Posted: February 11, 2012 in Uncategorized
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There are lots of things to celebrate. Clean air, clean drinking water, clean clothes, Kleenex. Those are just a few of the wonderful things in life we have to celebrate on a daily basis. I guess if you don’t live in the First World then you don’t have much to celebrate though. Most of the Third World people don’t have any of that. They live in Kleenex boxes. I’ve always heard of mentions of the First World and the Third World but never anything of the Second World. What countries fall into that category? Maybe those are countries like Poland where you always hear about people fleeing from but you never see massive amounts of dead people from there on the news stacked up. That’s kind of shitty for those Third World people. Your life already sucks and now we’re ranking you at the bottom. Like you don’t already know that your country is lame. Fortunately most of those people don’t know any better. They celebrate things like mediocre air, bloodless drinking water, clothes post-1988, and leaves to blow their nose on.

(Somalian tissue)

Even more than reasons to celebrate, there are different ways to do it. I don’t celebrate much. I rarely smile when someone isn’t being victimized. I’m evil. You know that already. Let’s get onto the ways to celebrate.

Shouting out is one common way of celebrating. Common things that people say are “Yay”, “Woohoo”, “Fuck balls that was awesome”, and a simple “Yes!” Expressing your celebration vocally is good because some people can’t read body language. You know that friend that won’t leave your place when you’re yawning and pointing at them then at the door. That’s who I’m referring to. They need you to express your joyfulness through words. They’re too dumb to understand anything less.

Body language is the other most common way of communication after making noises with your tongue lips. That’s something called speaking. Even a dog can do that and understand it. But we can’t understand everything a dog says. Are we dumber than dogs? Some of us are. Like people who you invite over and they say they’re only going to stay a few hours but they end up over staying their welcome. They eat your food. They follow you everywhere you go. Those kind of dummies are what I’m referring to as having less brain power than a poodle, the dumbest of the dog species.

(Why does this dog remind me of every slutty woman at a night club?)

One body language thing you can do to celebrate is the fist pump. I’m not talking Jersey Shore dancing in a club fist pumping. You know, I’ve been in New Jersey for almost a quarter of a century. That I believe is a “Score” and 4 years. A “Score” is 20 years I believe. Why couldn’t Lincoln just say exactly how many years ago? Confusing fucker. No wonder people were after his head. The fist pump involves throwing your arm in the air with your fist clenched. It’s almost as if you’re punching your guardian angel above you. And let’s be honest, most guardian angels need to be punched. Way too many people die in car accidents. You’ve got one job to do guardian angels. Protect us!

Dancing is yet another thing we do when we celebrate. You can dance however you want. Unless you’re a white person. Then you kind of flounder around aimlessly. Times where dancing is most appropriate to celebrate are after someone tells you they love you for the first time or after you win a dance competition. It’s kind of like a victory lap to rub it into the losers who could not bring it in the dance off. I would not suggest celebrating with a dance. It’s kind of douchey and you might get hurt. Then I’ll have something to celebrate. Your agony.

(The woman in pink seems unsure if she should clap or not)

Sometimes we get to celebrate with others. That allows us to do more celebratory things. One of them is the high-five. That’s when you slap hands at an impressive speed. It makes a slapping sound. The louder the slap, the deeper in the closet of homosexuality you probably are. Even more strange the touching hands with another man is the chest bump. A boob bump is fine when girls are doing it. That’s sexy. A chest bump though? A man getting a running start, jumping in the air, then bumping chests with another man who stands still like a brick wall? No. That’s unnecessary. Nothing is worth that kind of celebrating. More people need to die during chest bumps. You’d think they would. Slapping your hearts together with such force? That’s got to cause some damage. There’s also the fist bump. We know what that is. It’s how germaphobic people shake hands. Did you know germaphobic doesn’t even come up as being spelt correctly? That means it’s not real. Even Arnold Schwarzenegger comes up in spell check as being a word. I bet he’s not afraid of the snot of others. Grow up and build up an immunity. Or else you’ll die the next time you don’t properly clean off a Coke can with the inside of your shirt.

