Posted: February 4, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

There’s a virus going around the world. A terrible epidemic. It’s the phrase “Money doesn’t buy happiness.” It has existed for some time now. Someone who was independently wealthy came up with it. Or more likely someone who was regularly wealthy trying to get the poor to stop harassing him. I’m not sure. What I do know is that there’s a lot of bullshit around that quote.

Sure, money doesn’t buy happiness. Millionaires kill themselves all the time. They use expensive guns or ropes made out of one of a kind products. Us Average Joes have to kill ourselves with belts. We die in our underwear. That’s not fair. What money does do is give you a better chance at happiness. You are able to do more. You can discover who you are and what you stand for much easier.

Think about your own life for a second. Oh, you already were? You’re a selfish person? Easy enough. Imagine that you didn’t have to work yet had an endless supply of money. Fantastic isn’t it? Okay, now imagine that you have to work and have an endless supply of money. Not much worse is it? Even if the job is something you kind of don’t really like, at least you’re making lots of money. I would use my penis as a door stop if it meant making lots of money. Who even uses door stops anymore? Stop being so careless. Even Kramer held onto the handle as he opened the door wildly.

(Racists always enter a room wildly and without warning)

In my life I would be happy if I didn’t have to work. There’s no doubt. If I had enough money to do whatever I wanted then things would be amazing. I can’t see any downfall. It would change who I am for the better. I’d be more confident. I wouldn’t have to be fearful that if I buy something I don’t really need that someday it will come back to bite me. I won’t have buyer’s remorse ever. I have that a lot. There’s this built-in fear inside of me that one day I’m going to have to do disgusting things for food. I don’t know what it is. Perhaps it comes from being a third generation hoarder. Some people are descendants of people who fight in the military. Others share DNA with doctors. I have the blood of people who can’t throw shit away.

(“It’s not hoarding, it’s to keep my children alive.” – an excuse a hoarder might come up with for having 9 versions of Monopoly)

Someday I hope to have enough money where I can be happy and not have to worry. I’m willing to put the work in. A common goal among us all is to have a job we love and can make enough money at–to what?–be happy! That’s the key. Happiness. Everything we do should be to achieve that endgame. Bliss. Money helps to achieve bliss. We don’t have to do things that cause us misery. I don’t even need millions of dollars to make me happy. What I want more than anything is time and the ability to do everything it is I want to do. Is that too much to ask for? Yes. Yes it’s way too much.

Another terrible thing that people say but never believe is “The best things in life are free.” I may have touched on this quote before. It’s one that makes me fume. Houses are amazing. They’re not free. Food is delectable. That’s always costing money. Air, that’s free. We can actually see air now. That’s how polluted it is. You’re not supposed to see oxygen!

(Even love isn’t free. She’s only kissing him because he has on a nice pair of pants and he’s only feeling up her ass because that expensive dress makes her look better. Plus that umbrella looks pretty damn nice especially for a black and white universe. And they (he) had to have paid for gas and possibly a toll to get to such a beautiful place. Unless they live near the water which has to be expensive and that would mean they would (he would) need to have good flood insurance)

Money. It kills. It destroys. It frustrates. Maybe I should have put them in reverse order. Oh well. Too late for that. But seriously, money is so incredibly evil and that’s our own fault. We invented too much amazing shit that costs lots of money. Remember back when all that existed were wooden chairs and violins? Things were easier. Entertainment was actually watching paint dry. People would say “How was your date?” and the response would be “It was like watching paint dry. She was amazing! I think we’ll be getting married someday.” I hate money. Why can’t Oprah have jungle fever for me? I’d be a much more pleasant person.

  1. Addie says:

    Canadian coins cannot buy money, but, Chinese coins can buy Pittsburgh. It’s pretty much the only city they don’t own here in the USofA. Well, that and Mountain Home, GA.

    I’d like to have the money to travel whenever I wanted–after I get over my self imposed exile from the world. Because of that, I have the whitest skin in the world. Without red nail polish, I’d wake up every morning, look down and my legs and scream, “WHERE IS THE REST OF M–oh, wait, there I am. Go back to sleep.”

    Yes, this comment is a full on non-sequitur.

  2. nice post big homey, i fucking hate platitudes like the ones you mentioned we should go on a rampage and set the score straight

  3. robpixaday says:


    Gimme money and I’ll show you happy.
    That’s free enterprise, right?

    It’s all about the money. The only people who believe it can’t buy happiness are the people who have too much and the people who don’t have enough. Everyone lies.

