Posted: March 15, 2012 in Uncategorized
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Over yonder in New Jersey, our license plates have the phrase “The Garden State” on them. That’s what New Jersey is known for most. Gardens. It’s true. If you’ve never been here, you can’t dump a dead body somewhere without stepping on a tomato in a garden. There’s a potted plant in front of my apartment. I don’t know who put it there or why it’s filled with cigarette butts. That’s still a garden though, by our standards. You know that much about New Jersey. What you may not know is that the one thing we have more than gardens are hacks.

Webster defines a hack as someone who lacks talent, originality, and has at one point gone by an alias. Webster of course being my black neighbor Jerry Webster. He so smart! I’m a firm believer that outside of Branson, Missouri no place has more entertainment hacks available to the public. You name it, New Jersey has a worse version.

(This isn’t my neighbor Jerry Webster but I’m racist so all black men look-alike to me)

I’ll start with comedians, something I know all too well. Go to just about any comedy club in New Jersey’s website and look at the upcoming schedule. If you recognize someone’s name you’re a pretty big comedy fan. We have guys with names like Bob-O, Spitzy, and Richard “The Human Pretzel” Ramirez. At least two of them use a dummy or a strange instrument in their act which drives the crowd wild. These are the stereotypes of hacks in the comedy world. They do goofy voices, invite audience members on stage, and have headshots older than I am. Yeah, they were on HBO. That was 1991 and it was as an extra on an episode of Tales from the Crypt. I don’t have a problem with exaggerating your credits. It’s hard to convince people to see a comedy show when they could do more fine things like go to a poetry open mic or circumcise themselves. I’m mostly annoyed that no matter what comedy club I look at I see the same damn names over and over again. New Jersey, if you haven’t made it here, try another 15 years. Bookers don’t have time to look at anything new. They go with what’s familiar to them.

(These guys do a great bit about Roosevelt’s “New Deal”)

Professional wrestling is pretty big here. The film The Wrestler actually took place here. It’s a pretty realistic story. You can’t go to a VFW without seeing a poster for an upcoming wrestling show. Why do I go to VFWs you ask? To shout “Baby killers!” at everyone inside. Thing is, these wrestling organizations involve everyone on their way up and then on their way down again. You can see the evil German Jack Fritzenstein take on someone like Jimmy Snuka on any given night. Of course Jack is going to lose. His real name is Ted Hall and he lives in East Orange. He’s just a kid trying to make it in the competitive world of gay sports theater, wrestling. I’m not sure who actually goes to these shows. Probably drunks and weekend dads lying to their sons saying that they’re watching the stars of tomorrow, today!

(If you turn your head quickly and are color blind you might think The Rock is the guy in the upper right hand corner. Thankfully we know better)

The biggest city of hacks is also located in New Jersey. It’s called Atlantic City. Sure, there are some big acts that play there once in a while. But for the most part, you’re stuck seeing people who couldn’t make it in Las Vegas. I’ve been to AC twice. It wasn’t as crummy as everyone made it out to be. Yeah the beaches looked gross and the only person performing whose name I recognized was Liza Minnelli (oh joy!) but it still had some charm. It has a boardwalk where Asian women yell out at you demanding they give you a massage. The security isn’t even all that tight. I could have easily walked into a “member’s only” swimming pool. But why would I do that? I’m too much of a pussy to screw around with anyone’s business.

(All of Cindy’s fans friends showed up to show her some support as she watched her hopes and dreams slip away)

I’ve only lived in one area of the world so I don’t know what it’s like where you live. Are you too surrounded by hacks? I can usually spot them. If you know a musician who sounds quite a bit like someone more famous, they’re a hack. It’s not being a hack being a cover band though. I like to call them rip-off bands because that usually pisses them off. Learn something original asshole. If Lifehouse can play Lifehouse songs, anyone can play Lifehouse songs.

  1. Addie says:

    Since you asked–one of the friends of Anne and Bud is in a cover band for Weezer. I don’t know who Weezer is, to be honest.

    One thing I can look forward to, Licker, is to know I’ll be smiling by the second word in your blog postings–thanks for that.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Weezer is the band that made nerd glasses cool. They also have a music video with Muppets. They’re bubble gum hipster music. Can’t say anything good or bad about them.

      NJ is known for its ripoff bands. They actually make good money. We also produced Springsteen who only sings about things he sees in Jersey. Yeah, i-95 runs through us. Shut up about Wendy.

