Not Athletes

Posted: February 15, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

When I was a younger boy I had a fantasy of being the first ever dual baseball player and hockey player. I was pretty good at baseball when I was 10. As for hockey, do I need to post the picture of me on figure skates with crooked ankles again? Eventually my baseball skill diminished as I gained new hobbies like not wasting my time with an impossible dream. Still, there are some adults out there who claim to be professional athletes even though to the best of knowledge they are not athletes. They are frauds. Masquerading as professional sportsman these bastards need to be called to the podium and defend themselves.

NASCAR drivers are not athletes. I don’t care what anyone says. Sure, they have great cardiovascular systems. That means nothing. Plenty of housewives do too. I also can’t call NASCAR a sport. It’s a competition. How can a sport involve sitting for a few hours and moving your ankle up and down? I’m not saying it sucks (which it does) or that the fans tend to be below average in intelligence (which they are). If you enjoy it, by all means continue to have fun and follow. There’s nothing wrong with being into something that isn’t a sport. Sure, it makes you a homo but don’t let that get you down. NASCAR fans hate being called homos. That was a big insult right there.

(This picture to me says that you should drive really fast and do it while drinking beer)

Competitive eaters are not athletes. They’re fat or Asian. Rarely both. How is it that the Asians have mastered eating lots and quickly? I was always told that there were starving children in China and that I better eat my broccoli. Did growing up starving in China help them build up this ravenous hunger that can only be quenched by hot dogs? I do respect competitive eaters. I would love to be one. I think I’d be pretty good too. I’ve eaten an entire stick of butter, an entire jar of peanut butter, and an entire box of cereal before in one sitting. It wasn’t all that the same time. The box of cereal was most recent. It was healthy cereal and was high fiber. Do I need to make a poop joke? If I was ever a competitive eater I would probably choose donuts as my food. Donuts are the greatest food ever. That will never change. I once ate two donuts while my receipt printed. If I can do it then what’s that say for competitive eaters? They’re not nearly as talented or sexy as we thought.

(They’re touching, that counts as one donut)

Porn stars are not athletes. They’re close though. To do some of those things that they do. Standing 69s? How can that even be pleasurable? Men in porn have a lot of skills but not the athletic prowess of a point guard. They have really one move, the thrust. The thrust is only good for one thing, sex. Or maybe opening a door if you’re holding a heavy cake in your arms. People always open doors with their butts and never with their crotches. Or maybe I only run into power bottoms. Sure, a porn star can do some amazing things. They’ve all got great stamina, men and women. But that only gets you so far. You need to have good coordination to be an athletic. Sex is such an easy thing. It’s putting a cylindrical shaped thing into a hole with a cylindrical shape to it. Try hitting a round ball with a round bat. Eek. That sounds like it’s happened in a porn at some point.

(If I were a pitcher in the 1940s I would hit every good player in the head and end their career. How did it take forever to figure out they should wear helmets?)

Cheerleaders are not athletes. Actually they are. But cheerleading is not a sport. I don’t care if you have competitions and meets. That’s how you know your sport sucks, when they don’t even call them games. They call them meets. Meets should be ham, salami, pepperoni, and roast beef. People will say that cheerleading is a sport because it’s difficult and that it takes a lot of hard work. Sounds kind of like parenting. At least if you’re a mom a life is in your hands. Much more valuable than spelling out the school’s nickname.

(I have no insults to give)

Most Olympians are not athletes. Bobsled champions? You push a sled for a few seconds then ride a phallic shaped tube down a swirling track. Curling is cleaning the floor, weight lifting is practicing for a real sport, and archery is Live Action Role Playing. Lots of Olympic athletes really bust their asses to make a difference and take him the gold for their smelly countries. They deserve some real recognition. Gymnasts are amazing and I’m not only saying that because they’re so incredibly tiny and flexible. I’m also saying that because think of all of the great Olympic moments from the 1990s. They all involved gymnastics. Little Kerri Strugg with her hurt ankle landing perfectly ended racism. I don’t know how, but it did. My favorite gymnasts are the guys who hold the monkey bar things and put their arms straight out to the side. To be that strong and open yourself up to being attacked by a tickle monster? That’s athletic.

