Turning Corners

Life isn’t easy. There are twists and turns. Literally. Most buildings have corners you have to walk around. This seems to be problematic for lots of people. Today, an instruction guide on how to properly walk without crashing into me.

In America, we drive on the right side of the road. What that means is that we walk on the right side of wherever it is we’re walking. I’m sure in England they do the same except on the left. It makes more sense to me the way we have it in the United States. Drive on the right, sit on the left side of the car. That’s probably why you never hear about famous British musicians beating people up in cars, because most people are right-handed. Had Chris Brown been English, he would have had to beat Rihanna with his left hand. He’d look awkward throwing punches with it. So there’s good where there’s bad.

Even with these rules written, I find myself getting into those awkward games of chicken with other people way too often. The joke where you can say “you go right, I go left” then you laugh as you realize your left is their right moment. What happens with these is that we anticipate where the person is going. We think they look like they’re about to shit so we might go left even though we know we should go right. The bathroom is on the right. We’re trying to be nice and allow them to shit quicker. A simple way around this that I found, stop and stand still. Let them walk around you. Become one with nothing. This is actually fun in big crowds. Everyone is forced to walking around you and it causes more of a foot traffic jam. But you’re safe. You’re in the middle of it all. It’s exhilarating in a sad sort of way.

(Like here, where my friends Milton and Wilma are blocking traffic. Times Square is nothing but 4 walls of advertisements. Stop getting your picture taken there random people I found on the Internet and gave fake names to)

Doorways seem to be another problem for people. I guess the rule is “ladies first” which I try to do. But what if it’s too ladies? Does the one with the bigger tits get to go first? Yes. But what if it’s two men? You can’t necessarily go by genitalia size. That involves too much assuming and racial profiling. I say, if two men enter a doorway then you fight it out. Run right at each other. Prove Charles Darwin’s theory to be true.

Most importantly, and you know it’s important because I made a diagram, is how to properly walk around a corner. See below:

Ignore the yellow sun (if you can even see it)  that I added in for flavor. The picture felt like it was lacking something. I figured sunshine always makes things better. Except for skin cancer. Sunshine makes that worse. The black represents the corner. The red represents paths that should be walked. Take note of the arrows. That represents the direction being walked. Why am I talking to you like you’re retarded?

Anyway, it’s courteous to make a wide turn when going around a corner on your left. I call that a “fine ass” turn. You should walk in the shape of an ass that is fine. When the corner is on your right, please do hug the corner. Keep as close as possible. Stand your ground. Don’t let these people who don’t know how to properly walk into your path. Way too often am I bumping into others who turn left and hug the corner. I don’t mind bumping into people when they spill something on themselves. But when we have to bump and one of us mouths “excuse me” and the other makes a weird noise is a bother. It’s too easy to avoid.

By the way, the same goes for people in wheelchairs. Follow the same rules. You also have another rule, don’t wind up your wheels and let yourself glide. I don’t know if anyone actually does this but that seems really dangerous. If I’m not allowed to sit on a swivel chair and shoot a fire extinguisher for leverage, you’re not allowed to have fun with your handicap.

(This is why we cannot allow the disabled to leave the house)