It seems like every time I visit Yahoo or try to engage a prostitute in small talk after sex I find out that a new celebrity has died. It’s amazing how many of them are dying. I’d explain to you why it is right now, but then this would be one paragraph. Let me try to put together a few more before giving the obvious answer to a lame question.

The reason why celebrities seem to be dying so frequently is that everyone is a celebrity now. More than ever you too can become famous. Back in 1920 or so, there weren’t nearly as many celebrities. Charles Lindbergh, Woodrow Wilson, and Kaiser Wilhelm were the top names to grace the covers of the celebrity gossip magazines. With a limited amount of media back then most celebrities were politicians or people who actually achieved something. Now all you need is a popular YouTube video or to share a last name with someone with a popular YouTube video. No longer does blood need to be shed for you to be wildly known. Why do you think John Wilkes-Booth killed Lincoln? Was it political? No! He was an actor trying to get his name out there.

(What a bad headshot. Doesn’t he know all actors are supposed to smile and be outside during one?)

Dead celebrities are no longer a taboo. It’s fine to make fun of them. I’m guilty of it for sure. When I hear a celebrity died the first thing that runs through my head is “What joke can be made about this” then it’s “I hope someone else doesn’t think of something better.” There was a whole television show based around them killing each other in claymation form. I had a video game of that show. Only in America can we have so many famous people that we need a television show where they fight to the death with each other.

(This is what clay was made for. And pottery for the Native Americans)

There aren’t any celebrities I’d be all that upset about dying. I don’t get attached to them very easily. They’re just entertainers. Monkeys with symbols clanging together. Let me take a moment to insult Dick Clark for no apparent reason other than he popped in my head. When Dick Clark dies people are going to be upset. Why? He never really did anything. He talked while a bunch of teenagers got together and danced to the latest tunes. He’s a glorified chaperone. Dick Clark is known as the world’s oldest teenager. Or he was until he had a stroke. Now he’s the old guy on New Year’s Eve we all feel bad for. He’s slobbering and he’s not even drunk. I swear, that poor old man is going to die on live television one December 31st. He’ll mess up the numbers like always and have a heart attack out of embarrassment. Please Dick, find something more appropriate to do on New Year’s Eve. Like finding a nice place in the woods to die in.

(This looks pretty nice)

Making fun of a celebrity death gets a lot of groans from massive amounts of people. I never got this. If some child star died, sure, groan. If one of the Olsen twins had SIDS while on Full House that would be sad news. Good news for the quality of entertainment, but sad news in the grand scheme of things. But when someone like Amy Winehouse overdoses she’s free reign. Shit, even if she died saving Catholic orphans from an overturned vehicle I think it’s fine if she was open season on ridicule. Part of being celebrity is letting things roll off your back. You can’t let every bad comment about you stick. Us non-celebrities get picked on all the time. We man through it don’t we? Celebrities can do the same thing. Personally I’d love if the tabloids were saying things about me. I doubt they ever will. I’m not nearly fucked up enough for anyone to believe I’m having a sexual affair with a coworker and find it shocking or interesting. Sure Cathy in Accounting isn’t bad-looking, but I doubt anyone would write home about our loud moans.


(Cathy in Accounting. Look, we gave you the right to vote. Please treat our man inventions with some respect)

What I really want to say about dead celebrities is that they’re going to keep happening. Eventually we’ll have so many of them it’ll be every day. I imagine when I’m older that I’ll have to explain to my kids who some celebrities are. Something will be all over the news about Joel Gosselin dying in a motorcycle crash. I’ll have to explain to them that he was on a show as a baby where his mother bossed around his father, the father got revenge by acting out, and things ended poorly between the two. Joel Gosselin is a celebrity whether he likes it or not. And he’s going to be dead someday. It’ll make headlines too. It’s fine to mourn for anyone’s death. Just don’t ruin the fun of others if we thought they spent their life as a hack one hit wonder.

