Wars

What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. That’s my feeling on 3D televisions. Most films aren’t shot in 3D. The ones that are usually are children’s or star blue animated people. Outside of the classic Home Improvement episode where they filmed in 3D, I don’t remember there ever being a big deal about seeing something on a TV pop out like it’s really there. What would they do? Have Neil Patrick Harris’s tie sway and almost hit you? Would Kim Kardashian’s ass come inches away from your face? I certainly don’t need the zombies on The Walking Dead reaching for my ears. If you buy a 3D television then you are basically saying let Joseph Kony kill children. That’s money you could spend in making a sequel to help take him down. Maybe this time it won’t be shot by a guy who masturbates in public. And we all know what masturbating in public leads to, war.

(Whoa! Whoa!)

The first war that ever happened was probably between a married couple. Back then when there were 8 people alive that was pretty big. People started having sex more and that made more people exist. Wars got larger. Weapons got bigger. Arguments were more petty. Two opposing sides would argue over who the forest that neither of them ever went into belonged to. It was a pretty violent time in those ages. Police didn’t get paid overtime and the pens had yet to be invented for laws to exist. Dark times indeed.

The first major wars that I know anything about are the old Greek ones. You know, Helen of Troy and other exaggerated stuff. The Greeks were big on overstating how epic something was. They said Helen of Troy was so beautiful that a war started over her. Thousands of men died because they wanted for another man to have sex with Helen. Have you ever met a hot Helen? That’s not even a Greek name. That’s something the chick with the fat lips who works in a library would have. The kind of girl you’re not quite sure if she’s retarded or not because she always wears overalls. Their big war was depicted in the movie 300. That’s a war that actually did exist unlike many of the other things the Greeks talked about. Do they really want us to think that they weren’t all homos? The men wore silk dresses with a bow in their hair. They were preschool girls with Democracy. Or am I thinking about Romans? Either way, I’m making up facts as I go along.

(A Modern Day Greek Warrior)

Jesus was born in the year 0. He was killed when he was 33 years old by the bastards of the time, The Romans. 33 years old is pretty young. Adam Brody is almost that age. I would hate if the nerd from The OC outlived Jesus. It’s not fair! Have I ever mentioned how annoyed I am by Italians? Look no further than the Romans. They were the Greeks with prettier women. I don’t believe the Romans made as many great contributions to society as others may. They invented straight roads? Who would invent a crooked road? That seems like more work. They pretty much killed whoever they could in Europe but eventually the walls came tumbling down basically overnight. They blamed Uranus, the made-up God of the asshole.

My history between Jesus dying and Christopher Columbus is very hazy. I’m American. Be happy that I acknowledge the existence of Palestine. There were lots of wars during that time period. Guys like Genghis Kahn led the charge. One in every six people living right now are related to Genghis Kahn. I’m not. No white people are. So that pretty much makes 98% of all Asians related to him if you want to really get down to the numbers. That’s kind of sick. That would mean every time you see two Asians holding hands you’re seeing incest. Stupid Genghis Kahn. Couldn’t keep his dick behind his weird bearskin flap that he probably wore.

The Crusades was the other big war during this time period. I think there were about 80 of them. At some point you have to call it quits. You’d think if you were going somewhere in the name of God yet kept failing that God might be sending you a message to let the people living there at the time be. But the English knights needed things like the Holy Grail which Jesus drank out of. What would they do with the Holy Grail once they had it? Would all of the knights in the round table get to take it around for the day like the Stanley Cup? If I found the Holy Grail I would make Harrison Ford fight the Monty Python guys for it. I doubt either side would care. Maybe Harrison Ford would. He hasn’t done much since Air Force One. I blame Liam Neeson.

(Just because your wife died doesn’t mean you should steal jobs away from Harrison Ford. Take your Scottish accent back to wherever you come from)

When the United States of America was discovered it meant more wars started to happen. England of course was always fighting with France. Those two are so silly. It’s like Chinese people fighting with Japanese people who they always did. I think it’s because back then you had to kill someone and you could only kill those closest to you. Pakistanis would have loved to have killed people in Ecuador. Too far though. And what could they fight about? Who makes a Subway sandwich faster?

Wars took place all of the time in the United States. We wiped out all of the Indians, almost. A few fled to casinos, the rich snobs. America’s first big war took place for their freedom from England. That was called the Revolutionary War. One teacher told me that we weren’t really free until we won the War of 1812 which took place sometime in the 1800s. That’s when our national anthem The Star Spangled Banner was written. A man named Sir Francis Scott Key wrote it. I know, what a faggy name. Our national anthem is pretty gay. It’s impossible to dance to though which is my biggest problem with it. I like to be able to dance during a moment of silence, you know? So things aren’t so somber.

Then came shit wars like Mexican-American War where men in raccoon hats were heroes. Yuck. The Civil War was pretty cool and even had a song by Guns N Roses about it. I won’t go much into the war. Listen to the song instead. Overseas the Russians were fighting the Japanese in the Russo-Japanese War. I had a baseball coach with the last name Russo. He was a dick. That’s why I would have rooted for Japan.

(Coach Russo informing his son Matt that he is already growing up to have an apple-shaped figure)

The century turned and we had two World Wars. Both of them were called the wars to end all wars. Really they were the wars that led to more wars. Korean War, Vietnam War, wars in the Middle East over riverbanks, and countless others were spawned because of previous wars. Even our current wars you could trace back to WWII. I was going to do it but I think I might be wrong. I’m still going to live by that statement though.

I don’t think war is ever a good answer to a problem. It never solves anything and leaves too many people dead. What good are dead people? Yeah we can experiment on them and finally say how shitty they were without feeling bad, but war still isn’t the answer. Let’s drop rhymes, not war crimes.

Beverages

Water is one of the three things we as humans cannot survive without. The other two are air and college football. I mean really, how can anyone live without rooting for the Longhorns? Their orange hats with the dead cow skull on it, that image gives me life. Of course water isn’t the only option when it comes to quenching your thirst. Today we will discuss those other mouth-watering beverages that help keep us alive or kill us after we drown in it.

