I never would have imagined that the majority of people who comment, subscribe, and read my blog would be females. Why does this surprise me? Mostly because I’ve never had a female friend where at least one of us didn’t want to bang the other. It’s hard to be friends with someone of the other gender. You always hear about their dating problems and you think “I could make your life worth living” but instead you have to be silent as you pay for her dinner because she forgot her wallet.

I like having female “admirers.” It’s cute. The first female I ever almost became friends with wasn’t until I was almost out of high school. It was the married girl who sat at my lunch table. She was off-limits, not that I wanted any, which I guess might have helped. I don’t remember anything we talked about. I know she insisted I was on drugs because I would talk about what restaurants had the best biscuits a lot. The answer, Popeyes Chicken of course.

(Why is one hanging off the plate? Get a bigger plate or make one less next time)

Today is your day female fans. My tribute to you and all other females. You’ve got a lot of great things about you. Yes. Your boobs, your asses, your legs, your hair, your cute button noses, your boobs again, your smiles, your boobs one last time, are all wonderful. I could talk about them forever. I won’t though. That would be more of a tribute to males if I did. It would turn into an erotic tale or something else that might make women hate me. I don’t need that. I’ve finally fooled you all into thinking I’m a nice guy.

One thing that women are great at is empathy. At the very least, they’re great at faking it. I get empathy and sympathy confused a lot. The point is that women are so much more caring about the feelings of others. I can tell a complete stranger with a vagina my problems before telling a close friend with a penis. I guess if you grew up hating your mother then it might be harder. I never thought the day would come where I would rather talk to girls over guys, even in a non-sexual way. Women are so much more interesting. And I only said that last sentence hoping one will read that then have sexual relations with me.

(She doesn’t have to say a word and I’m intrigued)

I will not say that women are smarter than men. That’s a generalization. It’s no different from saying Russians are fatter than Albanians. Some are, sure. Not all. For smarts I think that a smart guy is smarter than a smart girl. But I do believe that a dumb guy is dumber than a dumb girl. For instance, if there were 10 people in a room, 5 guys and 5 girls, of all different brain levels. The order would probably go something like Boy-Boy-Girl-Girl-Girl-Boy-Girl-Girl-Boy-Boy. Is that sexist? I hope not. I’m trying to pay homage to my favorite gender to look at naked. Sorry guys, as much as I don’t mind seeing a wiener, balls are pretty weird.

Back to things I think are so wonderful about women. I think you guys have a much better sense of humor than guys. Again, not all of you, but a lot of you. More women get offended by things, but the ones who don’t are pretty damn cool. Girls like things that are clever. They don’t like simple saying of the word “testicles” like us guys do. The perfect comedy for a man would be 2 hours of Will Ferrell saying testicles. The perfect comedy for a woman would be 2 hours of wordplay. Women wouldn’t care who the star was either. As long as he was attractive. Yeah, that’s one thing you women have to own up to. A man would never see a movie because a hot chick is in it. A woman will always see a movie because a hot dude is in it. Are dudes hot? Like someone who goes by that name, a dude. It makes me think of surfers and Jeff Bridges.

(Pictures of Jeff Bridges are currently unavailable. But here’s Jeff Daniels!)

Ladies also will do something for their man even if they don’t want to. Sure, a guy might go to the ballet and be supportive. He’ll let you know that he’s not having fun with the scowl on his face. A girl will go to a sporting event even if she doesn’t know the rules or can tell which players are cute. She’ll ask questions like “what’s the score?”, “was that good or bad?”, and “can we switch seats, the man next to me smells like urine?” Girls are always up for taking chances that men are not. Even when you know you will not have fun and could potentially be killed you will do it. That’s brave. I don’t do anything unless there is an outside chance that something miraculous will happen. I’m such a coward. I belong between a women’s legs at all time (because I’m a big pussy).

