I was not alive during the decade of the 1950s. I was negative 30 or so. Don’t let that make you feel old if you were alive then. Let that make you feel wise and proud that you’re so ancient that you still have the ability to read.

I don’t have much knowledge of the decade. Both my parents were born then. A guy named Dwight actually managed to become president. I Love Lucy was the only thing on television. Black people didn’t yet exist. Like I said, my knowledge of the decade isn’t that correct.

There are a few things from the decade that I wish still existed. No, not Jim Crowe laws you silly goose. I’m talking about fun things like malted milkshakes. What even is a malted milkshake? I’ve heard of malted milk balls. I like those! I also like milkshakes. A malted milkshake would be even better. I don’t get it though. Back then, in the 1950s, everyone was always drinking milkshakes and eating whoopee pies. Yet, you never saw a fat person. What the hell? Were the 1950s all a lie?

The answer is simple. Yes. Everything people like me who did not grow up in the 1950s knows about the decade has been fed lies. It was the decade of purity. Where the average family was a mom, a dad, a son, a daughter, and a puppy. Everything was in black and white. The milk man would come by around noon with some hilarious jokes. Cops could be drunks and not accidentally load off a magazine into a parked car. Things were perfect. Things were not that way.

(Jimmy McNulty, Baltimore PD. A throwback to a simpler time when cops carried beers instead of badges)

Let me mention a few evil things we forgot about the 1950s. The first being the Korean War. You never hear people talk about this war. Maybe it’s because it was sandwiched (now I’m hungry) between WWII and Vietnam. Elvis fought in the Korean War. So did one of my friend’s dads. I remember we would pick on that friend. We’d say his dad didn’t fight in a real war and to stop making shit up. We’d throw rocks at him. All of our grandpas had killed Japs and Krauts in WWII. He came from an inferior blood line than we did. That’s why he deserved the stoning. The Korean War was bad because well, it was a war, and also nothing was really accomplished with it. North Korea is one of the most awful places in the world to live. Not that Kim Jong-Il is dead, maybe things will turn around. I hope so. They make me nervous. Koreans are typically so peaceful and then you piss them off and their faces explode with anger. I blame the 1950s for this fear I live with every day.

(The Asian Terrorist from Die Hard enjoying some product placement)

Sticking with something quite similar, the Red Scare occurred during the decade of “Good Times.” I know the show Good Times didn’t come out until the 1970s. Really, if you watch closely enough to the television show Good Times, you’ll see they weren’t always good times. They had family members die. They were poor. It should have been called “Finally, A Black Family on TV” or something more accurate to the meaning behind it all. The Red Scare was when Joseph McCarthy went around claiming that everyone he didn’t like was a Communist. It’s funny how things like that change. A political view that wasn’t necessarily violent could have you blacklisted. Now we’re all about being different and accepting. We’re not allowed to discriminate against people of other creeds. We still shit on each other for having bad views politically, but it’s mostly gentle ribbing. Political opinions mean so little. We all want the same thing. We want to be happy, healthy, safe, and sexy. Trust me, sexy is very important in politics. Why else do you think it took Richard Nixon 10 years before he won an election?

(Dick Nixon; ugly man, lousy president, amazing exit)

Most of the popular actors or entertainers from the era were real pricks. Bing Crosby beat his kids, the guy who played Ricky Ricardo beat his wife, Joe Dimaggio beat his kids, wife, and the Dodgers pitching staff. It was an awful time. Everybody was beating up everybody else. And there was no one to help you. That was something they used to have called “tough love.” Now tough love is getting ice cream without warm hot fudge. Sure, you can have hot fudge, but it can’t be hot. There has to be a happy medium. One where you don’t beat your kids, but also one where parents don’t completely pussy out in discipline. Maybe you can buy your child the hot fudge sundae then smash it in front of them. Beat up the ice cream. You get out your rage and your kids don’t have to lie about getting hit by baseballs or walking into doors.

That’s really all I know about the most boring decade ever. There were also poodle skirts, greasers, Johnny B. Goode, Johnny Unitas, Alfred Hitchcock, sexual harassment in the work place, coloreds only bathrooms, and haircuts named bobs. Other than having a lot of great people born in those 10 years, the 1950s stunk. It was everyone trying to be nice and happy when really they were miserable and in desperate need of anti-depressants. Then Kennedy came along to start the 1960s. He was going to save the day. He got shot in the back of the face almost immediately. That ushered in a decade of rebellion and bra burning. I’m all for women taking off their bras, but fire disturbs me. I’m terribly afraid of matches. Blame it on the 1950s. I think matches were invented then as were barbecue potato chips. How do I know that?

