Favorite Things

Posted: March 16, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Imagine me sitting in a chair, possibly dressed nicely. I have a tie on because ties let you know that a man doesn’t have to treat a woman nicely. He can pay for sex if he wishes. That’s how much of a hot-shot I look. Perhaps I have a Bluetooth on too. I’m not talking into it. I’m too stupid to figure out how to use it. Sometimes I go out and walk around the park pretending I’m talking to someone. My made up friend Rico isn’t on the other end and the joke I’m pretending to laugh it doesn’t exist. I’m a crazy person trying to look cool. My pants are fancy, my shoes actually laced, and I’m wearing false teeth over my real ones to look more presentable. Try getting into an argument with dirty natural teeth. You probably won’t win. You need some milky whites to attain a flawless victory.

Why am I dressed up so fancy? Well because today is a serious day. One year ago today my mom passed away. I’ve been debating for a while whether I should write anything about it. It doesn’t really go with the theme of this blog, you know, shit humor, but if there was anybody who appreciated shit humor it certainly was my mom.

I didn’t know exactly what it was that I wanted to write about here. I figured it was a safe bet to write about some of her favorite things. Mostly what we enjoyed together or that one of us pretended to like more because it gave us some bonding time. Or in some cases we really didn’t just want to say how stupid the other one was for having awful taste.

Professional Wrestling

I don’t know how much my mom really understood about the WWE. At times I think she didn’t realize it was scripted or that The Undertaker was not dead and actually named Mark. She’d yell at the TV that what the bad guys were doing wasn’t fair. She always rooted for the good guys which annoyed me because I’m a smark, someone who roots for the bad guys. I’d almost want to punch her when she’d clap for HHH beating someone else. I hated HHH. His nose is gigantic and he’s a backstage goon who refuses to lose. Her favorite though was The Rock which I can’t argue with. Weird thing is neither of us watched wrestling when The Rock was popular. I think she mostly was into looking at him in tiny underwear more than anything else. One year for her birthday I got her a set of action figures of The Rock. Her last birthday 2 years ago I bought her a collection of “The Best of The Rock” a 3-DVD set. I mostly bought it because I wanted to watch it first then give it to her. I don’t think she ever did watch it, but that was probably a good thing. I never realized how much he lost. Mostly to that big nosed asshole HHH. Fuck you and your initial moniker.

 (Next year Wrestlemania should take place inside his right nostril)


This was another thing my mom paid attention to because I want into. We even got a dog and named him after Mark McGwire we were so into the 1998 season. More on that piece of shit dog later. We’d watch Phillies games together all the time in the late 90’s. During those years the team would lose about 100 games a season. You don’t need to know a thing about sports to know they weren’t very good. Her favorite player was the Jewish catcher, Mike Lieberthal. I’m not saying the team sucked because they had a Jewish catcher and their star pitcher was a Republican whose son had ALS, but I don’t hear it argued enough that they probably should have signed more Puerto Ricans. The last baseball game we watched together was during the 2009 World Series. I so totally could have hooked up with a girl that night who was into me, but I couldn’t let my mom down. We needed to see the Yankees buy their way into another championship. I don’t regret it at all. That hot chick probably would have tried to change the way I dressed. My mom once told me she was proud of me because I always wore clean clothes. It didn’t take much to impress her.

 (Mike Lieberthal rookie card)

The Popcorn Zoo

Last year on Mother’s Day my sisters and girlfriend (my girlfriend, I don’t share her with my sisters you creep) went to the Popcorn Zoo. I’ve mentioned it before, but I will repeat to you that it is a zoo of abused animals where you get to feed them popcorn. I know, holy fucking shit right? This exists! You can throw popcorn at bears and watch them eat it. The best animals there are the deer. They used to have some that had three legs. I have fed three-legged deer movie theater snacks. How many people can say that? Probably like a couple million because the zoo has been around a long time, but still I bet no one in Australia has ever done that. Have you ever seen a map? That’s a big place. I have done more in my life than everyone in Australia. My mom’s favorite animal there was Ferdinand the cow. He sent my mom a postcard one time because she made a donation to get him a bell or whatever it is cows need donations for. Feeding animals and not having to pick up the poop afterwards is one of my favorite things to do. That’s why the Popcorn Zoo will always be a place near and “deer” to my heart. Get it? Because I mentioned deer–

(Me feeding a goat a nutritious snack)


