New Experiences

Posted: January 21, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

One of my “resolutions” for 2012 was to have new experiences. I put the word resolutions in quotations because I didn’t come up with it being a resolution until a few seconds ago. I’m also not a person who likes to say I will do something because it’s a new year. I do something because I think it will make my life better. I do something because I hope it helps get pretty girls to talk to me.

My Saturday nights typically aren’t very exciting. I’ll either sit at home working on something I’m writing, go somewhere with my ex-girlfriend (that feels weird to say, right now we call each other “some random guy/girl” I think it helps because we both hate all of our exes), or I’ll watch TV. And when I say TV, I mean I plug my external hard drive into my computer and watch television shows that were on 5 years ago. I don’t want you thinking I spend my Saturday nights watching Cops. Even I find that a little pathetic and I have a large booger hanging from a nose hair as I type.

I made an attempt to do something new on a Saturday night. I gathered up all of my friends (one guy) and decided we would paint the town red. Our first fun stop, Subway. That might not sound so exciting, but by golly you haven’t had fun until you’ve hung out with us! Get this. I had jalapenos on my sandwich. I like to live dangerously. Even more thrilling, he tried a brand new sandwich that he never tried before and got some jalapeno flavored chips to go with it. Oh my! Exciting boys.

(This is going to be us in 5 months. At least a chick will be there)

We sat in the parking lot for 20 minutes after trying to figure out what to do. I texted everyone I knew (my 2 sisters) to find out where to hang out. He texted everyone he knew (me) and I told him that if he had something to say he could just say it out loud. Apparently my hometown hasn’t changed much since I moved. I’m still around there enough, but I figured in the last 2 years maybe an arcade or an orgy palace had spawned up. My sisters were no help. The one suggested going some place I always go to, going some place that’s 40 minutes away, and then suggesting I go fuck myself if her suggestions weren’t good enough. My other sister was even less helpful. She didn’t even have a suggestion. I always wonder where 21-year-old girls hang out. The lesson of the night, at home with a friend as clueless as she.

Eventually we decided to give some new bar a shot. It’s not really new as much as it looks clean and we remember when it was built. He knew someone who was almost date raped there so we thought this could lead to some excitement. The crowd was a “gigantic sausage fest” as he suggested. The bartender was either pregnant or only stores fat in her lower abdomen. I didn’t ask. We thought it was best to leave. We weren’t going to get date raped here. Not with a playoff football game on the TV. Oh, but we did spot the first homosexual we ever knew there. He was one of those kids who you knew was gay when he was 12. He has a huge bald spot now. I sense the Westboro Baptist Church reading this then saying that the fact that he was gay led to baldness.

(Beans from Even Stevens then and now. He’s not gay, but he did lose all of his hair in a freak plutonium mining accident)

Our sphincters intact, it was time to try somewhere else. We journeyed to a place that was even closer to our childhood homes. I won’t say where because I recognized a few people there. My new shtick is telling people I meet that I’m a professional psychic medium. I don’t want to be found out if one of them for some reason reads this and finds out that I can’t really talk to dead people.

While walking in a large man joked with us about getting a fake cigarette and then said “Look, the Lee sisters. Lonely and Ugly.” as a lonely and ugly woman passed by. It took me a moment to get it. Now it’s my favorite thing to say. We walked in and the places was much emptier than I expected. We managed to get seats right away which is always a plus. The bartender came over immediately and asked us what we wanted. I said “I’ll just have a water.” I always throw in the word “just” when ordering a water. I probably shouldn’t. It makes me sound like a coward. I’m admitting what a wimp I am for not drinking. I should really say “I’ll start with a water and possibly move onto something more mind altering depending upon how the evening goes.” But I don’t. My buddy got a Miller Lite because it was the only thing on Tap that he could spot.

It was a typical pub. Young people, old people, loners, couples, hamburgers, sports, a clogged toilet, darts. The best thing was that most of the people who worked there were attractive. Even the homeliest was probably in the top 15 of bartenders I’ve ever seen in person. Maybe our night was going to turn around. Bartenders need sexy time from people too. I’ve only ever hooked up with one bartender. I’m not even positive if she was a bartender. She was probably only a waitress at a bar. Still, I’m proud. She had previously been dating some guy who I am pretty sure is now in the NHL. Talk about downgrading. It takes me 3 laps around an ice rink before I can let go of the sides.

(Me ice skating, second before falling I’m sure. Notice the feet aimed inward and the ankles caving in)

My friend claimed ownership over the “head” bartender. I call her the head one because she seemed in charge and I would like her to give me that, head. She was a cute redhead who seemed to smile in the distance for no real reason at all. She’d dance to the music and everything. Only one douche chill moment happened when someone was ignoring her and I saw her roll her eyes. We made brief eye contact and I jumped into gear and said “They’re ignoring you!” a little too overeager. She then proceeded to ignore me. The only thing more embarrassing would have been if she had asked me what I said and I had to repeat it again. What could her response have been, “Yes. Yes they are ignoring me. You see things that I see then you say them out loud to strangers. Thank you.” So it’s for the best that I fucked up, right?

