Starship Troopers was one of my favorite movies while growing up. Easily it would have won a lot of awards if it hadn’t come out the same year as Titanic. Titanic actually won the award for best special effects. I mean, come on! The only special effect in the whole film was watching violin players fall off a boat. Starship Troopers had bugs getting blown up by Jake Busey and other South Americans who for some reason looked very white. Am I remembering that correctly, did they not all live in Brazil? That always confused me about Starship Troopers. How Denise Richards and Neil Patrick Harris could be Brazilian. It’s not like they can say their white parents moved there. White families don’t move to Brazil. At least, not without black masks on after being kidnapped then held for ransom.
(How a white woman moves to Brazil)
Bugs disgust me. Every single one of them. I never like a person who refuses to kill bugs. It’s a bug. We call humans we don’t like bugs as a comparison. Bugs bug me! Scrooge would say Bah Humbug. Key part of that, bug! Please kill every bug you see. They’re disgusting creatures.
Ants – These are one form of bug that I don’t mind until they get into my home. My current apartment hasn’t had any ant problems. My old home was filled with them. I’d spend summers seeing how many I could kill. I’d fill up a squirting bottle with water and soap and squirt them to death. Sometimes I’d waste a paper towel on them. Ants are supposed to be these brilliant soldiers. If that’s the case then why don’t the survivors tell the queen “Hey, we lost a lot of men out there today. Let’s move onto somewhere else”? I hated ants so much when I was younger I would kick in their ant holes. When I learned more about them I stopped doing it. I realized most ants only live a few days anyway. I’ll let them die of natural causes like being crushed by a piece of picnic bread.
Bees – When I say bees, I mean all of those flying yellow pests. Wasps, hornets, yellow jackets, all of them. These are the worst. The sound of their buzzing makes me sick. I’m glad that the bees are dying. Even if it means the Apocalypse is closing in because of it I don’t care. I feel partly responsible. At recess I used to go around with friends stepping on bees while they fucked flowers or whatever it is they do to them. I heard a bee buzzing one time and it made me cough. It took 6 months before the cough went away. I got my revenge one time when a bee was hiding behind a curtain and I punched it to death. That must suck to be a bee and die with your stinger still inside you. It’s like dying a virgin. Is that true that bees die after they sting you? That’s a pretty shitty defense. Bees are the Arab terrorists of bugs.
(Allah-Ak”buzz” – Arabian Bee Prayer)
Slugs – I don’t know if slugs qualify as a bug. I’ve killed a lot so they do to me. Slugs always seemed to be hanging around my back and front yards. The amazing thing about slugs is that they melt if you pour salt on them. You don’t even need a lot. I can’t trust any species who melts from a soft pretzel. They’re so big and fat and slimy. I think their purpose to exist is to help eat garden bugs. What happens when you don’t have a garden? My yard barely had grass in some places. What’s weird about slugs is you never see a dead one just lying around being a douche. One time I found a slug on my dog. Another time I found one on my kitchen floor. I put it in a bag and chased my sister’s boyfriend around with it. I’d love to cut a slug in half with a knife just to see what‘s inside. I’ve done it with baseballs, why not slugs?
Grasshoppers – The best thing about grasshoppers is at least they kind of keep to themselves. Other than being chirping idiots like their brothers from another mother, the crickets, I don’t have much against grasshoppers. There are these random bugs I find in my apartment every so often though that are similar. They hop fast and when I don’t kill them in time they hide behind my refrigerator. I’ve gotten really good at killing them. So good I rarely see them now. The message has gotten across to them. They’re not nearly as cute as Jiminy Cricket. I’ve never seen one of them holding a tiny umbrella. Even if I did I might have to kill it with a roll of paper towels. I could always get a margarita and get some good use out of the tiny umbrella.
(A beloved Disney character was killed so a gay man could enjoy a fruity drink on a Florida beach)
Flies – I saw a fly on a train one time and I thought to myself “Ha Ha! He’s going to get off the train and not have any idea where he is or how far away he is from his family.” Then I remembered how stupid flies are. A 15-year-old with perky breasts (I was 13 at the time, it’s okay if I noticed these things) told me that every time a fly lands it pukes and shits. I don’t know if this is true. I’ve let flies land on me and didn’t see them leave anything behind. That’s a pretty lousy existence. You have to fly around then you shit and puke. How about you stay still and you won’t be so damn dizzy. Flies are very difficult to kill. We used to get so many of them in our house that we had some amazing contraptions to kill them with. One was shaped like a gun and would slap two swatters together. Nobody likes a fly. That’s why the thing on the front of a man’s pants is called a fly. It’s to turn women off of sex. Thank you very much Catholic Church.
Spiders – I think every home is infested with spiders. Every corner seems to have some piece of a spider web clinging to the wall. For some reason I have it in my head if there’s one bug I’m not going to kill it’s going to be spiders. I bought into the propaganda that they eat other bugs. I’ve never seen this happen. I have seen other bugs stuck in spider webs though. How dumb do you have to be to get stuck in a spider web? Very. It’d be like if I stepped on a Vietnamese landmine. I’ll never be in Vietnam for any reason ever. And if I was, what would I be doing walking in a mine field? Spiders are very fascinating though despite being pretty easy to kill. All you need is a tissue. They have evolved into having 8-legs, the ability to build booby-traps to catch their food, and can walk on basically every surface yet the same thing I blow boogers into is their version of a hydrogen bomb. That doesn’t seem fair. Further prove that God is not a spider.