  2. Self-circumcision… not for the faint hearted.
    And why do you keep beating around the bush? It is not good to keep all that anger pent up inside. You keep suppressing like that, you will blow a gasket. You do not always have to be so shy and retiring. Let a little of your emotions show, fella.
    (That was sarcasm, in case you couldn’t tell)

  3. Hey, your post is up on the humor wall.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Mate, I put it there. A simple tag of the word humor does the trick. Give it a try. I will be shocked if you’re getting as many comments as you are without tagging. That always brings in half a Like.

      • I never get the humor tag option… That is what started that whole thing yesterday. I got on three walls. Travel, science, and sitting on the toilet. I have my posts set as humor…(I think)…

      • Mooselicker says:

        On the bottom right you can put a bunch of different tags. I usually stick with 9. Anymore and it’s counter intuitive. Always do things like “humor, comedy, writing, musings” because those are the ones people actually look at. I do other big ones and a few “jokey” ones to entertain myself and the one person who notices my tags.

      • Other people have told me this, but I cannot find this option there. I am useless.

      • If you can help me solve this problem, I will, I will… well, I don’t know what I would do exactly, except tell everyone who listens that you rock. But I think I already do that, so…

      • Mooselicker says:

        When you’re in a new create a post look in the bottom right corner where it says “tag” there will be a box where you can type in words. Seperate each word by a comma.

      • I found it this morning. And I got on the humor wall. But thank you for the help. You are much nicer than you try to sound like you are. But your secret is safe with me.

      • Mooselicker says:

        I made you a picture to help but I didn’t know how to post it for you. I’m very nice. I petted a puppy today.

      • Resist the urge to lick the puppies.

  4. Pete Howorth says:

    You know when their top billing is The Blue Meanie, something has gone wrong.

    Without Hollywood Nova and Big Stevie Cool, he’s nobody.

    • Mooselicker says:

      At least they admit he’s washed up. I bet it’s not even the same guy. 30 years from now Rey Mysterio will be 130 pounds and white doing a show across the street from ROH.

  5. Hahaha! This is yet another group of people that I sort of feel sorry for… sub-par entertainers.
    Sad and cringey at the same time, right?
    I think I’m a bit of a hack at blogging. I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this act! ha!

    • Mooselicker says:

      You’re certainly not a hack blogger. Have you ever written about the difference in sales of yogurt at your local supermarket? That’s hack. I’m still hating on that Freshly Pressed P.O.S. from 2 weeks ago it makes me so mad.

      • I’m a hack because I don’t know how to find Freshly Pressed. (And if Lily reads this, she’ll have a good laugh.) No, I haven’t written about yogurt lately or… ever. So I guess that’s good?

      • Mooselicker says:

        That doesn’t make you a hack. See the posts that Pouring My Art Out made here. He doesn’t even know how to tag his own posts. How did this all turn into a tutorial on how to use WordPress?

  6. Lily says:

    I don’t think we had any hacks in the chicago burbs, but only because there was never anywhere for them to hang out.
    Have you heard of Jeff Dunham? I literally can’t stand him and his puppets. I don’t find him funny at all. I want to smack all of his fans in the face with lead pipe. I feel very strongly about this issue.
    Did you see the South Park episode about Wrestling? I like how in the end there was no wrestling involved, just story lines. So perfect.

    • Mooselicker says:

      My girlfriend’s old roommates were watching Jeff Dunham saying how funny he was. Then they left a hockey game and were playing Nickelback really loud. Yeah…Otto and George are the only ventriloquists that I like. They’re really offensive.

      I did see that South Park episode. I think it’s the only episode from the last 4 years that I actually watched. I’m so far behind. That was great. I love how Vince McMahon had one of those little theater feathered glasses.

  7. Tons of hacks in Toronto, but some of them are alright. What I’m really curious about though is if you are a hack. Unless your mother actually named you Mooselicker, in which case I have tremendous respect for you seeing as how you’re probably a really tough cookie having survived the scorge of the sandbox, playgrounds, highschool and life in general with a name like that.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I could be a hack. I’ve never thought about it. I think I may need a catchphrase though to be a full-blown hack. Something that means nothing. Ah-Cha-Cha or Don’t Go There Girlfriend could work.

      My real name isn’t Mooselicker but I actually had to adapt it to save some beatings. There was so much wrong about me that I figured I should make my name the elephant in the room. That way they’d look past all of the other amazing things there were to tease me about.

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