The scariest thing that can ever happen to a child is to be witness to their parents being brutally murdered in front of them. To be soaked in the blood of the adults who are meant to raise them. The tears that flow from the eyes of the children as the confusion sets in that they will forever be alone. It’s the most terrible thing that can ever happen. The second most terrible thing that could ever happen is having a clown for your birthday.
I never had a clown come over for my birthday. Good. I probably wouldn’t enjoy clowns now as much as I do. Clowns are something I am actually a big fan of. I’m not exactly sure why. I’ve had this fascination with them ever since I can remember. I can’t remember back too far. Probably because a clown did something terrible to me that I now have to block out.
Clowns, by their very definition, are adult males who like dressing as women but hate women’s underwear. That’s how I see it at least. If I ever put out a dictionary, that’s what it will say. I’m the only person I have ever met that is not completely phobic of clowns. It’s a very common fear. Where do I think it comes from? I think it comes from being sane. How could anyone possibly like a clown? They’ve got big red noses, baggy pants, white makeup on. They look everything but human. Unless you count drunk Lindsay Lohan as human. Then that would be a fair comparison.
(Lindsay Lohan is a tramp. And by that I mean a sad clown, not a drug addicted whore)
What would ever draw a man to be a clown? They have such a bad reputation. It’s like someone getting into the radio industry. I have to ask why. It’s a dying medium. Clowns could never work on the radio. They’d work better than a mime, the retarded cousin of the clown, but would not be able to execute anything worthwhile. A clown can do about three things. They can juggle. They can make a balloon animal. They can make a child piss his pants. They also carry around these flowers that squirt water. What douche bags! I guess at this point in history if you’re smelling the flower on the breast of a man in makeup, you deserve whatever it is that shoots out into your eyes.
For a brief time I thought about going to Clown Camp. And by thought about I mean I was at some event at a hotel where they had a bunch of tables promoting different summer camps. The clowns seemed like fun. They run around and squirt water on people. Instead I went to baseball camp. Guess which one I have a better chance at being now, a baseball player or a clown? If you said baseball player then you haven’t seen me field a ground ball.
(My father, Tanner Boyle. He taught me how to play baseball and how to resemble a young member of the Planet of the Apes)
I think clowns though are making a bit of a comeback. Think of every hot chick you ever see online. They always have clown like qualities. They’ll have colorful hair, lots of makeup, pictures of them smiling, pictures of them frowning, and even sometimes you’ll see a hot girl riding a unicycle. Here’s a tip ladies. If you learn to ride a unicycle, you can get any guy you want. The same goes for wearing suspenders. There’s something about admitting how crazy you are that turns us on. The conclusion you can take from this paragraph is that clowns are sexy. Look past the days of “It.” Tim Curry is scary in everything he does. He was a transsexual in the Rocky Horror Picture Show and the mean hotel manager in Home Alone 2. The man is a creep. Don’t let that ruin your opinion of clowns.
(You’ll never eat a Thin Mint ever again without thinking of this)
Now that I’m older I never see clowns. The only time you ever can anymore is at a child’s birthday party. Of course it’s the child of parents who don’t love them. If you have a kid and you’re thinking about getting a clown you probably shouldn’t. Get a cowboy instead. I say that like cowboys are any less gay than clowns. Or get Santa Clause to show up. I don’t care if his birthday is in April, kids love Santa Clause. The only thing he has in common with clowns is the red nose. Santa never hurt anyone who didn’t deserve it. Trust me, there are plenty of people who he has hurt who did deserve it.