complain about this. A terrorist whose name in Wheel of Fortune Puzzle is _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ – _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ will get on the show and blow himself up during one of their theme weeks. Cruise week maybe? Nobody likes that one. Kennedy will be another member of people named Kennedy to die in public and on video. Vana White will be taken away and imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay for what she thinks was a just cause. Guards will touch her vagina to see if it lights up and it will.

Mr. Kennedy

A wrestler whose gimmick was saying his name. I always liked Mr. Kennedy. Then backstage politics got him fired. Now he works for the lesser known company called TNA as Mr. Anderson. He’s still a Kennedy. That’s why he’s doomed. I don’t think Mr. Kennedy will die in the ring. It’ll wait until after retirement. Nobody watches TNA. It would go unnoticed. He’ll be doing pushups by his giant pool when it happens. His fed up with his job gardener, Raul Eusebio, will attack him with bush trimming sheers. Mr. Kennedy will try to defend it, do a few of his wrestling moves, and soon realize that they do not help at all in a real fight. This will be like one of those non-political Kennedy deaths. Didn’t they have a baby fall out a window? Or am I just thinking of Eric Clapton’s kid? I thought it was both. A guy who has a song named Cocaine leaves his baby unattended near an open window. No wonder nobody was shocked. Mr. Kennedy’s death will be a sad one. It’ll also be the first time a professional wrestler has passed away without involvement of drugs or suicide. Sometimes it’s not a good thing to be first. Neil Armstrong is overrated.

Dead Kennedys

The punk band from the 1980s with songs that you’ve never heard of like Holiday in Cambodia and Kill the Poor. I like them, even if their singer wails instead of sings. His name is Jello too. He wasn’t always fat and now he is. He should have named himself Long-Happy-Life-Of-Being-In-Shape and I guarantee he’d be that and not the fat guy he is today. I see this band getting back together. They do a farewell tour. Due to faulty wiring, the pyrotechnics will explode on each member. They will run around like Michael Jackson did during that Pepsi Commercial, hair blazing. Well, the hair they have left. These guys are like 50 now. It will later be revealed that the wiring was set up to be faulty on purpose. We’ll all try to find the culprits and it will take years before we discover who the killers are. It’ll be the surviving members of the Mighty Mighty Bostones. At least, that’s the impression that I get.

That’s enough Kennedys for now. Mostly, those are the only Kennedys I can think off the top of my head. I hope none of them do die in the harsh ways my crystal ball tells me they will. I want them to all live long and happy lives free of the Kennedy Curse.

Comments
  1. cat. says:

    Always so enjoy your writing … and, yes, the Kennedys boys were handsome, including babe John John … and, yes, Michael Jackson was a genius … Best wishes for 2012, ML 🙂 Love, cat.

  2. Pete Howorth says:

    Im pretty sure the Macho Man wasn’t on drugs when he had the heart attack/car crash! I loved Mr. Kennedy in WWE, especially when they were trying to hype him up to be Vince McMahons illegitimate son, then he got himself suspended and they gave that honour to Hornswoggle.

  3. Adair says:

    The Volkswagen bug once ran an ad campaign, boasting because of it’s tight seams and superior welding, it would float–and, indeed, the photo shown with the print copy (yes, I watch Mad Men, too, and live the irony when one if the actors on that show shills a product t on TV) showed a floating VW.

    Why am I going on about this? Well, if Teddy Kennedy had been driving a VW bug in 1969, he would have become President.

    • mooselicker says:

      Ted Kennedy always seemed like the most comedic of the Kennedys. Like they’d be a great team on a sitcom. JFK is the handsome one, RFK is the smart one, and Teddy is the one that sells their home for a horse. Too bad the valuable ones died.

      • Adair says:

        I do think he did his best to morally make up for leaving the scene and allowing Mary Jo to drown back in ’69. He didn’t succeed, but, he did make some advances in health care. On the other hand, because of his name, he avoided, at the least, a manslaughter charge.

      • mooselicker says:

        The only thing I knew about it was that he was a drunk. Those Kennedy’s…man I tell ya. At least Arnold Schwarzenegger got back at them by cheating on a relative of theirs. Even in real life he’s sort of a hero if you consider adultery against an innocent woman with an evil bloodline good.

  4. Lily says:

    I commend your Mighty Mighty Bosstones reference. Especially “the impression that I get” part. They only have 3 good songs, but all of them are so so good.
    I like the idea that anyone with the name Kennedy should die just to continue the tradition. I think thats a good idea. Plus I like creative deaths.

  5. robpixaday says:

    Federico and Faustino! Haaa!

    Hey…that Dead Kennedys song, “Kill the Poor,” sounds like the soundtrack for [at least one of] the 2012 Presidential campaigns. I just looked at the lyrics. Spot on.

    🙂

  6. talker96 says:

    You say the Kennedy’s, I say the Baldwins, the rest of the world says the Judds.We may never know who is right.(my money is on the Judds)

    • mooselicker says:

      The Judds have the muscle they need to take over in Winona. Or is it Wynona? No matter. We all forgot about her because she’s a large redhead while her sister is an attractive 40 year old woman with an impressive IMDB Page.

  7. Lisa says:

    I think we’ve all heard the Kennedy’s referred to as, “American Royalty”. When Kim Kardashian got married, recently, I heard the same thing about their family.
    That really puts it ALL in perspective. I can only hope that the “Kennedy Curse” quickly kicks in for the Kardashians! Haha!

    • mooselicker says:

      I’ll toast to that! Kim would have to be the last one alive. She’s the one to blame for all of this. I hope it’s some serial killer who wears a Bruce Jenner mask. Can you believe an Olympian helped to raise that family? I’m never eating Wheaties again for the sake of my future children and step children.

  8. Cafe23 says:

    Wow, your imagination is unstoppable. Okay, I don’t know if those last two sentences are going to save any of those Kennedys from your powers of sending people to their demise by writing about them lol.

    • mooselicker says:

      Thank you. If I’ve learned anything in the last week it’s that have lots of super powers. I learned 2 days ago that I’m invisible to cute bartenders 6 inches in front of me. My voice goes right through them. I’m like Wolverine only lamer.

  9. Those cat things with mispelled words are actually quite funny.

  10. Dude, game-show host Kennedy is former MTV VJ Kennedy. I don’t have anything funny to say about that except that back when she was vee-jaying exclusively, she was more attractive. Or else I was more “14 and desperate.” Not sure which.

    Also p.s. I knew this kid Jaime (pronounced high-mee) Kennedy in the eight grade. His yo-yo hit me in the forehead one time while he was showing off his around-the-world to a group of easily impressed girls. Also, check out this page http://www.365yoyotricks.com. I went there while researching my comment to your post. Check out Day 5 “rowboat” and tell me that dude’s mustache doesn’t make you feel A-L-I-V-E with joy.

    • mooselicker says:

      I think her attitude bothers me more than anything. She’s too dry with her delivery. It would work with a British accent, maybe.

      Yo-Yo’s always impress the feeble minded. And really, aren’t the world? That’s the one trick everyone can do. Too bad it didn’t wrap around his neck. I probably shouldn’t say that. I’m sure he’s a good kid who doesn’t have a mustache like that guy.

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