Scorpion Kings

Posted: March 21, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

What makes a woman fall in love with a man? I’m told that it’s a sense of humor, unwavering confidence, a friendly smile, and a strong overall personality. That’s what I’ve been told by single women who will die alone. They expect too much out of a guy. Their dream men are in dime novels portrayed on the covers by Fabio. I do agree that it’s personality more than anything that attracts one person to another. This is a good thing. It allows us odd-looking human beings to find a mate. Thing is, there are some guys out there with no redeeming qualities yet they get the girl. What do these guys have that I don’t? Tattoos? Rock hard abs? Unemployment checks?

The film The Scorpion King is a pretty good example of a similar phenomenon. The main character portrayed by the people’s champ The Rock is on a mission of vengeance against some guy who I’ve never seen in any other movie. He gets Kelly Hu to fall in love with him by murdering a lot of bad guys. Yes, he’s The Rock. He’s shaped like a God, has a bright white smile, and he’s multiracial. What is it about multiracial people that we love so much? They’re like a buffet of nationalities. The point is, he never really does anything to get the girl to really like him. Yeah he protects her, but he’s also the one who kidnapped her. It’s a pretty shallow lesson when you think about it. She clearly only liked The Rock for his looks. Never did he do anything romantic. Unless you count getting shot in the back with an arrow romantic. I don’t. I’m not conservative enough for that.

(“Catch this!” I think this is the third time in a week I mentioned The Rock. I think I should be shot with an arrow for nerdness)

Other films have similar antics. Recently I watched the Ryan Gossling film Drive. For a movie called Drive, there wasn’t much driving. I am happy though that the Incubus song didn’t make an appearance. I can’t like Incubus based on the fact that their band name comes from a demon who impregnates girls on the night of their first period and their big song has the lyrics “Whatever tomorrow brings I’ll be there.” Whatever tomorrow brings? What if tomorrow brings her arriving at your place with your best friend in her pants? Stop being such pussies with an awesome band name. But anyway, in the film Ryan Gossling’s love interest falls for him almost immediately. I think all he did was help her with groceries. He has no real personality and never smiles. How can you love someone who never smiles? Yes, again like with the Scorpion King there’s a lot of saving and protecting. But policemen do that every day. That doesn’t make them sexy.

(Their interrogation tactics do!)

I haven’t seen it in a while, but Last of the Mohicans had a major love story to it. I don’t remember why or how they fell in love. It was love at first sight though. Similar to the whole Pocahontas shit. I’ve been through it before and I want to go through it again. There is no reason why John Smith could ever love Pocahontas for non-shallow reasons and vice versa. They spoke completely different languages. Didn’t she also die when he brought her back to England? Imagine that. He brought her back to meet his parents and she gets sick and dies. All that time she spent hanging around a raccoon yet it’s a head cold that kills her. John Smith was a shallow mind-controlling asshole.

The film Die Hard is guilty of this too in a way. Bruce Willis is separated from his wife and he goes to visit her in LA. He’s a New York City cop and he flies all the way out there for her stupid office party. He even brings her a big teddy bear. For you Europeans not familiar with the size of the US, that would be like flying from London to whatever is 3,000 miles away. After he manages to kill all of the terrorists single-handedly (the guy from Family Matters does kill Karl, I should give that bisexual black man some credit, yep the dad from Family Matters is bisexual) all of the arguments between he and his wife seem to be forgiven. I suppose if you follow through the series further their relationship doesn’t work out. So maybe this isn’t a very good example. But you did learn that Reginald VelJohnson is bisexual which could come in handy someday if you’re ever trying to get a threesome going.

(I guess when you own shirts like this you take whatever you can get)

Some credit should be given for any woman who has a thing with John Favreau on film. His characters are always so bleak and annoying. His face makes him even less appealing. As awful as his credits always are, he does have some charm and at least has a personality unlike so many action heroes. I could say the same thing about Ron Perlman. He’s basically Future John Favreau. What they have that these other love makers don’t are the things women in real life look for in a guy. These girls don’t just care about a strong moral code and the ability for their man to kill a lot of people.

So what is the appeal of a tough guy who doesn’t actually save the day? You know the type of person I’m talking about. Those Ed Hardy gangster wannabes with pencil thin sideburns. They always seem to get the girls. Girls with large breasts, thin waists, and empty heads. Dream girls. I need to have my family murdered. Then I will get vengeance and along the way meet a woman who will like me because I’m quiet and know how to kill men with my bare hands.

  1. The Scorpion King was no Conan the Barbarian.
    I could easily give you advice that would solve all your problems with women.
    But if the old guys give the young guys all the answers, you won’t have to make the same mistakes we did.
    And where is the fun in that?

  2. I will give you one free piece of advice… (and it is worth the price)…
    As a start, do not put the picture of the big, muscley guy right next to the picture of you in that goofy hat. (Do not get upset. You know I love you, and I think the hat makes you look young and street-wise and even a little tough… in a cute sort of a way)…
    When normal guys stand next to bulging muscle guys, we look small in comparison.
    The good news is, when those guys take their pants off, they have the same problem. The huge muscles make their other…uh… appendages look small in comparison)… I am surprised no one has pointed this out to them yet.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I get by on my “boyish charm” according to two male friends of mine. They’re not friends anymore. They brought up the “boy charm” thing a little too often.

      But thanks for the advice!

  3. Addie says:

    After I read this phrase: Last of the Mohicans, I lost track.


