I guarantee one person from my Facebook who attended Rutgers University clicked on this. Thank you for doing so. Thank you so much for never reading anything I have written and only clicking on this because you saw your alma mater here. I so appreciate you thinking outside of yourself.
For those you not familiar with Rutgers University, consider yourselves lucky. Let me explain to you what it is exactly. I’m sure you can relate. Basically it’s that one college in the area that everyone seems to go to. I’m sure you have a version of it near you. A college that everyone seems to go to and nobody ever seems to go onto anything better after graduating? Basically it’s that college where you know the people only got in there because their parents could afford it over sending them to community college.
The main nickname people have for Rutgers is Slutgers. It’s clever because you see, it rhymes and sluts are bad. The only girls who ever call someone a slut are sluts themselves. The only guys who ever call someone a slut are guys who never get laid. To be fair, it does have one of the highest rates of sexually transmitted diseases of universities in the United States. That’s quite an accomplishment. Do you know how much sex must go on there for that to happen? I take it back. Calling it Slutgers is the most accurate thing you could ever call it.
I know a lot of people who went to school there. Most of them gave me that old “Hey, I know you’re going to community college and all, but I want to keep in touch! I’ll make my way into the inner circle of a group of college friends and then invite you to parties. We’ll be friends forever.” and then they never talked to me ever again. The school was maybe 40 minutes away, if that. I couldn’t get invited to one awful party and flirt with one obese girl at a party? I still like to tell myself nobody invites me to parties because they know I’d totally be the center of attention. You could only tell yourself that so much until you start to realize that’s a false idea.
But this isn’t about a college of mediocrity. A college where if the teams finish with an even record it’s considered great. This is about the bumper stickers on the backs of cars. Maybe because I never went to a University I never felt the need to share my life with others on the back of my car. Especially not the need to brag about where I shelled out $30,000 a semester. It’s one of those things I will never understand. The need to let strangers know about you. That’s how children get kidnapped! We were always told never to have your name on your book bag because a stranger would see it, say “Hey Tim, your mom was in a really bad car accident. I’m her friend, Bruce. She wants me to take you to her.” Of course I would never fall for this. The first is that my mom never picked me up from school so why would she send some friend I had never heard of before to do it? The second is that my mom was an extreme anti-Semite. She would never befriend a creepy Jewish man named Bruce. Nice try pedophile. You’re not diddling me any time soon.
I see a lot of cars around my work and hometown with Rutgers bumper stickers. Not so much where I live. I don’t think people where I live ever go to college. Or get off welfare. For some reason everyone with a Rutgers bumper sticker thinks they’re hot-to-trot. They drive fast, they don’t use turn signals, gonorrhea seems to be shooting out the windows of their cars. There’s some stigma about them. I know not everyone from this college is a total waste of space. It’s only the ones with the bumper stickers. The big red R’s. I hate them so much. I won’t go into a big thing about how their nickname is The Scarlett Knights and then point out the obvious that a Knight wearing the color Scarlett never once in the history of the world stood in New Brunswick, New Jersey. Or I just did.
The only good thing about these bumper stickers are that they’re a warning to stay away. I know to expect sudden stops. Left hand turns at signs that say “No Left Turns” are imminent. To these people, Yield means stop completely and hold up traffic. What are they teaching people at this school? This is also the same school where I think it was about a year or two ago that a gay student was filmed by his roommate having gay sex with another man. It was broadcast online. The kid proceeded to jump off a bridge due to the embarrassment. Sure, it’s embarrassing. But now you don’t have to go through the harsh moment of actually saying the words “I’m gay” to people who won’t accept you. Nothing could be more brave than to continue living your life. Letting yourself get distraught over this sends a really bad message to others in the same situation as you. It’s like saying “I’m gay and I know it’s wrong.” They’re also trying to convict the two students responsible for filming it. I won’t get into a long rant about how shitty that is and that it’s not their fault that someone else is so embarrassed about who they are that they’re willing to kill themselves over it. What if it was a straight guy was filmed having sex with a fat chick? Eddie Murphy got caught with a transsexual. What’d he do to make us forget about it? He made a lot of bad movies ever since. We forgot about it. Get over yourself. You live in a country that is so wonderful that you can have gay sex and not die be killed because of it. Other parts of the world you’d be stoned in the face. Quit complaining. Children die of starvation every day. You call yourself a “liberal” and “open minded” yet all you care about is yourself and your own wants and desires. Go fuck yourself college kids. Rutgers or wherever it is you go.
I didn’t stay much on topic which is probably for the best. There wasn’t much to say about a lousy red bumper sticker in the first place. All I wanted to really say through all of this is that I don’t care where you go to college. It doesn’t make you better or worse than anyone else. We all end up dead. Having a class ring from a certain place isn’t going to do you much good then will it?
What was it that Izzy used to say?