There are a few strange things I am absolutely obsessed with. I’m different like that. I don’t get obsessed with people. People stink. I can’t remember the last time I stalked a girl. That’s sad. A lonely person like me doesn’t even stalk girls anymore they’ve become so lame. What has this world come to? I would like to take the opportunity to talk about a few of my strange obsessions.
My first obsession is brought to you by you. That’s right. You’re the sponsor of it. You’re like Juicy Juice on PBS. I am absolutely obsessed with celebrity look-alikes. I love finding out that I look like a celebrity. After a couple of awful ones though it becomes hurtful. That’s when I move over and instead focus on others. Who do they look like? The most common look-alikes my friend and I find seem to be Rivers Cuomo (any guy with nerd glasses), Seth Rogan (any fat guy with a beard), Phillip Seymour Hoffman (any fat guy with blondish hair), Jack Swagger (any young guy with blonde hair), Dean Pelton (any bald guy with glasses), Julianne Moore (any normal looking girl with red hair), the kid from Mask (any weird-looking girl with red hair), and Wesley Snipes (anyone not white). It’s pretty entertaining to do. At least, for someone like me who doesn’t like talking to strangers. What can I say, I’m an observer.
I’m starting to worry that I don’t have as many obsessions as I thought I did. Oh well. This will be a shorter post then. My next obsession is Vitamin C drops. I know, of all the addictions in the world to have mine is to a lozenge that helps provide me with an essential vitamin. I love these things so much that I have to hide them in my car. Otherwise I would “snack” on them all day long. Can you snack on a multivitamin? Or is that considered being really healthy? I’ll have to ask a doctor. I know eating a lot of these will probably kill me, somehow. That’s why they stay in my glove compartment. I know myself well enough by now to know that I will not go outside to get some vitamins. I’ll pop a few in my mouth during my commute to work or if I’m eating dinner in my car which is fine. It’s still limiting myself in some form. Yeah, you were probably hoping I was obsessed with something cool like heroin or comic books. But no. I am obsessed with little 15 color fruit flavored cold suppressants.
(Second time using this picture, told you I was obsessed)
Okay, ready for my biggest obsession. It’s been about 6 months that I’ve been obsessed with it. It’s kind of weird, but allow me to explain. I am obsessed with small pox masks. Yeah. Fucking strange. If you’ve seen the film Kingdom of Heaven, you might remember that Edward Norton’s character had small pox and had to wear a mask. No? You don’t remember that? Yeah, they didn’t make that very clear. But I read up about it. I am absolutely enamored with them. I’m not sure if human beings really wear them anymore. Shit, small pox doesn’t even really exist except in Made for TV “Terrorists Killing Everyone” movies. Marcia Gay-Harden is usually in these movies. That’s another quick obsession of mine. Saying Marcia Gay-Hardened Criminal. That should be her name! I don’t know. It entertains me because she’s such a pig nosed goody-goody that she’d never be a criminal. If I ever was to contract small pox from a sexual partner (that’s how you get it, right?) I would surely wear a mask. A creepy mask. Everyone would know that I had small pox too. I’d go on a water slide and they’d say I had to remove my mask and I’d say “Hey buddy, I can’t. Got the Small P.” I figure if I ever get small pox it would be so cool that we’ll call it the Small P. If you learned anything from this last paragraph it surely should be that I am constantly fantasizing about small pox masks.
(Even in a mask the man has charisma)
There you have it. Three of my current obsessions. I’m also kind of real into Wake-Up Wraps from Dunkin Donuts, but they didn’t make the cut. I’m sorry, that obsessed is too normal and embarrassing. Do you have any strange obsessions? Why do I even bother asking? You’d tell me anyway.