None of what I am about to discuss has any scientific backing. Well, it might. They do some pretty stupid studies. I remember one was something about how fat kids like school the least. Yeah, they do. They get picked on and they have to move around every 41 minutes. There’s only one lunch period too! It’s a fat kid’s hell. I used to make sure to take off at least one Monday a month because I hated school with a passion. I knew another fat kid who chose Fridays as his day to take off. Note to scientists, do not do a study about how fat kids love three-day weekends.

(“I love 3 day weekends!” – fat kid from Modern Family, much better than the Two and a Half Men fat kid)

Onto the science stuff. Remember, none of this has any backing. I believe that radio, television, computer, cell phone, all those devices will eventually kill us and have been for years. I know, I sound like the Unabomber. In the early 90s he was blowing up people via the mail because he was afraid technology was going to take over. 20 years later, he’s been right. I do believe that more technology can be a bad thing. I don’t see how knowing the score of the Seahawks/Raiders game instantly is necessary. I used to love looking at sports scores in the newspaper when I was younger. I would have to wait the next morning to find out how other teams outside of my area did. It was beautiful. The Unabomber had a great point. A poor way of executing his point, but he was right. The machines are going to take over.

What inspired these thoughts? Mostly the idea that I woke up this morning an hour before I should have. For no reason at all I woke up. I looked at my cell phone and I had a text message. Something about “Hey my car broke down and my wife is going into labor, can you help us out?” I deleted the text message but not before looking at the time. It had occurred 1 minute earlier. Before you say that my phone vibrated or made some kind of a whacky sound that woke me up, think again. My phone was on silent. If this had happened once I wouldn’t think much of it. The fact that it happens a lot and even happened twice earlier in the day makes me wonder. Yes Robert Plant, it really makes me wonder.

(He looks terrible. That stairway to heaven he bought will be coming in handy real soon)

I know this can probably be easily explained. Not every silent text message has woken me up. Enough have for me to blog about it. That’s when you know something annoys you, when you blog about it. Something that annoys me that I have never blogged about is when people are wished a happy birthday on Facebook and don’t directly thank the person. Even clicking the “Like” button is fine. Just posting a status saying “Thanks for the Happy Birthdays” is insulting. Fuck you birthday boy. You’re not that busy. You’re not George Clooney. Do it the next day if that’s when you’ll have time. We took the time to post on your page hoping some hot girl from high school you’re friends with will see it and think “Hey, he’s cute now. He probably has bad self-esteem from his older days of looking like shit. Maybe I should contact him and ask if I can hide his penis inside of me.” Birthdays come around once a year and you don’t have the time to thank each person? At least thank most. At least thank me. You’re a prick if you don’t. And I hope your birthday sucks.

My theory with the text messages is that the nearest tower is to the east of my bed. Where I keep my phone, on my nightstand/cup holder/temporary used condom table, is to the west. This is going to sound insane, but I think that the message travels through my brain and then into my phone. It’s not like I know what the message is. But I think that it might be possible that some electrode snaps off in my brain and jolts me. I mean, it has to be possible. We don’t really know what these frequencies and waves do to our heads. It can’t be good. I know that much. I type this all with a laptop inches above my balls. If I ever am able to have children, it will be a miracle. Then I will have to be a dad and that will be a disaster.

Our brains are very powerful. I believe that most of the “unexplained” in this world is our own doing. I think we can create anything with our brains. Events, moments, objects, anything that our subconscious “wants.“ I know, this is deep hippie shit. I don’t take drugs either which means if anything I’m crazy. Frequencies and waves may not kill us, but they’re waking me up from awesome dreams. Isn’t that enough of a crime? That chick was SO into me. Her hair looked like Vitamin C’s hair.

(Vitamin C is okay looking. These are gorgeous!)

30 years from now, we might all have a giant brain tumor from all of these wires and stuff flying around. I know 3 people with epilepsy that live on the same block. Isn’t that a little strange? There are power lines that run across the street from them too. Hmmm I don’t know. That seems a little shady. It doesn’t necessarily help my argument, but it does make it possible. Anything is possible. If we believe something hard enough, it can become true. If everyone believed that I was black then I become black. I am officially black. The color white is now black but the color black is still black. I’m rambling about nothing. I think these cell phone frequencies are really doing some serious damage.

  1. Addie says:

    We only have to worry until 12/21/12. After that, unless we have a place on that boat thing along with John Cusack, it won’t matter.

    • mooselicker says:

      That movie should have been called “Sacrificing my Life” because each scene seemed to be someone new sacrificing their life for a stranger. Even the mean Russian guy saved his fat kid. It bothered me nobody felt bad about the Russian chick dying. She had been through a lot with them.

