Romantic Gestures

Posted: February 10, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Since my girlfriend has made it pretty obvious that she hates me, I decided that this year for Valentine’s Day I should do something romantic. I decided that for each day leading up to the biggest V-Day on the calendar (Victory Day isn’t nearly as important) that I would do something to make her smile and feel loved. She’s never seen The Simpsons and has no idea that Apu did something similar for his wife. Sometimes it pays to have a girlfriend who doesn’t know anything about pop-culture pre-2004.

(This is where I turn for love advice, a cartoon Indian convenience store owner)

I’ll try to leave the insults to a minimum here since this is one of my romantic gestures. You might be thinking that this isn’t very romantic. I agree. The thing though is that I had hoped to do as many of these gestures without spending any money. It’s about being cost efficient yet still making her feel like the wonderful woman she is. It lets me get more creative in trying to make her smile. And that’s what this is all about, trying to make someone I care about move her facial muscles upward.

What is it that I love about my girlfriend? Sorry, I threw up a little bit after typing that. The word love is such a strong word. I’ve had people say it to me so carefree. A girl told me she loved me because I let her borrow a pen. That must have been some pen. Or she must have really been abused badly at home where my handing her a pen was like delivering her child in a dangerous situation without complaining. But it’s different with this girl. When we say “I love you” I knew that we mean it. It’s actually real and mutual. Not like that girl with the big mole on her face who told me she loved me after one date. Really? All you’ve done is insult me then write about how you don’t want to see me on your Xanga page. I really hope you’re dead in a ditch somewhere.

(Please find her body here. Please find her body here)

A few of my favorite things about my girlfriend are as follows: she has a great sense of humor. That’s always important to me. I can’t be around someone who cringes at mentions of certain words even when in joke form. She’s pretty funny too. Not funny like me. I’m clever funny. I’m so funny that the funniness spreads to the way I look. She’s funny in the way that she’s always willing to take a splash onto the ground for a laugh. I’d compare her to Chevy Chase in funniness but I’m not sure she even knows who that is. He was famous 10 years before she existed.

Something else I adore about her is how goofy she is. I guess that’s the same thing. Christ, when I think about it maybe there’s not much I like about her. I’m just kidding of course! I’ll talk about the way she looks. She’s got great style. She always dresses nice even when she doesn’t realize it and knows how to put makeup on her face well. Even better, I don’t realize when she’s not wearing makeup. I still like the way she looks. That’s a pretty good compliment. Most women look like a crusty fist without makeup on. Not my special lady. She looks as beautiful as something beautiful. I’d say a sunset but we live in New Jersey. When we see a sunset it doesn’t take place over the ocean. It takes place over Pennsylvania. Not exactly the Mecca of beauty.

She’s got great taste too. I may have influenced her on a few things, but even before I corrupted her with fandom of Oz she was pretty well-to-do. Yeah, I had to explain to her who Ray Davies was and True Blood is her favorite TV show despite not viewing after season one. And I also am pretty sure she’s a closeted Avril Lavigne fan all these years later. It’s okay, your secret is safe with me and everyone reading this.

(She looks pretty hot here especially for having a face of a 12-year-old)

The most wonderful thing that I like about her is what a talented writer she is. I know, if I ever get her pregnant she’ll give birth to a regular Mark Twain. Or if we’re really lucky a Clark Kent. He not only was a talented newspaper writer but also a man of steel. My girlfriend has never called me a man of steel. Probably because I’m not. I can’t deflect bullets nor do I have allergic reactions to Kryptonite. I’m allergic to lots of things, but not that. Superman is a pussy. I’ve tried to get her to start a blog lots of times, but I guess she’s too busy getting paid to write. Bitch. The most fun thing I’ve ever gotten paid to do was taste test gum. And she did it with me so she’s still winning. Ugh I hate her.

