Teenage Drinking Spots

Posted: February 27, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Being a teenager sucks! The cops are always harassing you, parents are always yelling saying you need to eat your vegetables, and teachers won’t get off your ass about how important geometry is. Really kiddos, geometry is something I use everyday. Every night after dinner I grab a protractor and measure the width of my asshole. I’m kidding of course. Why would I need to do that more than once? It doesn’t change. Geometry is pretty pointless unless you’re a carpenter. Nobody really sets out to be a carpenter either. Usually they’re failed architects. And just because you enjoy Legos doesn’t mean you should aspire to be an architect. It’s a much more boring job than it sounds. If you’ve seen Prison Break and remember how Michael Scofield spoke you’d know.

(Wanna bet he put more time into getting these fake tattoos on then he has working since Prison Break went off the air?)

The hardest part about being a teenager though is finding a place to drink. They’ve got these crazy laws in the United States. You’re not allowed to drink until you’re 21! It’s insane. Everybody knows that 15-year-olds are totally responsible enough to handle their alcohol. That’s one of the dumbest things that teenagers argue about. If American kids could drink when they were under 21 nothing would ever get done. Justin Bieber would be begging for change and Dakota Fanning would be a prostitute.

(Wait, wasn’t she 12 last week?)

I would like to do a service today and let my teenage readers know where the good spots to drink are. I know, I’m a swell guy like that. The first place I would like to mention is my apartment. Yes. All teenagers are welcome to come to my apartment at any time to drink. If anyone asks though you didn’t get the booze from me. You got it from your parent’s liquor cabinet. Here are some perks about drinking in my apartment. For one, it’s inside. That means heating and air conditioning depending on the time of year. I also have a love-seat to sit on as well as a swivel chair. Parties are always more fun with a swivel chair around. I also have a bed. I think it’s a twin? Either way, it could easily fit two slender 18-year-olds who are interested in pursuing a career in modeling on either side of myself. Have I ever mentioned that I’m a modeling agent? I am now if that’s what you’re interested in.

Some of you might be a little uneasy about coming to a stranger’s apartment. Just because I’m strange doesn’t mean I have to always remain a stranger. That so sounds like something a child molester would say. Another place you can drink is at your friend’s house. Not every friend’s house either. It has to be at that one friend’s house. You know, the one whose parents don’t love them. Usually there’s a basement there. Usually this friend also doesn’t have a bed, just a cot. We all have had that friend at some point. The friend with the party house. This friend usually doesn’t amount to much. Nobody has ever done an interview saying “I knew I was going to win the presidential election when a friend of mine called me the biggest partier he knew.” There’s nothing wrong with being the party house kid. It can be a blessing. People will be nice to you because you’re the one person they know who won’t be upset if they throw up on your floor. It’s worth a life of working minimum wage jobs.

(In high school she was the prom queen. In the real world she burns her fingers on a the Fry-O-Later twice a day)

If you’re a more outdoorsy person, you could always have a bonfire. Remember though, these are illegal to do. Actually I’m not sure. But a bonfire has to be illegal. There’s no way a bunch of teenagers are legally allowed to build a giant fire even if it’s to toss a redheaded person into. I’ve been to one bonfire in my life. It was okay. Nobody fell into the fire. One person fell into the lake. All I remember was a lot of guys sitting around on coolers shirtless. They said that they were really hot and that’s why they took their shirts off. How about putting out the fire? A girl also had sex with three different guys in the woods that night. That was the rumor that the one kid whose dad was there started spreading. How does a dad show up at a teenager’s bonfire? No wonder I gave up drinking. It was always too awkward.

The most ridiculous place for a teenager to drink is the car. Teenagers do a lot of strange things in cars. They drink in them, smoke weed in them, have sex in them, everything but drive them. When I think about it, I never even drove my car when I was a teenager. I would sit in it and make racing noises. Call me old-fashioned, but drinking in the car seems sad. You render the car useless by doing so. Your life is that bad that you have to sit in your 1999 Hyundai trying to forget about how bad everything has become? Maybe I’m alone in this. I think if you have to do something that depressing in order to do it at all then you should wait 3 more years until you can do it in a more normal setting, like somewhere with a table.

Teenagers are always going to be drinking. I guess you can’t blame them really. What else is there for them to do? They have so much free time, no worries in life, and awkward pimples in even more awkward places. If it wasn’t for alcohol, teenagers would never have sex. And teenage sex is what makes ABC Family a successful cable channel. Really, how is always bringing sex into the equation family oriented? Families don’t talk about sex. They avoid it. The History Channel should be called the Family Channel. I never had a sex talk with a family member. Yet when I was 14 years old my dad sat me down to have a talk about how Hitler got all of his technology from ancient aliens and ice road truckers. That’s what a real family is like.

