Your Girlfriends

Posted: March 6, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I’m sitting in the car in who knows where New Jersey. To give you a time frame of when this took place, a new song by Audioslave plays on the radio. It’s a bad one. Chris Cornell needs to hang it up. I forget where I was originally going. I think Seaside. But I’m not there. I took a detour into the woods and saw a random couch. This was in the Pine Barrens. Home of the Jersey Devil. Nowhere near the hockey team. But now it’s nighttime. My friend was doing the driving and we’re nowhere near Seaside Heights, location of Jersey Shore if you’re not familiar with historic landmarks. We can see it across the bay. Instead we’re at some other shit place. Alone, at 10pm at night near a bay with an overturned trash can. How did it get overturned? I kicked it. I’m an angry teenager. It’s what I do. My friend decides to open up to me. He tells me that there’s a girl he’s interested in. He likes her. She likes him. Then comes the moment where he whips out his camera phone to show me a picture. He prefaces it with “I know she’s a little big, but–” And I immediately make a bet that this relationship will not last.

(I’d also like to place a bet that at least 3 of these girls have herpes)

Yes, she is a little big. Upwards and sideways. That wasn’t a necessary prologue to the picture. It was my first thought seeing the picture. Of course the relationship didn’t last. He was embarrassed of her. The first sign that you hate your girlfriend, you insult her before I even see a picture.

To be kind, this friend in particular isn’t the only one who has done this. Sorry ladies, but guys do this a lot. I never have. I haven’t had a camera phone for even a year yet. You see, I’m old fashioned. I don’t openly insult someone I’m dating unless they deserve it. I also don’t wear buttons because they’re too fancy. How do I get my pants off if there’s no button? You’ll have to come over to find out.

I can think of a few other instances where I was presented with pictures of girlfriends of friends and they said something pigheaded about the girl. “I know she’s a little heavy but–”, “I know she has a weird nose but–”, “I know she’s Jewish but–” and almost always following the butt is a comment about how she has a great sense of humor or pert rack. I think it’s a silly thing though to have to defend who you’re dating. You shouldn’t have to do it. I’m not some oppressive father. I’m not going to judge you then beat you for attempting to cancel out our pure bloodline. Starting off with something negative makes me automatically assume the worst. You’ve open the flood gates of insults forever. And trust me, if I don’t like her, I will never hold back.

The thing about it is I never knew how to react when these situations popped up. What do I say “Yes, she sure is fat. Looks like you’ll be going on a lot of dates to the Chinese Buffet around the corner.” Around every corner is a Chinese Buffet where I grew up. Never a Chinese person. But if a large group of Chinese people ever did enter the town, there would be plenty of food for them. Usually my response is to defend the poor girl whose boyfriend hates her. I guess I don’t defend so much anymore. I’ll say things like “Meh she’s not bad-looking though.” Then he’ll agree and feel better. Sometimes I get into discussions that she would look better if she lost some weight. Well who wouldn’t? But then there are some people who would still be ugly. They have weird chins or improperly dried faces. You know, faces that look like they weren’t supposed to be put in the dryer but were. I wish I could think of an example outside of someone I went to school with. Think the old guys from the Muppets, sort of.

(Statler and Waldorf, they look exactly like half the girls guys I know have dated)

I’ve never shown pictures of my girlfriend to anyone. Not that I’m embarrassed of her. Just I have no one to show them to and most of the pictures I take of her on my phone are of her butt. Sometimes she likes pictures of her butt taken. Other times I have to trick her and say she dropped something. Nevertheless, if my phone ever goes missing they will know how much I like butts.

(Shouldn’t he be falling through the asshole of this butt?)

I did show two friends a picture of one girl I was sort of dating once. They didn’t believe me that I even knew her. We were in a Barnes and Noble parking lot arguing about it. I pointed out the girly handwriting on the back and they said I probably had my sister do it. What kind of sick person would have his sister write a fake note for him on the back of some pictures? Maybe the same person who carried around a picture of someone he didn’t even know claiming she was his girlfriend. I swear, when I did that I had a really good reason. I can’t remember what it was, but back then it made perfect sense.

Sharing pictures of your girlfriends is fine. I love seeing pictures of girls. All kinds of girls doing all kinds of things. When you do it, I almost think you’re saying in a secret way “Hey, if you’re ever bored or anything, you know, give her a call. I’m not very good at pleasing her.” Which nobody ever actually says. My life isn’t that perfect. But be courteous to your girlfriend. If you’re going to go around showing pictures, brag about her. Say what feature on her body you enjoy most. Maybe I can agree with you and you can have a creepy cuckold fantasy of watching me with her. I don’t know. I’m not in your head. I can’t decide what it is you think about in your spare time.

(But they can)

  1. It’s a shame that everyone is always judging the way someone looks and not their other qualities. I understand that chemical attraction is what draws you in but at some point, the personality and the person’s spirit has to win out. Looks fade. 99% of the good looking guys I knew had the worst personalities. I’d much rather be with the interesting, imperfect looking guy, with the great sense of humor, any day of the week.

    I think it’s sensitive and kind that you say something nice and make the other person feel good.
    Timisgoo ; )

    • Mooselicker says:


      It’s strange how overnight that seems to happen. We just stop being shallow at some age…most of us.

      I remember an ugly friend of mine sharing a quote that said something like “Good looks get you in the door, but a good personality is what keeps you there.” He had a bad personality too. I don’t know what he’s doing with himself.

  2. Lily says:

    I would do the same thing as you. Mentioning how they’re good looking or something. That’s really what people want to hear. They might just be saying those things before they show you because they want people to know that they know. Like as a protective thing maybe? In fear that if they didn’t someone would be a douche and point out the obvious. Ugh who cares? I hate that society has made people afraid to date people who look a certain way. I agree, people should be proud of who they date, not say a disclaimer before you even see them.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Definitely a protective thing. Like someone is really going to show a picture of their girlfriend and the response will be “Break up with her, she’s got a horse face.” I couldn’t careless who other people date and I think it works both ways. As long as it wasn’t someone I was pursuing be my guest.

      We all secretly want to be a power couple. I blame TMZ. Especially that blonde guy.

  3. Do you have pictures of your own butt on your phone, or is that going too far?

  4. Sir Mix a Lot should indeed be falling through the asshole of the pictured ass.

  5. Addie says:

    I’m mixed on my reactions here. I think for one, I’ve grown accustomed to your dry wit, and, I kept waiting for the punchline. Discovering this was serious meant I had to go back and read it without skipping about as I’m prone to do when reading blogs.

    It’s terribly honest, and, in that honesty, terribly sad. I appreciate your forthrightness on the issue at hand–it’s not always a comfortable place to be, is it?

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m calling out other people on their BS which I’m actually growing more comfortable with. It is a sad truth. Most truths are.

      I like when someone lies to me and I say “I know you’re lying but that’s okay–” then continue on. I think I only did that twice, but it was powerful.

  6. It’s because they are insecure. Even if their girlfriend was slim or attractive the relationship probably wouldn’t last as their insecurities would show up elsewhere.

    They would probably get insanely jealous instead.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Me friends with insecure people? Never!

      You’re dead on. There isn’t a more perfect word to describe a redheaded kid who tries dying his hair black because girls don’t like him enough. He also joined the army to get in better shape. What a shit. I hope for some reason he’s reading this.

  7. Stuck in a tree says:

    I miss the dancing penguins!

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