Despite all of the gossiping you gals do, all of the trash-talking, all of the phony pretending to be friends with your worst enemy, you continue to truck along in life with a smile on your face. Women have this drive to succeed. Guys are kind of just there sometimes. Females are always looking for a direction to head toward. It’s valiant. There are times in my life when I’ll putter around walking into walls having no idea what I want to do. Girls have such a better idea of where life will and should take them. I’d applaud but I never clap for a woman. They don’t need to know how wonderful they are. Otherwise they might get lazy like us men.

(This picture came up when I typed in “lazy man.” How is he lazy? He got dressed and is wearing a nice shirt. That bed obviously cost a lot of money. He’s probably been working hard all week. That redhead needs to stop pouting and be happy that she doesn’t live in a time where she’d be drowned)

Yep, you girls are pretty awesome. You give birth to children, you cook meals for the family, and you do a lot of really disgusting things that even I’d blush about if I typed them out. Actually no. I’d have a completely different bodily reaction. I’ll let you use your imagination and be the sick person to come up with it. It’s fun to have people who are completely different from you enjoying what you write. I’m a white American male living in the United States of America and hardly any of my frequent readers match that demographic. It’s beautiful in a way. That we can still connect despite having so many differences. I guess it’s true what they say–

“Men are from earth and so are women. Why would you think that we were possibly from another planet? Because there’s that random weird face on Mars? That doesn’t mean men are from that planet. And have you ever read anything about the atmosphere on Venus? Women would melt if they came from there!” – a popular book title about the differences between men and women

  1. You’re welcome. (I guess you said thank you, but actually I’m not very sure)
    But I don’t agree with you. Instead of making less biscuits you should eat the one that didn’t make it on the plate.
    Further on, I will not argue about the rest of your post!

    • mooselicker says:

      Thank you for saying you’re welcome and you’re welcome for saying thank you (huh?)

      I haven’t had a Popeye’s Biscuit in years. Do they have them over in your area? I know they have wonderful females, you’re proof of it! (Wouldn’t it be great if tomorrow it was revealed that I had a crawlspace full of women? People would be so confused!)

      • No, we don’t have them here as far as I know, but they look tasty. Thanks for all the flattery, you sneaky flatterer. And I think people would be slightly disgusted. A crawl space full of women? Ain’t that a bit weird? And I make you think of that?
        You’re right. I am confused :).

  2. Your love letter to women is awesome because it’s written in typical Mooselicker form. Compliments surrounded by boob jokes.

  3. What a lovely tribute to women… beautiful, really.
    I actually think guys are way funnier. They just say things, cross the line, and put it all out there. Women censor themselves. I think woman makes a better audience than a man does? Just in general. Funny guys always fall for girls that appreciate their sense of humor, they like a good audience. Hmmm…. could it be that’s why you have so many female followers? haha!

    • mooselicker says:

      If you had posted this 2 weeks ago I would have thought you were a genius. I always wanted a simple explanation for why males are funnier than females. Then I heard it described that men are more honest than women. It’s such a perfect thing to say, even to a feminist. If she says that’s not true then she is lying, thus proving your point.

      I like to think it’s my face that brings in the ladies but I’m realistic. I have to use my perfect 10 personality to get anyone’s attention. It’s so tiring having to be “on.”

  4. Lily says:

    “That redhead needs to stop pouting and be happy that she doesn’t live in a time where she’d be drowned” hahah love it.
    I agree with mi madre on this one, I think guys are much funnier than gals.
    This was such a sweet little post. You make women sound pretty great. It is weird to be friends with people of a different gender. Most of my good friends are guys and I’ve had crushes on all of them. I basically love anyone who makes me laugh. Aka every man.

    • Lily says:

      Ps. Popeyes biscuits are seriously a gift from God.

    • mooselicker says:

      You’re such a tomboy. I get along with women much better now than I ever did. I guess it has to do with being around them a lot more. They’re forced into interacting with me. You never struck me as someone who falls for every single guy she comes in contact with. I’d see you being pickier. But hey, we already have so much similar about us that why would that be any different?

      • Lily says:

        Hahah so true about the fourth Wiseman.
        We are way too similar. I would throw in the spirit animals joke (can we call it a joke even though its not funny?) but I feel like I’ve exhausted it.

