It amazes me that the best detectives of all-time have been men. Sherlock Holmes, Dick Tracy, Inspector Gadget have all had penises. Sherlock Holmes was probably the only one with foreskin as he was a British man from the early 1900s. All I will say about Dick Tracy is that he’s named Dick for a reason. It’s big. Finally onto the topic of Inspector Gadget’s genitals. I’m sure if need be it could have opened up into a parachute or life raft. I was never much into Inspector Gadget. A half-man, half-Swiss army knife solving crimes with a niece named Penny? The name Penny is on my list of horrible names. Nobody likes pennies. They’re cheap and almost always have something blue on them. But there’s one thing these crime solvers all do have in common despite their differences in the front of the pants. All three are men. More than likely, men who cannot take a hint.

(Penny has grown from a tiny little coin into a big fat half-dollar. I’m thinking she ate that Marmaduke imposter she calls a dog)

You see girls, us guys sometimes have trouble understanding your intentions. Not me. I know immediately when a girl isn’t interested. I had a friend who didn’t have that DNA strand in him. While scavenging for women one night, we came across a drunk one next to a doorway. He asked her if she needed help. She said that her boyfriend would be back any moment. He asked if she wanted to go somewhere for a dance. That’s when she got violent and started slurring louder. We left and instead flirted with some girls who were hanging with their aunt. Aunts ruin everything. Nobody’s ever said “I’m going to bring my aunt along” and things turned out better. I’m so glad I don’t have an aunt. If I did I’d make her pay for the sins of all other aunts. There’s a reason why you’re named after an easily killed insect.

I can never knock a guy for trying to get with a girl. It can be a lot of effort at times. But when you start to break a sweat, that’s when you should call it quits. Please note, if you’re in a bar and a guy won’t stop harassing you, you asked for it. You’re in a bar. You’re surrounded by drunk people and you’re probably drunk yourself. If you expect to get home safe and happy, you’re fooling yourself. More so I would like to discuss when guys harass girls in more public settings like a train or a dog food factory.

The first hint a guy needs to know in not pursuing a woman is when she mentions her boyfriend she’s doing it for a reason. I always make the mistake of mentioning my girlfriend because I’m a nice person. I probably shouldn’t. That really is a punch to the ovaries of a flirting woman. But like I said, I’ve got a moral code I live by. A code that will probably lead to me dying alone. It always breaks my heart when a girl mentions her boyfriend or fiance. Even when I know I don’t have a chance I feel like she’s been lying to me the whole 2 minute conversation. Does she not realize how quickly and easily I fall in love? I figured that ring on your finger was a reminder to keep yourself pure! Cut this purity ring crap. If you really don’t want to have sex put on a chastity belt or eat a lot of pizza so nobody wants to with you. You’re on the same level of cool as the Jonas Brothers. And all three of them were replaced overnight by Justin Bieber. How’s that make you feel?

(Even with a coke addict cutter thrown into the mix, the JoBros still don’t amount to one Bieber)

Not even for guys, but everyone in general, when a person responds with one word answers you know it’s always a bad sign. There’s this guy who always tries talking to me. When he does, I say as little as possible. I also avoid eye contact. I’m pretty sure he has a crush on me. He’s gotten close enough to me where dandruff has flown off of his shoulders onto my nose like a Disney snowflake. Men only get that close to each other during muggings and naked wrestling matches. I checked my wallet and everything was still there so I can use my imagination. Even worse than the one word answers are the blank stares. I had two German girls do that to me. Their stupid Aryan grins smiling at each other as they knew I was crashing and burning. I hated it. I wanted to remind them how their Final Solution failed. Fuck those chicks. I thought the one had a lip piecing but it turned out to be a cold sore.

A little something different here, do any girls ever like pictures of guys flexing in the mirror? I’ve never encountered a girl who liked that. I talk to smart girls, dumb girls, tall girls, short girls, fat ones, ugly ones, all kinds. Not one has ever claimed to like these pictures. Why do guys think this will attract a woman? Haven’t they seen the memes making fun of guys like them? Here’s a hint for those guys, hide your nipples. Yes, you’re in great shape. We can all tell that from you in a shirt. For everybody, if there’s a certain type of picture that you’re taking that you can’t ask someone else to take of you, maybe you shouldn’t take it.

(I really hope this is a parody. If not this man deserved to be the first image to pop up when searching “flexing douche”)

In the end what I’m trying to say is have some intuition into what other people are saying. If a girl is overly friendly with you, she probably likes you. If she ignores you, you’re not something she’s interested in. Girls are very judgmental and will slit your throat in a second. They know immediately if you’re a viable candidate to accidentally impregnate them. Give women some credit. It’s not like they ever seem to always be dating criminals, unemployed slobs, or assholes over and over again.

  1. renxkyoko says:

    Some girls are slow to notice a guy is interested. ( I highly doubt that. ) Some girls are just cynical. So be a little patient.

    Cheers !

  2. Inspector Gadget had many penises… peni?

  3. Lily says:

    Whenever I watched Inspector Gadget, I was always hoping for an episode where Penny died. I don’t think there was one. She was just so useless.
    Flirting is always weird. I never really had a normal person come up and talk to me. I wouldn’t judge them off the bat, but once they started talking, none of them seemed to know how to converse. Maybe it’s me. I don’t know. If I were a guy, I would be super intimidated to go up to random girls though. There’s gotta be a better way to meet people than that.

    • Pete Howorth says:

      She’s probably contracted AIDs by now and died, all that funny business with that dog. Animal farm comes to mind when thinking of her.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I think weirdos have nothing to lose. Maybe some normal guys “flirted” with you yet they were so good and subtle about it that you didn’t realize. Creeps don’t understand consequence. Whether they get a girl or not they’re still funny looking the next day.

  4. wackynat says:

    Women don’t want to see guys flexing their muscles. We want to see them playing with children (and not in the “America’s Most Wanted” type way) and watching awesome documentaries about the Earth instead of WWE. That’s what we want.

    • Mooselicker says:

      So a picture of a guy watching NOVA is more sexually stimulating than a video of them bench pressing 250 pounds? Maybe I’m simplifying it too much.

      • wackynat says:

        Well is it sexually stimulating right away? It’s more like a mind thing. She starts thinking how awesome and smart he is, and then it turns into something completely different. It’s like if this guy is really that sensitive…then I can imagine how nice he’ll treat me. Of course, it doesn’t always end up like that. The quiet guys sometime end up getting arrested in Lifetime movies 🙂

  5. I think there’s either sexual chemistry or there isn’t. It’s difficult and awkward when one person feels like there could be something and sees potential and the other knows there’s not a chance in hell of anything happening. Ouch. It’s pretty rough out there. I was always very kind to anybody who approached me or flirted with me — probably I was just flattered and thought it was great. Lots of laughs.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m guessing you’re used to being on the side of not being interested more than the non-interestee* (is that a word?) It’s only creepy guys who shout out their car and don’t realize that they’re not God’s gift to women who need to learn about the hints given. I usually go all out immediately. If they scrunch their noses within 5 minutes I know we’re not meant to be.

  6. Addie says:

    I always say before you start any attempt at a conversation, you say, “Hi–any warrants with your name on it I should know about?”

    Cuts to the chase.

    PS Feline AIDS is the biggest killer of cats. Also, cats can only develop hyperthyroidism, whereas dogs can only develop hypothyroidism. Just another odd fact.

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