I like to give advice out to people. That’s nice of me. The problem, most of it is unsolicited. I’m not an ass about it. I don’t walk up to ugly married couples and suggest they not make a baby. That’s great advice. There are lots of ugly people in the world. By my counts, I saw 43 today. Yes, I actually counted how many people whom I saw in person who I could consider ugly. It’s a fun game to play and lets me forget about other problems in my life. Ugly people do serve a purpose. They remind me that I’m not them.

The main thing I have given people advice on is weight loss. I’m no Adonis or anything. I probably will never grace the covers of a fitness magazine. I don’t know why I would even want to. They’re only masturbation fodder for gay teenage boys too afraid to look up real gay porn on the Internet. Instead they settle for whichever professional wrestler is showing off his abs this month. I do believe that I at least have some knowledge to offer on the subject though. For the uninformed, I used to be very overweight. I remember my Indian doctor saying “I have a chart of weights here that match up with heights. Your weight does not match up with any heights.” Well fuck you. I’m sorry that your chart doesn’t go up to 8’9. We weren’t all born in a place where there term “Holy Cow” should be taken literally. (I had an even longer rant on this but it seemed too racist. Instead I’ll leave you with a picture of Phil Rizzuto whose catchphrase was “Holy Cow”)

(He swings like a gay kid who doesn’t know what baseball is)

How did I lose this weight? I used this book that my mom got me. It was called Jorge Cruise’s 8 Minutes in the Morning. It was a simple exercise guide which involved, on average, 8 minutes of exercising after immediately waking up. There was a diet to follow and little activities to do. I still have the notebook I wrote everything down in. It’s kind of sad to look through again at how lonely and sad I was back then. Even worse is that some of the things haven’t changed despite my “amazing transformation.” If you’re fat and think everything about your life will change when you lose weight you’re kidding yourself. Things do get better. A lot better. But you’re still a bum who all the girls think are weird. You’re not the fat kid anymore. Now you’re the kid who used to be fat and now is just oddly shaped. Kind of like a nutty candy bar that has been stepped on.

I tried to pass this book along to others. I had this “Pay it Forward” fantasy in my head that the book would be passed along from fat kid to fat kid. We’d all shape our lives differently thanks to the kindness of friends helping us realize our full potential. That never happened. The book became mostly an object to collect dust and be ignored. The book pretty much became the same as those who possessed it.

The first person I gave it to told me he weighed 270 pounds. At my peak, I was 256. That’s 17 pounds more than Homer Simpson weighs if you’re keeping score. I don’t have anything else to say about that except to watch your donut consumption. It’s hard to lose track and pretty soon you’re a 16-year-old the size of a 35-year-old fat cartoon character. My friend insisted that he did the 30 day cycle twice and lost 20 pounds on it. I asked him how much he weighed now and he said 275. I’m no math expert but somebody was lying. I think it was him. I think it was him about even trying it at all. The second person I gave the book to admitted that he never even opened it. The last time I ever saw him I asked for it back. I don’t know why I wanted it back so badly. I guess it was still fresh in my head how it had helped change me that it was important for me to keep. He gave it back and we insisted that we’d hangout a lot once he went away to college. I’m not even sure if he’s alive or dead now. I guess that’s part of growing up. Having to wait until you see the ghost of a dead friend to know if they’ve passed over or not.

(This plus 17 pounds was my mid-teen years? And they say suicide is never an option…)

Others still never wanted the book. As much as I begged and pleaded with them that it could help, they refused. I almost don’t blame them. I was telling fat teenage boys to not only exercise and eat right, but also to read. What a bastard move. The excuse most of them gave me was “I want to lose the weight on my own.” None of them ever did. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help or taking advice. We all do it. Receiving advice is a way of not making the same mistakes other people have. Why should we all make the same mistakes over and over again? If you already know it’s not going to turn out well then skip over the heroin addiction. Nobody’s life ever got better from taking drugs. Unless they had cancer, but how can things get any worse from having cancer? Having cancer and being stuck in the hospital with Nickelback playing on loop?

