Apologies

Posted: January 28, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I would like to take today to apologize for a few things. Nothing that I’ve done. Shit. I’m perfect. I have not a thing to apologize for to anyone. That’s a sign of weakness apologizing. That’s what tough guys that nobody likes say.

The apologies I would like to make are for men in general. I want to be honest for a moment because everything else I have ever said in my entire life has been a lie. Men are jerks. We are. Sorry. That’s how Zeus made us. Not our faults. Still, that doesn’t mean that we can’t apologize for being created so half-assed. I know there are women out there who say stuff like “God created man first because you always start with a rough draft” or something similar to that. I fucked up the quote, I think. But you get the point. Women who use that quote usually get punched in the face by the rough drafts they’re dating. It’s a silly argument to make. Why would God even need two attempts? It’s the same argument that you make with children. The second child can say to the older child “mommy and daddy wanted another baby because they did it wrong the first time.” I don’t think that to be true. A much better thing to say would be “mommy and daddy loved me so much that they decided to try to make perfection again, but they fucked up so badly that they didn’t try anything else after that.” I’m a middle child. I have an older and a younger sister. I like to say that they fucked up the first time and wanted to get it right the second time, they got it right and went to try for perfection again, but they fucked it up again and figured why try creating such beauty (me) again. That’s my logic for remaining existing.

(You really believe that this is completed?)

Onto my apologies for men. The first thing to apologize for are dick pictures. I’m sorry. Every girl has received a picture of a male genitalia at some point. It’s one thing if it’s solicited or asked for, but when it comes out of the blue then there is no reason for it at all. Girls do not get turned on by random pictures of the Loch Ness Monsters of private parts. It’s weird, strange, and reveals what a social outcast you are. Women want to be wowed. Showing a picture of your dick via text message makes your dick less like the Holy Grail and more like a bag of Peanut Chews. Very few people have seen the Holy Grail and for those who have, it’s an amazing experience. Many more have seen bags of Peanut Chews. They’re kind of everywhere. Pictures of your dick also have the same reaction as does the opening of the Lost Ark of the Covenant. See the first Indiana Jones movie as a reference.

My second apology is for cars in general. The inventor of the car, Henry Ford, was a man. Cars kill lots of people. They’re almost as deadly as asbestos. Asbestos is weird. It’s one of those things I know exists, but have no idea what it is. That’s what you get for watching The Price is Right. All you hear about are dog balls and mesothelioma. Men and cars are a deadly mix. I’m not a fan of men who love their cars. Those men rarely love others or even themselves. They need a large piece of metal to get hard. I am the complete opposite of a car fag. I’m not even quite sure how to pop the hood of my car. My car makes a loud sound not because of a muffler, but because it’s 10 years old and has 150,000 miles on it. I think there might also be a squirrel stuck underneath of it screaming for help. Or maybe it’s a Mexican. They kind of sound the same to me. It’s gibberish. So sorry for cars. And sorry if you’re Mexican. Don’t blame me for that. That’s between you and your maker.

Frat boys suck. That’s why I’m apologizing for them. They used to be white jerk-offs who play football and now they’re white jerk-offs who play football and wear their hats sideways. I wore a hat sideways once. It was because I had it on backwards and was punched for doing so. I was punched so hard the hat spun 90 degrees. The person doing the punching, myself. I don’t think I’ve ever spoken to a frat boy. What could I say to a man who likes to give other men piggy back rides? Giddy-up? And take note, when I say frat boys, I mean every male under 30 who owns a shirt that says “Tap-Out” or has ever gone out in public in a plain white t-shirt. Why would a company call itself Tap-Out? That’s what you do when you lose. Oddly enough, anyone who wears those shirts has already lost at life.

(A loser from two different angles)

When guys get together they think they’re on the radio. That’s why I want to say I’m sorry for laughing at everything our friends say. Really, the intentions are good. We’re trying to let our shitty friends think they’re funny. We also want them to give us the same courtesy. All guys do is laugh at each other. They name a sexual act then laugh.  We’re full of testosterone. You ladies have it easy. You have something called estrogen. That sounds like a Gatorade ingredient. Testosterone is such a strong word itself. Test is in the name. Nobody likes tests. The only way to get testosterone out is to break something or laugh at a friend quoting Family Guy. I’m aware how annoying this can be, but like Mexicans, I did not choose to be a man. Sorry if this gets on your nerves. But even you have to admit it’s better than us slapping you every time you speak, which is what we all want to do.