      • mooselicker says:

        It’s too creepy sometimes. When is your birthday by the way? I know it’s right around mine and I will shit my pants when I find out it’s the same day as mine. I will then be certain that we need to kill each other.

      • Lily says:

        Hahaah I think it’s different because didn’t you say yours was at the end of October (why do I remember that? Or did I make that up?)? Mine is the 5th. If yours is the 5th, or even has 5 in it, I might just kill you anyway.

      • mooselicker says:

        Okay, no death for me. I’m the 9th. 10-9-87 like a count down. Not only are you older than me, you’re also taller than me. I’ve never felt so weak.

      • Lily says:

        Wait. Your birthday is so cool. The jealousy that I have for your birthday should negate the fact that I’m taller and older than you. Normal logic.

  5. Cafe23 says:

    Way to score with your readers =P

    I think I need to follow this up with a post on Males. There are so many awesome things about guys — I definitely have always had more guy friends than girl friends, and even my female friends are not your typical girls. I can’t do the trash-talking, two-faced shit. Not that all girls are like that, but as a group they do have a tendency to be more passive aggressive in that way.

    I also need to give a tribute to males because thinking back to all of the comments I’ve received on my blog, they’re almost all from men! Either: 1) more men than women read my blog; or 2) just as many women read my blog but are less likely to comment. Or maybe the guys just think I’m cute and therefore interesting *wiggles eyebrows.* I’d really love some more female perspectives though, but I definitely appreciate comments from all walks of life =)

    Anyways, thanks for the tribute Tim!

    • mooselicker says:

      Maybe that’s a constant trend. Males comment on females and vice versa. I know I comment on blogs of girls I find attractive. Is that wrong? I don’t know, when I see a pretty face with “something to say” I have to click on it. Then I’m overjoyed when it’s something fun and interesting. Sometimes it isn’t. I am amazed how many good-looking people do blog. It seems like such an ugly person thing to do.

      I really need to start some kind of a blogging orgy to get this all out of our systems.

  6. I always found women are ”nicer” than men. Any time I would talk to a girl, they’d always smile and you get a happy vibe feeling from them. Like it can pick up your day. Sadly, a lot of girls in UK and Ireland are just god damn awful, offensive, in your face attitude. The pictures these girls post up on FB is just not right and the first word that comes to your mind is ”whore”. But, they’re not all like that as that’s being said constantly in this comment section.

    Sometimes I actually feel more relaxed around a girl than a guy, maybe it’s because I find it hard to trust people…especially with men for some reason. I’m thinking, ”Is this guy gonna start on me?”

    When I talk to women, I don’t think when looking at her, ”hmm, I should bang her!” Okay, maybe sometimes, but I’m always curious to what they’re thinking about me so that imagery doesn’t affect me.

    I am always confused, wondering if they like me or not which is a problem. At the moment, I’m not looking for a relationship, and sometimes I feel like a girl could be waiting for me to ask them out and I don’t want that so I don’t disappoint them when I don’t ask.

    • mooselicker says:

      You’re not alone Ray. It’s hard to find a good honest girl. Do you have a nice Irish accent? You should come to America. You could get any girl you want.

      Great response. I’m glad to see this side of you 🙂

  7. haha, I do have a little Irish accent. However, I consider myself more Italian than Irish, my Dad is Italian so there’s the connection.

    Whenever I’m online, it’s only ever Wrestling I’d discuss really. Aside from project work and research etc..

    Everybody has two sides 😛

  8. Pete Howorth says:

    Never trust a female that can fart on their own head.

  9. Emily He says:

    I totally know what you mean about, “…I’ve never had a female friend where at least one of us didn’t want to bang the other. It’s hard to be friends with someone of the other gender.” No matter how platonic my relationships are with a male on the outside, my mind often wanders off into playland. This is a chronic problem.

    Also, thanks for recognizing that us women are absolutely the finest, wisest, and most intriguing creatures alive! That makes you a “real man”.

    • mooselicker says:

      I thought it made me horny? Hmmm.

      It bothers me most when friends act surprised that the possibility of the other falling in love was impossible. Haven’t they seen any movie ever?

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