Here’s some advice for you. Listen to all advice that people give you. If it seems viable, give it a shot. If it fails, you know they were a loser. You should also give out as much advice as possible. Never hesitate to offer your opinion on the matter to someone else. Most people want advice. They want to know they’re not alone and that they’re at least headed in the right direction. Lend a helping hand to others. Don’t be a fucking asshole. And most importantly, don’t insist that you can do it on your own unless you truly believe it. Most things are hard to do alone. Especially when you’re a fat teenage boy with few redeeming qualities outside of taking up space.

(At least he’s watching something with subtitles. That’s kind of like exercising, right?)

  1. I’m impressed that you were able to lose the weight. I know a lot of people on “Project Hot” right now, which includes anything and everything to try to lose the weight. Except for not drinking beer. I guess that’s a different problem than teenage weight gain though. One of my friends is even on a 10-day juice fast. But he is being good and not boozing it up with the juice. That’s how you barf and/or die.

    I love how close that TV is to the kid.

    • mooselicker says:

      That was my other observation about the kid. How close he was to it. Diabetes?

      Giving up alcohol will definitely cut down some pounds. Giving up anything will. I just had to stop being a pig. I eat all the time now. I ate an entire stick of butter (was that in the article?) about a year ago. I think I’ve been trying somewhat for long enough where my body is finally saying “Okay, we’ll work harder for you.” I have great metabolism from eating nonstop. That’s the one thing I can vouche to anyone that works. Blah blah blah

  2. dan says:

    Good article, I was a fat kid. When I hit high school I got slim and stayed slim till I hit fifty. Now it’s easier to go over me than around me. If losing weight were a sport, I might give advice, not often. There is so much literature and programs out there to help them I see no reason to do that. Knowing how to lose is not their problem. I would encourage them if they started a plan though.

    I’m a very critical person. My wife will give me a dressing down if I comment on someones weight or appearance. That’s partly why I write, to make fun of people, but most of all myself.

    • mooselicker says:

      Now that’s good advice! As long as you make fun of yourself you should be able to making fun of others. Everyone’s a target and we are the hungers.

      By the way, what is the link to your blog? Every time I click your name it leads me to nowhere. I’ve been meaning to ask about that.

  3. I gained weight after I had my children. I would always blame my weight on my pregnancies. But once your kids have graduated High school it gets a little harder to sell. haha!

    I was always in good shape, and I love to exercise, but now that I’m approaching the big 5 0 it’s so much harder. My extra weight won’t budge. I get inspired by people who are successful. I’m forever asking, “How’d you do it?”

    • mooselicker says:

      I gained weight after you had your children too. It’s okay. That seemed to be contagious.

      Some people just have warrior genetics. I had a friend who was a personal trainer. He told me his roommate was in even better shape than he was and his roommate was some Persian who sat around all day eating ice cream and never worked out. The Persians were pretty tough warriors. Check out your family tree. If everyone was a butcher or a court jester then you can blame it on them for now.

  4. Lily says:

    I’m sorry that your chart doesn’t go up to 8’9. Hahah. Perfect response. I always hated myself because I would concentrate on the number more than how I looked. Of course I’m going to weigh more than my miniature friends. I hate when charts say that I should be somewhere between 140 and 180. Like Ummmm if I was 140 I would be dead. The lowest I got was 158 and that was when I was eating 200 calories a day like a nazi. I always like workout tips and weight loss tips. I figure that there is always something new to learn.

    • mooselicker says:

      You always seem to mention how out of shape you are when I bet nobody has thought of you as fat ever.

      Numbers are tricky. I remember the same day I got down to 154 (my goal was to lose 100 total) my friend told me I had really thin arms. This coming from someone who was 120 pounds with no muscle mass really bothered me. It’s nice when people finally tell you that you look sick and should put on weight. Just don’t do what I do and hide in your car eating donuts every night. The only person I was even hiding from was myself. Like my sister really would have made fun of me for eating foods she ate all the time…

      • Lily says:

        Yeah. I’m always surprised when people call me skinny. I just never feel like it. Maybe because I’m tall, so I’ve never felt petite. And I’ve never been slender. Just proportional. I have been slightly chunky but nothing too crazy. Lots of awkward years when I was round in the face. I can’t imagine you losing 100 pounds. I really can’t imagine you over weight actually.