(Chris Brown isn’t abusive, he’s honest. Like how he’s a gigantic Colorado Rockies fan…doubt it)

Finally, I want to apologize for being so incredibly dominant in the history of the world. Women still in most parts of the world do not have equal rights. You First World Women have no idea how great you have it. There are parts on this planet that you’re not even allowed to have a clitoris. I know! They cut it off like it’s a price tag and they don’t want the person they’re giving you to knowing how cheap you are. Can’t they just put some black Sharpie over top of it to cover the price? Even in America women have only been able to vote for under 100 years. It took a couple of mean and angry lesbians to get you the vote. Even black guys had the vote before you. A race of people who were taken from their homes on another continent, chained and forced to work in fields, then killed when they grew too old and weak. Men have more respect for each other than they do for you. I’m deeply sorry for that. You women are wonderful. We need to show more respect for the ladies. They provide us with babies and new episodes of Whitney.

Since I was the bigger man and apologized for things on behalf of billions of people, I think it’s women’s turn to apologize. What do you need to apologize for exactly? The first should be your stories. I mean, really? You thought that would be interesting? Another thing is making eye contact and then not having sex with us. Talk about mixed signals! Girls need to say they’re sorry for being so manipulative, pretending to be weak, and for having no souls. You don’t have to apologize for always being late. I find it cute when I tell you to meet me somewhere at 8 and you show up at 9:15 with a lame excuse.

Comments
  1. Lily says:

    Okay are you just trying to get more comments from girls say how great you are? I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING. Sometimes, women deserve to be punched. I hate when guys are like, “I would never punch a girl.” Why? Women are annoying most of the time.
    I like Family Guy quotes and laughing at everything. But yeah if someone texted me a picture of their penis, I would be terrified.

    • mooselicker says:

      You’re too smart for your own good sometimes. It’s easier to be nice to women then it is to be mean. It’s my instinct and the nicer you are to women the less they come around you. The less they come around you, the less nagging you have to listen to.

      Keep in mind I also didn’t really praise women here as much as I trashed men who I am jealous of for being douches and having better than or equal to lives as mine. But hey, if ladies want to praise me then go ahead.

  2. mindwarpfx says:

    Texting a picture of weiners to people, then they in turn, are texting to others is then just an attempt at getting around. Besides if someone phone is in there pocket on vibrate, and someone else is texting a picture of someones weiner ( No one ever admits to… Ya that mine!) doesn’t that count as a free dry hump? The person who thought of that should apoligize. Oh there goes my phone. WTF! how did you get my number?
    Funny stuff you have there.. Not your texting but your post.
    All the best.

  3. Very provocative stuff, here. Here’s my quick breakdown…
    Males are more guarded, more one dimensional, often arrogant, and fear emotional intimacy. These things can be refreshing (sometimes frustrating) to females because there’s no work involved. With guys, what you see is what you get.

    Females, on the other hand, are way deep, like scary deep. My husband is always amazed when I meet someone and in the first 30 minutes know the most intimate details about their life. Females are open to a fault. We’re talkers and we bond with lots of verbal contact. This scares most guys.

    The most information my husband might get from another male in 30 minutes is gonna be about a football or basketball game, the weather, or…. well, that’s actually all.

  4. Well, we could get along just fine, because I have a serious problem with being on time…

  5. Pete Howorth says:

    I just sent you a dick picture wrapped in a Tap-Out t-shirt. I’m the ultimate male.

  6. […] Apologies « mooselicker ← 3 Comments – Nutty News Today | Nutty News | Strange News […]

  7. renxkyoko says:

    A weiner in text message is so much better than a big poop in the toilet bowl. yeah, someone sent me one like that.

  8. I think I missed the boat for the wiener texts. I’m not saying I’m sad about it, more that I’m a teensy bit old.

  9. Cafe23 says:

    Haha I love how the only people who Liked this post were girls, you sweet talker, you =P

    I ain’t apologizing for this perfection hehehe … just kidding. No, I’m still not apologizing.

  10. robpixaday says:

    LMHO!!!!!!

    Can’t type my apology bec I’m laughing too hard. And nodding. And laughing.

    Well, OK; here’s one: I’m sorry about that eye-contact thing. It’s true. A little eyes-meeting-eyes play is more than enough to send big mixed signals. My eyes have always been powerful weapons. Had to stop looking at men’s faces for fear of inciting “reactions.”
    And I’m sorry about the flimsy handshakes woman give. EWW! Even I don’t like shaking hands with other women. Most are like warm bags of chicken bones. If we’re going to shake hands then we should do it with a real hand and not some half-a**ed doppelganger hand.

    this is a wonderful post.
    ::walks home laughing::

    • mooselicker says:

      Thank you for leaving your home to read!

      The whole thing about eye contact, I hate when they don’t make it obvious that it’s eye contact too. I’ll smile then feel like a douche for smiling at nothing. It’s hard work. Are you looking at me to try to make eye contact or are you looking at me because I have a skeleton on my shirt? Tell me!

      Shaking hands with women, definitely strange. I never know whose hand should be shaked and who should be half hugged. I should just bite everyone on the neck. Level the playing field.

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