One sport that has died out over the years is boxing. Back in the 1970s, or whenever you could still yell racial slurs out at black people and be mayor of a town, boxing was huge. Guys like George Foreman, Joe Frazier, and Mohammed Ali were at the top of their game. Of course now they’re not nearly as amazing as they used to be. George Foreman sells grills and names all of his kids George because he’s crazy and conceded. Joe Frazier died recently and as he was lowered into the ground the undertaker yelled “Down goes Frazier! Down goes Frazier!” Mohammed Ali, arguably the best boxer of all time was diagnosed with Michael J. Fox Syndrome, worse known as Parkinson’s Disease. He is now permanently shaking, in a constant state of a rope-a-dope.
I’ve never been much into boxing. I don’t gamble. I don’t involve myself with the mafia. Those are the only reasons why people ever get into boxing in the first place. It’s known as the corrupt sport. The one where champions are paid off to take dives. It’s sad really. Boxing could be a very popular sport in today’s world. Instead Mixed Martial Arts has taken its place. Boxing, which was once the prize child of violent sports has developed mental retardation and grown red hair. In other words, it’s a reject.
(If boxing were a person, it would be this)
I actually for a brief time in my life trained to be a boxer. I bought a jump rope, a blow up punching bag, and owned a nice pair of boxing gloves. Black ones too. If I ever made it as a boxer, I would have to be the bad guy. My career didn’t last long. I can’t jump rope without a catchy tune being sung which led to poor training. I decided to retire before my career even got started. I’m still not positive I know how to throw a punch. Every fight I get into is a shoving match which ends with one of us tripping backwards. Well, the one fight I was actually in. Suck a dick Josh Marshall. You might have a loving wife and a child who looks up to you, but you’re no match with me when it comes to fisticuffs.
There was a man who almost saved boxing from aborting itself. He, himself was an abortion of a human being. I am of course talking about Mike Tyson. A guy who was so mean that making singing cameos in The Hangover actually got people to go and see the film. Yeah, the first Hangover was silly to see Mike Tyson in it. Then the second one the entire theater went silent went he came out. “Oh that old gag. I was hoping at least one thing in this sequel would be different from the first.” I mean seriously, what a fucking waste of however many dollars I spent. You wonder why people pirate films? Because you try passing crap like The Hangover 2 as original. We all know the story of Mike Tyson though. He bit a 50-year-old man’s ear and got a tattoo on his face. The rest, as they say, is a past event that has been recorded lest we forget that it happened.
Right now in boxing the biggest names are Manny, Floyd, and Vladimir. If I had to get my ass kicked by any of them, it would be Vladimir. Getting beaten up by someone named after the fat kid from Modern Family or the barber from The Andy Griffith Show doesn’t seem like much fun. Vladimir is a tough name. That’s Dracula’s communion name. I went to school with a lot of Catholics. They were always talking about their communion names and most of them were as vicious as vampires. Every mean person I have ever met was a servant of The Pope. Even Kennedy, the beloved president, was always out cheating on his wife. We were busy practicing the “Duck and Cover” while he was deflowering interns. At least Clinton had the courtesy to give Monica a souvenir on her dress. All Kennedy did was give this old broad an idea for a book.
(*insert pearl necklace joke here*)
What have we learned about boxing today? Nothing really. There’s not much to know. Nobody really watches it because you have to Pay Per View. So that’s why they call it that! Boxers fight maybe once or twice a year. How can you root for someone like that? It’s like rooting for your grandmother you only ever hear from on your birthday or Christmas. You can’t do that. All that downtime in between you forget why you liked them in the first place. If you are a fan of boxing, I am impressed. Somehow you have managed to look through all the garbage and found some good. This could explain how some really ugly and trashy people find spouses. It’s those all-inclusive observant boxing fans who they settle down with.