Comments
  1. Adair says:

    So, what you are saying is ‘Pleasantville’ during the black and white scenes didn’t exist? That we shouldn’t base our current desire for life based on what you call ‘fiction’?? Wow. I’d say more, but, I need to take off this girdle and put away my pearls I wore to vacuum.

  2. Pete Howorth says:

    I wrote a post way back when I first started my blog about me wishing I lived in the 50s. It’s far superior to todays society.

    • mooselicker says:

      Further proof that I am an unoriginal hack. I don’t even remember what my inspiration for this was. I wrote it like 2 weeks ago. Maybe someone was saying how scary Hitchcock films are I wanted to stick it to them. Beats me.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        Hah it’s okay, Lily wrote about the 50s too. All it proves is the 50s were the best time period to live in. No skater boys, no “mate I will slice u if u luk at me dat way agen yeh” people on street corners. No men blow drying their hair.

        2 billion less people in the world too, always a plus.

  3. Lisa says:

    I actually like the pencil skirts, pearls, cashmere cardigans buttoned up the back, saddle shoes, wait, am I boring you? Sorry ; )

    You’re probably right, Moose, I bet there are more negatives in the 50’s then positives. What did they know? They were High on milkshakes.

    Sixty years from now what will people say about this lame decade?

    • mooselicker says:

      Everyone already hates this decade. It’s probably always been like that. We just have more things to hate now. That’s the reason for inventing anything. It gives us more things to break out of anger.

  4. Lily says:

    How did everyone stay so thin in the 50’s? Milkshakes, hamburgers, fries, non-diet cokes? It just doesn’t seem fair.
    “We’d say his dad didn’t fight in a real war and to stop making shit up.” So good and abusive.

    • Pete Howorth says:

      Lack of money so they couldn’t eat as much of them. A burger was probably more than £1/$1 back then. Parents probably cooked decent meals a lot of the time rather than dragging them to KFC to ram some greasy fried chicken down their throats.

      The only fat people back in those days were called Big Sal from the mob.

      • AgrippingLife says:

        I also think the portion size was way smaller. Like a hamburger was the size of a happy meal hamburger.

    • mooselicker says:

      It was a school of mostly white kids with 2 Indians mixed in. We had to find whatever weakness we could and latch onto it. If you wore ripped sweat pants you were a dead man.

  5. Emily He says:

    I could go for a sandwich, followed by a crunch bar, while watching Grease 2 (mmmmhmmm betcha haven’t watched that now have ya??).

  6. Cafe23 says:

    “They make me nervous. Koreans are typically so peaceful and then you piss them off and their faces explode with anger. I blame the 1950s for this fear I live with every day.”

    You should be very afraid.

    (Of course I had to comment on this.)

    Your point about tough love being now about getting ice-cream without warm hot fudge is hilarious. I have to agree with that fully. I’m always curious to know what people a few decades from now will be saying about the way we were right now — if they will think we were complete neanderthals and uncivilized, even though we think we’re so high-tech and advanced ….

    • mooselicker says:

      Thanks! I think they’ll be saying how lazy and stupid we were. Obsessed with the wrong things.

      “Those people back in 2012 were so stupid. How did they not know the cure for cancer was treating others with respect? Oh well, I guess things were still better back then. Arachnids hadn’t taken over the world yet.” – a guy in 2067

  7. robpixaday says:

    Hahaaaaa!!!!

    I’m one of those splendid people born in the 1950’s (early in the 1950’s!) so I have a little bit of info about the times. Not adult-info, though. Kid-info. Entirely different.
    1. If you weren’t a teenager you probably didn’t wear a poodle skirt. They were for jitterbuggers.
    2. Mothers always stayed at home unless they had no husbands or were in sanitariums because they Needed Rest.
    3. The Russkies were always up in the air overhead waiting to drop their Russkie bombs on little children unless the little children could get all of their various body parts wrangled under desks. If you were outside you were toast and would wither in the nuclear winter. Fallout shelters might help but they were for rich people. Duh.
    4. Everything was always going to be all right. Nothing bad would ever happen. Unless a bomb fell on you or a giant mantis or body snatcher attacked you. Good things never happened to pod people because they were Russkies in disguise.

    Can you tell that I loved the 1050’s movies?”The Deadly Mantis” and “Invasion of the Body Snatcher” are super flix. IMHO they redeem the decade.

    I love this post!! It’s perfect! Here’s my highest compliment: If you told me that you secretly wrote for “Mad” I’d believe you.

    ::climbs onto the keyboard and appluds wildly::

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