One of my “resolutions” for 2012 was to have new experiences. I put the word resolutions in quotations because I didn’t come up with it being a resolution until a few seconds ago. I’m also not a person who likes to say I will do something because it’s a new year. I do something because I think it will make my life better. I do something because I hope it helps get pretty girls to talk to me.
My Saturday nights typically aren’t very exciting. I’ll either sit at home working on something I’m writing, go somewhere with my ex-girlfriend (that feels weird to say, right now we call each other “some random guy/girl” I think it helps because we both hate all of our exes), or I’ll watch TV. And when I say TV, I mean I plug my external hard drive into my computer and watch television shows that were on 5 years ago. I don’t want you thinking I spend my Saturday nights watching Cops. Even I find that a little pathetic and I have a large booger hanging from a nose hair as I type.
I made an attempt to do something new on a Saturday night. I gathered up all of my friends (one guy) and decided we would paint the town red. Our first fun stop, Subway. That might not sound so exciting, but by golly you haven’t had fun until you’ve hung out with us! Get this. I had jalapenos on my sandwich. I like to live dangerously. Even more thrilling, he tried a brand new sandwich that he never tried before and got some jalapeno flavored chips to go with it. Oh my! Exciting boys.
(This is going to be us in 5 months. At least a chick will be there)
We sat in the parking lot for 20 minutes after trying to figure out what to do. I texted everyone I knew (my 2 sisters) to find out where to hang out. He texted everyone he knew (me) and I told him that if he had something to say he could just say it out loud. Apparently my hometown hasn’t changed much since I moved. I’m still around there enough, but I figured in the last 2 years maybe an arcade or an orgy palace had spawned up. My sisters were no help. The one suggested going some place I always go to, going some place that’s 40 minutes away, and then suggesting I go fuck myself if her suggestions weren’t good enough. My other sister was even less helpful. She didn’t even have a suggestion. I always wonder where 21-year-old girls hang out. The lesson of the night, at home with a friend as clueless as she.
Eventually we decided to give some new bar a shot. It’s not really new as much as it looks clean and we remember when it was built. He knew someone who was almost date raped there so we thought this could lead to some excitement. The crowd was a “gigantic sausage fest” as he suggested. The bartender was either pregnant or only stores fat in her lower abdomen. I didn’t ask. We thought it was best to leave. We weren’t going to get date raped here. Not with a playoff football game on the TV. Oh, but we did spot the first homosexual we ever knew there. He was one of those kids who you knew was gay when he was 12. He has a huge bald spot now. I sense the Westboro Baptist Church reading this then saying that the fact that he was gay led to baldness.
(Beans from Even Stevens then and now. He’s not gay, but he did lose all of his hair in a freak plutonium mining accident)
Our sphincters intact, it was time to try somewhere else. We journeyed to a place that was even closer to our childhood homes. I won’t say where because I recognized a few people there. My new shtick is telling people I meet that I’m a professional psychic medium. I don’t want to be found out if one of them for some reason reads this and finds out that I can’t really talk to dead people.
While walking in a large man joked with us about getting a fake cigarette and then said “Look, the Lee sisters. Lonely and Ugly.” as a lonely and ugly woman passed by. It took me a moment to get it. Now it’s my favorite thing to say. We walked in and the places was much emptier than I expected. We managed to get seats right away which is always a plus. The bartender came over immediately and asked us what we wanted. I said “I’ll just have a water.” I always throw in the word “just” when ordering a water. I probably shouldn’t. It makes me sound like a coward. I’m admitting what a wimp I am for not drinking. I should really say “I’ll start with a water and possibly move onto something more mind altering depending upon how the evening goes.” But I don’t. My buddy got a Miller Lite because it was the only thing on Tap that he could spot.
It was a typical pub. Young people, old people, loners, couples, hamburgers, sports, a clogged toilet, darts. The best thing was that most of the people who worked there were attractive. Even the homeliest was probably in the top 15 of bartenders I’ve ever seen in person. Maybe our night was going to turn around. Bartenders need sexy time from people too. I’ve only ever hooked up with one bartender. I’m not even positive if she was a bartender. She was probably only a waitress at a bar. Still, I’m proud. She had previously been dating some guy who I am pretty sure is now in the NHL. Talk about downgrading. It takes me 3 laps around an ice rink before I can let go of the sides.
(Me ice skating, second before falling I’m sure. Notice the feet aimed inward and the ankles caving in)
My friend claimed ownership over the “head” bartender. I call her the head one because she seemed in charge and I would like her to give me that, head. She was a cute redhead who seemed to smile in the distance for no real reason at all. She’d dance to the music and everything. Only one douche chill moment happened when someone was ignoring her and I saw her roll her eyes. We made brief eye contact and I jumped into gear and said “They’re ignoring you!” a little too overeager. She then proceeded to ignore me. The only thing more embarrassing would have been if she had asked me what I said and I had to repeat it again. What could her response have been, “Yes. Yes they are ignoring me. You see things that I see then you say them out loud to strangers. Thank you.” So it’s for the best that I fucked up, right?
Another bartender called me sweetie. She was pretty good-looking too. Out of my league good-looking. Not that I couldn’t get her. She just looks like someone who would be disgusted looking at me in daylight. She was part Spanish I think. Although she wasn’t very mean so it’s hard to tell. I debated with my friend why she might call me sweetie. He was nice and said maybe she has a thing for me. I was realistic and said she’s probably a lot older than we think. I eavesdropped and found out she was 22. So much for my theory. Maybe she’s into me? Then he needed a drink and she called him sweetie. Never mind. It’s what she calls everyone. I’ve been called worse.
A live band came on. It took them 45 minutes to warm up. Their guitar player had a grey beard. Their singer still had some baby teeth. This was a sign that they were going to suck. They warmed up with either “Are You Gonna Be My Girl?” by Jet or “Lust for Life” by Iggy Pop. It’s the same song. Who knows? Sluts poured into the bar. More and more of them each passing minute. Then I’d get a glimpse into their world by hearing their conversations and think to myself “Hey, I don’t belong here. These people don’t think like I do.” The band began to play “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” a song that nobody likes or knows who does it. My friend hates life music and we both tried to justify that who only left because of that when really I have a feeling we left because we both knew that it was now impossible for a girl to come up and say to either of us “I like your jacket.” Yes, we both wore our cool black jackets. Nobody commented on them. But hey, I thought we looked pretty cool. And isn’t that what matters?
(Hey, you can look like a douche while wearing leather)
I dropped him off at home after our night of new experiences. It could have been better, it could have been worse. The moral of the story is that new experiences are never the way you wish they were. They’re not bad and you can have fun doing them. I’m sure we’ll go back there another time. I mean, the waitstaff alone makes it worth the trip. I look forward to more new experiences this year. You know, like having a threesome or going to bed and waking up happy.