It seems like every time I visit Yahoo or try to engage a prostitute in small talk after sex I find out that a new celebrity has died. It’s amazing how many of them are dying. I’d explain to you why it is right now, but then this would be one paragraph. Let me try to put together a few more before giving the obvious answer to a lame question.
The reason why celebrities seem to be dying so frequently is that everyone is a celebrity now. More than ever you too can become famous. Back in 1920 or so, there weren’t nearly as many celebrities. Charles Lindbergh, Woodrow Wilson, and Kaiser Wilhelm were the top names to grace the covers of the celebrity gossip magazines. With a limited amount of media back then most celebrities were politicians or people who actually achieved something. Now all you need is a popular YouTube video or to share a last name with someone with a popular YouTube video. No longer does blood need to be shed for you to be wildly known. Why do you think John Wilkes-Booth killed Lincoln? Was it political? No! He was an actor trying to get his name out there.
(What a bad headshot. Doesn’t he know all actors are supposed to smile and be outside during one?)
Dead celebrities are no longer a taboo. It’s fine to make fun of them. I’m guilty of it for sure. When I hear a celebrity died the first thing that runs through my head is “What joke can be made about this” then it’s “I hope someone else doesn’t think of something better.” There was a whole television show based around them killing each other in claymation form. I had a video game of that show. Only in America can we have so many famous people that we need a television show where they fight to the death with each other.
(This is what clay was made for. And pottery for the Native Americans)
There aren’t any celebrities I’d be all that upset about dying. I don’t get attached to them very easily. They’re just entertainers. Monkeys with symbols clanging together. Let me take a moment to insult Dick Clark for no apparent reason other than he popped in my head. When Dick Clark dies people are going to be upset. Why? He never really did anything. He talked while a bunch of teenagers got together and danced to the latest tunes. He’s a glorified chaperone. Dick Clark is known as the world’s oldest teenager. Or he was until he had a stroke. Now he’s the old guy on New Year’s Eve we all feel bad for. He’s slobbering and he’s not even drunk. I swear, that poor old man is going to die on live television one December 31st. He’ll mess up the numbers like always and have a heart attack out of embarrassment. Please Dick, find something more appropriate to do on New Year’s Eve. Like finding a nice place in the woods to die in.
(This looks pretty nice)
Making fun of a celebrity death gets a lot of groans from massive amounts of people. I never got this. If some child star died, sure, groan. If one of the Olsen twins had SIDS while on Full House that would be sad news. Good news for the quality of entertainment, but sad news in the grand scheme of things. But when someone like Amy Winehouse overdoses she’s free reign. Shit, even if she died saving Catholic orphans from an overturned vehicle I think it’s fine if she was open season on ridicule. Part of being celebrity is letting things roll off your back. You can’t let every bad comment about you stick. Us non-celebrities get picked on all the time. We man through it don’t we? Celebrities can do the same thing. Personally I’d love if the tabloids were saying things about me. I doubt they ever will. I’m not nearly fucked up enough for anyone to believe I’m having a sexual affair with a coworker and find it shocking or interesting. Sure Cathy in Accounting isn’t bad-looking, but I doubt anyone would write home about our loud moans.
(Cathy in Accounting. Look, we gave you the right to vote. Please treat our man inventions with some respect)
What I really want to say about dead celebrities is that they’re going to keep happening. Eventually we’ll have so many of them it’ll be every day. I imagine when I’m older that I’ll have to explain to my kids who some celebrities are. Something will be all over the news about Joel Gosselin dying in a motorcycle crash. I’ll have to explain to them that he was on a show as a baby where his mother bossed around his father, the father got revenge by acting out, and things ended poorly between the two. Joel Gosselin is a celebrity whether he likes it or not. And he’s going to be dead someday. It’ll make headlines too. It’s fine to mourn for anyone’s death. Just don’t ruin the fun of others if we thought they spent their life as a hack one hit wonder.