Milk is the only thing I seem to drink other than water now. It’s a good source of protein, has lots of vitamins, it’s white, and it comes out of tits. What more could you want from a beverage? There are different kinds too. There’s fat-free for you fat people trying to lose weight, there’s 1% for you fat people who accidentally buy it after thinking it’s fat free, there’s 2% for people who like whole milk but are too self-aware of their fatness that they’re trying to scale it back a bit, and there’s whole milk for those who just don’t care about the way they look. I drink fat free and 2%. I should probably drink only 1% because that would average out. But I don’t want the cute girl at CVS who always chews gum and never makes eye contact to think I made a mistake. I already blew it by wearing the same shirt in there two days in a row.

(It is a nice shirt though)

Milkshakes are a more advanced version of milk. Usually these are high in fat and have little pieces of candy in them. If your mouth isn’t watering right now then you’re not reading this. Milkshakes are so delicious. The only person that ever existed who didn’t enjoy a milkshake was Judas. He said that he was trying to lose weight and kindly ask that Jesus not have any milkshakes at his last supper because the temptation would be too much. Jesus obeyed and Judas still betrayed him. What an ass! I haven’t had a milkshake in a long time. I think at some point I would see the teenager pouring the ice cream into one of those tin cups and think “Wow has my life really come to hiding in my apartment drinking milkshakes and not letting anyone know about it?” That’s exactly how I would treat a milkshake. It’s like child pornography for me except more caloric. Nobody ever got fat looking at child porn. You get a lot of exercise looking over your shoulder making sure your wife doesn’t walk in. Don’t forget, it brings all the boys to the yard. Who doesn’t like boys in the yard?

(Four prisoners excited for the milkshake man to arrive to the yard)

Soda is a delicious beverage that goes well with meals. It has lots of flavors. I started to list them then realized I haven’t drank enough soda in the last year to remember any. I think there’s a blueberry variety. If not there should be. Soda comes in two basic varieties, regular and diet. I’m told that diet soda causes cancer. I’m also told that regular soda causes diabetes. So I guess soda is bad and kills people no matter what kind you get. It’s legal and is given to children. I think people are over exaggerating the dangers of soda. I used to drink it all the time and I turned out fine. Do you know who never drank soda? Judas. Him and his damn juice diet.

 (Judas Lalane with his juicer and a woman who can only possibly be a hostage)

Juice, you know the drink choice of traitors, is another option to drink. At any local covered bazaar you will find a huge variety of juices. I like juice commercials more than anything. It’s such an innocent drink yet all they do is shit on other juices. Juices really are the Republican candidates of beverages. All they do is sling mud. They say how “those other juices” aren’t 100% juice. Then they hold up two glasses or pour it on a napkin which proves nothing. Maybe my commercials are crossing over. Of course everyone’s favorite kind of juice are Capri Suns. We love hard to open juice packets with pointy straws. Whenever a bully comes and tries to take our juice we can easily kill him.

(The straw from my most recent Capri Sun juice sack)

Alcohol has at times been called the adult beverage. That term always makes me laugh. You have to be a certain age to rehydrate with this particular beverage? That’s insane! I think most of us could list more alcoholic drinks than we could juices. Sometimes alcoholic drinks are mixed in with juices. Then an uncle drinks it and touches someone or get in a fight when the police show up. I wouldn’t recommend drinking alcohol if you want to rid the world of your dry mouth. Alcohol is more something you drink to forget that your kid needs to be picked up at soccer practice. At least that’s how I understand it. This is the one beverage you cannot drink while driving. Well I guess you can’t drink baby blood either but who would drink baby blood? We all know it has very low nutrients and stains glasses.

(This mattress didn’t pass the baby blood test)

Sports drinks are basically juices but sold more expensively because Peyton Manning needs to be paid more millions. I never liked sports drinks. They always reminded me of the kids who made fun of me in school because that’s what they drank and were baptized in. Things like Gatorade and Powerade are top brand names. They have these fake things in them called electrolytes. They’re supposed to make you a better athlete. I don’t believe it. One time my friend Ramon drank a thing of Gatorade and went into a diabetic seizure. He struck out and ended our championship run. Point is, Hispanics have always been ruining my life.

(Emilio laughs with glee as he updates his Netflix queue while stealing my identity)

Smoothies are delicious. They’re a milkshake only slightly healthier. I guess it’s the difference between dying from being eaten by a lion and being eaten by zombies. Either way you’ve been eaten. I think I’d rather get eaten by a lion than zombies. Zombies means multiple. That means there’s a lot of pulling in each direction. I’d get yanked apart while they chewed on me. If a lion ate me I’d probably die right away. I wouldn’t even see my foot get pulled off by my zombie neighbors. I’d also feel really silly for getting caught by zombies. I’m a good climber which means I should survive zombie attacks much better than most. Lions are different. I can’t outrun a lion. There’s less to be embarrassed about. That’s why I like smoothies.

 

Sob Stories

I had a two paragraph introduction that involved an Indian girl getting her diaper changed in a library bathroom while I urinated only feet away. It seemed like too much of a distraction so I’d like to get right into the purpose of today without getting too detailed into child diaper changing station etiquette.

I had a choice of two places to sit down at the library. One was next to an old woman with reading glasses and the other was next to a guy with a hat. I sat next to the older woman. Perhaps she had a granddaughter. And maybe if I’m lucky I remind her of the guy who deflowered her in 1957, Mitch Timmons. She can relive some sick vicarious fantasy through her granddaughter. That’s what caused me to sit next to the older woman. Thank goodness I’m crazy. Sitting next to hat-face might have turned out worse.

(Mitch Timmons hanging out with his boy Sticky looking cool with their tucked in shirts and hatred off all things square)

Things were going smoothly as they always go at the library. I don’t think I saw the guy who I’m convinced is a huge drug kingpin. I won’t go into exactly why I think he’s a drug kingpin because it would seem racist. I am writing a television pilot based around him though so stay tuned for that to never go anywhere. The guy with the hat whom I will from now on call Bojangles began talking to the black woman next to him. She seemed like your average black woman in her 50s. She was well-spoken, wearing a purple blouse, and was looking at pictures of Oprah online then claiming that they were the same person. Bojangles began talking to her and I heard him mention that he watched some Boy Scouts event at the mall across the street earlier. “Great, a queer” I thought. “Better get out a rope to drag him through town” chimed in a mind reader pointing out my derogatory summation.