      • mooselicker says:

        How can you not imagine me overweight? Is it that I don’t behave like someone who is?

        I need to get some old-school fat pictures of me scanned. I know there’s a really embarrassing one rotting away in a storage unit somewhere of me on a trampoline.

        For what it’s worth based on the 4 pictures of you that you’ve ever posted I thought you were very thin. But you could be pulling a Catfish* on me.

        *A film about Internet lying

      • Lily says:

        Dude. I’ve totally thought someone on here was a Catfish and I so eagerly want to stalk them and find out if they are.
        I’m not going to post really gross pictures of myself, if that’s what you think. I have moments of chunk, and I have moments of slim. And a lot of in between. I don’t know, I just picture you as the ice skating guy and I couldn’t imagine 100 lbs on top of that.

      • mooselicker says:

        Oh geez now I’m really curious as to who it is if I even am familiar with them. I’d say they are Catfishing. That movie reminded me way too much of someone I actually know. It’s way too possible.

  5. Cafe23 says:

    Good for you, Tim. You know me and my fat story, so I won’t retell.
    I know being older now, I am much more open to taking other people’s advice. I think because I look back to the advice I ignored in the past and realize now how much people were right. They were older and wiser but I thought I knew everything. Anyways, you’re a caring guy, Tim. Always knew you were a softie hehe =P

    • mooselicker says:

      I have no idea what your fat story is. I feel like an ass for forgetting now.

      Couldn’t you calling me a softie be misinterpreted as you calling me soft as in tubby? Like I’m the Pillsbury Dough Boy or something. You might possibly be cruel.

      I love advice from older people. I don’t know if I like that or when I give someone younger advice and I can say “Told ya so.” Kids are so delusional.

      • Cafe23 says:

        Lol no worries. It was that post I wrote about the obsession with looks in Korea and how when I was a kid, I was pretty chubby and some girls would make fun of me for it.

        You’re a softie ‘cuz you got a kind heart underneath all of the brutally honest words that can come out of your mouth sometimes haha =P

      • mooselicker says:

        Oh that’s right! I think that was the first thing of yours I read. That’s when I thought you were mean for some reason. Maybe that’s when I have such a tough exterior. I assume some of the nicest people around are practically hardened criminals. Lesson learned!

      • Cafe23 says:

        HAHA! You thought I was mean? really?? Explain yourself, Tim! lol

      • mooselicker says:

        I have no idea what it was. Sometimes to me “mean” is assuming people won’t like me. You seemed like someone that might start an argument over something you disagreed with. I think that’s what I was feeling. But you never actually did anything to warrant me thinking this way haha

      • Cafe23 says:

        Lol! That’s too funny. And now you know I’m the sweetest person in the world =P

      • mooselicker says:

        Not until I relinquish my crown.

  6. Ultimately losing weight is very easy. You just have to be determined about it.

    I lost two stone last year in the space of six months. It was a combination of not eating rubbish and going back down the gym.

    • mooselicker says:

      I remember you mentioning that before. I’m guessing you managed to keep it all off. It really is about a little bit of effort. Start small and make bigger progressions. Eventually teenage bodybuilders will be poking your back asking how you got that muscle there (one of the greatest days of my life when that happened)

  7. Pete Howorth says:

    “I have a chart of weights here that match up with heights. Your weight does not match up with any heights.”


    I would like to read this book. I definitely need to lose weight and the McDonalds and KFC across the road from work is not helping. The 12 and a half hour shift at work means the £30 I spent a month on a gym membership is also going to waste.

    • mooselicker says:

      It’s very helpful for beginners. I think it was mostly designed for 400 pound people who don’t even move at all. The workouts are “mom workouts” where even the laziest of person can do them fine. I think the most helpful thing in it is diet. You can save yourself the money and eat less or whatever it is you’re eating. It’s mostly a Spanish man stating the obvious.

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