The first time I remember being a victim of a tattler was in first grade. I was hanging out with a couple of kids who grew up to be drug addicted Goths. They were picking on some kindergarteners. One of them ran off and told the black kindergarten teacher. It’s a big deal to mention that she was black. Our school didn’t have any black students, but we had one teacher, Ms. Quotafiller. My future burnout companions got news that we were being tattled on. Being malnourished thus more swift-footed, they bailed and I was trapped on a piece of playground equipment that could only be described as the bone structure of a penis. Yeah, that probably doesn’t help much for you to get the image. Just pretend this happened on the monkey bars. The black teacher came over and yelled at me not to pick on her students. I was the fat first grader who was too slow to back off of the equipment. For her to think I was dumb enough to pick on anyone is blasphemy.

Being tattled on continued. I never did anything too bad which means it was rare. A girl told on me for saying “this sucks” in second grade. The teacher didn’t believe her. I was a good boy. I would never cuss and say that going to the library “sucks.” The moment where tattling was no longer acceptable came 3 years later. Columbine had just happened and us fifth graders began to develop our sick senses of humor. I had heard the words hit list put together all over the news. Me and everyone I knew thought (and still think) that’s a silly term. I sat next to a friend and said “You’re on my hit list.” I paused and lightly punched him in the shoulder. “Now you’re off it.” We giggled then the room went silently. The teacher demanded to know who just said the gentle ribbing with a friend. Everyone knew it was me. Whether it be fear, loyalty, or laziness, nobody confessed that it was I. She gave a brief speech about how inappropriate that was then apparently made a sex tape with a follow fifth grade teacher with the same last name. Is it tattling if I mention that someone claims to have seen a tape of them having sex? I didn’t give out their names, so no, it’s not tattling. It’s finding a way to end a paragraph.

Once you become a teenager, that’s when tattling becomes a sin. Really, it should be once you feel like a goose saying tattle tail. Problem is, people still tattle on others. A woman who gets a paycheck from the same place I do once went up to her supervisor and said talking about someone else “He’s slacking off. He’s going on the Internet and not making phone calls.” This woman was on the same level as the person she was telling on. She had nothing to gain from tattling. I’ve hated her ever since. She cannot be trusted. She also says words that begin with “tr” wrong. The day she was telling people about the trade show near the train station and how much of a travesty it was hurt my ears.

To do believe tattling is fine if someone is in danger. That’s not tattling. That’s protecting. My definition of tattling is getting someone in trouble when you have nothing to gain. Sure. If tattling on someone can get you extra money or a girl I can understand it. That doesn’t mean it’s right. I had a boss who would try to get other people to get us to tattle on each other. I hated that guy. The man he tricked into tattling on me felt so bad that he took me into a small closet and apologized. Straight men never get into a small closet together unless some serious business is being conducted. I could tell he was sincere. That’s probably an even worse crime. Trying to turn people against each other with no incentive. I love crossing bad guys. I told him one time that I would be his lookout and since I didn’t care, I warned everyone else about my allegiance. Doing things like this makes me feel like a secret agent. I’d start off as a good guy, become a bad guy, then at the very end sacrifice myself to save the good guys. Maybe I shouldn’t do this anymore. Everyone who does ends up diving in front of a knife and dying in a man’s arms. There are a lot of places I wouldn’t mind dying in. A man’s arms is not one of them.

My suggestion for tattling is not to do it. Unless a psychologically or physically damaging crime is being committed, keep your mouth shut. Nobody likes a nosey person. Even worse is a nosey person who gets you in trouble. We all make mistakes. The good thing is most tattle tails eventually get their comeuppance. They end up alone with nobody to tattle on anymore. Don’t let this become you. Tattling is informing everyone of your opinion loudly and obnoxiously. You’re saying something is wrong and it shouldn’t be that way. Shut up. I hope someday you tattle on the wrong person then end up dead. Remember, snitches get stitches.

  1. Your uppance will come, Secret Agent Mooslicker.

    By the by, have you made a post about how you came upon your moniker? Inquiring minds would like to know.

    • mooselicker says:

      I do have a post entitled Mooselickers that I did way back when. It gives no knowledge into the reasoning behind it. If I can ever come up with a fake story that’s interesting other than the truth which is just that I was obsessed with saying the word moose at the time, I will be sure to post it.