Another bartender called me sweetie. She was pretty good-looking too. Out of my league good-looking. Not that I couldn’t get her. She just looks like someone who would be disgusted looking at me in daylight. She was part Spanish I think. Although she wasn’t very mean so it’s hard to tell. I debated with my friend why she might call me sweetie. He was nice and said maybe she has a thing for me. I was realistic and said she’s probably a lot older than we think. I eavesdropped and found out she was 22. So much for my theory. Maybe she’s into me? Then he needed a drink and she called him sweetie. Never mind. It’s what she calls everyone. I’ve been called worse.

A live band came on. It took them 45 minutes to warm up. Their guitar player had a grey beard. Their singer still had some baby teeth. This was a sign that they were going to suck. They warmed up with either “Are You Gonna Be My Girl?” by Jet or “Lust for Life” by Iggy Pop. It’s the same song. Who knows? Sluts poured into the bar. More and more of them each passing minute. Then I’d get a glimpse into their world by hearing their conversations and think to myself “Hey, I don’t belong here. These people don’t think like I do.” The band began to play “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” a song that nobody likes or knows who does it. My friend hates life music and we both tried to justify that who only left because of that when really I have a feeling we left because we both knew that it was now impossible for a girl to come up and say to either of us “I like your jacket.” Yes, we both wore our cool black jackets. Nobody commented on them. But hey, I thought we looked pretty cool. And isn’t that what matters?

(Hey, you can look like a douche while wearing leather)

I dropped him off at home after our night of new experiences. It could have been better, it could have been worse. The moral of the story is that new experiences are never the way you wish they were. They’re not bad and you can have fun doing them. I’m sure we’ll go back there another time. I mean, the waitstaff alone makes it worth the trip. I look forward to more new experiences this year. You know, like having a threesome or going to bed and waking up happy.

  1. Lily says:

    This is possibly my favorite post that you’ve written thus far.
    I cannot believe that’s Beans! I tweeted(ugh i know) about Even Stevens yesterday (because it was on tv) and I had no choice but to watch.
    “It took me a moment to get it. Now it’s my favorite thing to say.” hahah I love this.
    That Ice skating picture is so cute! I wish I could just stand on skates.
    I’m a little more wild and order diet pepsi at bars.
    Also, Deep Blue Something sings Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I liked that song when I was 10 or whenever it came out.

    • mooselicker says:

      I never got much into Even Stevens. Shia is Cajun and my family as a “thing” about the French from Louisiana. Are you really that bad of an ice skater? I wouldn’t think it would be much different than skiing. I can’t ride a bike so if you can do that then you still have one up on me.

      I wouldn’t call ordering a Diet Pepsi at a bar more wild. I would call it “less cheap.”

      What shocks me most about your comment is that you actually knew who did Breakfast at Tiffany’s off the top of your head. That’s one of the few 90’s one hit wonders I never liked. Flagpole Sitta, Got You Where I Want You, Good, Possum Kingdom are all wonderful. Breakfast at Tiffany’s just missed me. I think I was confused because Tiffany’s is a jewelry store and you can’t eat a diamond.

      • Lily says:

        What can I say? I’m a creep. Shia is a Cajun weirdo, but his last name is dangerously close to my maiden name. Lily LaBute-LaBeouf has a certain ring to it, dontcha think?
        Ice skating just scares me for some reason. I might not be that bad, but I’m not gonna find out. I can ride a bike, but its not my favorite activity by any means.

      • mooselicker says:

        I didn’t even put that together how similar you two are. My friend (the same one from this story) has a date with a girl named Kim Coyle coming up. Kind of scary considering it perfectly rhymes with my name. I’m starting to think he’s making it up.

        For some reason I picture you riding a two person bike and laughing. But I guess you have to laugh if you’re on a two person bike. That’s almost the funniest thing anyone could do.

      • Lily says:

        Kim Coyle and Tim Boyle. I just wanted to type it out for shits and gigs. He’s probably making that up though.
        I don’t know who invented tandem biking, but I feel like its the same person who wrote the Human Centipede script.

      • mooselicker says:

        Haha they really should make a G-Rated version of it with a 3 person bicycle instead. It’d open it up to a whole new audience!

  2. robpixaday says:

    Hi, Sweetie!
    Ha…sorry. Couldn’t resist.

    Love this post. It’s got humor, drama, local color, and at least one booger (a word that makes me giggle no matter what).

    Hey, you’re adorable in that picture. Tilt-y ankles or not.

    One of the coolest new experience things I ever did on a Saturday night was when the guy I was with decided we should walk through a Burger King drive-thru. Yes, we’d been drinking. No, I don’t do that anymore. So…we walked to the drive-thru window (I suppose we didn’t walk too steadily) and pretended it was a tollbooth on the Barry bridge. He pretended to be holding a steering wheel and I pretended to be looking at a map. He tossed a dollar bill at the drive-thru/tollbooth guy and I remember yelling out the pretend window that we were lost and which way was Florida, man? I’m glad no one called the police on us.

    It was fun. But we weren’t wearing cool black jackets like you were.

    So what’s up for this Saturday?

    And lol re Westboro.

    • mooselicker says:

      Sweetie? Like your cat!