That’s about it for the most common forms of celebrating. There are others, of course. You can fire off a gun, push someone hard, break something important to a family member, fall to your knees and punch the floor, and many other fun things. I remember once being told by a teacher that I should celebrate by putting my hands together, picking them up and putting them to my head, then shaking them back and forth on either side of my head. I took her suggestion and felt like I had just won something in the 1950s. That was the last time anybody seriously celebrated that way. But it didn’t matter. I was the champ and champions get to celebrate however they want. I chose the nerdiest way possible.

  1. The Waiting says:

    My husband isn’t much of a celebrator either. Once we lived in Korea where they obviously don’t celebrate thanksgiving, and so when we went in to work on the holiday, one of our coworkers (American) came up behind him and gave him a hug. I have never seen him so confused/uncomfortable.

    • mooselicker says:

      Could it have been because it was a sneak attack hug? I know I don’t like being hugged from behind. Most men don’t like hugs in general. We don’t know how long they should last and we hate affection. That’s why we evolved into having thumbs so that we could create the handshake.

  2. My husband is much like The Waiting’s husband. He’s pained if someone touches him in an unforeseen way. Heck, he doesn’t even like to be seen. When he waits for me at the airport he acts like I’m not there, like he just bumped into me by accident. He would die before he would wave to me or look excited by my arrival. So sweet and reassuring.

    I think that’s why they gave that one Pokemon the power to “Harden.” That’s a power that comes in handy with the sneak attack hug. It really wards off unwanted affection.

    • mooselicker says:

      Be proud, you know more about Pokemon than I do.

      Whenever I see someone I know I can’t help but smile. I remember in school always making eye contact with friends, not saying anything but still smiling. I guess we thought it was funny to see someone we knew attend the same school as we did? Yeah, teenage boys have bad senses of humor.

  3. BTW – the guardian angel thing made me LOL!

  4. cat. says:

    I remember they shake hands in Europe a lot … in slavic countries they kiss a lot … in some african countries they spit alot … I think I join your nerdy ranks … 🙂 Love, cat

  5. Lily says:

    Hahaha the story about your 1950’s celebration actually made me laugh out loud. For some reason whenever I celebrate I pretend I have two pistols and shoot them and whomever I beat. Or I’ll do the fist pull (opposite of the pump) and say “yessssssssssss.”

    • mooselicker says:

      The fist pull! I couldn’t remember the name. I call it “The Hat Trick” because that’s what hockey players do when they get a hat trick. Or at least in a video game I had they would do it.

      It was very difficult to describe the different ways to celebrate. I’m glad you could at least relate to the clenched fists shaking.

  6. Your second sentence is the best thing ever. And I’m an avid hi-fiver, I don’t care if it’s supposedly out of style. Hubs and I double hi-five. No, not both hand. A double-slap with only one hand. It’s pretty hard to line up with another person. I dare you to try it. Also, EB thinks that hi-fiving is also an amazing accomplishment, so an almost-2 year old can’t be wrong, can she?

    • mooselicker says:

      Here’s the thing about the high-five, I have weak hands. I’ve never been able to give a good high-five. I’ve heard conflicting reports too. I heard that gays invented the high-five but also that they never do it. I have to know some history behind the thing before I can practice it. Any clarification on this issue would be helpful.

  7. Eeerm, I celebrate smiling, is that good too?

  8. sai04a says:

    “putting my hands together, picking them up and putting them to my head, then shaking them back and forth on either side of my head” – i totally brought this back in college!! i would do this to my professors during their lectures and they totally hated it…. but how do you discipline against that move? probably why it caught on so fast…

    hey – SOMEONE’S gotta keep the class entertained

    • mooselicker says:

      I’m curious what class this was in and even more what was worth celebrating about it. That’s such a huge celebration move that should only be used during the end of wars of births of children. You have me intrigued.

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