  4. Cafe says:

    Yeah, personality definitely matters when it comes to attraction. I know I’ve been with a few guys who were definitely not your typical “stud” (actually some of my friends were like, “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???”). But I found their personality/character really upped their attractiveness factor. Why do guys with no redeeming qualities still get the girl? I dunno, but you probably don’t wanna date the girl who goes for that kinda dude anyway 🙂

    • Mooselicker says:

      So much knowledge within you Janice. Girls who “want to be treated like a princess” are usually the ones who fall for the guys with the cut up knuckles and gold teeth. Why would anyone want to be treated like a princess? All they do is fight with their fathers then get held for ransom. Why not be a Queen? At least then you make some decisions in your own life.

  5. I feel that this post is more targeted towards the large breasted, empty headed, red bandana wearing girls. I don’t ever remember finding the Scorpion King attractive. Too many muscles reminds me of the Ninja Turtles and I’m not into turtles.

    Most times when I’ve really liked a guy my friends have gone “Ewww Karen, he looks like a stick of celery”. So clearly not all girls like mass-murdering juice monkeys.

    But lets be clear on one thing. Ryan Gosling ALWAYS wins. Always. Nobody woman cares whether he’s smiling, kissing babies or shooting new born kittens. He always gets the girl in the end no matter how much a gigantic asshole he may be.

    PS: Karl Winslow, the loving husband, family man and father of 2 (or 3?) is bisexual?!! Way to ruin my childhood Moose 😦

    • Mooselicker says:

      Ha I love that you associate muscular men with TMNT. They were teenage boys and I remember a phys.ed teacher saying that teenage boys have the best chance of putting on muscle mass. It’s understandable. Creepy that a man in a toupee told me that, but still a nice excuse to have.

      It seems like more girls are into really thin guys than muscular ones. I don’t think I’ve ever met a girl who was real into steroid buff guys. Were girls ever into that? Maybe in Roman times. But back then guys died when they were like 16 of old age so maybe it’s all about the muscular teenage boy thing.

      I never watched Family Matters. Was his last name Winslow? I’m upset that Michael Winslow didn’t get the part. He wouldn’t have even had to of changed his name. Plus I love sound effects.

      • I loved TMNT as a kid. My favorite was Leonardo because he seemed like he had a cool head on his turtly green shoulders.

        I’m sure Mr. Muscles was popular in the caveman days when he needed muscles to kill bears and literally bring home the bacon. Nowadays, most girls are attracted to the skinny guy who knows his way around the freezer section rather than the juicehead to eats straight out of the freezer section.

        Kind of embarassing but I had no idea who Michael Winslow was. Upon some quick Googling, I realised that he actually would have been perfect for the part of Karl Winslow. He even looks like Karl.

      • Mooselicker says:

        You can’t just look at Michael Winslow, you gotta hear him! A man who made a career out of being a sound effects machine? This truly is the greatest country in the world (unless he’s from somewhere else).

  6. AgrippingLife says:

    Daniel Day Lewis was the adopted son of chinggotchcook. (sounded out phonetically) too lazy to look it up in google. Anyway, I’m with Addie. I’ll take Nathaniel any day of the week.
    Some women like to feel that their man will protect them from French Indians. I know, that’s kind of specific.

    • Mooselicker says:

      French Indian sounds like such an oxymoron. I’m almost tempted to smack my mouth Indian fashion and instead of making a “Wa Wa Wa Wa” sound I do “Oui Oui Oui Oui” Get it? French Indian…

  7. Addie says:

    You’ve got to watch the French-Anything. Indians, Canadians, French. We needs our protection with Daniel.

  8. Emily He says:

    I don’t have a thing for The Rock, but Vin Diesel…meee-ow! He has everything The Rock has plus a genteel smile and minus the hair. I could do without all the muscle though and the deep, overly-macho voice. Actually, he’s also too manly. (i did just say that and I’m straight). Ryan Gosling is more on my scale of attractive hombres, but like Brad Pitt, they just barely pass the test. Then there’s James Franco…man of my dreams…perfect amount of muscle, a friendly, seductive smile, excellent hair and an air of mystery. I’m going to take a moment to brag here: I’ve walked past James Franco 3 times while living in NYC. Once I heard him talking on the phone and I nearly melted on the spot. Sigh…

    • Mooselicker says:

      Do you like any normal looking guys? Vin Diesel and The Rock are very similar. I’d have to go after Dwayne though. I bet Vin’s jealous that The Rock makes bad movies now. He stole his whole career!

  9. troy7377 says:

    Getting shot with an arrow does have an appeal. It leaves a scar. Chicks dig a scar. And the long-ball Or so TV tells me..

  10. Lily says:

    Okay Drive was the worst movie. That was your best example. Because Ryan actually didn’t crack a smile the whole time. I want to say that he’s a terrible actor because of that movie, but I know he’s really not. Also, I couldn’t tell if the movie was set in the 80s on not because of the soundtrack and his stupid silk jacket. Also I dislike Carey Mulligan.
    Guys just need to be nice, kind, caring, and funny. That will get you a long way. You can be douchey sometimes, but girls have to know deep down that your sensitive. It’s comforting.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Drive was my main “drive” for this one. Feel free to use that hilarious joke wherever you would like.

      I only knew it was present day because he was listening to a Los Angeles Clipper game and they mentioned the name Griffin and I know 3 basketball players and Blake Griffin is one of them. I do like that they couldn’t get the rights to have a Laker’s game audio. Too expensive. But I agree, that movie was very disappointing (I can never remember if it’s 2 s’s or 2 p’s, I should know by now from all of the times my dad sends me emails saying what I am to him).

      In the end I think guys need to be honest. Most “hard-knocks” are just putting on a show. And most wimps are doing it because they don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. Find the medium people!

  11. I have seen The Scorpion King many times :). Part of your youth, you know. I can’t remember much of the movie, except the scene where he’s buried in the groun, but his head is not, and he defeats those little scorpions creeping on him. Oh, and the scene where the beautiful young princess (such an original character!) rises out of the water and her hair is very spontaneous on the right spot. Even then I laughed at such things.

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