The conversation continued and if you haven’t figured it out by the name I chose for him, Bojangles mentioned that he was a homeless. I never would have guessed it either. He seemed like any guy in a band. My guess was he was 30-years-old tops. Basically, he looked too normal to have fallen through the cracks of society. I would have guessed he worked at Hot Topic and enjoyed watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. For a brief moment I thought to myself we could be friends. Then he started talking and I was happy with my choice of sitting next to Murder She Wrote.

(Angela Lansbury gets off on writing about brutal murders)

Further into his life Bojangles went with the black woman. They talked about how he had made a few mistakes. He had apparently gotten with the wrong girl. Because we of course all know, whatever a woman does a man should always follow. Dating a girl and that causing you to become homeless makes you the most pussy whipped man of all time. I’ve heard of guys ditching friends or seeing bad movies for a girl, but never doing so much where it led to you becoming homeless.

Not wanting to invite Bojangles to stay with her, the black woman asked him if he had any family. He said he did but they lived in New York and he didn’t want to bother them with his problems. That makes sense. Because a family isn’t supposed to help you out with things like having a place to live. I’ve said it before, but you need to be one shitty person to not have a single family member or friend to live with. How many bodies did Bojangles have to walk over to get to this place in his life? That place being at a South Jersey library on a Sunday afternoon. You know, heaven on earth.

The black woman was so kind she offered Bojangles information on a friend of hers who might be hiring for a construction job. At least that’s what I heard. I was starting to get really angry that my mind began to drift. Bojangles complained about how his ex-landlord screwed him over and stole his computers. Now you’re getting a little too James Bond for me. If my computer was ever stolen I’d probably follow-up with a police report. I started to think Bojangles was a liar. I knew for a fact that he was a liar when he said he comes to the library to read and I saw a really nice laptop in front of him. So there’s a homeless man giving out his sob story and he owns a laptop. I think his computers weren’t the only thing stolen by the landlord. I think that greasy Italian also took Bojangles’s sense of priorities. You can live your life however you want and prioritize it in any order. For me it goes Food-Shelter-Transportation-Phone-Computer. Something like that. Maybe toss in deep personal relationships with other human beings. I’m still undecided about that one. Bojangles has really turned me off from all human contact.

(Gee, I wonder what this evil landlord is going to get Betty Boop to do to him for her late rent payment)

Like any member of the downtrodden, Bojangles had complaints about politics. He went on and on about the city of Camden. You’ve probably never been to Camden. You’re reading this which means you’re alive. It’s not a very good city. Imagine an infant shitty blood. Now make that a city. You have Camden. Bojangles also made mention of how he used to own a pizza place in 1997. Well there goes my theory of him being 30. I was 10 when he owned a pizza place. The home run record was still 61. Fight Club was only a book. Osama Bin Laden was just a lanky Arab with bowlegs. How did Bojangles through all of this away to end up in the same place as I was? There’s nothing wrong with making mistakes. Starting over is sometimes the only way to get through a difficult time. But please, spare the sob story.

Entrance Themes

I do my best to make my life into a cartoon. It’s not too hard. Most people I know are very cartoonish. They do stupid things like buy devices to catch road runners or watch Glee. One thing that makes life very much like a cartoon is the entrance theme. You know, music that goes with a particular character. Lots of people have entrance themes. Every time a batter comes up to the plate in baseball music hits. When a wrestler comes out for a match, he has his own special music. Even the idiots Jay Leno interviews have some tune played for them as they walk to a couch that has so many famous farts imprinted in the cushion that it must be worth millions.

Today I would like to provide some entrance themes for a particular group of people. Politicians. I don’t know much about politics at all as my favorite radio program is Coast To Coast AM which discusses ghosts and aliens, not the fat cats in Washington. Not that there isn’t much of a difference between the paranormal as there is with politicians. Both scare the shit out of me. So here they are. Songs I think politicians I see people on Facebook complaining about. Like I said, I don’t know much about them. I’m just going off of their names, character flaws, and stereotypes. Feel free to contribute anything better than what I have.

Barack Obama – Back in Black by ACDC

I’ll start simple with this one. If Obama wins again, he should use this. Get it? Because he’s back and he’s black. I can hear your laughter from here. If he loses, perhaps he could go with something like Hey, Hey, My, My by Neil Young. We’d have to use the “Into the blue and out of the black” version which doesn’t exist, but Neil’s already redone that song so many times he can make it happen. I don’t know how this would work. Unless one of those blue Kentucky people I am obsessed with becomes president it wouldn’t make sense. Leave it to Neil Young to release the same song twice and change the order of colors and call it new.

 

Rick Santorum – Welcome Home (Sanitarium) by Metallica

This would need to be a cover version where instead of Sanitarium they say Santorum. The basic chorus of the song would go “Rick Santorum, leave me be. Rick Santorum, just leave me alone.” I don’t know much about Ricky. I do know that he seems to get shit on a lot by my massively liberal Facebook friends. I don’t get how you could hate someone so much that you post mean things about them on a Facebook status. That’s like the ultimate insult and always gets someone to change their vote, right?

 

Chris Christie – Tomorrow by Silverchair

You need to know the chorus to this song to get this joke. You also need to know that Chris Christie is one huge fat fuck. He’s the governor of my home state of New Jersey yet I have never heard anyone say a single nice thing about him. I know he’s screwed over the teachers and the cops. I kind of get why though. People are stupid and they want lower taxes but they also want teachers and cops to get paid a lot and be plentiful. You can’t have both. That wouldn’t make sense. Anyway, he’s still a fat fuck. Listen to the chorus where they say “fat boy” over and over again then you’ll see what a hoot this is.

 

Herman Cain – Big Dumb Sex by Soundgarden

This guy really fell off the radar. I think it had something to do with a sexual assault, no? I hope so. Otherwise this joke makes no sense. I guess I could add it into any politician. They’re all sexual perverts. The chorus to this selection is simply “I know what to do, I’m gonna fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck you-fuck you!” which is basically the summation of every politician ever. Both literally and financially.

