Being a teenager sucks! The cops are always harassing you, parents are always yelling saying you need to eat your vegetables, and teachers won’t get off your ass about how important geometry is. Really kiddos, geometry is something I use everyday. Every night after dinner I grab a protractor and measure the width of my asshole. I’m kidding of course. Why would I need to do that more than once? It doesn’t change. Geometry is pretty pointless unless you’re a carpenter. Nobody really sets out to be a carpenter either. Usually they’re failed architects. And just because you enjoy Legos doesn’t mean you should aspire to be an architect. It’s a much more boring job than it sounds. If you’ve seen Prison Break and remember how Michael Scofield spoke you’d know.
(Wanna bet he put more time into getting these fake tattoos on then he has working since Prison Break went off the air?)
The hardest part about being a teenager though is finding a place to drink. They’ve got these crazy laws in the United States. You’re not allowed to drink until you’re 21! It’s insane. Everybody knows that 15-year-olds are totally responsible enough to handle their alcohol. That’s one of the dumbest things that teenagers argue about. If American kids could drink when they were under 21 nothing would ever get done. Justin Bieber would be begging for change and Dakota Fanning would be a prostitute.
(Wait, wasn’t she 12 last week?)
I would like to do a service today and let my teenage readers know where the good spots to drink are. I know, I’m a swell guy like that. The first place I would like to mention is my apartment. Yes. All teenagers are welcome to come to my apartment at any time to drink. If anyone asks though you didn’t get the booze from me. You got it from your parent’s liquor cabinet. Here are some perks about drinking in my apartment. For one, it’s inside. That means heating and air conditioning depending on the time of year. I also have a love-seat to sit on as well as a swivel chair. Parties are always more fun with a swivel chair around. I also have a bed. I think it’s a twin? Either way, it could easily fit two slender 18-year-olds who are interested in pursuing a career in modeling on either side of myself. Have I ever mentioned that I’m a modeling agent? I am now if that’s what you’re interested in.
Some of you might be a little uneasy about coming to a stranger’s apartment. Just because I’m strange doesn’t mean I have to always remain a stranger. That so sounds like something a child molester would say. Another place you can drink is at your friend’s house. Not every friend’s house either. It has to be at that one friend’s house. You know, the one whose parents don’t love them. Usually there’s a basement there. Usually this friend also doesn’t have a bed, just a cot. We all have had that friend at some point. The friend with the party house. This friend usually doesn’t amount to much. Nobody has ever done an interview saying “I knew I was going to win the presidential election when a friend of mine called me the biggest partier he knew.” There’s nothing wrong with being the party house kid. It can be a blessing. People will be nice to you because you’re the one person they know who won’t be upset if they throw up on your floor. It’s worth a life of working minimum wage jobs.
(In high school she was the prom queen. In the real world she burns her fingers on a the Fry-O-Later twice a day)
If you’re a more outdoorsy person, you could always have a bonfire. Remember though, these are illegal to do. Actually I’m not sure. But a bonfire has to be illegal. There’s no way a bunch of teenagers are legally allowed to build a giant fire even if it’s to toss a redheaded person into. I’ve been to one bonfire in my life. It was okay. Nobody fell into the fire. One person fell into the lake. All I remember was a lot of guys sitting around on coolers shirtless. They said that they were really hot and that’s why they took their shirts off. How about putting out the fire? A girl also had sex with three different guys in the woods that night. That was the rumor that the one kid whose dad was there started spreading. How does a dad show up at a teenager’s bonfire? No wonder I gave up drinking. It was always too awkward.
The most ridiculous place for a teenager to drink is the car. Teenagers do a lot of strange things in cars. They drink in them, smoke weed in them, have sex in them, everything but drive them. When I think about it, I never even drove my car when I was a teenager. I would sit in it and make racing noises. Call me old-fashioned, but drinking in the car seems sad. You render the car useless by doing so. Your life is that bad that you have to sit in your 1999 Hyundai trying to forget about how bad everything has become? Maybe I’m alone in this. I think if you have to do something that depressing in order to do it at all then you should wait 3 more years until you can do it in a more normal setting, like somewhere with a table.
Teenagers are always going to be drinking. I guess you can’t blame them really. What else is there for them to do? They have so much free time, no worries in life, and awkward pimples in even more awkward places. If it wasn’t for alcohol, teenagers would never have sex. And teenage sex is what makes ABC Family a successful cable channel. Really, how is always bringing sex into the equation family oriented? Families don’t talk about sex. They avoid it. The History Channel should be called the Family Channel. I never had a sex talk with a family member. Yet when I was 14 years old my dad sat me down to have a talk about how Hitler got all of his technology from ancient aliens and ice road truckers. That’s what a real family is like.
(My dad, Giorgio, telling me all about Ancient Aliens and how they built the pyramids and Statue of Liberty)