  4. I occasionally do the lottery because it could potentially make me rich. Being rich would be fantastic. In fact if I won a very large amount I may well die within the year due to various excesses I would indulge upon.

    Being able to afford proper Weetabix instead of the fake, supermarket own-brand stuff is something some of us can only dream of.

    • mooselicker says:

      See, that’s what I’m saying. Those fat cats in the capitals are buying top shelf cereal while we’re left to crawl on the ground to get the stuff at the bottom. I never do the lottery even though I always win on scratch offs.

  5. Lily says:

    Yeah, the person who said “money doesn’t buy happiness” was obviously homeless and trying to make himself feel better. Money is the key to everything. It’s hard to save, but when you do save up or something, it’s so rewarding. I’m just learning that now. Whenever I used to save any little bit of money, I would immediately spend it all.
    Someday you will have enough money to not worry. I’m pretty sure of it. You’re a smart guy, things will work out.

  6. Pete Howorth says:

    Money doesnt buy happiness is a crock. Of course it does, I’d certainly be happy in I had millions. It buys freedom from working mundane jobs. I could just lock myself away from the world and hide in secrecy!

    • mooselicker says:

      I think we all secretely want to live in secrecy. On an island where friends come by only when we want them to. That’d be the life. You almost don’t even need that much money to do it either. It’s just really hard to find an island not filled with cannibals.

  7. “I have the blood of people who can’t throw shit away.” LMFAO. I read this piece on a Saturday. Some time next Wednesday that phrase will enter my mind and I will laugh again to myself, probably weirding out the people near me, but what do I care?

    Thanks, Moose, for improving my hump day in advance. Your humor (and Pell Grants) improve people’s futures…

  8. Addie says:

    My family stores their money in freezers. That way, you always have it on hand. You thought I was going to say you always have cold cash, didn’t you? AHA! Fooled you.

  9. Emily He says:

    Speaking of hoarder, my downstairs neighbor is a legit hoarder. Her apartment is filled to the rim with stacks of newspapers, magazines, paper, paper bags, junk (but recyclable? and flammable!). It’s scary. Maybe she thinks that’ll all be worth something one day. Maybe she thinks it will buy her happiness in the end which is why she is such a wretched old bitch now because she hasn’t achieved her dreams of moving to a house big enough to store all her junk. I have a strong distaste for her. But a pleasant appetite for $$$ and happiness!

    • mooselicker says:

      It seems like you’re hoarder some negative feelings toward her LOL!!!! I kid…she sounds like a real bitch.

      I’m glad that hoarders is on the air because my family was never as bad as any of them. At least my mom always kept stuff in boxes for the most part. Stacks of boxes aren’t nearly as gross as stacks of random tetris shaped objects. A box looks like it belongs.

  10. Lily tried to help me get rid of stuff (old books) while she was home recently. I came up with a reason for keeping almost everything, and I’m not even sentimental.

    When I was a kid my grandmother, who lived through the depression, use to scare me about not having anything. So now, everything, including a book on patios and Blueberries for Sal (random) takes on tremendous value. I envision myself burning them to keep warm in case my utilities get turned off. haha!

    The best things in life are SOOOOO not free! hahaha!

    • Addie says:

      Another reason to admire and like you. My worry is no canned goods. It’s best we not discuss canned goods–I think I can put a LDS pantry to shame. Which IS a shame.

    • mooselicker says:

      At least her doing that shows that she should never inherit those books. She won’t hesitate to burn them. Not even for warmth either but rather for the thrill of seeing something burn.

      My grandmother is the same way. She was born in 1927? or so which meant she was a young lady when the Depression was around. She’s always been a hoarder. Especially with good Christmas gifts. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten one from her. Banana bread, really? Thanks g’ma.

  11. I find that when I do have money in the bank, I worry a lot. A LOT. That it will go away, like it always does. Then when I’m just on the verge of being broke but won’t get kicked out of my house, I seem to be just fine, not worrying about a dime.

    Probably because I know I can’t buy anything, so what’s the point of worrying about it?

    • mooselicker says:

      Because it’s in our nature to worry? Things would be easier but less fun if we knew what our futures held. You should put your kids to work as soon as you can. Chimney sweeping isn’t nearly as dangerous as it used to be. They could ease some of your worries.

      • Addie says:

        I agree. Bud was tall and thin by 14 or so? We just greased him up, and ran him up and down chimneys. Made a tidy amount.

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