 

Mitt Romney – Anything by The Killers

Way too easy. Mitt Romney is a Mormon and so is the guy from The Killers. I could go with a few different selections. “Can You Read My Mind?” for the people who think he’s a bullshitter who isn‘t letting us know what his intentions are. For those who think he’s great I could go in the direction of “Mr. Brightside.” But because I’m in charge here I will go with my favorite song by them, “Don’t Shoot Me Santa.” Nobody wants to get shot by Santa. If he runs on this platform, of preventing Santa from shooting my face, I may have to contemplate voting for him then not doing it.

 

Rick Perry – Paranoid by Black Sabbath

Have you figured out yet that I know nothing about country or pop music? This would have to be another cover song where the lyrics are slightly changed. Obviously instead of Paranoid it would be “Perrynoid.” I never understood the lyrics to this song as it’s Ozzy singing it. I don’t understand much of what Rick Perry’s thought process is on his beliefs. Let’s not change anything then. For the sake of giving this shit-bird a bad theme, he gets a Lady Gaga song since he hates gays so much.

 

Michelle Bachman – Bitch by Meredith Brooks

Need I say more? Simply read about Mrs. Bachman for 5 minutes and tell me she isn’t. I only know this song because my sister listened to this all the time when she was 5. She’s a Colombian drug lord now.

 

Newt Gingrich – The main theme from How the Grinch Stole Christmas by the dead guy who sings it

“You’re a mean one, Mr. Gingrich” has such an amazing ring to it. He divorced his wife while she had cancer. What a Michelle Bachman! He has such a weird name too. Like too weird where he will never be president. What’s with guys with names like Barack, Mitt, and Newt in politics? I miss the days of everyone being named George or Andy. The only difference between Gingrich and The Grinch is that Newt would never steal Christmas. He’s not nearly as smart as The Grinch to pull it off. Oh, I went there.

 

Ron Paul – Crazy Bus from the television show Arthur

Say what you want about Ron Paul, he’s nuts. That’s all you had to say? Okay then. He’s different. I will give him credit for that. I would love to have him as some sort of advisor. He pitches random ideas and when he comes up with something good we use it. I don’t think he’s presidential material. He reminds me too much of a normal eared Ross Perot, who by the way I voted for in the 4^th grade presidential election. He got 25 votes in the entire school of about 600. My friend’s older brother said that it was a good choice because Ross Perot likes sports. He wasn’t being sarcastic either. See where my political influences came from? No wonder the world is ending in a couple of months.

Pleas

The first time was cute. The first time for anything is cute. The first time man stepped foot on the moon, adorable! Look at silly Neil, bouncing up and down like a dog in a swimming pool. When Obama won the election I wanted to pinch his cheeks it was so cute having a black president. Even the first plane crash was pretty damn swell. You know, the old black and white footage of the plane with the wings flapping? You can’t help but laugh at the carnage that did not ensue and does now each time a plane does crash. If we went back to that old model, Lost would have been a 3 minute show and J.J. Abrams could go back to being named after Good Times characters like he should.

(President Obama looking so adorable at his inauguration in his big boy suit)

When things jump the shark, become too common, they lose their flair. It’s no longer interesting or admirable. What exactly is it I am referring to specifically with all of this? Pleas to celebrities to go on dates with the downtrodden. I’ll do my best not to shit on marines or cancer kids in this, but no promises.

If you don’t have any idea what I’m talking about, let me catch you up. There’s this trend going around where common folk like you and I ask celebrities out on dates. Usually they do it via YouTube. You know, the website with videos that doesn’t have any nudity. Yeah, I think it’s useless too. I’ve never watched these videos. Why would I? I have better things to do like eating and checking my dog’s poop for worms. Finally found some! My bucket list is getting shorter and shorter each day.

I’m not positive what my first experience with these entrapment dates was. I think it was a marine asking Mila Kunis out on a date. Hey, I’d love to go on a date with Mila Kunis. I’d even ask if she wanted dessert afterwards. I’d drive to a separate place for the dessert too for Mila Kunis. I don’t just do that for anyone. It’s usually you can get an appetizer and if you’re still hungry you can pick at what I have left on my plate when I’m done. To Mila’s credit, I don’t think she ever went on the date with the marine. She politely turned it down. She gets harassed and jerked off to all the time. You really think because you have a webcam and camouflage on that she should go on a date with you? Actually now that I think about it, she actually did go over to visit him. I’m not really sure and don’t feel like looking it up. Point is, Mila baby, you don’t have to ride in a black hawk helicopter to come and see me. I bet that marine didn’t even take you somewhere interesting to eat. I’m not pleading with you to go on a date with me, just suggesting.*

*I researched it and she did meet up with him. She went to a Marine’s Ball in one of the Carolinas. Sounds like a blast.

There seems to be a new one of these everyday on the Yahoo homepage, my number one source for news other than listening to high school girls gossip at the mall. Today I learned that Michelle is a whore. That was from the high school girls, not Yahoo. There’s nothing wrong with asking celebrities out on dates, it’s just–I don’t know. Corny. It’s desperate. There are plenty of beautiful people out there in the world as lonely and pathetic as you are. Try them. Maybe, and this is a real shot in the dark, you will be more compatible with a chick who works in an office than one who plays pretend in front of a camera.

(I’m sure she makes an awesome bowl of oatmeal)

Not always are these pleas from marines. Sometimes they’re from kids with diseases. Finally, sick children making use out of their own wish. I always thought what would happen if a Make A Wish Kid asked for his one wish to be having sex with a celebrity. My guess is they’d smother the child with a pillow immediately. No way they’re letting him into the pants of some Hollywood starlet. I know it’s great to ban together to get some kid a date with a celebrity and I’m mostly jealous that I’m not even allowed to fart near one let alone feel one up, but the all that effort to help the kid meet a celebrity crush doesn’t do anything. All your hard work spent on trying to fly in–Fibi from Friends? Kids think she’s sexy right?–could be better used in other ways. If the kid is dead in the water, for sure, get him whoever he wants. Force her to touch his soon to be dead body. Make her do some magic tricks for him like pulling a cure out of a hat. Maybe I’m harsh, but I think all this teaches us is nobody gives a shit about you until you’re dead or dying. Which is true.