Sure, we fight sometimes. No relationship is perfect. But the things we fight over are who silly like who is better looking or which of us has the better chance at one day becoming president. I say her, she says me. There’s nothing I can’t tell her. I know that sounds like bullshit, but it’s true. It goes both ways too. There’s no fear with her. There’s no hiding a thing. It’s a great feeling to know that I never have to be afraid of anything with her. She won’t judge me and I don’t judge her. Like nerds, we have pretty much developed our own language. Most of it contains random sounds and inner-city slang. Still, it’s ours. Only we know how to speak it. I can’t see myself ever wanting to be with anyone else–in a non-sexual situation. She knows that though. We’re not going to lie that we’re attracted to other people in the most filthiest of ways. But we do know that we love each other. We’re best friends who have plenty more life to share with one another.

(From the Superior vena cava to the left ventricle, my heart belongs to you)

I love you “Drunk Moose Stuck in a Tree”

  1. renxkyoko says:

    Oh, my word ! This is the sweetest declaration of love I’ve read so far. I’m not kidding ! Wow ! Lucky girl !

    Cheers, mooselicker ! !

  2. Lily says:

    Seriously though, this is so sweet. She is so lucky to have such a kind person like yourself. Sounds like you guys are two peas in a pod.
    Paul and I have our own language too. I think true couples do. Like you said, it kind of shows that your more than bf and gf, you’re best friends.
    Ahh young love. (I can say that because I’m 4 days older than you)

    • mooselicker says:

      I don’t like peas even while in pod form.

      I’m glad other couples have their own languages. For her birthday last year I made her a “Memory Book” where for the previous year I saved whatever I could from things we went to. Movie tickets, concert tickets, receipts, random pictures of things that had meaning for us, and on one page I just wrote out all of our little sayings and inside jokes. I think I had about 70 words on that page and in the last 6 months we’ve probably come up with 70 more.

      • Lily says:

        That’s so cute. I used to be into scrap-booking, and I always loved stuff like that. It’s so thoughtful. Paul used to never think stuff like that mattered, but now he keeps his tickets. Good memories.

  3. Did it work? Did the gesture make her not hate you any more? Because it was a good one. A solid declaration of love in a public forum. That’s few and far between, my friend. You get an attaboy for that one.

  4. So sweet and romantic. I sense that it’s coming from a genuine love. When you can be your REAL self in front of each other, then you know it’s love. Nice.

  5. Awwwwwwwwww, wittle Timmy wimmy is such a sweety.

    If she doesn’t love you for introducing her to the wonders of The Simpons then there is no justice at all.

    • mooselicker says:

      She still hasn’t watched The Simpsons! Even if you don’t like The Simpsons, it’s so mainstream. She was more of a Veggie Tales kid. It backfired completely because life got in the way of believing a talking cucumber.

  6. princessvonvoodoo says:

    Bravo sir!

  7. Emily He says:

    TIM THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL! And this whole “moose” thing is coming together. She’s the moose, and you’re the moose-licker! I see the connection! Haha, HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY TO YOU LOVEMOOSE!

    • mooselicker says:

      Hahaha you are such a pervert! I was Mooselicker way before she was a Drunk Moose Stuck in a Tree. I think it’s something called fate.

      Happy V-Day to you too!

      • Emily He says:

        haha you’re the one that put up avril’s boobies! I’m sure some people go wild for her 12-year-old face. gross. Anyway, I believe in fate, and think it’s awesome you’ve found your moose-mate!

      • mooselicker says:

        Moose-Mate….I like it. I also don’t mind Avril Lavigne’s 12 year old face. She’s very hit and miss. Mostly hit because I’m not picky at all.

  8. robpixaday says:



  9. robpixaday says:


    I’m glad things are better.

  10. Lalanii says:

    Wait, here were your money shots:

    *Most women look like a crusty fist without makeup on.

    *The most wonderful thing that I like about her is what a talented writer she is.

    I know, if I ever get her pregnant she’ll give birth to a regular Mark Twain.

    This made me sit up at my computer and keep repeating the phrases over and over, super funny! LOVE IT!!!

  11. Pete Howorth says:

    Good man, I don’t know what I’m doing for the woman this year, probably just give her a portion of ‘Ard Pete.

  12. I am still catching up on your old stuff. You are seriously funny and a little strange.

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