One sport that has died out over the years is boxing. Back in the 1970s, or whenever you could still yell racial slurs out at black people and be mayor of a town, boxing was huge. Guys like George Foreman, Joe Frazier, and Mohammed Ali were at the top of their game. Of course now they’re not nearly as amazing as they used to be. George Foreman sells grills and names all of his kids George because he’s crazy and conceded. Joe Frazier died recently and as he was lowered into the ground the undertaker yelled “Down goes Frazier! Down goes Frazier!” Mohammed Ali, arguably the best boxer of all time was diagnosed with Michael J. Fox Syndrome, worse known as Parkinson’s Disease. He is now permanently shaking, in a constant state of a rope-a-dope.

I’ve never been much into boxing. I don’t gamble. I don’t involve myself with the mafia. Those are the only reasons why people ever get into boxing in the first place. It’s known as the corrupt sport. The one where champions are paid off to take dives. It’s sad really. Boxing could be a very popular sport in today’s world. Instead Mixed Martial Arts has taken its place. Boxing, which was once the prize child of violent sports has developed mental retardation and grown red hair. In other words, it’s a reject.

(If boxing were a person, it would be this)

I actually for a brief time in my life trained to be a boxer. I bought a jump rope, a blow up punching bag, and owned a nice pair of boxing gloves. Black ones too. If I ever made it as a boxer, I would have to be the bad guy. My career didn’t last long. I can’t jump rope without a catchy tune being sung which led to poor training. I decided to retire before my career even got started. I’m still not positive I know how to throw a punch. Every fight I get into is a shoving match which ends with one of us tripping backwards. Well, the one fight I was actually in. Suck a dick Josh Marshall. You might have a loving wife and a child who looks up to you, but you’re no match with me when it comes to fisticuffs.

There was a man who almost saved boxing from aborting itself. He, himself was an abortion of a human being. I am of course talking about Mike Tyson. A guy who was so mean that making singing cameos in The Hangover actually got people to go and see the film. Yeah, the first Hangover was silly to see Mike Tyson in it. Then the second one the entire theater went silent went he came out. “Oh that old gag. I was hoping at least one thing in this sequel would be different from the first.” I mean seriously, what a fucking waste of however many dollars I spent. You wonder why people pirate films? Because you try passing crap like The Hangover 2 as original. We all know the story of Mike Tyson though. He bit a 50-year-old man’s ear and got a tattoo on his face. The rest, as they say, is a past event that has been recorded lest we forget that it happened.

Right now in boxing the biggest names are Manny, Floyd, and Vladimir. If I had to get my ass kicked by any of them, it would be Vladimir. Getting beaten up by someone named after the fat kid from Modern Family or the barber from The Andy Griffith Show doesn’t seem like much fun. Vladimir is a tough name. That’s Dracula’s communion name. I went to school with a lot of Catholics. They were always talking about their communion names and most of them were as vicious as vampires. Every mean person I have ever met was a servant of The Pope. Even Kennedy, the beloved president, was always out cheating on his wife. We were busy practicing the “Duck and Cover” while he was deflowering interns. At least Clinton had the courtesy to give Monica a souvenir on her dress. All Kennedy did was give this old broad an idea for a book.

(*insert pearl necklace joke here*)

What have we learned about boxing today? Nothing really. There’s not much to know. Nobody really watches it because you have to Pay Per View. So that’s why they call it that! Boxers fight maybe once or twice a year. How can you root for someone like that? It’s like rooting for your grandmother you only ever hear from on your birthday or Christmas. You can’t do that. All that downtime in between you forget why you liked them in the first place. If you are a fan of boxing, I am impressed. Somehow you have managed to look through all the garbage and found some good. This could explain how some really ugly and trashy people find spouses. It’s those all-inclusive observant boxing fans who they settle down with.

  1. Classic. Great post. And who says you have to be mayor to yell racial slurs. I was of the understanding that was the Deputy Mayors job. Keep it up – loved this post.

    • mooselicker says:

      Thanks Doug!

      I didn’t know a Deputy Mayors could get away with that stuff. I always thought it was to play the good cop/bad cop role to keep the peace. What do I know? I’m racist without the proper occupational standards.

