Worst Case Scenarios

Posted: January 31, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I’m a very nervous person. You’d never know it if you saw me. I’m actually a descendant of the guy from the film West Side Story known as Ice. You know, the guy that sings that song that goes “Let’s play cool” as in a reference of his nickname Ice which is cool. Cool as ice. See? Now you understand Vanilla Ice. He’s a cool white guy. Rap suddenly makes 1% sense.

(My great-uncle Rodney T. Winterbottom VII, the man who got me into musical theater)

When I get nervous, I think up worst case scenarios. They never come true. Not even close, ever. It’s silly really. I avoid doing things for fear that the worst possible thing might happen. Today’s post is more for therapeutic purposes. For me to work out the worst case scenarios in certain situations that I might not feel at ease with. Maybe it’ll help your problems too. And if it doesn’t, I don’t care.

Nervous Moment #1: Asking someone out

I still get nervous asking someone out. I think a lot of us do. We think that we’ll be rejected. We came into this world rejects. Our moms wanted so little to do with us that they were willing to cause great pain to themselves to get rid of us out of their bodies. Now we’re left thinking everyone is out to hurt us.

I remember the first time I asked a girl for her phone number. It was scary. I had seen a friend of mine do it once before. His confidence amazed me. Especially because he was such a stupid guy. But maybe his stupidity helped him. He wasn’t able to think up a worst case scenario of facing rejection. He also likes the band Nickelback. I mean, really likes them. See the kinds of people I’m dealing with? Once you admit you like Nickelback you can admit you’re a kid toucher and people suddenly think a little bit better of you.

(Raise your hand if you have bad taste in music)

The worst case scenario that can happen being rejected by someone whom you are asking out is that they say no. That’s actually not true. I think having a girl say to me “Sorry, I already have a boyfriend” is much worse. At least saying no is definite. It means that things will never change. It’s permanent. It’s death to my heart. Saying that she already has a boyfriend is like her saying if I was to kill her boyfriend, like say he falls off a bridge suspiciously, I might have a shot. But then I’d have to murder someone to get with her. That makes me more nervous. I think in my head that if I ask a girl out and she says no that I can’t go anywhere else in that town ever again. It’s so ridiculous that I believe I should be committed for thinking this way. It’s her loss, right? That’s what people who aren’t good enough tell themselves. I saw a guy on the street one time, well-dressed and well-groomed go right up to a woman and say “What are you doing Friday night?” She looked at him strange and said she was busy. He moved on. That’s the answer to all of our problems. Move on.

Nervous Moment #2: Pooping in a public restroom

I know, so amateur of me to write about. But it’s something that I am very touchy about. It’s a sensitive subject. I only do it when I really have to. Or if I think of a really good prank to pull.

Why am I nervous about it? Everybody poops! Well, you see, in my head I have this scenario. I go into the bathroom and do my business. The smell is terrible. Ungodly. It’s loud. It’s like a high school marching band but better. Someone enters and sees my feet. I exit and go out to wherever it is I am and they recognize my shoes. They look at me and think “That’s the guy who shits.” He’ll say it loudly and point. Possibly imitate the sounds of my colon. The rest of the citizens around him will join in. Pointing and laughing. Sticking their tongues out to make fun. I’ll never be able to show my face in public ever again just because I had to get something high fiber for lunch.

That would never happen. Nobody cares enough to make fun of me. I only think that might happen because that’s exactly what I think in my head when I see someone else shit. I’m a very observant person. I might not look at a woman’s shoes most of the time, but I notice a man’s shoes when they’re poking out from underneath a stall. Don’t wear gold boots. They’re a death sentence for shitters. I can spot them for far away. The real worst case scenario with public shitting is that you might clog a toilet and have to ask for assistance. Or you find a human head in the toilet. Much more likely than having a bully make fart noises in the mall food court at you.

(“McFly took a big shit. Let’s get him Ryan from The OC.”)