(Watch the fuck out for this guy)

  1. breezyk says:

    The answer is yes. Yes you do need to post that picture of you on figure skates with crooked ankles again.

  2. Addie says:

    Luge people freak me out. How drunk was the committee who said, “Wait. Jean-Claude, you guys in Canada will LOVE this–we strap you onto a hockey skate blade, and send you down a frozen ice tube!”

    • mooselicker says:

      I always associate the luge with Swedish people. This based off of an episode of the children’s television show Arthur.

      Jean-Claude, I don’t think I need to tell you what I associate that with. Time Cop!

  3. Haha! I like your summation. I’d have to agree with everything, especially NASCAR. It’s SOOO not a sport. Seriously, bowling with bumpers is more of a sport than car racing. Anyway, if it WAS a sport than I’d be a gold medalist.

    • mooselicker says:

      The strangest thing about bowling with bumpers is that I still don’t think I ever cracked 100 with them haha I’m a terrible bowler. My high score is 130 and that was the last time I bowled when I had grown-up man strength. Turns out I had the wrong fingers in the holes. My low score was 22. Of course that was during a class trip and my partner was a kid who owned a pair of bowling gloves.

  4. Pete Howorth says:

    Have you ever watched darts? They’re the worst example of people to be called athletes. Pie in one hand with a pointy stick in the other. That’s all they do. The only exercise they get is raising the beer/pie to the mouth and reaching for another.

    • mooselicker says:

      I hate darts. That’s a perfect example of one I was missing.

      I was hanging out with two British girls a few years back and a friend. They seemed more interested in the guys playing darts than anything else. Long story short, nothing interesting happened.

  5. Lily says:

    I agree with you about NASCAR too. Why doesn’t spell check recognize Nascar, but it recognizes NASCAR? Ugh. I’m tried of this planet.
    There are so many bad “sports” that Paul will watch out of desperation. I’ve watched Cricket, Snooker (glorified pool), Squash, Strong man competitions, etc. Just weird reject sports. I mean, at least the strong men have athletic qualities.
    But yeah, I agree with breezyk, you should post that picture again. Just for shits and gigs.

    • Addie says:

      Have they stopped showing barrel jumping in Canada? Now, there’s the sport of Kings!! Forget Polo-show me some guy in an ill fitted woolen snowsuit, and I’m in heaven.

    • mooselicker says:

      More great examples. Paul sounds like he’s into the Ivy League sports. I’m sure polo (both the underwater and horse kind) are favorites of his. Strongmen competitions are fun. I would love to compete in one. You know, to bring my ego back down to earth. I’m not sure how far I can toss a telephone pole.

      I have to start posting more pictures but I’m too damn lazy to delete the pictures of wrestlers I have on my camera taking up all the space on the memory card. What am I going to even do with a picture of a wrestler? I stink.

  6. I just read Pete’s comment and I have to say it’s pretty damn funny. The idea that someone could be eating whilst engaged in a “sport” is quite humorous.

  7. haha…it’d be gay if I commented further!

  8. Cafe23 says:

    Hahahaha @the donut caption. Only you, Tim =P
    I am definitely an Asian who has mastered the art of eating a lot and quickly. My mom has called me a human vacuum before.
    I’m gonna go run outside now and be a real athlete.

    • mooselicker says:

      Back to running? I hope I helped inspired this. Somehow, in some way shape and form I hope it is because of me.

      You Asians have the greatest metabolisms ever. Us lame white people can’t even eat carbs without getting a gut.

  9. sai04a says:

    i didn’t sift through all the comments, but did someone mention bowlers? i’m not sure if people call them athletes… but the fact that bowling is on tv at all drives me nuts… no one wants to watch that ish!

    • mooselicker says:

      Someone did make a brief mention and I said that was a great one. Bowlers are not athletes for sure. You shouldn’t have to buy shoes from a man with a cigar in his mouth in order to participate in a sport. It’s that simple.

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