Red Noses

Posted: February 5, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

The scariest thing that can ever happen to a child is to be witness to their parents being brutally murdered in front of them. To be soaked in the blood of the adults who are meant to raise them. The tears that flow from the eyes of the children as the confusion sets in that they will forever be alone. It’s the most terrible thing that can ever happen. The second most terrible thing that could ever happen is having a clown for your birthday.

I never had a clown come over for my birthday. Good. I probably wouldn’t enjoy clowns now as much as I do. Clowns are something I am actually a big fan of. I’m not exactly sure why. I’ve had this fascination with them ever since I can remember. I can’t remember back too far. Probably because a clown did something terrible to me that I now have to block out.

Clowns, by their very definition, are adult males who like dressing as women but hate women’s underwear. That’s how I see it at least. If I ever put out a dictionary, that’s what it will say. I’m the only person I have ever met that is not completely phobic of clowns. It’s a very common fear. Where do I think it comes from? I think it comes from being sane. How could anyone possibly like a clown? They’ve got big red noses, baggy pants, white makeup on. They look everything but human. Unless you count drunk Lindsay Lohan as human. Then that would be a fair comparison.

(Lindsay Lohan is a tramp. And by that I mean a sad clown, not a drug addicted whore)

What would ever draw a man to be a clown? They have such a bad reputation. It’s like someone getting into the radio industry. I have to ask why. It’s a dying medium. Clowns could never work on the radio. They’d work better than a mime, the retarded cousin of the clown, but would not be able to execute anything worthwhile. A clown can do about three things. They can juggle. They can make a balloon animal. They can make a child piss his pants. They also carry around these flowers that squirt water. What douche bags! I guess at this point in history if you’re smelling the flower on the breast of a man in makeup, you deserve whatever it is that shoots out into your eyes.

For a brief time I thought about going to Clown Camp. And by thought about I mean I was at some event at a hotel where they had a bunch of tables promoting different summer camps. The clowns seemed like fun. They run around and squirt water on people. Instead I went to baseball camp. Guess which one I have a better chance at being now, a baseball player or a clown? If you said baseball player then you haven’t seen me field a ground ball.

(My father, Tanner Boyle. He taught me how to play baseball and how to resemble a young member of the Planet of the Apes)

I think clowns though are making a bit of a comeback. Think of every hot chick you ever see online. They always have clown like qualities. They’ll have colorful hair, lots of makeup, pictures of them smiling, pictures of them frowning, and even sometimes you’ll see a hot girl riding a unicycle. Here’s a tip ladies. If you learn to ride a unicycle, you can get any guy you want. The same goes for wearing suspenders. There’s something about admitting how crazy you are that turns us on. The conclusion you can take from this paragraph is that clowns are sexy. Look past the days of “It.” Tim Curry is scary in everything he does. He was a transsexual in the Rocky Horror Picture Show and the mean hotel manager in Home Alone 2. The man is a creep. Don’t let that ruin your opinion of clowns.

(You’ll never eat a Thin Mint ever again without thinking of this)

Now that I’m older I never see clowns. The only time you ever can anymore is at a child’s birthday party. Of course it’s the child of parents who don’t love them. If you have a kid and you’re thinking about getting a clown you probably shouldn’t. Get a cowboy instead. I say that like cowboys are any less gay than clowns. Or get Santa Clause to show up. I don’t care if his birthday is in April, kids love Santa Clause. The only thing he has in common with clowns is the red nose. Santa never hurt anyone who didn’t deserve it. Trust me, there are plenty of people who he has hurt who did deserve it.

  1. I thought this was going to be about alcoholics, but you pulled a fast one and made it about clowns. Well done. haha!

    Suffice it to say that clowns are scary and everyone hates them. So why McDonald’s ever decided to go with a clown for their mascot (what would you call it?) is beyond me? He’s not even remotely funny, right?

    • mooselicker says:

      His statues are the worst. He sits with his legs crossed and his arm out. I used to wave at the picture of Ronald when I would go to his fine restaurant. Little did I know while I was waving he was probably wondering if I’d be better to be made into a hamburger or a chicken nugget. Because we all know that’s what McDonalds food is, children.