      I bet you have a lot of interesting troublesome youth stories. When I went to Gettysburg some kid tried your trick. If I had known then I would have told me to stop stealing ideas. He wasn’t nearly as funny about it. He was just angry and loud. Most teenage boys are.

      This Saturday, hopefully not crashing my car in this 1 inch of snow that seemed to be a problem for a lot of people this morning. I think I’m only good for one or two new experiences a year. I was in AC last Sunday, that’s still technically this week. No threats from homeless guys this time. They don’t like hanging around the Borgata. It’s too new.

      Thanks for checking in!

  3. An immense post there Mr Licker. The way you explain the social awkwardness of the situations was hilarious and very well done.

    I have no idea who that Beans person is but he looks like a retired English footballer called David Platt.

    • mooselicker says:

      He was a child “star” if you can even call him that. I’m pretty sure he was a crackbaby with talent. I’ve never been able to find out exactly what is wrong with him but something definitely is.

      Thanks for the compliments M.C. I’m also sorry that you can relate to it, somewhat at least. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

  4. This was a great piece of writing. Love the details. I felt like I was there, spying on you.
    I can totally relate. Girls can have some painfully awkward moments, too. We would just stand around, my friends and I, and wait to get noticed, trying to look like we just ‘dropped by’ nonchalantly. The ‘behind the scenes’ effort that goes into looking casual is almost painful! haha! You probably know since you have sisters?

    • mooselicker says:

      It’s the whole idea of “bed head” in trying to look casual when you’re not. I always like when I catch a girl being awkward. I was grocery shopping and saw a girl there drop something and she had to use her leg to reach underneath a shelf to get it. She was cute too. I should have said more to her than “Creative!” Oh well. She was real pretty which means she was probably mean.

      But yeah, I like the awkward moments that girls have. They’re so similar to that of males yet a little bit different. I need to study these awkward girl moments more and be able to pick up on them. It’s kind of like a lion finding an injured zebra. Maybe more malicious because this is me we’re talking about.

  5. Cafe23 says:

    I like this post — my favourite one that you’ve written and that I’ve read. Maybe because it’s the most I’ve heard about your actual life, if that makes sense =P … And I definitely like your resolution, it’s a good one.

    Is this the first time you posted a pic of yourself?

  6. Cessel says:

    I didn’t think it was possible for me to laugh (loudly) because of a blog post, but you sure proved me wrong! Well done.
    Love how you described everything so detailed; You truly made me feel like I was stalking you (which is… good, I guess?). Not like I know the feeling of stalking someone… *looks around nervously*

    • mooselicker says:

      If I’m going to have a stalker, I’d have it be you.

      Thanks for the compliments! I could have gone a little more into detail but didn’t find it necessary to describe breasts, asses, or beards of people at the bar. Those are the things, in order, that I notice about others. I’m such a pig.

      • Cessel says:

        Aw, shucks, you’re soo just saying thaaaaat! (imagine that being said in a pretty high-pitched voice)
        Hey, can’t say I’m such a horse (or whatever farm animal who is considered to be non-perverted) either. Apparently, I suprise people being like that. HEE-HEE

      • mooselicker says:

        If it wasn’t for us perverts then the world would be a much safer place. Who wants to live without danger lurking outside their windows? We keep the blinds manufacturing companies in business. People Toms United!

      • mooselicker says:

        Peeping Toms United*

        ::sticks shotgun in mouth for sucking so badly::

  7. mindwarpfx says:

    No matter how, you had a good time it sounds like. Even if it didn’t end up in a three-some on a bike, or was that a three person bike ride to the three-some. good post! lol All th best!

    • mooselicker says:

      I’ll take either! I don’t know how to ride a bike so the other two ladies would have to do most of the work. It’d be strange to be a submissive for once. – Too Much Information

  8. I must admit you don’t look very comfortable on ice skates :).

  9. “I made an attempt to do something new on a Saturday night. I gathered up all of my friends (one guy) and decided we would paint the town red. Our first fun stop, Subway. That might not sound so exciting, but by golly you haven’t had fun until you’ve hung out with us!” hahaha brilliant!

  10. Pete Howorth says:

    There’s nothing more I like to do than go into pubs with loud music, looking mean and angry because the music is too loud. Barging people away from the bar and asserting my dominance. You should come on a night out with me!

    • mooselicker says:

      I definitely would. If for anything to learn something and the story. I’m starting to get the hang of being in people’s ways. Hearing a guy taller than me in a squeaking voice say “I’m sorry” makes my testosterone levels grow double.

  11. Nice post, Moose. I’m stealing the Lee sisters line. And I bet that guy had a lot of great stories from his days in the Merchant Marine.

  12. How did I miss this one?! Maybe because you wrote it on my husband’s bday and i took the day off from the Intertron. What are the odds that I’d miss your post with your picture?!

    On the other hand, that sounds like every experience I have going back home. Awkward, can’t find the cool spots, calling your sibling for help. Sounds like mild fun!

  13. […] those of you who have accomplished nothing with their lives and remember my old post New Experiences, you may remember me promising I would have more new experiences. I have. Not too many worth […]

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