The most famous political family in the United States is probably the Kennedy Family. Well, one could argue that the Bush Family is more famous. So the Kennedy family is the most famous family whose name starts with a K. Unless you count the Kardashians. I don’t consider them human beings, but they do have social security numbers which makes them the same species as me. Yuck! Okay, so the Kennedy Family is the most famous family whom have never put out a sex tape. Actually, I remember hearing there was a sex tape of Marilyn Monroe. Rumor has it, the penis in the video belonged to a Kennedy. Where’s that leave us? The Kennedy Family is the most famous family with big heads? I can’t think of any others. Lets go with that.
(This was the handsome president???)
Everybody knows the political members of the Kennedy Family. The most famous being the president, John Federico (I’m guessing there) Kennedy, abbreviated JFK. He was assassinated in Dallas after promising to put a man on the moon by the end of the decade. I’m sure you’ve seen the video by now. It’s pretty popular online. Like pictures of cats with misspelled words or pictures of crashed cars with “Fail!” written below in bold white lettering. JFK getting shot is a meme. What a sick country.
The second most famous Kennedy is Robert Faustino (I’m assuming there) Kennedy, abbreviated RFK. He was also killed. The difference between the killings was that JFK died outside and RFK died inside. JFK’s murder has a lot of controversy behind it and RFK’s murderer has been claiming that he was under mind control spells by the government to do it. If you look in an encyclopedia, Lee Harvey Oswald is credited with the kill on JFK. A man named Sirhan Sirhan (because the name is so good you have to say it twice) is credited with the kill on RFK. JFK had a movie made about his murder. It was directed by Oliver Stone. Kevin Costner and Tommy Lee Jones were in it. RFK had a movie made about his murder. It was directed by Emilio Estevez. Lindsay Lohan was in that one. And that’s all you need to know about those two men.
Some of the lesser known people with the Kennedy name are much better than any of the politicians. We know how much Teddy Kennedy sucks. Most people named Teddy do. The name Teddy should be reserved for bears. Let us delve into the world of other Kennedy’s, not named Teddy. I will make predictions on how they will die and by whom.
Starting pitcher for the Arizona Diamondbacks, Ian Kennedy had a phenomenal season last year. He was near the tops in the Cy Young Award voting for the National League. He’s never really been very good before last year either. I don’t believe he shares the same blood as any of the political family. It’s possible though. I can see him dying after a game while refusing to sign autographs. Baseball players hate signing autographs. They get off on disappointing fans. A man named Anthony Michael Hall (no relation to the actor of the same name) will stab Ian to death with a Sharpie pen. Ian will regret ever having letting one good season get to his head. He’ll survive the attack but die at the hospital when he refuses to sign himself in thinking it was a trick to get his autograph. Yeah, I used to collect sports autographs and I’ve seen how players go from being the nicest men alive to being the biggest dicks in human kind. My prediction is very possible.
I don’t know what her real name is or what her real job is either. She hosts some game shows and is the only woman to ever wear Tina Fey glasses and not be hot in a nerdy way. She has a bit of attitude about her and I see that being her downfall. After Pat Sajak is arrested for harboring terrorists (I’m as surprised as you are) she will be the one to take over hosting duties for Wheel of Fortune. Vana White, being a radical hater of women with speaking jobs will quit and begin a coup to eliminate Kennedy. Wheel of Fortune never has Arabs on and I believe they will complain about this. A terrorist whose name in Wheel of Fortune Puzzle is _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ – _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ will get on the show and blow himself up during one of their theme weeks. Cruise week maybe? Nobody likes that one. Kennedy will be another member of people named Kennedy to die in public and on video. Vana White will be taken away and imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay for what she thinks was a just cause. Guards will touch her vagina to see if it lights up and it will.
A wrestler whose gimmick was saying his name. I always liked Mr. Kennedy. Then backstage politics got him fired. Now he works for the lesser known company called TNA as Mr. Anderson. He’s still a Kennedy. That’s why he’s doomed. I don’t think Mr. Kennedy will die in the ring. It’ll wait until after retirement. Nobody watches TNA. It would go unnoticed. He’ll be doing pushups by his giant pool when it happens. His fed up with his job gardener, Raul Eusebio, will attack him with bush trimming sheers. Mr. Kennedy will try to defend it, do a few of his wrestling moves, and soon realize that they do not help at all in a real fight. This will be like one of those non-political Kennedy deaths. Didn’t they have a baby fall out a window? Or am I just thinking of Eric Clapton’s kid? I thought it was both. A guy who has a song named Cocaine leaves his baby unattended near an open window. No wonder nobody was shocked. Mr. Kennedy’s death will be a sad one. It’ll also be the first time a professional wrestler has passed away without involvement of drugs or suicide. Sometimes it’s not a good thing to be first. Neil Armstrong is overrated.
The punk band from the 1980s with songs that you’ve never heard of like Holiday in Cambodia and Kill the Poor. I like them, even if their singer wails instead of sings. His name is Jello too. He wasn’t always fat and now he is. He should have named himself Long-Happy-Life-Of-Being-In-Shape and I guarantee he’d be that and not the fat guy he is today. I see this band getting back together. They do a farewell tour. Due to faulty wiring, the pyrotechnics will explode on each member. They will run around like Michael Jackson did during that Pepsi Commercial, hair blazing. Well, the hair they have left. These guys are like 50 now. It will later be revealed that the wiring was set up to be faulty on purpose. We’ll all try to find the culprits and it will take years before we discover who the killers are. It’ll be the surviving members of the Mighty Mighty Bostones. At least, that’s the impression that I get.
That’s enough Kennedys for now. Mostly, those are the only Kennedys I can think off the top of my head. I hope none of them do die in the harsh ways my crystal ball tells me they will. I want them to all live long and happy lives free of the Kennedy Curse.