  2. AgrippingLife says:

    This type of stuff happens to me all the time! I thought I was crazy. For example, one day I was talking about The Planet of the Apes to a friend and then later that day turned on the TV and randomly, Dr. Zaius was speaking to Cornelius! Did my brain pick up the signal like some antennae? I believe it did.

    • mooselicker says:

      That’s weird. I don’t think PotA is even on TV all that much. I’m convinced we have some kind of a power to manipulate our own lives. There are way too many strange coincidences.

  3. AgrippingLife says:

    One more thing, your Robert Plant comment with picture made me howl! LOL!!!

  4. Lily says:

    I think you’re onto something. Whenever I talk on my cellphone my brain starts hurting. I think I have brain tumors but I’m afraid to check.
    About the birthday facebook thing, I totally know what you mean. One year I wrote back 80 responses to “happy bday” ‘s. It was hard trying to write different things to each person, but it seemed like the right thing to do. I’ve stopped wishing people happy birthday on facebook.

    • mooselicker says:

      80? I think you’re just trying to brag here how popular you are. My rule is that I only wish people a happy birthday if they wished me one the previous year. I usually forget everyone or I’ll say it to someone hoping they’ll wish me one. They rarely do. At least click the like button!

  5. Addie says:

    The birthday thing will be easy for me on FB–I’ve only the one ‘friend’. I promise, Lily in Canada, to make my greeting to you sound fresh and real and not copied from a someecards card–you know, switch up the words or something. Try and look surprised, okay?

    I’m terrified of the cell phone thing–my brother had a (benign) brain tumor (yes, we all said/say on a regular basis, “It’s not a tooma!”) and he still uses cell phones, but, he’s pretty weird anyway, so, who knows. I’m not sure I’d sacrifice my life for him to get on the boat with John and crew, but, I’d wave and cry a bit as we pulled away.

    • mooselicker says:

      I think the last time I had a cell phone conversation over 2 minutes was back in September. I’ll get tumors (“toomas”) but not a very big many. They’re finding deadly fungus in orange juice now. Orange juice has been around forever. If that’s killing people phones have to be.

      • Addie says:

        Well, as the saying goes, “The doctor said I’d die, but, he didn’t say when.” I just hope I die quickly, between breaths, with no pain–the way my maternal grandfather did. Far better that way than screaming in terror the way the people on bus he was driving went over the cliff.

        I’ve waited my life to use that old chestnut of a joke.

      • mooselicker says:

        I don’t know if I want that to be simply a great joke or an honest truth. Either way, that is pretty damn brilliant to come up with.

  6. I have to give you credit for one thing. You are original. I’m the king of coming up with strange ideas for posts, but I bow to your unusual mind. Where do these things come from?

    • mooselicker says:

      Thank you P.D. I see my ass kissing on your page has been returned. Honestly, half the time I look around the room at an object or I think to myself “What would happen in a David Zucker movie?” or “How would Larry David handle this?” then I go about actually doing it and report back on the results. It’s made me a lot of enemies. Actually no, lost me a lot of friends. But hey, that’s the sacrifice for being so incredibly entertaining, like myself.

  7. Cafe23 says:

    I like how you went from fat kids to electronic waves to Facebook birthday wish comments and somehow made it seem like they all belonged in the same post lol.

    I guess I’m a pretty cool chick then, I always reply to every Happy Birthday FB comment … But that’s because I get the instant notifications on my Blackberry that someone has commented, and I can easily reply back lol.

    • mooselicker says:

      Oooooh fancy schmancy. Look at me, I’ve got a phone built with modern technology. That’s my impression of you.

      It’s always people I already hate who never reply back. I feel bad for their “friends.” Real friends say thank you. They mind their P’s and Q’s.

      • Cafe23 says:

        Aw, that’s not what I meant. I was laughing because I thought it was ironic since you said in your blog about evil technology and annoying FB people but the technology helps me not be an annoying FB person .. ah, nevermind. My brain hurts >_<

  8. Emily He says:

    My mom’s house is near a huge power-line that runs across our district which we avoid at all costs. We never take strolls in that direction because she believes it’s bad for our health and will give us cancer (what doesn’t give us cancer?!?!?) She also told me just this morning (and throughout my childhood) that if I really THINK I’m pretty, then I am pretty. In other words, if I believe I am pretty hard enough, then it will become true. Isn’t my mom the greatest?

    • mooselicker says:

      She is! Other than being paranoid about every little thing she sounds like the perfect woman. Did she read “The Secret” by chance? I know that’s all about the power of believing. I think it’s more about the power of being lazy.

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