I’m sitting here wondering about a world before pants. Actually I’m lying. I’m sitting here looking around the room for something to write about. I’m wearing pants for once which means that must be a sign I should write about them. The pants I’m wearing right now are pajama pants. They’re camouflage. I look like I belong in the Cuddly Marines because my pants are so incredibly soft.
(A POW of the Cuddly Marines. I don’t know this kid. It’s creepy that I’m posting his picture)
Pants have been around for a long time despite not being around at the beginning of time. Jesus never wore pants. He wore a gown. At least, that’s what it looks like to me. Julius Caesar never wore pants either. He was killed by his best friend, Brutus. If my best friend killed me I would not be surprised. I would not say “And you too?” I would say “I knew you were going to do this someday, bastard.” The earliest person I can remember ever seeing depicted in pants is Christopher Columbus. Using this logic, pants were invented in 1492. Let’s stick with that.
(I really hope he’s wearing pants or else he’s clearly playing with himself)
The purpose of pants is to cover up your private parts. And to cover up the knees of people with knobs for knees. Before pants we used fig leaves to cover our private parts. Then Isaac Newton came around and turned the fig into a delicious cookie, The Fig Newton. A couple of bullies called it The Fag Newton because bullies don’t like cookies without a chocolaty flavor. It’s true. Think about everyone who has ever picked on you. Did they or did they not have a chocolate stain on their lips? After the fig leaf went out of style we decided to wear furs over our crotches. We had developed the ancient art of killing an animal to cover our shame. That’s kind of silly. If someone did that today, killed an animal only to wear their skin, we’d be outraged by them. Survival used to depend on it. If you didn’t have the most trendy of raccoon skins for underpants you’d be made fun of then killed. The ancient world was a cruel place.
People eventually learned how to sew which led to the toga. The toga was used primarily because it could cover the entire body. The citizens of those ancient times were lazy and did not care to put on a shirt and pants separately. Oh, they had the technology to build pants. Believe me. They were just too lazy to do it. The Romans had bath houses to hang out in. It wasn’t even a gay thing. Can you imagine that? Hanging out with your buddies in a bath and it not be a gay thing? I can’t even sit next to a friend at the movie theater without feeling slightly homosexual.
(Speaking of slightly homosexual)
The night-gown, worn by Jesus and all of his disciples, was pretty popular for quite a long time. I’m not really sure what happened in history from the year 0 until 1492. It’s all kind of a blur. That was such a gigantic chunk of human history yet we seem to know less about that time period than any other. I think there might have been a few Crusades. The Crusades, where a bunch of white people invaded a country of olive-skinned people claiming that their god was a white guy who grew up in a land of only olive-skinned people. Okay–no wonder they had to make up King Arthur to get others behind that story.
(Common battle garb for a man in the times of Jesus)
Christopher Columbus somehow got his greedy hands on a pair of pants. The pants he wore were silly pants. They were tight and the kind of pants that a clown might wear. His discovery of a new land would eventually lead to the murder of a bunch of non-pants wearing people called the Native Americans. I guess back then they weren’t called Native Americans. They were called “in-my-ways.” That’s exactly what they were. In the way of pilgrims. Their presence alone was a nuisance. Native Americans used to actually live in gigantic beautiful mansions. They felt bad about taking up so much land and decided to conserve space by living in teepees. A small triangular home that was only big enough to shit in. They could no longer hang fancy paintings on their walls. They had to resort to hanging scalps which were much smaller. In today’s world, Native Americans do wear pants. Usually these pants are filled with poker chips. We killed their ancestors and gave them casinos. The world is a bloody mess where money fixes everything.
Were are we in history? We’re in like 1776 or so. People are still wearing silly Christopher Columbus pants. Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, and other racists all wearing the same type of tight-fitting girly clown pants. Then the Declaration of Independence is signed. The United States is free from England, a country that thrives on not wearing real pants. We fight a couple of wars, enslave a couple of races, and before you know it blue jeans are around. I saw the film Gettysburg or at least part of it. It takes place in the 1860s in Pennsylvania. I actually almost got a hand job at Gettysburg, but that’s another story for another day with no real ending. The soldiers for the Union wore blue. This, my friends, the invention of blue jeans. It came out of hate, war, racial suppression, but I think it was all worth it. I would give my life so my children could live in a world with blue jeans. They’re so form-fitting that it’s worth death to have.
(Brett Favre killed 19 men to get ahold of these real comfortable jeans. He only showed 2 of them a picture of his penis)
Today, in the year 2015( don’t want this to be time sensitive) there are lots of types of pants. There’s the aforementioned blue jeans, there are khakis, there are cargo pants, douche bags wear dockers, there are pants that are impossible to stain, pants of every color you could imagine, pants that if you were thrown from a plane would act as a parachute, pants that have the bottoms cut off, pants with the backs cut out, the types of pants that exist are endless. Dogs also pant when they’re hot. This is one of those cases where why don’t they call a dog panting something else. Call it a dog breathing heavily. Or if you need its own word call it Supplenating. I made up a word that means nothing. Merriam Webster never did that. Too busy getting teased for having a girl’s name.