Electric Slides

Posted: February 7, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Like most alligators, I have never gone to a prom. You have to figure though, in all of these years of proms that at one point an alligator attended one. I’m not sure if he had a date or anything. But he was there and that’s more than I can say.

(No one’s ever worn a shirt with my face on it. Another win for alligators)

Why didn’t I go to prom? Many reasons. I didn’t have a girlfriend, I didn’t have a girl who was a friend, I’m cheap, I’m too cheap to go to a dance with a girl I don’t really like, I was too shy to ask anyone, the one girl I did ask was as a joke and she threw a napkin at me then called me a cunt, I don’t enjoy dancing, I don’t enjoy wearing a suit, I’m weird, I’m afraid of rejection, and a thousand other reasons which you would have to know every single thing about my life to fully comprehend. Did I mention that I’m a complete anti-socialite? That’s a big reason for a lot of my downfalls.

The first chance I ever had to go to a dance was in sixth grade. I guess I did go to one. They forced us to. It was the day before Christmas break and they gathered us all into the cafetorium (cafeteria/auditorium hybrid) and played Smashmouth, loudly. They did this every year. Each year it got worse. Sixth grade was my friends and I sitting at a cafetorium table bullshitting and checking out the girl with the biggest tits in the class, A-Cup Ashley. You see, that’s a joke about how sixth grade girls have small breasts and an A-Cup is large for them. I can only think of one real person named Ashley that had large breasts. I saw her poop once. Not the act of defecating but rather the aftermath. It was on the floor. A story for another day. Seventh grade I remember was in the gymnasium. All I remember from that was a kid doing pull-ups while a girl with a lot of makeup stood below crying. That girl always wore lots of makeup. Even when she actually became an adult whore. Eighth grade was by far the worst. Some semi-retarded kid I was friends with (like that narrows it down) saw that I wasn’t having fun. He was always a real prick but I guess he was getting older and wiser. He asked a girl, a very homely looking girl with a turtle’s face, if she would dance with me. I remember sitting in a chair and looking at her. She looked at me and after 3 seconds turned back to my Mongoloid Mate. Do I have to type out that she said no and left? I think she left school all together too. Damn. I put her on the streets by having an ugly face.

They actually tried teaching us in middle school how to dance. In gym class, one week a year we’d have to do dancing. I don’t know why that was such a depressing thing. Sixth grade I danced with some Spanish chick that went missing for a year then came back and was really hot. I think she might have been replaced by a different actress. By seventh grade they let males dance with males which was less awkward for some reason. I guess doing the alley cat is already gay. Why not do it with a male friend? I learned the grapevine, the chicken dance, and the electric slide. They helped me achieve nothing in life. At least track reminded me that I’d need to develop a personality to ever get anyone to like me ever.

(Go ahead, run from your problems and lack of charisma)

High school dances were always the scary ones. Painted in the media as life changing and important, I was terrified of them. There were formals, homecomings, socials, and proms. No longer were these events free. Now you’d have to pay to stand in a room and have girls walk by you and onto someone taller and thinner. You also can’t go to a high school dance without getting your picture taken. Prom photos are so dopey! The average height male standing behind the average height female now in high heels making her taller than the male? And she’s orange? Girls on prom do not look human. They look like deformed carrots. Mutant vegetables with one goal in mind, looking “pretty” and losing their virginities in the backseat of a limo. That’s two actually. Fuck me.

Most of my friends who went to prom did not have fun. I remember one telling me about how his date bailed on him as soon as they got there. He drove away from her house with the horn down and his middle finger raised up in the air. He was always flipping people off. I have a picture and someone else I know has a picture of him flipping the bird. He’s not even a mean person which is strange. He just really likes telling people to go to hell.

(My good friend Steve showing displeasure to his prom date)

No longer do I have to concern myself with dances. Sure, I’m in situations where I might have to dance to fit in, by why bother? Unless I’m promised a blow job in the bathroom for my dancing, I don’t see the point. It’s not fun. Gyrating my hips and arms to the beat of music? No thank you. I’ll take standing awkwardly over moving incorrectly any day of the week. Until I’m a washed up celebrity and I‘m on Dancing With the Stars, I refuse to boogie.

  1. *Sticks up Middle Finger*

  2. Lily says:

    School dances were the most awkward ever. My junior prom was good because I went with a big group and we went to my friends lake house for the rest of the weekend. Senior prom I went to a different school’s prom with a guy who was taller than me.
    My church had dances like once a month and I always liked those because people always asked me to dance.
    “Some semi-retarded kid I was friends with (like that narrows it down)” hahah. In middle school we had to practice dancing too, but for some reason it was strictly square dancing. Possibly the worst experience of my life.

