Belly Buttons

Posted: January 9, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I have a belly button. Only one. That’s the average amount. From listening in on other people’s conversations, the belly button happens when the umbilical cord is cut off after birth. It is not a place to store thumb tacks. Do not do that.

There are two different kinds of belly buttons. There’s the innie and the outtie. Normal people have innies. I am normal. Freaks of nature have outties. I could never imagine living a life with an outtie belly button. It’s like having a tiny penis coming out of your stomach. Or a misplaced finger. I’d feel the need to poke people with it. Strangers would come up to me and ask in which direction a certain street is. I would turn my torso and point with my outtie. I know I’d at least at one time use a clothes hanger on it. Maybe with a shirt attached. I haven’t thought about it enough. I would hate to have an outtie belly button and then have it break off. That has to be a weird feeling. Having an outtie all your life then losing it during a stunt. It’s probably a good thing that my belly button is concave and not protruding. I only have to worry about a bug or small mammal burrowing in there.

There are lots of things you can do with belly buttons. You can pierce your own belly button. These used to be popular in my middle and high school. Now everybody gained some weight. The belly button piercing popped out of their skin like a wine cork. I haven’t seen a girl with a belly button piercing in forever. I also don’t hang around criminals much. Usually a girl with a belly button piercing also has a record. And I’m not talking about the kind where they ate the most amount of cheese in under a minute. I mean the kind where police officers keep a manila folder with your name on it.

Another belly button activity is doing shots out of it. This is a good reason to have an innie. You can’t do a shot out of an outtie. What you do is you fill up a slutty girl’s belly button with your favorite liquor. Then you drink it out. It’s that simple. Be careful not to swallow any lint. It can be toxic. Almost as toxic as the personality of the girls who let strangers do this to them. I have never done a shot out of a belly button nor have I had someone do a shot out of mine. I prefer a glass for my beverages. I drink quickly and would have to keep refilling the belly button. It also seems messy. I don’t like spilling drinks. If you’re the kind of person who enjoys creating anarchy with your liquor then go for it. Drink your morning coffee out of a chick’s belly button. I think I just gave myself an idea for tomorrow.

The most famous belly button of all time belongs to the Pillsbury Dough Boy. For centuries he’s been poked in the stomach by fingers. He lets out a “Hmm Hmmm” laugh. We all know it. It’s a laugh that sounds like a person bound and gagged trying to scream for help. That’s probably where they got the sound effect from on the foley stage. They tied up a man, put duct tape over his mouth, and punched him in the stomach. The Pillsbury Dough Boy’s token laugh was really the sounds of agony.

When I was younger, I would always find sand in my belly button. Even when I hadn’t gone to the beach. I think I was just a dirty boy. It probably was dead skin, not sand. I find it so fascinating how overlooked belly buttons are in modern society. We don’t pay nearly enough attention to them. I’m sure in some culture belly buttons are a private part. Their pornography consists of images of stomachs. The deeper and wider the belly button, the sexier the person. It has to be possible. There are tribes out there who find women with gigantic plates in their lips sexy. Being turned on by a belly button isn’t all that weird.

  1. Lily says:

    Check out John Stamos’ belly button if you want to see something disturbing. Thankfully I have an innie. People with outies should just be thrown out after they’re born.

  2. cat. says:

    What a hilarious read, Mr.M … I remember having an outtie on 3 different occasions (when I was pregnant … and, yes, each time I had a small mammal burrowed deep inside my tummy 🙂 … plus, I bet you have lint inside your innie right now, he he he … hmmm? Love, cat.

  3. cat. says:

    Point taken, Mr.M. … point taken … I just thought I’d join this ever so entertaining conversation … from a woman’s point of view … who cares about John Stamos anyway … Love, cat.

  4. Pete Howorth says:

    I went out with a girl with an outtie, I wasn’t told until she wore a low cut top. Couldn’t bare myself to be with her any longer. Absolutely disgusting. It means the doctor did a terrible job at birth I’m sure.

    Also when you poke your own belly button, why does it hurt? It gives you a weird feeling =/

    • Addie says:

      1. Her mum and dad did a bad job, as the end of the cord stays attached to the baby until it falls off, and that creates the belly button. It is, without a doubt, the most disgusting thing you have to do as a parent–even worse than the full blow out diaper, with poo everywhere. You have to put alcohol on it, and not even good alcohol, you have to use the stuff from the pharmacy. It eventually dries up and falls off, only, it holds on for a couple of days by this thread and you think if I pull it off, my baby will bleed to death. Hated. It.

      2. Because.

    • Lisa says:

      I totally respect you, Pete. You did what you had to do.

      • Addie says:

        Pardon me while I hijack this for a moment, Moosie:


        Did you receive the email for the blogspot thing?



        Carry on with the blog post and comments.

    • mooselicker says:

      That’s kind of like asking why you can’t tickle yourself. Scientists need to stop working on finding cures for diseases. More pressing matters are at hand.

  5. Lisa says:

    I much prefer to imagine all people to be like Ken and Barbie. Clean, flat, plastic. I hate the word, ‘orifice’ and so refuse to conjure up images of body cavities and openings. (No surprise, I also hate the word ‘moist’.)

    Outties are ridiculous. They make a mockery of the human form.

    • Addie says:

      Why did Ken have on underwear, and Barbie didn’t? On the ew word list is fistula. Every time I opened my lowly FB account to play Lily in Canada in WwF (she’s my only friend!), there was an ad to help women in 3rd World countries who have fistulas. I had to Google to see how to block the ad!! Completely gross. Oh, and crevices. I don’t like that word either.

      • mooselicker says:

        Fistula sounds like something a tough guy from the 60s would call a punch.

        “Come right up here and I’ll introduce ya to my fistula.” – imagine that in 1940s Italian South Philly accent for some reason

    • mooselicker says:

      No body part should look like it should be pushed in. Barbie and Ken have never had a bug crawl inside themselves and lay eggs. That’s why they’ll always be heroes of mine.

  6. paulbeforeswine says:

    OMG! And I thought I was the only one with a belly button!

    Tell me, do you suffer from Lintus Embilibus like I do?

  7. robpixaday says:

    No words.
    Laughing too hard to type.

    ::runs home giggling::

  8. I have two belly button piercings and no pending criminal charges. However, I have always felt my peircings put me at a higher risk to commit a felony.

  9. Please ignore the belly button! My boyfriend thinks it’s funny to poke mine. I don’t think it’s funny!

    I vote against popularizing the belly button.

    Thank you.

  10. “slutty chicks” is probably the best tag there is, right up there with “anal fisting” or something else you don’t see everyday

  11. robpixaday says:

    “Come right up here and I’ll introduce ya to my fistula.”


  12. I love your post – It was a funny and entertaining read.
    Especially the part about not sticking tacks in your belly button lol and the part about Pillsbury Dough Boy.
    Keep up the good work. =-)

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