Random Facebook Friends

Posted: March 5, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I am near black belt level of remembering the people I meet in life. Sometimes their names escape me. They will forever be known by other things like “gay kid from sports camp” or “gay kid from baseball camp.” As you can see, I went to a lot of camps and made a lot of friends with gay kids. Whether it was general sports or a more niche one, campgrounds are filled with little homos offering a trade of “show me yours and I’ll show you mine.”

Going through my Facebook, there are some people I have no clue who they are. Thing is, I never knew who they were. They were random people who added me. It’s different with Facebook than it was with Myspace. Myspace was about meeting new people. That’s why it was so great at first. Do I need to remind you how many girls offered themselves to me on that website? Well, 4. Half of them were underage. Still, that’s more than Facebook. Myspace was awesome because you could spy on people and they could spy on you. A random girl could be browsing, look at my profile, then think that I was awesome. Then we could talk a little more and she could realize I wasn’t that great. At least I knew where I stood. With Facebook I’m lost in the woods.

(Facebook makes me feel like the Blair Witch is after me. I have no idea what’s going on and my nose runs a little too much)

I wonder this about random Facebook friends, who the fuck are they? They usually don’t have very many friends in general. Or they have a lot. I’m not referring either to the people you have a few friends in common with. Usually these are just friend whores. Instead I’m focusing more on those completely random out of the blue can’t find any connection with individuals. They baffle me. I need to find out more.

The thing about this phenomenon, yes like the John Travolta lightning movie, is that they’re almost always men from Eastern Europe or the Middle East. Something happens on that side of the world. Maybe they’re friendlier. They’re more willing to take risks because their lives in general involve more risk. There’s that and then there’s they’re perverts. If you’re a girl and a random guy adds you, he’s a pervert. I added one random girl on Facebook ever. We were Facebook friends for 23, yes like the Jim Carrey number movie, minutes. We had two friends in common. Why did I add her? She was hot and had very large breasts. I was lonely and felt like rolling the dice. I didn’t get a chance for her to say to me “Do I know you?” and for me to reply with “Yes” and freaking her out. I have since avoided adding random people. Unless you count the cute waitress I stalked and tried to add. But I mean c’mon, she must have seen me 50 times and even said hi once. It can’t be that creepy. It’s not like I post pictures of her on my blog…

(This isn’t a picture of the girl I tried to add on Facebook randomly. She’s just some random Google Image who came up from searching waitress. I wanted for a second you to think that I really would post pictures of random people I stalk)

I did have a girl add me randomly on Facebook. Her name was Nena Fitriyani or something very similar. She was from Indonesia and always called me Mister. She deleted me after I took one of her random pictures of her singing karaoke with friends and tagged friends of mine in it. I guess Indonesian humor doesn’t involve practical jokes. It’s more about tsunamis and–what else is Indonesia even known for?

(Didn’t a man with funny hair and a bad reality TV show say Barack Obama was born in Indonesia?)

I wouldn’t mind random people adding people if they had something to say. They never do though. They add you then never do a thing. This always throws me for a loop. I hate when people try to make a connection with me and don’t say a thing. I feel like a prostitute. You’re using me as a number to boost your popularity. At least say hello or like something I posted. Otherwise you’re clearly spying on me. You only added me hoping you could find out that my life was worse than yours. The joke is on you. I don’t post enough about how much my life stinks on Facebook. It’ll remain a constant mystery for you unless you’re reading this. In that case, my life rules.

I’m now led to the idea that there are others who have at some point seen me on their friends list and thought “who is this guy?” That’s a pretty shitty feeling. I don’t add people I haven’t met in person. Unless they’re some sort of celebrity. I’ll always add a celebrity. I have this fantasy of a celebrity seeing something I posted and making me famous. Or having sex with me. But isn’t having sex with a celebrity kind of like becoming famous? Or are you just another number to boost their popularity? I will never understand a thing about the beautiful and successful people of the world.

