Rutgers Bumper Stickers

Posted: February 18, 2012 in Uncategorized
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I guarantee one person from my Facebook who attended Rutgers University clicked on this. Thank you for doing so. Thank you so much for never reading anything I have written and only clicking on this because you saw your alma mater here. I so appreciate you thinking outside of yourself.

For those you not familiar with Rutgers University, consider yourselves lucky. Let me explain to you what it is exactly. I’m sure you can relate. Basically it’s that one college in the area that everyone seems to go to. I’m sure you have a version of it near you. A college that everyone seems to go to and nobody ever seems to go onto anything better after graduating? Basically it’s that college where you know the people only got in there because their parents could afford it over sending them to community college.

The main nickname people have for Rutgers is Slutgers. It’s clever because you see, it rhymes and sluts are bad. The only girls who ever call someone a slut are sluts themselves. The only guys who ever call someone a slut are guys who never get laid. To be fair, it does have one of the highest rates of sexually transmitted diseases of universities in the United States. That’s quite an accomplishment. Do you know how much sex must go on there for that to happen? I take it back. Calling it Slutgers is the most accurate thing you could ever call it.

I know a lot of people who went to school there. Most of them gave me that old “Hey, I know you’re going to community college and all, but I want to keep in touch! I’ll make my way into the inner circle of a group of college friends and then invite you to parties. We’ll be friends forever.” and then they never talked to me ever again. The school was maybe 40 minutes away, if that. I couldn’t get invited to one awful party and flirt with one obese girl at a party? I still like to tell myself nobody invites me to parties because they know I’d totally be the center of attention. You could only tell yourself that so much until you start to realize that’s a false idea.

But this isn’t about a college of mediocrity. A college where if the teams finish with an even record it’s considered great. This is about the bumper stickers on the backs of cars. Maybe because I never went to a University I never felt the need to share my life with others on the back of my car. Especially not the need to brag about where I shelled out $30,000 a semester. It’s one of those things I will never understand. The need to let strangers know about you. That’s how children get kidnapped! We were always told never to have your name on your book bag because a stranger would see it, say “Hey Tim, your mom was in a really bad car accident. I’m her friend, Bruce. She wants me to take you to her.” Of course I would never fall for this. The first is that my mom never picked me up from school so why would she send some friend I had never heard of before to do it? The second is that my mom was an extreme anti-Semite. She would never befriend a creepy Jewish man named Bruce. Nice try pedophile. You’re not diddling me any time soon.

I see a lot of cars around my work and hometown with Rutgers bumper stickers. Not so much where I live. I don’t think people where I live ever go to college. Or get off welfare. For some reason everyone with a Rutgers bumper sticker thinks they’re hot-to-trot. They drive fast, they don’t use turn signals, gonorrhea seems to be shooting out the windows of their cars. There’s some stigma about them. I know not everyone from this college is a total waste of space. It’s only the ones with the bumper stickers. The big red R’s. I hate them so much. I won’t go into a big thing about how their nickname is The Scarlett Knights and then point out the obvious that a Knight wearing the color Scarlett never once in the history of the world stood in New Brunswick, New Jersey. Or I just did.

The only good thing about these bumper stickers are that they’re a warning to stay away. I know to expect sudden stops. Left hand turns at signs that say “No Left Turns” are imminent. To these people, Yield means stop completely and hold up traffic. What are they teaching people at this school? This is also the same school where I think it was about a year or two ago that a gay student was filmed by his roommate having gay sex with another man. It was broadcast online. The kid proceeded to jump off a bridge due to the embarrassment. Sure, it’s embarrassing. But now you don’t have to go through the harsh moment of actually saying the words “I’m gay” to people who won’t accept you. Nothing could be more brave than to continue living your life. Letting yourself get distraught over this sends a really bad message to others in the same situation as you. It’s like saying “I’m gay and I know it’s wrong.” They’re also trying to convict the two students responsible for filming it. I won’t get into a long rant about how shitty that is and that it’s not their fault that someone else is so embarrassed about who they are that they’re willing to kill themselves over it. What if it was a straight guy was filmed having sex with a fat chick? Eddie Murphy got caught with a transsexual. What’d he do to make us forget about it? He made a lot of bad movies ever since. We forgot about it. Get over yourself. You live in a country that is so wonderful that you can have gay sex and not die be killed because of it. Other parts of the world you’d be stoned in the face. Quit complaining. Children die of starvation every day. You call yourself a “liberal” and “open minded” yet all you care about is yourself and your own wants and desires. Go fuck yourself college kids. Rutgers or wherever it is you go.

I didn’t stay much on topic which is probably for the best. There wasn’t much to say about a lousy red bumper sticker in the first place. All I wanted to really say through all of this is that I don’t care where you go to college. It doesn’t make you better or worse than anyone else. We all end up dead. Having a class ring from a certain place isn’t going to do you much good then will it?

What was it that Izzy used to say?

Comments
  1. Lily says:

    Ugh yes. Soo many university bumper stickers around. Mostly from U of Illinois or any other BIG 10 school. I don’t even know what big 10 is really. I just know I hate all of them. I never got a bumper sticker because I figured no one knew where Utah state university was, so why bother? Then I went to a school in england called Canterbury Christ Church and people asked me if I was becoming a nun :/
    That’s super sad about that kid being video taped. You’re right, though. People shouldn’t kill themselves because of someone else’s stupidity. College kind of sucks in that way. I mean, yeah it’s fun, but there are so many creepers and slutgers that it’s not even cool most of the time.

