For years, probably more than half of my life, I thought a tutorial was a large turtle. Something like a tortoise but more turquoise. I was wrong. Tutorials for those of you who like me fall into the realm of stupidity are guides to help you. They’re directions. Rarely helpful too.

I never would look at the guide to video games. This was probably not a smart thing to do. One of the few sleepovers I ever went to involved playing the lesser known video game called Madden Football. I lost on the last play of the game because I didn’t know the rules of football. I also saw my half-Jewish friend’s ass. I don’t know why he showed it to us. Possibly a half-Hebrew tradition. I had another encounter with a football video game where a tutorial could have done me some good. I was at my former friend and now mortal enemy Michael Barbera’s house. I’ve mentioned how much he sucks before and will continue to do so. We were playing Nintendo 64, a system which I did not own or was familiar with, and Michael thought it would be to his advantage to not tell me how to pass the ball. I had to quarterback sneak on every play. Somehow, I stayed in the game. On the last play of the game I made a 70 yard dash for the end zone. Michael was so angry and probably gay that he ripped the system out of the wall. What a sore sport. What bad taste in movies too. His favorite movie was Good Burger and I remember watching Jungle 2 Jungle with him. Christ, I need to stop making friends with people just because they have big funny ears.

(My former friend Michael being fresh)

I have since began to try to at least look at directions. That old paper clip on Word Documents convinced me. Remember that douche? Computers are one thing I have lots of trouble understanding. I’m not even positive if mine is on right now. I might be typing into nothing. I’m going where all of those “missing text messages” I’ve sent people are. Seriously, text messages never go missing. Anyone who says they didn’t receive your text is lying. They’re not an honest person. They thought hanging out with you would be boring. The problem with computer tutorials is that you need to be computer literate to continue with them. It puts you in quite the predicament. It’d be like if you had to die to give birth. You exist only so something else can later exist. What a terrible existence.

(He looks like he’s in love. Even outdated cartoon paper clips had someone to spend Valentine’s Day with. What’s your excuse?)

Cars usually have manuals. Neither of the cars I owned did. I don’t know what use a manual really has for a car. I know how to drive it. I know how to open the door. I know that mechanics will try to sell me parts that don’t exist. A hand guide on how to work my car isn’t necessary. That’s why whenever someone buys a new car they go for a drive around town and toss the manual out the window at a rookie police officer, waking him up in the process. There are certain things that don’t need a guide-book. We can learn to use it by simply doing it. That’s how I learn best. Imagine trying to describe to someone how to eat or poop. It sounds impossible. It’s something you do and learn how to do at an expert rate.

(Tori Spelling; expert pooper and clearly by this picture aficionado at eating)

What was the point I wanted to say with all of this? Oh, it’s this. I don’t like tutorials. Directions, rules, seminars; all of them blow. Has a PowerPoint slide ever taught us a thing? All I ever learned was that my eyesight is getting worse and that I don’t like Sans Serif font. It sounds too much like a terrorist leader to me. My desk at work is covered in binders filled with directions and specifications of how to do something. I hate it. If something needs a guide-book, it’s too complicated. I shouldn’t have to read 200 pages to understand something. I’ve read books that long and still have no idea what they’re about. It took a 22 minute episode of South Park for me to understand Great Expectations. How is that book classic literature? Farting between two pieces of oak tag has more artistry to it.

(Women are crazy. That’s the abridged version for ya)

  1. Lily says:

    Your first sentence made me cackle.
    I, too, hated that douche paperclip. He was so nosy, “Oh, I see you’re writing a letter…” DON”T LOOK AT MY LETTER, PAPERCLIP.
    I don’t know if you own an apple computer, but I always say that if Apple needs a “Genius Bar” to explain all of their merchandise, then it’s not worth having. You show know how to figure everything out on your own. Plus, if you go to the “geniuses” with any questions, their first suggestion is to buy a new one. Genius!

    • mooselicker says:

      No Apple for me. I actually don’t think I own a single Apple product. I hope that makes you feel really old if I’m younger than you and somehow I—lost my train of thought.

      Mostly everything can be figured out. My day is spent nodding and smiling when someone tries to teach me something. All the while I’m thinking “I really hope I can figure this out.” I usually do. Or at least figure out a way where they can’t figure out how much I screwed everything up.

  2. Caroline says:

    Are you positive that’s what Tutorial means? I’m with you in the turtle thing. In all seriousness, though, my favorite tutorial is definitely the directions on shampoo – Are there really people in the world who wouldn’t know how to use it? And if they can’t, I would think literacy is a lost cause.

    • mooselicker says:

      I’m not sure. It was a guess. I need to do more fact checking.

      I’ve never noticed directions on shampoo. Isn’t it in the slogan, “Rinse and repeat”? I probably should check though, to be sure I’ve been doing it right all these years.

      Thanks for stopping by!

  3. Lisa says:

    I hate directions and manuals, too. I think it boils down to a personality issue. I’m teachable ONLY when I want to be taught. I don’t want an impromptu lesson on anything. I think it’s a matter of pride with a little rebellion thrown in the mix.

    Anyone who can put together IKEA shelving never needs further instructions.

    • mooselicker says:

      That’s probably correct, only being able to learn when you want to. I only ever want to learn something between the hours of 10pm and midnight. I don’t know why, those just feel like when I peak during the day. I think that’s a good enough excuse for failing the other 22 hours in the day, right?

  4. BuddhaKat says:

    yeah, but what about all those starving artists who freelance and write instruction manuals – I especially like the ones that are English on one side, and some other language, if you turn it over and upside down!!!!

    • mooselicker says:

      You mean Russian? The language of random characters.

      I didn’t realize starving artists wrote instruction manuals. That can’t pay very well. They should get jobs at food joints. At least then they can clean the plates and not be so starving.

  5. Manuals are annoying but so are people who don’t read them and then ask for my help. It’s a viscous circle.

    Tori Spelling looks like someone who should be attractive but isn’t. Weird.

    • mooselicker says:

      She used to be in the early 1990s. Not sure how familiar you are with her, but her dad created a bunch of shows aimed toward teens like Beverly Hills 90210 and I’m sure a few other duds. I wonder how she got a leading role on that show…hmm

  6. Addie says:

    I’ve told the story of only one of my “….I refuse to RTFM” stories, which included the description of the ensuing scarring. I laugh in a jovial superior tone at IKEA products. I DO NOT NEED DIRECTIONS!!

    I would like a tutorial, though–more of the large turquoise kind than the tortoise kind, if you don’t mind.

    • mooselicker says:

      I’d attempt a tutorial, but I am a very bad teacher. I’m a decent leader and a haphazard chief. Teaching is one thing I have never excelled at. You may have to do this one on your own.

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