  2. Lily says:

    Tattling sucks. I remember in second grade I stuck out my tongue at this black guy in my class and he told our teacher (who was also black) that I spit on him. Wtf. She looking back she probably thought I was racist.
    After that, I just got tired of everyone and asked people on the playground if they were a boy or a girl. That always seemed to hit home.
    I agree about how it’s not tattling if someone is in danger.

    • mooselicker says:

      I’m glad I wasn’t the only victim of elementary school tattling in the 90s. Nobody else ever seemed to get caught. I’d threaten to kiss boys when I was really young. That’s kind of like calling them girls, right? Because I was clearly a 100% straight male and I was only confused as to what gender they were. Yeah, that’s why I did it.

      I have a feeling we could have been a great Bonnie & Clyde duo of bullies if we wanted to be.

  3. Addie says:

    Mrs. Quotafiller. Best. Name. Ever. After Ima Hogg, of course. My cousin was (and remains) a tattler. She uses the sly method. Example: My aunt (who is not a nice person) asked, “Who ate the last piece of black bottom pie I was saving for your Uncle Lou?” I sat on the sofa, sucking the remains of the almonds contained in the lush custard in said last piece of pie out of my back teeth, never taking my eyes off the page I was reading. The room went still. She sat there, all saintly, saying not a word–just looking at me out the corners of her eyes–then, she sighed. Really, bitch? Why not jump up and point at me yelling, “J’accuse!!” At least then, she would have shown she had a language speaking talent, and not a pasty lump of Tattle.

    • mooselicker says:

      Tattling on family is real low. Especially over pies. I don’t think tattling is something people grow out of. You either always do it or you never do. Was this particular cousin the offspring of this nasty aunt? Nasty people usually have nasty children. Probably learned to tattle from her awful mother.

  4. I’m still stuck on the bone structured penis. Sadly, I think I know what it looks like. People who make lame playground equipment should be forced to “play” on it.

    I hate tattlers as well. Someone told on me and Michael Cornfelt for lighting a match in the 3rd grade. We got sent home because we could have “burnt the school down.”

    The only other time that brought shame to my soul was when Allison Watkins told our Sunday school teacher that I drew a peace sign in my bible. “I’m sorry Allison, that I thought a peace sign would be appropriate in a book that talks about peace.”

    • mooselicker says:

      I hope Allison grew up to become Allison Watkins-Cornfelt and was one half of a husband/wife pilot team that crashed into the Indian Ocean. Why the Indian Ocean? Because nobody comes back from that alive.

      And thanks for getting my penis structured equipment. I’m glad I wasn’t the only one to go to a school with perverts for architects.

  5. I teach fourth grade and belive me, tattling goes on all flippin day. My best one.. “Marshall is telling everyone on the playground that I play with monkey titties.” And she stood there making little twisting motions with both her hands.

    • mooselicker says:

      People named Marshall are always liars. See any cowboy movie. They’re always the shady characters who betray their townspeople. Does not surprise me one bit.

      Thanks for stopping by and I hope you enjoyed your day off today from those snot-nosed-twerps.

  6. In 7th grade during a Latin final, I was sitting there, failing the test like the rest of them. But one of my bullies was sitting next to me, straight up cheating. His notes were right next to him in the aisle. I would not let this slide, so I waited until after the final to tell the teacher. If this guy was even remotely nice to me for the previous 6 years, I probably would’ve let it slide. But HELL no. Then, the entire grade got on me in gym for being a tattle. If it’s not one thing, it’s another with those people. Someone would’ve asked me if I saw him cheating, why didn’t I tell the teacher. You know? All I had to gain was ONE move against him in the plethora of moves he made against me.

    If I was going to fail, he was going to fail.

    • mooselicker says:

      This does not bother me. It’s like if a bad guy was pulling you off of a building and you grab onto them. It’s good to tattle on enemies. Just be careful that they don’t have contingencies in place if they were to die.

  7. The most significant bit of tattling I did was against my brother years and years ago.

    He was squatting down in the garden looking for something. I asked him what he looking for. He said he had done a poo but couldn’t find it. I then noticed a large, yellow-brown round ball on the ground in front of him. I have never seen a lump of poo like it since. It was perfectly round like he had been rolling it in his hands.

    I went and told my parents. No idea why.

    • mooselicker says:

      If you’re going to poo outside the garden is the perfect place. I still wonder why it was yellow. I had a dog eat Play Dough and she pooped out Play Dough poop. Your brother a big fan of Silly Puddy?

  8. Pete Howorth says:

    Anyone who tattles deserves to be shanked in the showers.

    …I need to stop watching Prison Break.

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