Nervous Moment #3: Sharing

Sharing can be a difficult thing for males. We’re told that we’re not allowed to cry. We’re not allowed to show weakness. We’re not allowed to wear a dress. I blame the media, mostly. They’re easy to blame. The media is faceless and nameless. There are also a lot of Jewish people working in the media and they’ve been blamed for so much already that it rolls right off their backs.

I try to share as many of my thoughts as I can. Certain ones can only be shared with certain people. Certain thoughts need to be bottled up and tossed into the ocean. There are much stranger things floating around in my head than I am ever willing to share out loud. I get nervous with sharing because like my two previous nervous moments, they involve rejection and being made fun of. If I have an idea that isn’t any good then someone will say “That sucks!” then someone else will yell out “Stupid!” These things actually do happen. Nobody likes a bad idea. Especially when it invades their creativity.

(Not the best idea that people have ever had)

The problem with sharing something personal is that it can totally creep a person out. We have no real line to draw with what is okay to share and what isn’t. We’re told to not bottle anything up which is absolute horse-hockey (grandmother for fucking bullshit). There are certain things you should never share. Worst case scenario for that? You get thrown in prison, you lose all your friends, no one respects you, it’s endless. So sharing still makes me nervous because those worst case scenarios are real. Bottle it up kiddos. Nobody needs to know everything about you.

Overall when speaking of worst case scenarios it comes down to this. The worst case scenario for most of us is death. You say something stupid then you die. That’s the worst thing that can possibly happen for most of us. Not for me. I think the worst case scenario is saying something stupid and not dying. Having to live with everyone knowing I uttered out stupid rhetoric. Embarrassment hurts much more than death. At least with death I won’t care anymore. Do dead bodies blush?

Comments
  1. Lily says:

    Rap suddenly makes 1% sense. Haha. I understand the pooping thing. Before we got married, Paul was under the impression that I didn’t poop. Pooping in someone else’s house or in public terrifies me. Asking girls out doesn’t seem so bad, but I guess there are some mean girls out there.
    You just have to share stuff with the right, nonjudgmental person. Everyone has stuff. No ones is worse than someone else’s. Well, maybe. I don’t know.

    • I despise public pooping, too. I can’t and won’t. I once drove from Northern New Mexico to Austin, Texas just because I needed to poop at home.

      When something bad could happen, I say the most absurd thing I could be afraid of happening, because I figure I’m not psychic. There’s no way I could predict and call shot for shot the most horrible thing, so I am therefore preventing it from happening. It’s quite effective, really.

      • mooselicker says:

        I don’t know Southwestern American geography too well but I do know that you must have been turtling for a good long while.

        Your plan seems the opposite of “The Secret.” Very pessimistic of you. I will give it a go.

    • mooselicker says:

      You started off so knowledgeable and helpful then took a major nose dive at the end. There’s nothing that really scares me per se. I’m not so much a coward as I am extremely timid. I’m too into wanting to be liked as much as I may seem like I don’t care.

  2. So sorry for off topic Tim.

    Would you like to do weekly SD reviews for a couple of months while our SD writer is out?

  3. P.S…there not really reviews. Just like Joe’s ”RAW Opinion” where you give your opinion on what happened really, like it’s not a full report.

    • mooselicker says:

      Thanks for the offer Ray, but I don’t know if I’d have the time to do it. I haven’t even been keeping up with WWE in general. I know, I should be banished. One second Daniel Bryan is the underdog champ and now he’s a major heel? What have I been doing these last 3 weeks?

      But yeah, I really don’t think with my current schedule I’d be able to write something up. I’m mostly reading spoilers now to get my information on what happened.

  4. Cafe23 says:

    LOL! The pics/captions are sooo good hahaha!
    So do you get nervous before you post something? Or do you only share things that are not personal so you don’t have to go think about potentially saying something stupid and not dying?

    • mooselicker says:

      I never really get nervous about stuff I post here. There have been times where I wrote something up and thought “Meh, people don’t need to know that about me.” I try to steer clear of anything involving something personal about people I know I guess.

      Plus people I’m related to read this. I don’t need them knowing some of my sexual habits.

