Turning Corners

Posted: March 7, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Life isn’t easy. There are twists and turns. Literally. Most buildings have corners you have to walk around. This seems to be problematic for lots of people. Today, an instruction guide on how to properly walk without crashing into me.

In America, we drive on the right side of the road. What that means is that we walk on the right side of wherever it is we’re walking. I’m sure in England they do the same except on the left. It makes more sense to me the way we have it in the United States. Drive on the right, sit on the left side of the car. That’s probably why you never hear about famous British musicians beating people up in cars, because most people are right-handed. Had Chris Brown been English, he would have had to beat Rihanna with his left hand. He’d look awkward throwing punches with it. So there’s good where there’s bad.

Even with these rules written, I find myself getting into those awkward games of chicken with other people way too often. The joke where you can say “you go right, I go left” then you laugh as you realize your left is their right moment. What happens with these is that we anticipate where the person is going. We think they look like they’re about to shit so we might go left even though we know we should go right. The bathroom is on the right. We’re trying to be nice and allow them to shit quicker. A simple way around this that I found, stop and stand still. Let them walk around you. Become one with nothing. This is actually fun in big crowds. Everyone is forced to walking around you and it causes more of a foot traffic jam. But you’re safe. You’re in the middle of it all. It’s exhilarating in a sad sort of way.

(Like here, where my friends Milton and Wilma are blocking traffic. Times Square is nothing but 4 walls of advertisements. Stop getting your picture taken there random people I found on the Internet and gave fake names to)

Doorways seem to be another problem for people. I guess the rule is “ladies first” which I try to do. But what if it’s too ladies? Does the one with the bigger tits get to go first? Yes. But what if it’s two men? You can’t necessarily go by genitalia size. That involves too much assuming and racial profiling. I say, if two men enter a doorway then you fight it out. Run right at each other. Prove Charles Darwin’s theory to be true.

Most importantly, and you know it’s important because I made a diagram, is how to properly walk around a corner. See below:

Ignore the yellow sun (if you can even see it)  that I added in for flavor. The picture felt like it was lacking something. I figured sunshine always makes things better. Except for skin cancer. Sunshine makes that worse. The black represents the corner. The red represents paths that should be walked. Take note of the arrows. That represents the direction being walked. Why am I talking to you like you’re retarded?

Anyway, it’s courteous to make a wide turn when going around a corner on your left. I call that a “fine ass” turn. You should walk in the shape of an ass that is fine. When the corner is on your right, please do hug the corner. Keep as close as possible. Stand your ground. Don’t let these people who don’t know how to properly walk into your path. Way too often am I bumping into others who turn left and hug the corner. I don’t mind bumping into people when they spill something on themselves. But when we have to bump and one of us mouths “excuse me” and the other makes a weird noise is a bother. It’s too easy to avoid.

By the way, the same goes for people in wheelchairs. Follow the same rules. You also have another rule, don’t wind up your wheels and let yourself glide. I don’t know if anyone actually does this but that seems really dangerous. If I’m not allowed to sit on a swivel chair and shoot a fire extinguisher for leverage, you’re not allowed to have fun with your handicap.

(This is why we cannot allow the disabled to leave the house)

Comments
  1. Pete Howorth says:

    No wonder Batman never saves anyone in real life, his motor chair never gets him there in time.

  2. The idea of driving in England, always terrifies me. I feel like I’d get into an accident in the first 5 minutes. Some people have no problems making the switch. I can’t even ride in a taxi over there without gasping and clutching the hand rail every time we go around a corner. It’s the scariest feeling. Didn’t matthew Broderick crash and kill someone while driving over there? That would be me.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I really hope that Matthew Broderick factoid you bring up is true. That’s such a silly image in my head to think Ferris Bueller’s life turns out that way.

      I think I’d be the same as you. Maybe scream a little higher pitched.

      • Yeah, he definitely did. And in fact, he had Jennifer Grey with him, the girl that plays his sister in Ferris Bueller. It was a bad wreck and the guy in the other car was killed. It might have happened in Ireland? Anyway, his career sort of took a nose dive after that, he gained weight and married Sarah Jessica Parker and looked depressed for a long time. I guess I would be too if I accidentally killed someone?

      • Mooselicker says:

        I always thought Godzilla ruined Matthew Broderick’s career. Maybe he made that movie so that people would forget he was a murderer.

        He should have told cops Jennifer Grey’s nose was in the way of his blind spot. I would have believe him.

  3. You never fail to make me laugh out loud!

    My standard response to people who want to walk the same way I’m walking and are in my way is to throw up my arms and ask them if they care to dance. Yes, I do do this to strangers. They either laugh or get the hell out of the way of the crazy lady. Either way, they move!

    By the way, I felt your sunshine added a nice touch to the diagram. 😀

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thank you for appreciating the sunshine I try to bring to everyday life.

      I like your idea. I could see myself almost bumping into you, then you say that and you forever become the crazy dancing lady. I would love to try that but I know that they actually will dance and they will see just how uncool I really am.

  4. Lily says:

    I agree 100%. In England, I assumed the same as you–everyone walks on the left. NOPE. They walk wherever they please. It frustrated me to the extreme. People will actually shove into you and not even bother to say excuse me. One time I even got teary eyed because someone knocked something out of my hand and didn’t even turn around to say sorry. What a whore. So I have learned that in England you just have to be ruthless. And you’ll fit right in.
    Nice diagram. Have you ever considered art school?

    • Mooselicker says:

      Have you considered shutting your face?

      I’m starting to think England is the exact cartoon I imagine it to be. They really do seem to live like there is no tomorrow. I’m surprised that prostitute didn’t help you out. Doesn’t she know Jack the Ripper was never caught? She should be next.

  5. I would not have been able to do it without that handy diagram.
    The world needs more diagrams. Please get on that as soon as you can.

  6. Oh, and the Italians need a diagram so they can figure out how to stand in line. (That sounded vaguely racist…all I mean is that the Italians don’t naturals form lines, like around a ticket window, but rather a jostling mob, so it might help if… oh, never mind)…

  7. breezyk says:

    I hate those awkward games of chicken- I distinctly remember having one with my high school principal in the mall when I was in grade 11. You can only imagine how mortifying this was for me

    • Mooselicker says:

      Oh no! Say it ain’t so! Was he/she at least coming out of some embarrassing store? In 6th grade some girls in class said they saw our teacher Mrs. Kroelinger buying a leopard printed thong at the mall. Mrs. Kroelinger never struck me as a thong woman. But it does explain the stick up her ass mentality she lived by.

  8. Addie says:

    I printed out the diagram, had it laminated and will carry it with me always. Should I go back to England, I’ll ignore it and any car that has Matthew Broderick inside said car.

  9. Where do you come up with this stuff?! 🙂 It’s nice to see your face, by the way! Im used to seeing the penguin.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I ran into a big titted Jewish woman 2 times in one day. It really bothered me because she’s gross. I figured I’d help out other people with similar problems.

      I’m already getting sick of seeing my face on here.

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