Posted: March 12, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Who am I? What’s the meaning of life? Why are people always whispering and laughing as I walk by them? Questions I ask myself every single day. Let’s stick with the first one. The other two are difficult. The meaning of life could be as simple as there is no meaning. That’s a bummer. As for why people are laughing and whispering around me, jealousy. Yeah that’s right. They’re talking about how great I am and don’t want to say it out loud so it gets to my head. It’s cool. If I was always being told by every female admirer how sexy I was I might have syphilis. Mostly girls with syphilis find me sexy. Something to do with it causing insanity.

(Al Capone died of syphilis. I so could have gotten him in bed)

When someone asks me who I am, usually I say “Fuck off” and they beat me with their gun again. “You ain’t getting a word out of me you pig with a badge” is what I say next. It’s a much deeper question than that though. For a moment, I want you to think of your name. Whatever it might be. Sherry, Lewis, Bram, or one of the other names that human beings have. Doesn’t that blow your mind? What your name is and what it represents is you. Everything. It’s all encompassing and it’s you. This works best while late at night and in bed. Try it. You’ll be fearful of going to sleep based on all of the bad things you have done or years you’ve wasted.

Certain words can define a person. Certain characteristics can as well. I’ve narrowed them down for you. I’m all about self-discovery and helping others reach inner peace/demons.

The first identification you can have as a person is whatever you job happens to be. For instance if your job is police officer then you might at times identify as one. The movie Taxi Driver had a line from my dead brother Peter Boyle. His character Wiz said something like “You have a job. You become the job.” I agree. I think that’s a really good route to happiness. As the Geico advertisements I hear on the radio say quoting Mark Twain “Make your vocation your vacation.” If you don’t like your job you’re fucked. It’s so easy for Mark Twain to say that too. All he did was sat in a cabin and write books. He wrote children’s books with the N-Word in it. What an asshole! You know you’ve got leverage when you can get away with that. Go to the book store and get a Paddington Bear book. I’ll bet you anything there’s not a single racial slur in it besides the first page. Hey, even children’s books have to start off with a bang.

(“Paddington Bear was late to work yet again because that towelhead refused to pick him up. Paddington promptly flipped him the bird” – First Page of Paddington Bear Takes Manhattan)

You can also identify yourself by your religion. I hear people say “I am a Christian.” This bothers me because I think you should give yourself more credit. You’re more than a Christian. I don’t think faith should ever be your number one identity you have for yourself. It feels to me waving your religion around is a little flamboyant. And doesn’t the Bible hate flamboyant people? It’s great that you have faith and are happy with it. I just don’t need that to be the main thing I know about you. Being a Christian, a Muslim, or even an Atheist (I forget the other types of religions out there) doesn’t make me have any idea of who you are. Some of all are good and some of all are bad. Faith isn’t a card where you get to do whatever you want. Most people don’t really want to know what you do with your Sunday mornings. Find something more important to identify yourself with like “Good Person” or “Curer of Cancer.” When religion is the first thing someone brings up to me all I know is that they’re a recovering addict or have been boring their entire life.

(Or you could be like Stephan Baldwin and be both)

A third way to identify yourself as is your relationship to others. You can be a father, a mother, a child, a brother, a sister, you know the rest. I think it’s mostly mothers, fathers, and grandparents who identify themselves in this category. Who calls themselves a cousin? Everyone in the world except for me has a cousin. It’s not a special thing. This is probably the most dignified way to identify yourself as. Anyone can become a telephone repairman and it’s very easy to show up to church then call yourself religious. Becoming a parent is easy. Being one is the tough part. I’m not a parent nor will I be any time soon barring a big mistake, a new direction in life, or alien abduction. I was told the other day that aliens are going around raping people and that this is common knowledge. I must have been hiding under a rock of logic when this was discussed in school.

(E.T. tell you not to phone home. This be yours and his little secret)

Of course, the best way to identify yourself is as an individual. You don’t really need a tag. Sure, I’d love to have a great job where I could say what it is and identify myself as. Right now that’s not the case. I’m probably not going to see Jesus in toast any time soon (I don’t eat much bread) and even if I did I think I’d have more important things to take care of before gloating about my faith. You know, like helping others. Someday maybe I will be a father. I could see myself identifying as that. Even so, I’ll need some other kind of identification for my kid’s sake. No kid wants to be able to brag to their friends that their dad is a father. They want to be able to say he’s an assassin or a rock star football player. For you non-existent child, I will do my best to discover who I am and put a simple one word label to it.

  1. Lily says:

    I feel like a lot of kids don’t know what their parents do until they’re in middle school. I always thought of my dad as just my dad, but then again, I have no shame.
    I think it’s really telling when you over-hear someone and they say something like “Have you met Tim, he’s great!” Being great is always a good thing to aim for. I’ve had a couple people introduce me as their religious friend. It’s like, really? That’s the way you describe me? I don’t even act religious half the time. I think it’s the best to be identified for the good stuff you do, not the bad stuff. But some people only know about the bad stuff.
    I don’t know what I’m saying anymore.
    “Or you could be like Stephan Baldwin and be both.” Made me laugh!

    • Mooselicker says:

      I hear ya though as confused as you are. I can’t even describe my job to people. Today I spent a half hour erasing stray marks from Terra Nova tests. You know when they told you in school to make sure you didn’t go outside the bubble? Well I’m the guy who double checks. At least for a half hour today I did. I’m still not sure what my dad does. He’s a VP yet he’s 6th in command and has always worked a second job. My mom wrote for the newspaper so that was easy.

      Isolating “Have you met Tim, he’s great!” for my own needs to solitify myself as wonderful. I guess though if people only called me great they could simply be lying if they can’t quickly come up with a reason why.

    • Actually, I think if you identify yourself as a certain faith, it tells the other person A LOT about you. It SHOULD tell them what you believe, what you value, what your moral code is, or what you want it to be, and what your philosophy is. A lot of people just go to a meeting on Sunday and the rest of the week they forget about it- but some people do live their faith and those people can and should identify themselves that way.

      Wow, that was very scholarly, wasn’t it?
      The Stephen Baldwin comment cracked me up!

  2. Do you feel better now that you got that off your chest?
    And yes, boring recovering addicts are the worst kind.
    I guess I would describe myself as; me…

  3. Dunno what I would identify myself as. Just some bloke, like.

  4. Now I have one serious indentity problem. THANKS.
    You know, I don’t really have a job, I’m not religious… Do I even exist?

  5. Addie says:

    We don’t agree on Mark Twain.

    The rest was a very good, read, sir.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I like Mark Twain. I just think he was around in a time where there was a lot less competition. His stuff about Satan and other dark topics are wonderful. So unexpected too.

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