I could never get a date with a celebrity crush. My life isn’t bad enough. I take care of myself, I’m not retarded, I’m probably going to be stuck on this rock called earth for a few more years. If I want a celebrity to screw, I do it the old fashion way. I break into her mansion and have my way. Or I work really hard to make a name for myself. Make them want me. I hate all kinds of free handouts. Especially when they involve putting guilt on some poor celebrity into having no choice but to tell you that your video was charming but they have to politely decline your request to stare at you awkwardly for 10 minutes while you blab about how much you loved her in some terrible movie. How can any other girl ever love you after you’ve publicly humiliated yourself showing how obsessed you can be with a stranger? She knows she’ll never live up to that. Why should she even bother?

Simply put, you’re a loser if you ever make one of these videos.

So here’s my first of many to come.

Off the record: I swear my delivery is much better in the second one I made. This took about 2 hours to figure out and that doesn’t include how long it took me to realize I needed to convert the file. I had originally done a very flamboyantly gay voice, but realized I couldn’t say certain words with a lisp, like anything starting with an S. I’m also adding a link to my YouTube channel I created on my blogroll so you can look at the other things I put up there. And for good measure I’ve added a picture of Ms. Malin Akerman at the end of this post because I will get more Facebook hits from that being the thumbnail used.

Majors

How do you make a friend in college? Same as anywhere else. You talk to them, earn their trust, share a deep secret about yourself, learn a deep secret about them, use them for a couple of car rides, threaten them with exposing their deep secret if they don’t let you copy their homework, admit your deep dark secret wasn’t true anyway when they threaten to do the same, and always high-five them when you spot each other on campus. It’s much the same as anywhere else. The hardest part of making friends is starting a conversation. That’s where the key to college friendships lies. The college conversation starter, asking someone about their major.

My college major was Radio/TV. I figured I listen to the radio and I watch TV. It’s destiny. All I remember about radio is the term “boxcar” which is something that nobody has to do anymore due to the fact that computers play all the songs. All I remember about TV class was white balancing and making sure the tripod was straight by having a little bubble be inside of a larger bubble. I was so bad at these classes that I only got A’s when it was mandatory to give an A if you did what you were told. During one filming session I was in charge of the camera. I had no idea how to use it and after an amazing 30 minutes of shooting the director went back to listen to it. No sound. I had plugged the chord into the wrong place. I blamed the cute actress who I’m pretty sure caught me peeing in the woods.

(Somewhere in here Dick Clark is waiting to die. That’s what we in the humor business call a callback joke! Too bad it took a few days)

I never made too many friends in college outside of the majors I had. Most of the kids were pretty weird. There was one girl I tried to make friends with. I made a joke about killing a dog and she laughed. I really wish I remembered what it was because never have I made a girl cackle like that before or again. I think she’s quarterback for the Eagles now. She was going to school for nursing. That’s about as far as we talked. We were in a group and I asked her what her major was. She said nursing. I said mine. Then we kind of sat there staring at each other and I added her on Myspace 5 months after classes ended. At least she accepted. Did she even know who I was? Probably not. She called me Tom at least twice.

 (She was one letter off and look how close the “i” and the “o” are. I forgive you tiny blonde girl)

It makes sense that such a boring topic would be the conversation starter for college kids. In general, people in college are pretty boring. At least us non-college kids can talk about our Target credit card bills and check engine lights. Kids in college don’t have those things in their life. It’s all about whatever their majoring in. That is their life. If you’re going to school for nursing, all you talk about are stethoscopes and diarrhea. Those majoring in philosophy quote dead Romans who believed the sun revolved around a flat earth. You know, guys who really had worldly knowledge despite never leaving their county or province. Students who say they major in anything that involve computers spend most of their time playing World of Warcraft. They don’t consider it a time waster. They say it’s research.

Even while not talking to other students, college kids are asked what their major is by adults. “You go to Shitface University? What’s your major?” could be an example of what someone might say to a college student upon finding out that they are a Rutgers student. Nobody really cares about what your major is. They always give the same reaction. They head pull back, possibly to the side, eyebrows raised, followed by an “Ohhh that sounds interesting” despite it never being. Unless your major involves flapping your asshole in my face and you are a hot college girl, I don’t really care what it is you’re studying.

After retiring from college no longer will people ask you what your major is. Now they ask you what you do. What I do is hope that someone I’m related to wins the lottery and I can just sit around getting fat until the day I die. That’s really what I’m doing. Through all of the work I’m only doing it in hopes that I somehow begin the butterfly effect that causes this rhetorical family member to win a jackpot. If you believe in the butterfly effect, as in a butterfly flapping it’s wings could cause a hurricane somewhere else, you have to believe that you might be responsible for the Japanese tsunamis last year. Really, that happened last March. I was pretty stuffy last March. Blowing my nose all the time. I claim ownership over the death of all of those Japanese people. That is if you believe in the butterfly effect which isn’t even what the film Butterfly Effect is about. Pretty poorly titled considering they mean different things.

(When will we hold butterflies accountable for all of the deaths caused in natural disasters? Go out and kill one today. You’ll save a lot of lives)

Only again will someone ask you about your major when they find out that you went to the same school. Or if they’re a nosey bitch. You might find yourself years out of school with some mustached retard at work claiming he also went to Shitface State, archrival of Shitface University. You’ll find out that you graduated the same year then he’ll ask you what your major was. Like that changes anything. You still didn’t know each other back then. It’s just something he’s saying to get into your pants. I don’t care if you’re both straight guys. If the conversation ever gets that horrendously non-eavesdrop worthy it means someone is trying to do something to someone else’s butt.

Stickers

Children love them. No I’m not talking about mass murders. Why would you think that? If anyone hates mass murders it would be children. Children are the one group of people who actually enjoy traffic. It gives them a longer amount of time to play their Gameboys or poke their sisters in the ear with their fingers. Rarely are children killed in mass. I don’t know why. It’s pretty easy to kill a kid. They strangle themselves with the chords on the blinds. How do you manage that? Kids are so fucking stupid. No wonder they love stickers so much.