My mom would always rush home from whatever she was doing to catch the reruns of her favorite shows. I don’t think she watched a first run television show since the Ron Perlman shows Beauty and the Beast was on while I was born. Her favorites were King of Queens, Two and a Half Men, and Wings. What a Three Stooges combination of mediocrity. Strangely enough the only one of these that I ever watched a lot of was Wings. I kind of got into it too. It’s about two brothers who work for an airline on Nantucket. I know this sounds like the beginning to a dirty joke, but I swear it was a pretty tame show. Basically it was Taxi but with airplanes. They even had a silly repairman played by the bad guy from Spiderman 3 who was also the bad guy in George of the Jungle. Isn’t Thomas Haden Church also a prick in real life? You’d think with the last name church at worse he’d be a con-artist.

 (This is what cool people looked like in the early 90s. Y2K should have destroyed us)

McGwire the Dog

Lovable, sweet, adorable, and exciting are a few words I would never use to describe McGwire the Dog. When my mom passed the family was left wondering what we should do with McGwire. It was unanimous that we’d put him in the garbage disposal and blame it on a black guy who broke in. Then we realized none of us are fancy enough to own a garbage disposal so he came to live with me. He’s okay I guess. When I came home last I could smell him immediately. Sometimes he smells so bad I want to pour sour milk on him to make things better. And to torture him a bit for waking me up and being an overall fatass. He licks my couch a lot for some reason. It’s not even like there are food remnants there. I think he’s just trying to annoy me for when I sit down and my arm rest is soaking wet. But I guess he’s all right. He snores really loudly which gives me some background noise. It helps me avoid from being able to think. It helps keep away some demons.

(He looks like a fat deer on a giant lesbian shirt)

Those are just a few of the things my mother enjoyed. I could go on forever really. She liked bounty paper towels, Leslie Nielsen movies, and not using the Internet. Really, my mom probably didn’t go online since 2004. She used prepaid phones like a drug dealer and had no clue who the Chocolate Rain Kid was. She lived very simply. The only thing more I could have wanted from her was more time. One more conversation, one more trip to the movies together, one more blabbering voicemail that went on for 6 minutes about a joke on the Nick Swardson show that I didn‘t know existed, and one more of everything else I loved about her. I have a good memory and not much had to be blocked out involving her. She yelled at me twice that I remember and apologized after both. One time was because I was eating chicken instead of helping with the Christmas tree setup and the other was because I couldn’t match up a pair of black sweat pants with the black tuxedo that Alfred the Butler wore on a shirt I had which contained all of the Batman characters. I was only really nervous one time about sharing something with her. It happened when I was suspended from school for 9 days my junior year of high school for making a parody of the school newspaper. To be fair it was a book that she gave me that inspired my troublemaking ways. When she found out that I had been suspended from school there was no yelling. She high-fived me instead. That’s how I knew I had an awesome mom. She had never met the principal and even she knew he was an asshole.

  1. Addie says:

    You are a walking tribute to a wonderful woman who was your Mom. I wish you’d had that extra time, too.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks Addie! We had the same hair too. I think that’s an insult to us both. Nobody wants the same hairstyle as their mom and no mom should be teased for having long boy hair. We made due though.

  2. This post is sad and little. This time I think you know what I mean. Your mom raised a kind, sensitive, funny and intelligent young man. Since she only had a short time here, I’d say she did pretty well with what she was given. Glad you shared this, Tim.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks Lisa! And yes, I do know what little means now, sort of. Anything cute from childhood. As my virtual mom (yet your children are my virtual cousins? yeah that’s messed up) I appreciate the sentiments 🙂

  3. Lily says:

    I’m glad you wrote about her. She’s probably glad too. She’s sounds like an amazing person. Losing someone quickly is hard. It sounds hard. At least you have a lot of great memories of her. King of Queens is actually really funny! Two and a Half Men on the other hand…! I love your dog. And I want to go to the popcorn zoo.
    Nice post. Really sweet. Your mom was lucky to have a son like you.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks Lily! You convinced me to write something. Then it got longer and longer. But I am glad that I did it. I don’t know how much you know about King of Queens but her favorite episode was when Kevin James danced on a stripper pole. She loved fat guys doing sexy woman things.

      • Lily says:

        Yessssss! I’m glad that you’re glad.
        Actually, I do know that episode! The one where his wife (whats her name?) takes those stripping classes and she’s awful at it and Doug shows her how it’s done. He’s so funny. That’s a good ep.