(Malin Akerman, I don’t get you, but I love you and you are the inspiration for everything that I do. More on that to come)

What makes a random person add someone on Facebook? The only thing most people can see about another is the main picture. Was I that attractive to the Iranian guy who decided to befriend me? Does that skinny old man who added me named Romes Forel have some infatuation with my image? I guess I should take what I can get. When a random person adds you on Facebook, it’s reassurance that you look like a friendly person. At the very least, you look like someone who could easily provide them with some sick torture fantasies. Look at the random friends you have on Facebook and tell me you can’t imagine them starring in a torture porn. On the rubber end of the knife too.

Comments
  1. Pete Howorth says:

    I often add random people on Facebook when I get bored just so I get a message saying, “WHO RU?!” And I reply with “Your real dad.”

    Most recently I’ve been adding everyone with the name Peter Howorth. 😀

  2. Lily says:

    Haha I like Malin Akerman too, for some weird reason. She’s never in anything good, but she’s likeable. Also, I think she was born in Sweden. So I like her for that reason. Facebook is pretty weird. I’ve gotten plenty of creepy friend requests. No so much any more though. I used to have 800 friends or something. No one should know that many people. I deleted a lot of them so now I’m down to 400. That was exhausting.

    • Mooselicker says:

      She couldn’t look ugly if she tried. She moved to Canada from Sweden too. See, you have a connection there.

      I can’t imagine the Facebook creeps girls get. I think maybe twice ever did a female randomly try adding me. Of course I accepted it and assumed she was secretely in love.

      I random a contest advertisement before a movie a few years back where “you and 500 friends can go see Aerosmith” Now with Facebook you could just invite them all. Back then that seemed ridiculous.

      • Lily says:

        I just like the fact that your first thought is that everyone must be secretly in love with you. I have a similar thought process. It seems like the only logical explanation.

      • Mooselicker says:

        It’s bound to be right one day. Buy enough lottery tickets, eventually you win.

  3. I’m an anti-facebook sort of person. I maintained my children and Paul (3 total) as my only friends for a few years. Then somehow Lily talked me into adding a few more and I got up to like 5 or 6 which made me really nervous. (it’s too invasive) Now I don’t do facebook at all which I think makes me a cool cat.

    Malin Ackerman is in Wanderlust so you may have to go sit through a bad movie if you want to see her on the big screen.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I almost saw that yesterday. I couldn’t remember if you liked it or not. Then my girlfriend read the description and we decided to pass and rent Cowboys & Aliens instead.

      Somehow my dad got up to 76 Facebook friends. I think he’s starting to make people up. You’re definitely on the cool end of things knowing what one is but not having it. I bet you wear your sunglasses at night.

  4. This is you at your meandering best! You always make me feel as if I learned something, but I am not sure what. Or maybe it is learning too many things too fast. Your good points come too fast. My brain is not equipped to handle that, so I have to read each line over at least once.

  5. I think I only have people on my friends list that I have met in real life. To be honest I only really use it to post my blog updates on and that is done automatically.

    Yay me.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Same here. Sad thing is I get more clicks via Facebook when other random people post my stuff there. I got 17 one day from some stranger. The record I got from myself was 8.

  6. Addie says:

    I had facebook just to play WwF, then, I canceled it.

    *poof*

  7. I refuse to add people I don’t know. Someone found me after going to poetry camp with them about 10 years ago and even then I wanted to make sure they weren’t creeping. He never responded to me so I refused his friend request. I’m cold-hearted on FB. About new friends! The rest of the time I only post my blog posts or what dumb things people search to find my blog. I used to have an unhealthy addiction to FB. Now? It’s to WP.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I was like that with Myspace. I was always worried a principal would spy on me there then have mine deleted. I was convinced I had so much great shit posted on there that it would be the end of the world if it was ever deleted. I guess I feel that way about my blog now. If it were deleted, some 230+ posts of magic would be gone from the world. I’ve been meaning to go through each post to see if there’s anything groundbreaking.

      Are you sure Poetry Camp Creep didn’t have a sonnet he wanted to share with you?

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