I used to enjoy stickers. I enjoyed how you could place them on anything. I could take a sticker of a unicorn and stick it on an important document that it didn’t belong on. I remember in high school using blank stickers and writing bad words on them. I would stick them on cafeteria tables. They were removable which meant this caused little inconvenience. Now as I’m older stickers fly under my radar. No longer are they fun or something I ever think about needing. Stickers are like the problems in Africa to me. I know they exist but there’s nothing I can really do with or about them.

(This man, no different from the sticker on my windshield saying my car didn’t pass inspection)

Sometimes children are rewarded with stickers. I always thought that was a crappy prize. Even when I was a sticker kid I knew how lame that was. You did good kid, here, have a little piece of paper that you can place on another piece of paper. Then you have a paper covered in stickers. What do you do with that besides look at it once then throw it away? Sticker collages are no fun. It’s an excuse for not being able to draw. I think we should take all sticker collages and give them to the homeless for food. You eat enough paper you have to get some nutrients out of it.

My girlfriend still likes stickers. It’s okay because she’s 7. Huh? The law where I live is their age plus how many adult teeth they have. If it doesn’t equal 18, you’re committing a crime. I bought her stickers for her birthday last year. She actually wanted them. I think they were stickers of horses or pandas. I don’t remember. Something Asian. She loves little Asian stuff. I swear one day she’s going to move to Japan and nobody will ever hear from her again.

(The Japanese Mafia called The Yakuza. They’re very dangerous…I thought)

Adults have their own versions of stickers. We call them labels. It’s no different. You can call a guy “that darky” all you want but he’s still your son-in-law. I use a lot of labels at work. They’re helpful. They allow me to be more efficient. If I wasn’t efficient at my job then people might start to wonder why a human can’t do something a monkey can. I’m talking about a smart monkey of course. One that can do sign language. Did you know that an erect gorilla’s penis is 1.5 inches long? I know that and cannot remember how I know that. Figured I’d throw that in here because I’m all about giving out facts.

One place you should never put a sticker is on a wall. That is of course, a wall you are responsible for. I’ve been to friends bedrooms where they had stickers on the wall. Do they not understand the meaning of the word sticker? It sticks. Things that stick are irremovable. Boogers are sticky and almost impossible to get out of the girl in front of me on the elevator’s hair. The hardest place to get a sticker off of is a wood floor. I remember accidentally placing them there. I couldn’t get it off in one solid piece which was sad. A broken sticker? Nothing makes my inner child weep more. It’s a cracked image. Someone slaved away in a factory and possibly died to create that miniature image only for it to get stuck on your floor during a careless playing with action figures session. Think about that.

(When I was a boy I would eat my bananas then place the sticker on my shirt. It let the boys know I had high potassium and let the girls know I was not a sexual object)

Should I think stickers should be exterminated? Of course not. How do you exterminate something that isn’t living? Plus I will always have a fondness for scratch and sniff stickers. Is there anything more amazing than something that doesn’t smell nice until you scratch it? Science has paid off. I can see a sticker of a flower that smells like dirt.

Scorpion Kings

What makes a woman fall in love with a man? I’m told that it’s a sense of humor, unwavering confidence, a friendly smile, and a strong overall personality. That’s what I’ve been told by single women who will die alone. They expect too much out of a guy. Their dream men are in dime novels portrayed on the covers by Fabio. I do agree that it’s personality more than anything that attracts one person to another. This is a good thing. It allows us odd-looking human beings to find a mate. Thing is, there are some guys out there with no redeeming qualities yet they get the girl. What do these guys have that I don’t? Tattoos? Rock hard abs? Unemployment checks?

The film The Scorpion King is a pretty good example of a similar phenomenon. The main character portrayed by the people’s champ The Rock is on a mission of vengeance against some guy who I’ve never seen in any other movie. He gets Kelly Hu to fall in love with him by murdering a lot of bad guys. Yes, he’s The Rock. He’s shaped like a God, has a bright white smile, and he’s multiracial. What is it about multiracial people that we love so much? They’re like a buffet of nationalities. The point is, he never really does anything to get the girl to really like him. Yeah he protects her, but he’s also the one who kidnapped her. It’s a pretty shallow lesson when you think about it. She clearly only liked The Rock for his looks. Never did he do anything romantic. Unless you count getting shot in the back with an arrow romantic. I don’t. I’m not conservative enough for that.

(“Catch this!” I think this is the third time in a week I mentioned The Rock. I think I should be shot with an arrow for nerdness)

Other films have similar antics. Recently I watched the Ryan Gossling film Drive. For a movie called Drive, there wasn’t much driving. I am happy though that the Incubus song didn’t make an appearance. I can’t like Incubus based on the fact that their band name comes from a demon who impregnates girls on the night of their first period and their big song has the lyrics “Whatever tomorrow brings I’ll be there.” Whatever tomorrow brings? What if tomorrow brings her arriving at your place with your best friend in her pants? Stop being such pussies with an awesome band name. But anyway, in the film Ryan Gossling’s love interest falls for him almost immediately. I think all he did was help her with groceries. He has no real personality and never smiles. How can you love someone who never smiles? Yes, again like with the Scorpion King there’s a lot of saving and protecting. But policemen do that every day. That doesn’t make them sexy.

(Their interrogation tactics do!)

I haven’t seen it in a while, but Last of the Mohicans had a major love story to it. I don’t remember why or how they fell in love. It was love at first sight though. Similar to the whole Pocahontas shit. I’ve been through it before and I want to go through it again. There is no reason why John Smith could ever love Pocahontas for non-shallow reasons and vice versa. They spoke completely different languages. Didn’t she also die when he brought her back to England? Imagine that. He brought her back to meet his parents and she gets sick and dies. All that time she spent hanging around a raccoon yet it’s a head cold that kills her. John Smith was a shallow mind-controlling asshole.