  4. I imagine you, sitting in a chair…
    Bound with barbed wire and duct tape…
    oh crap. I just realized this is a serious post you are doing…
    I have to stop commenting section by section…
    OK, that was really freekin moving, damn it.
    Warn a guy when you are going to do that.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Meh it wasn’t all that serious. No need to worry PMAO (that looks like an Alaskan name) you’re good. Imagine me doing whatever it is you want. Except for that. Donkeys are for riding.

      • You just have this strange way of combining tender emotional thoughts with over the top sarcasm and biting social commentary. You, sir, are complex. Yeah, I said it it. I have a friend you sort of remind me of. He is all Mr. Don’t Show Emotion, but he loves my kids, remembers their birthdays even. He has this warm, fuzzy side, but he is not going to let anybody see it. You have to spot it yourself.

      • I have to admit that I was surprised to find out where you live. With that hat, and the name Mooselicker, I just assumed you lived in a cabin in the woods in Alaska, licking real mooses.

      • And what does PMAO mean. I know laugh my ass off…what is the P for? Piss my ass off?

      • Mooselicker says:

        PMAO = Pouring My Art Out

        You’re so snide and impossible to tell when you’re joking. You my friend have been punched in the face before because of that. I can tell.

      • That is true. It happened more than once.
        And I did not know PMAO was me… I will now start thinking of myself as Pouring My Ass Off… or pouting my as off, or pooping my ass off.

  5. Tim, it’s great when witty people like yourself can surprise readers with such depth and sincerity. You wrote from the heart and added humor which I’m sure your mom would have loved. Sorry for your loss, by the way.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks Lauren! There was no point in trying to make people sad or anything. I’d post that Kony video if I wanted to accomplish that. I didn’t really feel like sympathy either. Nobody had anything good to say to me a year ago and now wouldn’t be much different. I just wanted to share this with people. I do appreciate the kind words though. Thank you.

      • If people can’t be kind when a loved one dies, when can they be? I’m shocked to hear that people weren’t respectful. Keep your head up 🙂

      • Mooselicker says:

        Oh they were respectful. Nobody was ever nasty or anything but it was the usual garbage you hear on TV that they’d say. There’s really know right thing to say except “Hey, just messin everything’s all right” then they reveal you were a part of a cruel prank. I almost don’t blame people I’m sure they felt awkward.

  6. renxkyoko says:

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    Cheers !

  7. tadams4u says:

    You mom would love this post…a great tribute…

    PS. Wings was a fun show and you know you secretly love the dog.. LOL

  8. endofthegame says:

    Hey man, sorry to hear about your mum; losing family is a real drag, I know. But it sounds like you had a strong bond with your mum, and that’s something to be very proud of, I bet a very, very large percentage of the world population is jealous of what you had. I know I am, my mum pisses me off! I admire your ability to treat such a tender experience with humour, it seems your mum brought you up well! As per usual you have made me laugh hysterically at my computer screen, you have a huge talent for that – they say girls are attracted to guys with a sense of humour, well you should have like 100 girlfriends at least! I’m from Australia, and I can speak for the whole country when I say that we don’t know popcorn farms exist, well all the Australians except for me anyway.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I should have 100 girlfriends shouldn’t I? I need you to be my wingman. If I’m ever in Australia, you’re hyping me up to the ladies. Or we could go to suicide forest. Girls there will really want any kind of love they can get.

      Thanks for the support!

  9. I always admire people who are able to write something so personal like this and then actually share it with everyone. But whats even better is that you still kept your sense of humor throughout. That`s probably the biggest tribute to her.

    PS: I detested Triple H too. I cringed everytime I heard his pretentious music play. Asshole.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks Karen! I am even more impressed that you hate HHH let alone know who he is. Could it be how much of a jerk he was to your boyfriend Ryan Reynolds in Blade Trinity?

  10. haha I grew up in Kuwait which was (and still is) a strict muslim country that censored EVERYTHING. Except Sesame Street and wrestling. Wrestling clearly won out as THE family show. I loved Shawn Michaels of course. My mom loved all the good guys and my dad cheered on all the bad guys just to piss her off.

    This of course was when WWE was still WWF and life was just simpler.

    I never watched Blade Trinity. My crush on Ryan Reynolds clearly has nothing to do with his acting skills. I just hated Triple H because I thought he was quite rude. Not to mention, that stupid robe. What a prick.

  11. […] Related Reading: Favorite Things […]

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