      • Cafe23 says:

        Hahaha, true.
        Yeah, same here. Sometimes you gotta put up some parameters, although I think some people want their entire life story to be heard, which is totally fine if that’s what they want to do. But I’m just not okay sharing things about people in my life who don’t even know they’re being talked about or who I know wouldn’t like being talked about.

      • mooselicker says:

        Agreed. But most of what I “hide” are things that would turn into putting myself down too much. Things that have made me cry in the past. Or things about me that are too gross. There really isn’t much at all. Maybe I’ll kill a bunch of people one day and then a tell-all book will be more in demand. Then everyone can learn my deep not-so-dark secrets.

  5. I totally agree, death is not so bad compared to be deeply hurt and having to walk around feeling like you are unlovable, defective, not good enough, etc. for the rest of your life. Ouch!

    Don’t EVER be afraid to ask a girl out. You just have to re-frame it for yourself if they say, “No”. It wasn’t meant to be. I like to think “There’s a lid for every pot.” You’ll find your lid or pot when you’re suppose to. I also like, “God’s trains run on time.” Everything will work out as it’s suppose to.

    Lastly, sorry to be so wordy… I would tell you that girls don’t poop but you have sisters so you know better.

  6. brennagrimes says:

    Yea I’m a “worst case scenario” person too. Just in a different way…like if I’m in a convenient store, I’m always like ok, one of these people is going to try to rob me, which one is it going to be & what am I going to do about it? OR If I get sick or have some sort of weird pain I automatically think I have cancer &/or a tumor.

    Yea that’s me, always paranoid as hell & having sweaty palms. TERRIFIC.

    • mooselicker says:

      Hey, I do that too sometimes. I had a little bit of blood in my snot the other day and of course that means brain tumor. The fact that it was really dry and I had blown my nose very hard had nothing to do with it.

      At least whenever we do get cancer we can say “Told ya so” to everyone who made fun of us for being so paranoid.

  7. I am not a shy plopper myself. I hear all these stories of blokes holding on for the entire day because they hate using a toilet other than their own one.

    The mind boggles. I just drop me keks and go.

    • mooselicker says:

      I’m much better about it now. I think I hate hearing voices while my anus opens up. It’s kind of like how I hate driving past a graveyard without holding my breath. I’m afraid a ghost, or in this case a voice, will crawl up my butt.

  8. “No one can hurt you without your permission.” Eleanor Roosevelt said this and she was no looker, I’m just saying.

    The idea is to love yourself, think highly of yourself, and really believe it, so that the “Please reject me, I know you’re going to,” door never gets opened.

    And obviously you don’t want to open that door when your pooping. Obviously.

    • mooselicker says:

      Haha wise words. I think I get too in my own head. I think of how things will turn out and when they don’t go that way I get flustered. I’ll spend too much time thinking “I should do that” then think of what the response will be and when it goes a different way I run out of ideas.

      At least I’ve hung around Improv Class Students before. They’re the best at getting out of or into any situation. And at least I didn’t pay $500 to learn it like they did.

  9. I hate public pooping. I stayed in a horrific hotel in England a few years back, and the toilets were so crumby, I didn’t shit all weekend. I guess it’s not public but out of your own territory type of thing.

  10. Pete Howorth says:

    Your great uncle looks cooler than my great uncle which my middle name derives from: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenneth_Howorth

    The only time I won’t poo in public toilets is when I’m at music festivals but in like proper toilets and whatnot I love it and make as much noise as possible because you know everyone else is too embarrassed to say anything 😀

    • mooselicker says:

      Your uncle is pretty cool at least in some circles.

      Farting is different for me. I feel less exposed. I’ll do it all the time. I’ve gone into video game stores and done it at the front of the line then left. I guess that’s sort of how you feel about pooping. I’m not at that level yet.

  11. BuddhaKat says:

    I think you should write about worst case scenarios… you know make it loooong and baaaad… I especially like the ones about a voice goin’ up your butt or holding your breath near a cemetery… I mean if you write about something like that then people will go, oh that must have been awful, and you can be all cool like nah, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be… just sayin… I lol’d when I read about voices up your butt, dude…
    🙂

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