Posted: February 6, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I’ve written this story out a few times already. At least the incredibly tragic “kicker” of it all. I would like to first focus more on matchmakers in general. We know what they are. They’re people playing Cupid. They try to set their friends up with each other and it usually ends poorly. That’s what matchmaking really is. It makes your friends hate you.

I am by no means an expert at matchmaking. I would go with the old “he’s fat, she’s fat, they should date” logic. I think I had someone try that on me once. I’ve only ever had one friend that has ever been kind enough to try setting me up with anyone. It always ended badly. Actually, that’s not true at all. Things that end badly end similarly to a plane crash. My experiences were more like the plane was delayed and I decided that I didn’t need to fly to Detroit after all. What would I do in Detroit? Look at a house fire?

(These three guys are all black, around the same height and even like the same clothing. They’d be perfect for a threesome!)

The first person my friend tried setting me up with was a Spanish girl who had a big large buff boyfriend. Okay, I’m not going to compete with someone who has abs and can roll his tongue. The second he tried was with his girlfriend’s best friend. She said I looked cute on Myspace. Finally, a Top 8 coming in handy! Remember the Top 8 on Myspace? Damn that caused a lot of friendships to end. We went on a double date that lasted 20 minutes or so. He kept apologizing to me for how bad it was going. We went mini-golfing and her ex-boyfriend and his girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend showed up. I knew their names because I’m good at stalking and they had no clue who I was or of my intentions to see his ex-girlfriend naked. The date ended and he told me the next day that she really liked me. I never pursued and I’m not sure why. She was too damn skinny for me. Really thin girls bother me. I liked to be able to look at a girl and see her jiggle during an earthquake. That way I know it’s not just my vertigo acting up again. The third time he tried setting me up with someone was his girlfriend’s new best friend needed a date to her prom. It was a fat chick and hey what do you know, he had a fat friend. Her Myspace name was “Bubble” because I guess she was shaped like one. I refused to go. I always wondered what happened to Bubble until she started dating someone else I was friends with. Another fat guy I knew. I guess this is an example of destiny. It’s also scientific proof that fat people attract. Or possibly settle.

(A different type of settler. Why do we call them settlers? All they do is complain and move. Settling would be changing their beliefs for the system)

I’ve always thought anyone willing to try to set someone up with another is a good person. To go out of your way to try to make sure two other people get to have sex? That’s Sainthood shit. All Saint Patrick ever did was chase some snakes away. Do you know how easy it is to scare a snake? It’s easier than scaring a goose. Roll a ball at a snake. They won’t know what to do. The greatest gift you can give someone is the gift of companionship from another. I urge you to look through your lonely, single friends. Write their names on a piece of paper. Write their faults down too. Match the men up with the women. You know a chick with big ears? Great! You know a guy with a gigantic nose. The kid will come out proportional.

My one matchmaking attempt did not go so well. I met a gay person. We’ll call him Gay Person #1. I already knew one gay person. We can call him Gay Person #2. Please, don’t let the numbers confuse you. I knew Gay Person #2 before I ever knew Gay Person #1. I didn’t always know Gay Person #2 was gay though. He was always pretty straight. Then he had a picture of himself shirtless with other men. The closet door had not only opened, it had been ripped off and covered in glitter.


(I had a picture of the Mariah Carey film Glitter here but it will not show up. Probably for the best)

Gay Person #1 was talking about how they were lonely. Maybe not. That’s what I was hoping he meant. I was sitting there thinking how much I wanted to kill myself because of how boring he was. I mean really boring. The kind of boring where you wonder how they have ever managed to get by in life due to how incredibly shitty they are. Get a hobby. Listen to others! Hearing his loneliness made me think that maybe I could be a hero. I had always wanted to set two people up together. Then they’d name their kid after me. In this case, their adopted Vietnamese baby. I suggested he speak with Gay Person #2. He said he would.

I did my best to get Gay Person #1 and Gay Person #2 to talk. I don’t think they dug each other. Gay Person #2 had been pretty depressed. His Facebook statuses were all sad song lyrics and complaining about how things were never going to get better. A real Negative Nancy. And in this case when I call him a Nancy I do mean it in the way that you call a man a Nancy because he’s queer.