(My dad, Giorgio, telling me all about Ancient Aliens and how they built the pyramids and Statue of Liberty)

  1. I appreciate the fact that you are releasing your stress in a blog rather than shooting people. Good on ya!

  2. Lily says:

    The kids who went to my high school were all super rich so whenever one of them had a party it would be at a lake house or in a basement the size of a lake house. Convenient. My house had a bonfire pit in the backyard. Which would have been awesome for entertaining if I had ever brought any friends over.
    I always just liked to throw leaves and dirt into the fire and pretend I was part of the Midnight Society.

    • mooselicker says:

      Ugh rich high school kids. My school was split in half. I guess I fell right on the tracks instead of on one side or the other.

      You sound like you were a lonely kid trying way too hard to recapture the glory days of Nickelodeon.

  3. The drinking laws are so much tougher today than when I was growing up.

    This is a true story. My son went over to this party to ask a girl to prom, he had just arrived, hadn’t even gone inside- just walking up the driveway, and he got arrested cause the kids inside were drinking??? What the heck?

    He ended up getting 24 hours community service with zero alcohol on the breathalyzer. Another kid who was falling down drunk also got 24 hours. That’s really fair. I can see why people get guns and go on a shooting sprees.

    • mooselicker says:

      Did not see that ending coming at all. You’re the M. Night of blog commenters.

      I think teenagers blew the old drinking laws. Why wouldn’t the government want kids drinking? It’s good for business and all. Too many irresponsible people though. And what’s with those crashed cars they put in front of the high schools? That never scared me away from drinking. It only made me a more petrified driver.

      Your boy caught an unlucky break. I can’t believe you can get in trouble for not having any alcohol on your breath. It’s almost like getting arrested when your neighbor has a gun on the other side of your wall. Not your fault!

  4. Addie says:

    I wondered what happened to Prison Break. It jumped the shark mid second season. But, they all knew the good places to drink, didn’t they? Granted, it was behind bars–can’t be picky there, can you?

    • mooselicker says:

      They turned it from a great show about prison escapes into something about a weapon that runs on solar energy. I watched the series 2 or 3 times through. I’m still not even quite sure what Scylla was. I’m sure they blame the writer’s strike.

  5. When I was a teenager I did not have the party friend’s house to go to and certainly no one as cool as you to hang out with. My gang got drunk in cemeteries. I don’t know why. We just did. Oh, and I have a vague recollection of falling off a brick wall in some apartment complex. I think I probably thought that was funny back then. Then there was the Marta train trip – drunk and riding backwards. Then there was this time I drove through East Point naked, ended up with my feet on the windshield of my car and…well, let’s not go there. Damn, I’m glad I’m not a teenager anymore.

    • mooselicker says:

      It seems like wherever you went was a teenage drinking spot. Maybe you yourself were that spot? People would hang out with you knowing they’d end up in a barn or on a NASA launch pad the next morning.

      Cemeteries are another good one. I’ve heard stories of kids doing naughty things there. Those same kids yelling that people should have more respect for the dead. Hypocritical parasites…

  6. Oh the teenage life. That was when drinking was fun. I remember a few of my buddies would buy those larger than life size plastic bottle sodas from a convenient store, pour half of it out and fill it back up with Jack or So Co and walk around the mall getting wasted. We were losers but it was as close to to a bar scene as we could get without fake IDs. The only thing that separates us from the “Jersey Shore” is that we weren’t douche bags.

    • mooselicker says:

      It’s funny because I’m sure almost everyone around you realized what your scheme was yet no one cared enough to stop you. Then 9/11 happened and we’re suspicious of everything. Fuckin’ terrorists. They ruined the high school party.

  7. Thumbs up for Belgium:beer and wine when you’re 16, wodka and whisky when you’re 18. But the best part NO ONE ASKS YOUR AGE. Really, you can drink whatever you want at whatever your age is.
    But if something is annoying, it is 13-year-olds being drunk at a party where you are too. Soooo depressing to see today’s youth being ruined by alcohol. But above all, why would they be drunk in front of cooler, older and wiser people?

    • mooselicker says:

      If a 13-year-old wants to look cool and mature they shoudl buy a sports car and smoke a cigar. Adults drink to feel young again, not old. I don’t know what I’d do if I was around a drunk 13-year-old. I don’t know what I’d do around a sober one. Is Pokemon still big? We could talk about that.

      • 13-year olds are trying to be older today, so I guess they just talk about the neighbourhood slut and about how they don’t do a fuck for school.
        I really think it’s just that. Though Pokemon has such a good morality.
        (Actually I don’t know about that, but okay)

  8. Pete Howorth says:

    Wow Dakota Fanning is looking hot. This makes me feel wrong as it wasn’t long ago I watched her in Taken (Not the Liam Neeson film).

  9. BuddhaKat says:

    I think that George Tsoukalos has the world’s most alien hair. I love it. Maybe he has the same stylist as Trump!!

    • mooselicker says:

      I heard him say that he does it on purpose. He knows people think he’s nuts. Mine as well look the part.

      You think Donald Trump has weird hair? You don’t hang with enough old people trying to look young 🙂

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