The film Die Hard is guilty of this too in a way. Bruce Willis is separated from his wife and he goes to visit her in LA. He’s a New York City cop and he flies all the way out there for her stupid office party. He even brings her a big teddy bear. For you Europeans not familiar with the size of the US, that would be like flying from London to whatever is 3,000 miles away. After he manages to kill all of the terrorists single-handedly (the guy from Family Matters does kill Karl, I should give that bisexual black man some credit, yep the dad from Family Matters is bisexual) all of the arguments between he and his wife seem to be forgiven. I suppose if you follow through the series further their relationship doesn’t work out. So maybe this isn’t a very good example. But you did learn that Reginald VelJohnson is bisexual which could come in handy someday if you’re ever trying to get a threesome going.

(I guess when you own shirts like this you take whatever you can get)

Some credit should be given for any woman who has a thing with John Favreau on film. His characters are always so bleak and annoying. His face makes him even less appealing. As awful as his credits always are, he does have some charm and at least has a personality unlike so many action heroes. I could say the same thing about Ron Perlman. He’s basically Future John Favreau. What they have that these other love makers don’t are the things women in real life look for in a guy. These girls don’t just care about a strong moral code and the ability for their man to kill a lot of people.

So what is the appeal of a tough guy who doesn’t actually save the day? You know the type of person I’m talking about. Those Ed Hardy gangster wannabes with pencil thin sideburns. They always seem to get the girls. Girls with large breasts, thin waists, and empty heads. Dream girls. I need to have my family murdered. Then I will get vengeance and along the way meet a woman who will like me because I’m quiet and know how to kill men with my bare hands.

Visual Stimulations

I’ve never been all that into pornography. I know, a male born between the years of ever to present not being all that into porn sounds like a lie. I must be a rare commodity. I’m one in a million for real. I should tell this to girls more often. Say to them “Hey I’m not really that into looking at other people having sex. I truly am unique.” then they feel silly because we just met and they’re handing me back my change. Do you know what I hate about getting back change? I hate it when I get more than quarters in change back. I feel like they judge me that I keep the quarters. I need to do my laundry somehow. My breath, arm pits, belly button, and ass smell bad enough without having to wear dirty clothes. Don’t look at me funny when you see me going through my change. I’m doing it for your nostrils Indian woman at Dunkin Donuts with the nose stud. Stop trying to look 13. End Andy Rooney rant.

Despite my lack of pornographic aficionado-ism I do like looking as sexy images. Mostly in movies though. Without having the Internet at home or cable I have to make do with the DVDs that I own. Problem is I don’t really own any romantic comedies. Say what you want about their implausible plots and predictable endings. The stars of these films are usually attractive in some shape or form. All you have to do is ignore the crappy jokes, the moments of socially awkward attractive women falling down way more than humanly possible, and the tall handsome blue-collar men with beards that seem to have gone unnoticed by all other women on the planet who aren’t starring in this movie.

I’m looking at my DVD collection. That’s actually a lie. I’m sitting on my couch in the dark typing sitting on a blanket with butterflies on it. Let’s pretend I’m standing near my DVD shelf which also contains batteries, thank you cards, and a fingernail. Some of these movies are sexier than others. There isn’t much visual stimulation in some of them though. You may have to be a bit of a movie buff to know the exact scenes I’m talking about. If you’re unsure you should go out and watch it. Most of them are pretty old so I guess you can’t go out and watch them. Unless you’re one of those weird people who watch movies on their laptops outside. You don’t know how much I hope a rainstorm damages your movie night.

Full Metal Jacket:

Not a sexy film by any means. It’s a mostly male cast which could be a problem for a 110% straight guy like me. I can’t even eat the ends of hot dogs or mushrooms because of what they remind me of. Penises. I guess the best scenes to look at for sexual stimulation would be the famous “Me So Horny” part or the end when they kill the female sniper and she begs them to kill her. Sorry if that’s a spoiler. The movie is as old as I am. If you haven’t seen it yet that’s your own fault. The “Me So Horny, Me Love You Long Time” chick isn’t that terrible to look at. At least she’s not dying like the sniper in the last scene. I choose that part, the one with the Vietnamese prostitute over the one with the dying Vietnamese sniper. There’s nothing sexy about dying. The Grim Reaper doesn’t have enough sex appeal for me to ever enjoy it.

(The only marines you can see in this are fat or wearing glasses. We had nerds fighting in Vietnam. No wonder we lost)

Reservoir Dogs:

Again, another mostly male cast. The only instance I remember a woman appearing was the pregnant chick that Mr. Orange shoots in the car. Now you can’t really tell that she’s pregnant or anything. She’s only on-screen for a brief moment. What this means is that I wouldn’t feel creepy being aroused by an expecting mother. She does reach for a gun in her glove compartment and that’s what gets her shot. Chicks with guns are always sexy. I’ve never shot a gun, but would love a subscription to a magazine like “Babes & Ammo” if that’s even real. I’d go into something critical of the jumper the woman wears in the scene, but I won’t because I’m not quite sure if that’s what she was wearing or even what a jumper is. There’s not much of a choice for this film. I have to go with the pregnant lady that gets shot by the Lie to Me guy.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly:

I sure do love guy movies with guns. This Clint Eastwood classic, everything but the wagon painting shit of his is classic, does contain a few more woman than the previously mentioned. There’s the Spanish woman in the beginning whose husband gets killed. I don’t think she talks at all which is a plus when it comes to women. Then there’s the part when Angel Eyes finds the woman in the hotel and smacks her around a bit. Again, a pretty arousing scene to see a woman get slapped by a renegade cowboy. I’m kidding, sort of. There’s also a fat woman during one of the hanging scenes with large breasts. She doesn’t do much other than act disgusted at the crimes committed by Tuco, the Ugly. Am I boring you with my knowledge of this film? It’s my favorite so excuse me for that. Clint Eastwood at this point in his life kind of had a female model’s body too. Really tall and thin. If it wasn’t for his five o’clock shadow I would consider any scene he was in as visually stimulating.