    • mooselicker says:

      Your dancing experiences don’t seem so bad. Dancing is more for girls anyway. And a way for Latin men to distract those girls while their husky friends carjack them.

      (I’m feeling very racist today)

  3. Mutant vegetables! haha!

    Please know that avoiding prom makes you 100% cooler than anyone who went.

    It’s another one of those things that feels forced. Society would have you believe, that if you miss prom you’re missing out on the greatest milestone of your high school life. Such a total lie!

    • mooselicker says:

      I missed out on just about everything in high school except the bullying and ridicule. I don’t regret it at all. I had enough friends who didn’t go either. At least I wasn’t the only lonely person.

  4. Pete Howorth says:

    I remember being at a dance soon after joining secondary school. It was like a massive school dance though and I got to dance with some really hawt girl four years older than me, with my head nestled deeply in her boob. Ahhh memories.

  5. I don’t miss school dances but I do wish girls had an excuse to wear those giant, ugly prom dresses.

  6. ‘Run from your problems’ :D.

  7. robpixaday says:

    Heeeeeeeee!!!!!! I”m giggling bec you’re so right about this.
    Dances: ewwwww.

    The world changes around the dances: styles, hairdos, music, slang, fashion all change. But the nugget of misery is always there: awkward humanoids drowning in hormones they can’t fathom.

    You saw a girl’s poopies?
    That’s the kind of thing that can make you either VERY popular or VERY NOT, depending on the age group.


    • mooselicker says:

      I think we were 4 when I saw the poopy. It was a trail. I really should have blackmailed her with that knowledge.

      I like that you said “But the nugget…” before mentioning poop. It made me think of butt nugget.

  8. I don’t mind proms. We don’t have that many in Ireland, just the teenage discos for when you were in high school. Haven’t been to loads, but they’re fun.

    BTW, might have a column you’ll like tomorrow 😀

  9. I hated school dances in jr. high. HATED them. They were scarring and I didn’t know if I should know the words to “Baby Got Back” and ” Bohemian Rhapsody” like everyone else. But in high school, I just went with friends most of the time. I can’t say that I once went with romantic intentions….except for my psycho boyfriend in 10th grade that wouldn’t even dance with me. The ones with my friends rocked my world. And we left those lame dances in our fancy dresses to go to 80’s clubs and dance some more. I am a big fan of dancing, but not because I’m great at it or anything. It’s because I THINK I’m great at it. That’s the trick.

    • mooselicker says:

      80s clubs when you were in high school? It seems to me that they just hadn’t updated anything in 10-15 years. I could see a group of girls having fun at a prom together much more than a group of male friends. Girls will say “this is fun we don’t need a man” and the guys will say “this sucks why are the chicks ignoring me?” That’s what I observe at least.

  10. Cafe23 says:

    Aww, you’ll enjoy a dance one day when it’s with the right girl 😉
    I remember one of the first dances I went to in school, I was in grade 7 and I was dancing with my crush at the time. We went on a “lunch date” to McDonald’s at the local mall. This date was chaperoned by our friend Oneil. So then my crush tells me – in front of Oneil – how when we were dancing together, he could feel my stomach moving (when I was breathing) and it felt funny. Hahaha. Oh man, I wish I could have taken a picture of the look on Oneil’s face. It was fucking priceless. Anyways, it took me a long time to feel comfortable breathing while dancing with a guy after that episode. Makes me laugh now though lol.

    • mooselicker says:

      Oh the McDonalds dates. I remember them. No wonder 7 year olds are keeling over from heart attacks. Their version of caviar is a fish filet. I had a birthday at McDonalds one year. I must have been a bad kid that year to deserve that.

      Was Oneil the first or last name? I hope it was the last name and everyone called him by that. So badass.

      Don’t forget to breathe even if you do it in a humorous way.

  11. Emily He says:

    Awww Tim, you don’t even dance in the privates of your own home??!? SO MUCH FUN when nobody’s watching!!! You should try it.

    For some reason, I did love going to dances even though I was always shy about actually dancing. And prom, boy did I have a blast, especially at IHOP in the early morn’!

    • mooselicker says:

      I think I forgot to mention, yes I do dance alone. I pick up my broom and play the air guitar with it. Sometimes I take a wooden spoon and pretend I’m a pop star. When a spoon isn’t available, I use my hair brush. Wish I was lying about all of this but I’m not.

      I do celebratory dances sometimes. More on that in a future blog…(oh the suspense)

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