  2. Lisa says:

    It’s a pretty primitive sport, I gotta say. Something about it makes me sad. Like these guys are trying to fight their way out of their life circumstances.
    My boxing references include; all but the last “Rocky”, “Million Dollar Baby” (where Hillary Swank has a hideous death), “Raging Bull” with Robert DiNero, and… well, that’s all.

    • mooselicker says:

      Your comment made me realize something. People love boxing movies more than actual boxing. There’s the 3 you mentioned which all had critical acclaim and that other one The Fighter that came out a year ago or so. I never liked any of those movies though. Something about watching a guy workout…not really all that interesting to me.

      I never saw Million Dollar Baby. Doesn’t she hit her head on a chair and break her neck? I might just be thinking of a parody I saw if I am wrong.

      • Lisa says:

        That’s exactly what happens but for the record, it’s her very evil opponent that causes her to hit her head. This movie is a major downer, but well made and well acted.

        I agree boxing movies are better than the actual sport. I saw the Fighter – I forgot! It was more about what a loser family he came from than anything else. haha!

  3. dan says:

    Boxed myself for a while, I was great! Used to beat the hell out of my opponents faces with my fists. Gave some real beatings. I didn’t want to hurt anyone so I quit. I’m more into scratching now.

  4. dan says:

    it was supposed to me their fist with my face. doh!

  5. Lily says:

    Don’t they box in the Navy a lot? Or did I make that up? I swear some movie or something tells a story about someone boxing in the Navy and then they win a necklace with a boxing glove charm. I must have made that up because it sounds completely homo. I should find a charm like that and just make my own necklace and tell people that someone I know boxed in the navy and gave me the necklace.
    This comment makes no sense and I totally understand if you don’t respond.

  6. Hey, if you have that necklace, please send it to me, I need it for dressing up.

  7. I have done kick boxing and ju-jitsu in the past but I didn’t get any good at them. They were good fun though.

    Boxing can be a bit boring to watch I find. The whole trash-talking thing at the weigh in bores me as well.

    I find the phrase ‘an abortion of’ to be great when used correctly and you used it correctly here. Well done.

    And I was really disappointed with The Hangover. At first I thought it was going to be great with the bearded bloke coming out with outrageously absurd things all the time. The “paging Dr Fag” bit was funny and so was the bit where he asked if the hotel really did belong to Cleopatra.

    But for some reason it stopped being funny the moment the tiger appeared in the bathroom.

    • mooselicker says:

      You’re pretty dead on with the Hangover. Even the first one wasn’t that great. I think my favorite line in the film was about the Holocaust rings. Last half hour was pretty bad. Ken Jeong was great in both of them.

  8. Pete Howorth says:

    Man I thought this was a post about you switching from briefs to boxers. Damn shame haha, boxing is a dying sport. It’s all about MMA now, it’s just so much better and the art of the fighters is brilliant rather than watching two guys danced around in a circle for 12 rounds hugging each other every now and then with their big stupid gloves.

    UFC will crush the boxing sport eventually.

    • mooselicker says:

      Hasn’t it already? If people like me who don’t follow a sport still know the names of champions and of the owner, it’s completely legit. I do wish that UFC guys fought a little more frequently. That’s really the biggest downside.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        I know you get to see one fighter about every 4-6 months and that’s if they don’t injure themselves in training. Luckily theirs a lot of fighters worth watching.

  9. This is so funny, in a roundabout, where the heck are you going way. My mind works in such a similar fashion. You make me think in multiple directions. There are pearls… (of wisdom)… flying all over the place.

  10. renxkyoko says:

    These days, people of the Philippines are elated coz a countryman , Manny , is currenty the champ. But he’s geting old and weaker as years go by. Not fond of boxing, though. methinks it’s a violent sport.

    • mooselicker says:

      Manny’s not bad. I hope he shuts up Floyd. He’s a big-mouthed American who thinks he has everything figured out. He’s also a coward too afraid to put up the dukes with a Filipino. If they ever do fight I’m changing country allegiances.

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