Mustaches

Posted: January 16, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I hope I haven’t written about mustaches already. You’d think it would be the first thing everyone writes about. I’m getting up there in posts. My vocabulary is pretty limited. I should read more things than stop signs or prescription drug warnings. I do not allow myself to read the asses of 17-year-old girls. I’m getting too old for that. Not only would it make me a creep, but my eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I’d have to get too close to the butts to read it. Nobody should feel my breath on their behinds. That’s not fair unless you ask for it.

Only once do I remember purposefully growing a mustache. I was 19, fat, and had a Mohawk. Yeah I know. It’s the man of your dreams. I had a friend who grew a mustache. He was dating a girl who was completely out of his league. She was cool, she was attractive, and she even touched my back despite not knowing my name. More girls need to be made like her. Or more likely abused as children then turn into someone like her. Victims of abuse, verbal and physical, are always cool adults. I don’t know why. Maybe it has something to do with how all of their stories aren’t about fancy vacations or winning trophies. They’re about heartbreak and broken whiskey bottles in their 8 year old faces.

(A lollipop for an abused child)

My mustache was not well received. Nobody noticed. I had to point it out to most people. I’m thinking that they thought I had shaved and forgot about my upper lip. I still was at a point in facial hair where I could shave every two weeks. I’m a pretty hairy person. I’m not going to lie about that. It’s not incredibly thick hair or anything. I would describe my body hair as if I was completely shaved, covered in glue, then had small hairs tossed in my direction. Does that help? I hope so. Otherwise I wasted your time. I might have also disgusted you a tad.

For some reason mustaches seem to be popular again. It’s the first time since 1977. Here’s a fun fact. All men with mustaches are either cops, porn stars, or pretentious d-bags. A college kid should never have a mustache. It’s wrong. College boys should be clean-shaven All-American Americans. Okay, maybe they don’t need to be like that. I just don’t like guys with mustaches is all. Even my dad who had a mustache for almost my entire life doesn’t have one anymore. He’s the last one to know when something sucks. It wasn’t until yesterday that he realized Dane Cook makes loud sounds instead of coming up with relevant punch lines.

(“Pppppppppffffffffff” – classic Dane Cook punchline)

The best part about having a mustache would be that you get to say to girls “Hey, who wants to go for a mustache ride?” Do you get it? Because she’ll be sitting on your face. A mustache ride doesn’t sound like much fun. I think my face could hold about 20 pounds tops of weight on it. I could only ever give an infant a mustache ride and that’s a sick thought. If I had a mustache I would probably put wax in it and be very outlandish. I’d curl the sides like Captain Hook. You’re lucky that I don’t have a mustache. You’d be very embarrassed to know me.

Sometimes girls have mustaches. I think most do. I read that somewhere. I knew a girl with a back mustache. She had a line of hair near the top of her butt crack. That’s actually not true. Can you really ever know a person? So I didn’t really know her. But she did have the mustache above her ass. That is true. Us guys (even though more females read my blog than males do at this point which makes me feel very sexy) are lucky that we don’t get made fun of for having awful patches of hair on our lips. Women have to be concerned about it. They stress over it. All for us. They cry late at night because of the fear that we won’t desire them due to a little patch of hair. I feel bad for these girls. That’s why I’m always donating to Puerto Rican charities. Those ladies usually have mustaches. I won’t say always because I’m sure there’s one that doesn’t.

(Waxed mustache and a rocking chair. Why do I still think he gets more chicks than I do?)

Hitler had a mustache. He modeled it after Charlie Chaplin’s mustache. Pedophiles have mustaches. I don’t know who they modeled theirs after. Other pedophiles? The pedophile mustache is usually very thin. You can usually spot pieces of candy cane in them as well. Pedophiles are the only people who actually love candy canes. The empty calories and terrible mint flavor pleases them. They’re pedophiles. They’re sick. They have poor taste in candy.

That’s about all my knowledge of mustaches. I’m not a fan. Other facial hair is fine with me. Hell, I’ve had facial hair most of my adult life. It’s weird though because I always forget that I have a little douche bag goatee. Sometimes when I write these I get lost in how to finish them. This post is no different. How about a quote from a famous mustached man.

