There’s a virus going around the world. A terrible epidemic. It’s the phrase “Money doesn’t buy happiness.” It has existed for some time now. Someone who was independently wealthy came up with it. Or more likely someone who was regularly wealthy trying to get the poor to stop harassing him. I’m not sure. What I do know is that there’s a lot of bullshit around that quote.
Sure, money doesn’t buy happiness. Millionaires kill themselves all the time. They use expensive guns or ropes made out of one of a kind products. Us Average Joes have to kill ourselves with belts. We die in our underwear. That’s not fair. What money does do is give you a better chance at happiness. You are able to do more. You can discover who you are and what you stand for much easier.
Think about your own life for a second. Oh, you already were? You’re a selfish person? Easy enough. Imagine that you didn’t have to work yet had an endless supply of money. Fantastic isn’t it? Okay, now imagine that you have to work and have an endless supply of money. Not much worse is it? Even if the job is something you kind of don’t really like, at least you’re making lots of money. I would use my penis as a door stop if it meant making lots of money. Who even uses door stops anymore? Stop being so careless. Even Kramer held onto the handle as he opened the door wildly.
(Racists always enter a room wildly and without warning)
In my life I would be happy if I didn’t have to work. There’s no doubt. If I had enough money to do whatever I wanted then things would be amazing. I can’t see any downfall. It would change who I am for the better. I’d be more confident. I wouldn’t have to be fearful that if I buy something I don’t really need that someday it will come back to bite me. I won’t have buyer’s remorse ever. I have that a lot. There’s this built-in fear inside of me that one day I’m going to have to do disgusting things for food. I don’t know what it is. Perhaps it comes from being a third generation hoarder. Some people are descendants of people who fight in the military. Others share DNA with doctors. I have the blood of people who can’t throw shit away.
(“It’s not hoarding, it’s to keep my children alive.” – an excuse a hoarder might come up with for having 9 versions of Monopoly)
Someday I hope to have enough money where I can be happy and not have to worry. I’m willing to put the work in. A common goal among us all is to have a job we love and can make enough money at–to what?–be happy! That’s the key. Happiness. Everything we do should be to achieve that endgame. Bliss. Money helps to achieve bliss. We don’t have to do things that cause us misery. I don’t even need millions of dollars to make me happy. What I want more than anything is time and the ability to do everything it is I want to do. Is that too much to ask for? Yes. Yes it’s way too much.
Another terrible thing that people say but never believe is “The best things in life are free.” I may have touched on this quote before. It’s one that makes me fume. Houses are amazing. They’re not free. Food is delectable. That’s always costing money. Air, that’s free. We can actually see air now. That’s how polluted it is. You’re not supposed to see oxygen!
(Even love isn’t free. She’s only kissing him because he has on a nice pair of pants and he’s only feeling up her ass because that expensive dress makes her look better. Plus that umbrella looks pretty damn nice especially for a black and white universe. And they (he) had to have paid for gas and possibly a toll to get to such a beautiful place. Unless they live near the water which has to be expensive and that would mean they would (he would) need to have good flood insurance)
Money. It kills. It destroys. It frustrates. Maybe I should have put them in reverse order. Oh well. Too late for that. But seriously, money is so incredibly evil and that’s our own fault. We invented too much amazing shit that costs lots of money. Remember back when all that existed were wooden chairs and violins? Things were easier. Entertainment was actually watching paint dry. People would say “How was your date?” and the response would be “It was like watching paint dry. She was amazing! I think we’ll be getting married someday.” I hate money. Why can’t Oprah have jungle fever for me? I’d be a much more pleasant person.