    • mooselicker says:

      I bet if you had a Canterbury Christ Church one and they knew it was from England they’d joke and say “Did you drive here from England?” then they’d laugh and you’d laugh too, to be nice.

      Biggest problem with college is that it’s the first time any of those kids are “on their own.” Really they’re not. College kids call their parents more than anyone else. I know they think they’re being responsible and mature but you and I know the real deal. We know the dangers of the real world. We don’t have our parents calling up and making our airline reservations for us (heard a woman doing that for her 21 year old daughter the other day).

      • Lily says:

        I hate laughing at dumb jokes. I have to practice my fake laugh. It’s not too convincing.
        I mean, typically I would try to be cool and say that I make my own airline reservations, but I honestly never have. Hahahah. I’ve never tried! No one ever told me to do it! FML. I’m sure I could figure it out though. But yeah, I know the dangers of the real world. I hate when people act oblivious and dumb.
        But yeah, if you go to college 40 minutes away, that’s not really going to college. My community college was 40 minutes away. I like when people actually leave home and can’t get home because they’re too far away and then they have to figure things out on their own.

      • mooselicker says:

        Shhh I’ve never made my own airline reservations either. Don’t feel too bad.

        At least we don’t live at home still? I guess that’s something that makes us mature. Everyone I know is either still in school or lives at home or both. You managed to make it out of the country. I’m 50 miles south. It’s a start!

        I also saw your evil twin today. I would have told her but I think it would be creepy to tell a girl “You look like someone whose blog I read.”

      • Lily says:

        Haha omg thats awesome! People say they see me all the time. I must have one of those common faces. At least I’m not abnormal? Actually you were in my dream one night. I don’t remember what it was about, but I remember that you were in it. Maybe you were figure skating? haha I figured it was too creeps to tell you, but now I feel like its okay.
        At least we don’t live at home is right! We’re grownups. 50 miles away sounds like the perfect amount. Not too far, not too close!

      • mooselicker says:

        Haha I’m glad I entered your dream realm. I dream about WordPress too often. Dreaming about it at all is too much. I’m almost certain I had you in one of my dreams. It was one of those where everyone you know happens to be around. Like some random kid from middle school and another person you see at the bank and you all go to the movies. One of those types of dreams. At least I can always say I was the man of someone’s dreams? Maybe not.

  2. Lisa says:

    Pardon me, sorry to break into the convo… but in response to Tim’s post I would say that unless you go to Harvard or Yale or Princeton, no employer really cares. Why do students break their necks trying to make good grades, anyway? When was the last time a potential employer asked to see your report card? All they want to know is that you got a degree. Period. I can see if you need to go on and get a Masters or Phd, but if your Bachelors is the end of the line, who cares?

    Every kid should have me for a parent. (I’m just saying…) I’m so relaxed about things that make other parents crazy. I’ve raised the most awesome children. *pat on the back*

  3. WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

    Wow!!! Someone totally doesn’t like Rutgers! I am amazed at the VD statistic. I had no idea “they” went around testing and assessing such things.

    Loved the clip!

    • mooselicker says:

      It could Monmouth University and Montclair kids making up these statistics. I guarantee it almost. They’re trying to trick people into going to lesser known schools by saying you will get an itchy crotch there.

  4. I live in a college town. Sure, it’s also the capital, but it’s mostly where people go to college and then stay there. UT was fun to go to (twice) but I never had any gear. Not a shirt, and sticker, nothing. Only a parking permit on my moped. I was tempted to get a School of Architecture sticker because it was slightly high brow. My best friend bought a car from a stranger and left the Carnegie Mellon sticker on it. I always thought that was pretty funny.

    • mooselicker says:

      I’m almost tempted to get a Harvard Sticker and throw it on my car. Actually, Princeton would be easier. I work like 5 minutes from their campus. I could rip it off a career, that’s even better. Make an Ivy Leaguer cry and steal something in the same act? I’m doing it.

      Architects are always high-brow. They get to hold blue maps and point.

  5. You’ve been tagged by Simple Observations. Stop over, and see what’s happening.

  6. Love your rants! I just had some wasabi at dinner; cleared out my sinuses, it was awesome!

    • mooselicker says:

      Thanks Lauren! I still haven’t learned my lesson. Someone did mention to put the soy sauce on the wasabi so that helped a bit. I don’t even like wasabi. Even more I hate wasting food. That’s my explanation.

      • Oh, you HAVE to mix the soy sauce with the wasabi and make it into a paste. Dab it on top of your treat of choice – add some ginger, too…your eyes will water a bit but, boy, does it clear out those sinuses!!!

  7. […] The final two marking periods were spent in woodshop where I would make this magazine rack. We were given tests in this class where the average score anyone would get was a 30% F. One girl literally got 0 questions correct on a multiple choice. That’s like going to Rutgers University in New Brunswick, New Jersey and not getting a herpes sore on your face. I really hate that college. […]

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