  1. Lol! I had to think for a minute about Joel Gosselin and then the faces of all those kids popped up – cause let’s face it, they all look the same. haha! I still watch out for the celebrity deaths that come in 3’s. Look we just had Whitney Houston, Davy Jones and there was someone else…? Well, there will be, wait and see. I always wondered who I would be lumped with in my celebrity death of three people? Sometimes they’re so random. If I could choose I would like to die during the same week as Matt Lauer and Helen Mirren. (I don’t want anyone who’ll steal my spotlight too much.)

    • Mooselicker says:

      Those are good selections. Matt Lauer ruined his career when he shaved his head. Helen Mirren isn’t nearly as big as she thinks she is. You play a queen once and you let it get to your head.

      I think I’d have to pick two people who were related. That way they overshadow each other and I’m left with all of the offensive meme glory.

  2. LOVED this post!! It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who isn’t afraid to speak ill of the dead, though you were much more ballsy in your post than I was in mine.

  3. You said head shot… and Booth… I almost died laughing.
    Being amazed by celebrity deaths is like being amazed at a rock slide in Yosemite. How did you think all those other rocks got there? Now shut up and go feed a bear, you idiot tourist.

  4. Addie says:

    All these young(ish) ‘famous’ people dying young, yet, all of those rockers (well, most of them) from the ’60s are still going strong. The Who, Sir Paul, Paul Simon, James Taylor, Billy Joel, Sir Elton–alive and well.

  5. Lily says:

    I feel like guys are more able to make jokes about celebrity death where as if I make jokes about a living celebrity people get on my case. Why is that? Guys always get away with better jokes.
    I totally think making fun of celebrities is fair game. If you want to be famous, that’s what you have to deal with. That’s what you sign up for, right?

    • Mooselicker says:

      Anyone who won’t let you get away with a joke about anything is what they call in the radio industry a “hole.” It’s the woman who will say stuff like “Come on guys, let’s play fair.” I hate that mentality. I think you should make a post insulting as many celebrities as possible. Mostly hoping for a backlash against you of course.

  6. breezyk says:

    Great first line. It’s true that even having the same name as someone can make you famous- there was even a show about it last year called “Same Name” where like, a commoner who happened to be named David Hasselhoff switched lives with the real Hoff for the day. Just another example of high quality television these days.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I would feel terrible if my name was David Hasselhoff. I already share the name of the owner of Colombia Sportswear. Growing up with that moniker was tough enough. I like too that The Hoff was the biggest name they could get for the show.

  7. Cafe says:

    Hey, where’s Cathy in Accounting? Can’t see the pic =P
    Lol funny post. I thought about what you said, about not getting attached to any celebrities. I guess most of us do to some extent, huh? I always think it’s because they act as our emotional outlets, through their acting or music or whatever.

    • Mooselicker says:

      All fixed! At least you were kind enough to inform me. Not like the rest of those bastards who let me live with egg on my face.

      I think we get more attracted to the characters they play than anything else. At least I do. I could careless about what Tom Hanks does but I would hate if Forrest Gump or kid from Big all grown up died.

      I almost cry at the end of any television series. It really does feel like a part of my life has ended.

  8. Pete Howorth says:

    I like how everyone made Winehouse to be some sort of saint when she died, “She never got help when she was on drugs”, she never wanted help and I wrote an entire post about it too after she died and I found most people agreed with me that she was a dispicable excuse for a human being. Just because she’s a good singer doesn’t mean she didn’t have it coming.

    Celebrity did use to mean something, now though, it’s pathetic. Anyone that was in Big Brother for five minutes are now plastered all over magazines. Whenever I watch celebrity reality shows or panel game shows, I find myself not knowing who anyone is these days. To me it’s just watching random people I don’t care about. Not entertaining at all.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Most people get on those shows to get into acting. I can’t count how many Survivor alumni have gone onto have other shows. Well, not too many but the fact that there are probably around 10 is still pretty dramatic.

      I think it was the American version of Big Brother where the guy with one leg died. I could be making all of this up though.

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