(He even stands like a stuck up girl getting yelled at by her mother)

The Mighty Ducks/The Sandlot:

These are just about the same film. I was going to put Bad News Bears in here (I know the original and remake), but don’t feel like trying to come up with a reason why I find Marcia Gay Harden sexy. Too hard! The Mighty Ducks and The Sandlot mostly only have the moms who are sexy, sort of. The mom in The Mighty Ducks is a widow. You know what that means. She’s desperate for attention! The mom in The Sandlot has remarried Denis Leary. All this means is that she doesn’t mind having sex with Bill Hicks cover-comedians. I think the mom might also be Karen Allen who for some reason I do have sexual tension with. Yes, tension. The Sandlot also has the hot lifeguard. If she wasn’t 18 when that was filmed add in “hot to the children” to the last statement.

Fahrenheit 9/11:

Politics aside, this was a pretty good film. I agree less and less with Michael Moore the “moore” he opens up his fat mouth. I like that his last name is Moore because that’s always what he asks for, more. I know, silly fat joke. But stop complaining about the economy. You’re fat. You’re clearly doing well. I haven’t watched this film in a while. But if I had to find something visually stimulating about it I’d probably have to go with clips of Condoleeza Rice. She doesn’t really do anything for me in normal situations, but we’re going hypothetical. If I had never seen a woman before then sure, why not get with Condy? She’s got a nice smile–if you squint. She’s a powerful dominant woman who has proven that she can carry her own. That’s got to be a turn on for me, right? Okay, maybe I’ll skip this one. All of the 9/11 footage would make it almost impossible to get aroused at all. You could throw out as many nude girls as you want at me during this film, I just don’t think I could get anything out of it.

(Definitely the face I’d see if Condy ever read my blog)

What are the least sexy films you own? I bet you’re overlooking something. Really, stretch hard for it. This will be harder for men of course. Women could find SAW sexy if they’re into The Princess Bride. You know, for nostalgic reasons.

Regressions

It has come to my attention that one of my girlfriends has retired and returned home. She never knew that she was my girlfriend. We didn’t talk enough for that. I don’t think we talked at all. She was snide, cocky, and a bitch. That’s why during her return home to Rhode Island, I hope she gets mugged in Connecticut.

This particular girlfriend of mine was a waitress at a hotel bar. She had achieved the goal of every child. The world was hers. That wasn’t enough for this greedy waitress. She needed more. She had to go blowing it by getting into bar fights of her own nearly every night when she wasn’t at work. Her reputation became that of an angry drunk in bar fights. Imagine that. You work a job and everyone finds out that you suplex women off of bar stools in your spare time. I think I could kill a guy and nobody I work with would be none the wiser. Nosiness is annoying. But not as annoying as the poor women my girlfriend had been going around slapping while they enjoyed “Girl’s Night Out.”

(Now I get it. Girls are annoying while in groups and drinking. I’d hurt them too)

My girlfriend’s name was Fez. That wasn’t her real name. I forget how my friend and I came up with it. She was named after recently ousted homosexual, nature boy, and radio personality Fez Whatley whose real name isn’t even Fez. Fez of course also being one of those tiny little red hats with the string that crooners wear. I’m not sure what a crooner is or why they must wear this hat. This isn’t about hats! Shut up already!

(Fez wearing a fez back before he was an outted homosexual…yeah)

The first time I encountered Fez was around November. She was tall, thin, small-faced, dawning a ponytail, and had a red napkin hanging out of the side of her pants like a flag football player. Many times I was tempted to run up and pull it out, you know, to be flirtatious. Slowly we grew closer. One time we made eye contact. Another time she stood close to me for 3 whole minutes. Rounding up to the closest minute of course. Really, in another circumstance, like her finding me attractive, we were made for each other.

My friend and I insisted that she was looking at us. She went with her friend in the backroom, Dr. Nathan, and got in trouble for slacking off. What were they doing in that backroom? Probably gossiping about us. Wondering which one of us was hung better. Then they decided both of us must be so incredibly large and that it didn’t matter. Too bad our muscles and million dollar smiles were too much for Fez to work up the courage to talk to us. Oh and the fact that she was dating an ex-marine. I’m as far from a marine as possible. There’s not one thing we have in common. Monkey bars scare the shit out of me. They hurt my sensitive hands and the second time I broke my leg involved falling off them. Marines and terrorists are the only people who actually enjoy monkey bars. And I guess monkeys do too.

(I once broke my leg during a game of 2nd grade Hang Tough. I really should sue Larry Csonka)

I never got to meet Fez’s boyfriend. He worked there. Our bartender said she set them up together after Fez asked about Stretch Armstrong. A bit of a crushing blow to my ego. Fez didn’t ask about me? Whore. Of course after we found this, jokes about how he wouldn’t be able to have sex with her because the loud snapping sound of his balls smacking thighs would remind him of a Gatling Gun and cause him to duck and cover due to his Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, followed. I’m sure he’s a good guy and all. I still hope he gets shipped out again for my own selfish purposes. We haven’t invaded Cuba in a while. Let’s do it!

Fez’s most lasting image in my head will be that of when I saw her in street clothes. Outside of that pasty birthmark colored uniform she wears, Fez was a lot better looking. Tight pants, a tight shirt, gum snapping in her mouth like a gay cowboy chews jerky–she was everything I hate yet lust over. I knew seeing her this way that she was unattainable. Girls who look like that don’t notice guys who look like me. At best I’ll be mistaken for the guy who is there to wax her vagina. But that wouldn’t last very long. Once she drops her drawers and I have only scotch tape to tear it off, I’m fucked!

(Scotch tape, is there anything you can’t remove or put back together besides my childhood?)

The story of Fez ends with her losing her job for all of the local bar fights she got in and having to move back to Rhode Island. Yeah I know, I’ve heard that story a thousand times already. Fez is the ideal story of regression. She was really making it in the world and it all came crashing down. She had to move back in with her parents and her boyfriend, who she chose over myself, only barely talks to her now. I imagine somewhere in Providence, Fez is lying in a princess bed crying. She’s alone. No longer will she have my eyes drooling over her. Enjoy your life. I hope your parents don’t snore too loud.

“Rhode Island here we come, right back where we started from. Rhode Island!” – opening theme song to the television program The RI a spin-off of The OC

P.S. I found out the guy wasn’t a marine, but rather a member of the U.S. Coast Guard. Same difference, right?