I’ve always connected with sad people. I took someone else under my wing briefly because of his sad online statements. I felt so bad for the guy. Then he got too cocky and I had to get rid of him. I hung out with him only a few times. I had always when I was his age wanted someone cool like me to hang out with. He blew it by being a douche. He also smelt pretty bad. And wouldn’t shut up about his ex-girlfriend Linda. Seriously, has anyone named Linda ever fucked well? Don’t get me wrong, Linda’s are great people. But have you ever seen one do something dirty correctly?

(I’ve seen her do some dirty stuff. Is her name Linda? No, it isn’t. It’s Tara as in Taradise, the greatest show ever. It made the E! network what it is today…)

Gay Person #1 and Gay Person #2 assured me they would contact the other. They never did. About a week later Gay Person #2 killed himself. I was never all that good of friends with him, but it was still kind of a surprise. I knew it was inevitable. For months all he did was pour his heart out. It kind of bothers me that his friends never seemed to do anything to help him. He was clearly in pain and all he needed was someone to talk to. I probably could have tried harder, but I mean, that’s not my job. I have other people to look after. And I did say we weren’t even really friends didn’t I? Want that to be clear so you don’t think I’m a totally awful person.

My one attempt at making the lives of others happy failed. It did more than failed. It was a place crash that landed on top of a children’s hospital filled with poison gas. The gas was released and killed everyone in a 5 mile radius. The side effects can still be seen in the area and nobody will ever be able to live there again. I’ve made a vow ever since not to do any more matchmaking. I’m still a little paranoid that what drove him over the edge was seeing who I tried setting him up with and he thought “Really? This is the best people think I can get?” Despite never being a real friend I do hope he’s in a better place now. In his brief life he managed to have sex with at least a white girl, a black girl, and a man. He got to sample more than I have. At least until I get to have sex with a black girl. You see, that’s a gay joke there.

  1. Made the E! Network? Lets not forget Search Party.

  2. cat says:

    Matchmaking is business … friendship is pleasure … never mix business with pleasure, and you’ll be okay, M. … Love, cat.

  3. Pete Howorth says:

    My best friend got me together with his ex girlfriend and that seemed to work out well so far 🙂 I havent really match maked anyone though, I’ve gotten people back together after they split up but that’s about it. Usually if I know a girl I like to keep them for myself but I suppose I don’t need to do that anymore hah.

    • mooselicker says:

      I’m guessing he was dating her thinking “Wow her and Pete would be perfect together.” I don’t see anything wrong in that. I wish I could set more people up together. I just know way too many duds.

  4. robpixaday says:

    Saint Mooselicker. That’s got a ring to it.
    HAHHHHHHAAAA! this is a great post. Funny and poignant and instructional! I never knew that about snakes. WOW! They freak me out; good to know how to scare them.

    And the best laugh of all for me was the big ear person and the big nose person having a proportional kid. Brilliant. And I know it’s true because I know one of their kids.


  5. AgrippingLife says:

    My sister married the guy I set her up with. Here’s the trick, the two people need to be alike in their personality. My sister is sarcastic and grouchy and so was this guy. I knew they’d be perfect!

  6. I don’t really like all that setting up stuff either, it means there is a weight of expectation from whoever is playing Cupid. Then the answering of inane questions afterwards.

    • mooselicker says:

      I could never set up a guy with a girl I want to bang. Even if I’m already in a relationship I’ll think that I want her. Ugly people are different. I’ll set them up together to make an ugly baby. Then the baby won’t breed and I’ve eliminated that family from history.

  7. Cafe23 says:

    Lol sometimes I wonder how much of your stories are made up.
    I love that first caption hahaha =P

  8. Lily says:

    I did that with two of my gay friends too. At my wedding I tried to hook them up. Later I realized that doing something like that makes me gaysist. Oops!

    • mooselicker says:

      Maybe we could set each of them up with my gay person? This really is like one of those 5th grade math problems. Finding out how many different combinations you could have.

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