When I was a younger boy I had a fantasy of being the first ever dual baseball player and hockey player. I was pretty good at baseball when I was 10. As for hockey, do I need to post the picture of me on figure skates with crooked ankles again? Eventually my baseball skill diminished as I gained new hobbies like not wasting my time with an impossible dream. Still, there are some adults out there who claim to be professional athletes even though to the best of knowledge they are not athletes. They are frauds. Masquerading as professional sportsman these bastards need to be called to the podium and defend themselves.
NASCAR drivers are not athletes. I don’t care what anyone says. Sure, they have great cardiovascular systems. That means nothing. Plenty of housewives do too. I also can’t call NASCAR a sport. It’s a competition. How can a sport involve sitting for a few hours and moving your ankle up and down? I’m not saying it sucks (which it does) or that the fans tend to be below average in intelligence (which they are). If you enjoy it, by all means continue to have fun and follow. There’s nothing wrong with being into something that isn’t a sport. Sure, it makes you a homo but don’t let that get you down. NASCAR fans hate being called homos. That was a big insult right there.
(This picture to me says that you should drive really fast and do it while drinking beer)
Competitive eaters are not athletes. They’re fat or Asian. Rarely both. How is it that the Asians have mastered eating lots and quickly? I was always told that there were starving children in China and that I better eat my broccoli. Did growing up starving in China help them build up this ravenous hunger that can only be quenched by hot dogs? I do respect competitive eaters. I would love to be one. I think I’d be pretty good too. I’ve eaten an entire stick of butter, an entire jar of peanut butter, and an entire box of cereal before in one sitting. It wasn’t all that the same time. The box of cereal was most recent. It was healthy cereal and was high fiber. Do I need to make a poop joke? If I was ever a competitive eater I would probably choose donuts as my food. Donuts are the greatest food ever. That will never change. I once ate two donuts while my receipt printed. If I can do it then what’s that say for competitive eaters? They’re not nearly as talented or sexy as we thought.
(They’re touching, that counts as one donut)
Porn stars are not athletes. They’re close though. To do some of those things that they do. Standing 69s? How can that even be pleasurable? Men in porn have a lot of skills but not the athletic prowess of a point guard. They have really one move, the thrust. The thrust is only good for one thing, sex. Or maybe opening a door if you’re holding a heavy cake in your arms. People always open doors with their butts and never with their crotches. Or maybe I only run into power bottoms. Sure, a porn star can do some amazing things. They’ve all got great stamina, men and women. But that only gets you so far. You need to have good coordination to be an athletic. Sex is such an easy thing. It’s putting a cylindrical shaped thing into a hole with a cylindrical shape to it. Try hitting a round ball with a round bat. Eek. That sounds like it’s happened in a porn at some point.
(If I were a pitcher in the 1940s I would hit every good player in the head and end their career. How did it take forever to figure out they should wear helmets?)
Cheerleaders are not athletes. Actually they are. But cheerleading is not a sport. I don’t care if you have competitions and meets. That’s how you know your sport sucks, when they don’t even call them games. They call them meets. Meets should be ham, salami, pepperoni, and roast beef. People will say that cheerleading is a sport because it’s difficult and that it takes a lot of hard work. Sounds kind of like parenting. At least if you’re a mom a life is in your hands. Much more valuable than spelling out the school’s nickname.
(I have no insults to give)
Most Olympians are not athletes. Bobsled champions? You push a sled for a few seconds then ride a phallic shaped tube down a swirling track. Curling is cleaning the floor, weight lifting is practicing for a real sport, and archery is Live Action Role Playing. Lots of Olympic athletes really bust their asses to make a difference and take him the gold for their smelly countries. They deserve some real recognition. Gymnasts are amazing and I’m not only saying that because they’re so incredibly tiny and flexible. I’m also saying that because think of all of the great Olympic moments from the 1990s. They all involved gymnastics. Little Kerri Strugg with her hurt ankle landing perfectly ended racism. I don’t know how, but it did. My favorite gymnasts are the guys who hold the monkey bar things and put their arms straight out to the side. To be that strong and open yourself up to being attacked by a tickle monster? That’s athletic.
(Watch the fuck out for this guy)