“Hey, I’m Tom Selleck. I have a mustache.” – Burt Reynolds doing an impression of Tom Selleck

Comments
  1. AgrippingLife says:

    A lollipop for an abused child!!! Haha! I always think of porn stars and Burt Reynolds when I think of mustaches. They’re so 70’s and car sales man like. And for what it’s worth, some women don’t mind kissing a man with facial hair. I’m not one of those women. It’s like sand paper against my delicate skin, ouch!

    • mooselicker says:

      I keep my facial hair very short and light. It’s barely noticeable. I don’t blame you for disliking kissing a man with facial hair though. I know I could never kiss one with facial hair. OR WITHOUT! ANY MAN! I COULD NEVER KISS ANY MAN! Making that clear. But what if he looked exactly like me? I think I might do that.

  2. AgrippingLife says:

    haha! I don’t think a goatee would be so bothersome. I’ll give you a pass. You’re so totally observant, like nothing gets past you (except for soundtracks) does your girlfriend ever get self conscious knowing that you see everything?

    • mooselicker says:

      Oh yeah, she hates it. When I’m around someone enough I can read them pretty well. My greatest ability is knowing if someone is lying or not. I’m such a bad liar (at least I think I am) that I know the same tricks that other people use. Nobody just falls asleep and misses something you had been talking about for a week. Admit it. You just didn’t want to go out with me.

  3. Lily says:

    “I could only ever give an infant a mustache ride and that’s a sick thought.” hahah I love it. So gross, but so true.
    Mustaches are so strange. You know when guys do “movember” or “no shave november”? Paul did that once. Kissing people with facial hair is weird. And creepy. And just not right.

    • mooselicker says:

      You’re right. Hair belongs on a person’s knuckles, not their face. Is there much worse than long knuckle hairs? I’d make a simile here, but there isn’t a thing in the world that can compare to a pair of hair drenched fists.

      • AgrippingLife says:

        LOL!!!! I have a total aversion to people with Knuckle hair. “Hair drenched fists” Too funny!

  4. Pete Howorth says:

    I agree with Lily, kissing people with facial hair IS weird. Which is why I always try and avoid my Auntie whenever I see her =/

    I’d never just have a mustache, I like the homeless look when I’m unemployed and don’t bother cutting my hair or shaving. But then all I get is “Yap yap yap” off the misses and she almost forces the razor in my hands. Sometimes I think she’s going for the wrists.

    • mooselicker says:

      That’s a popular look now. The “bed head” look where you’ve got 2 days worth of stubble and Ryan Seacrest hair. I think women are real into drunk cops these days. They always look like that in movies.

      I don’t have any aunts with mustaches. I don’t have any aunts at all, that’s probably why. You need a mustache to be an aunt. It’s like their uniform.

    • Addie says:

      DAMN you, Pete!! You took the Auntie line I was going to use!!

  5. Moustaches are disturbing things. Only engineers and people who work in hardware shops seem to have them these days.

    • mooselicker says:

      It’s the “do it yourselfers” who seem to still rock the ‘stache. You’d think that might be a safety hazard. Like an electrical wire getting caught in it. I know there had to have been an episode of Home Improvement with that as a B Plot.

  6. If you had a mustache it would be called a moosetache.

    My landlord has a pencil thin mustache. Me and the other guy who live on the property have never trusted that dude based solely on his mustache. Lo and behold, we found out last week that the landlord has also had charges brought against him for assault and discharging a firearm within city limits.

    How did we find out? His wife told us. How did his wife know? Because he discharged the firearm in her general direction.

    I think there is a correlation between mustaches and domestic violence that also needs to be explored here.

    • mooselicker says:

      You make a great point. Nobody with a mustache could ever got elected president in this day and age. I think Taft was the last guy. People only voted for him because they wanted to see him get stuck in a tub.

  7. Cafe23 says:

    Hahaha this post is hilarious. I think making fun of yourself always makes for good humour =P

  8. mooselicker says:

    I think my stories are quite interesting (who doesn’t have that thought?) but I was never abused by my parents. Children however made up for it. They abused me until I could drive. Then I ran them all over (not really, but if I had been abused as a child, I probably would have and this story would have been better)

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