  2. Lily says:

    In England they have something called “red nose day” where you can purchase clown noses for charity. It’s so creeps.
    For some bizarre reason, I love Tim Curry even though I’ve heard he’s a jerk in real life. I don’t know why, but every time I see him, I’m attracted to him. The clown in It, the devil guy in Legend, the tranny in RHPS, and the creepy guy in Annie. Those are characters no one should be attracted to.

    • Lily says:

      Ps. There’s an MTV True Life called “my parents are clowns”. It’s the best.

    • Ha, Comic Relief! As a kid I loved it because we could go to school dressed up as what we wanted. Then it was a whole evening of TV dedicated to funny stuff.

      Now I hate it because, well, Lenny Henry hasn’t been funny since about 1989. I don’t know how that man still gets work.

    • mooselicker says:

      I was excited there for a second when you said “I love Tim…” then I didn’t see my last name and stopped paying attention.

      You seem to have a lot of strange attractions. I think you enjoy staring at unique looking people. Men with battle scars and the like. I’m attracted to most females but the ones that always stand out are the unique ones.

      • Lily says:

        Hahaha of course I have love for ALL of the Tims in my life. Yeah, unique faces are always good. I don’t know, there’s just something about him. I like that you’re attracted to most females. Haha at least we’re not picky.

  3. Addie says:

    Tim Curry is the only clown I’ve ever found hot– could be I sat ‘It’ while doped up in a hospital after an operation. I’d like to think is was real love, though.

    • mooselicker says:

      I can’t imagine if you were in the film It. That would be much more different. You’d run and kiss him. Maybe he wouldn’t have been so evil then. He was probably just lonely and all. Those kids in the film were dicks to him. Never gave him a chance to explain himself.

  4. The Hook says:

    Your first paragraph was killer! So to speak…

  5. Tim Curry scares me actually. If you look him up on Wikipedia he looks dead.

    If he turned up at my door on a unicycle I would cry.

  6. My friend got a calling card from a clown once. While out and about at a bar, this dude handed her his card saying he could be hired for the night to “spice up” any adult party. So basically he was saying he could get chicks to bang you or each other. Either way, it sounded WAY to scary for me. If you’re going to dress like a clown, how does one go down that path, when the only other option is hanging with kids?

    • mooselicker says:

      Good point. It’s like being a kindergarten teacher but not really making a difference or getting respect. I forget the movie but the guy from Clerks, Bryan O’Hallaron?, was a clown and he ends up getting raped by some guys and has to seek revenge. It was okay. Strange to see Dante from Clerks in anything else.

  7. Pete Howorth says:

    I despise clowns, anyone that dresses up as a clown needs to be shot, anyone that even thinks about becoming a clown needs to be shot. I’m feeling the urge to shoot myself with a potato gun just for talking about clowns.

  8. Addie says:

    Pete– water+laughing=out nose.

  9. I got up this morning read your post, started to laugh, looked in the mirror, and said, “Crap.” No wonder my wife always calls me a clown. The extra martini gave me the red nose, but what’s with the hair. Am I out of conditioner? As I put on my size eighteen shoes, I thought, “Hmmmm, well at least I know why my wife hasn’t thrown me out.”

    • mooselicker says:

      You certainly have the personality of a clown. At least in the way clowns should behave. I can’t imagine you hacking a child up in a basement with a knife.

      Embrace your clown-ness. Your wife clearly has a “thing” for them.

  10. Cafe23 says:

    i HATE clowns *shudder* … I remember Ronald McDonald totally used to freak me out. I had to quickly scroll down your post to block out that clown picture you posted. Very distressing 😦

  11. robpixaday says:

    “Give clowns a chance.” – John Lennon
    “If you learn to ride a unicycle, you can get any guy you want.”

    This is a riot.
    I’ve never understood why people hate clowns so much. They had sub-compact cars and drank bottled water long before anyone else did.
    Female clowns that aren’t supermodels are a little creepy, though.
    Tim Curry… ::shivers::

    Out of curiosity I looked up “clown” and found the most conflicted etymology I’ve seen in months:

    ::applause:: and two claxon-beeps

    • Mooselicker says:

      I once was at a bar where a girl wore suspenders. She was the most coveted. All a girl has to do is be a little crazy but in a good way to get a guy. Unicycles are the perfect skill to learn.

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