Children love them. No I’m not talking about mass murders. Why would you think that? If anyone hates mass murders it would be children. Children are the one group of people who actually enjoy traffic. It gives them a longer amount of time to play their Gameboys or poke their sisters in the ear with their fingers. Rarely are children killed in mass. I don’t know why. It’s pretty easy to kill a kid. They strangle themselves with the chords on the blinds. How do you manage that? Kids are so fucking stupid. No wonder they love stickers so much.

I used to enjoy stickers. I enjoyed how you could place them on anything. I could take a sticker of a unicorn and stick it on an important document that it didn’t belong on. I remember in high school using blank stickers and writing bad words on them. I would stick them on cafeteria tables. They were removable which meant this caused little inconvenience. Now as I’m older stickers fly under my radar. No longer are they fun or something I ever think about needing. Stickers are like the problems in Africa to me. I know they exist but there’s nothing I can really do with or about them.

(This man, no different from the sticker on my windshield saying my car didn’t pass inspection)

Sometimes children are rewarded with stickers. I always thought that was a crappy prize. Even when I was a sticker kid I knew how lame that was. You did good kid, here, have a little piece of paper that you can place on another piece of paper. Then you have a paper covered in stickers. What do you do with that besides look at it once then throw it away? Sticker collages are no fun. It’s an excuse for not being able to draw. I think we should take all sticker collages and give them to the homeless for food. You eat enough paper you have to get some nutrients out of it.

My girlfriend still likes stickers. It’s okay because she’s 7. Huh? The law where I live is their age plus how many adult teeth they have. If it doesn’t equal 18, you’re committing a crime. I bought her stickers for her birthday last year. She actually wanted them. I think they were stickers of horses or pandas. I don’t remember. Something Asian. She loves little Asian stuff. I swear one day she’s going to move to Japan and nobody will ever hear from her again.

(The Japanese Mafia called The Yakuza. They’re very dangerous…I thought)

Adults have their own versions of stickers. We call them labels. It’s no different. You can call a guy “that darky” all you want but he’s still your son-in-law. I use a lot of labels at work. They’re helpful. They allow me to be more efficient. If I wasn’t efficient at my job then people might start to wonder why a human can’t do something a monkey can. I’m talking about a smart monkey of course. One that can do sign language. Did you know that an erect gorilla’s penis is 1.5 inches long? I know that and cannot remember how I know that. Figured I’d throw that in here because I’m all about giving out facts.

One place you should never put a sticker is on a wall. That is of course, a wall you are responsible for. I’ve been to friends bedrooms where they had stickers on the wall. Do they not understand the meaning of the word sticker? It sticks. Things that stick are irremovable. Boogers are sticky and almost impossible to get out of the girl in front of me on the elevator’s hair. The hardest place to get a sticker off of is a wood floor. I remember accidentally placing them there. I couldn’t get it off in one solid piece which was sad. A broken sticker? Nothing makes my inner child weep more. It’s a cracked image. Someone slaved away in a factory and possibly died to create that miniature image only for it to get stuck on your floor during a careless playing with action figures session. Think about that.

(When I was a boy I would eat my bananas then place the sticker on my shirt. It let the boys know I had high potassium and let the girls know I was not a sexual object)

Should I think stickers should be exterminated? Of course not. How do you exterminate something that isn’t living? Plus I will always have a fondness for scratch and sniff stickers. Is there anything more amazing than something that doesn’t smell nice until you scratch it? Science has paid off. I can see a sticker of a flower that smells like dirt.

  1. This is either the deepest, most complex piece you have ever done, or you have just gone right off the deep end. Maybe both.
    Did you know that peanut butter will remove stuck on stickers? No? But you knew about the gorilla penis, didn’t you? I think that goes a long way towards clearing up this mystery.
    Unless you answered yes, you did know about the peanut butter trick, in which case we are back at square one.
    Either way I do agree that it is hard to take even the Yakuza seriously when they are sporting those weird backwards-thong diapers.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I did not know that peanut butter fact. I think the gorilla fact was learned while pursuing a girl I admired who worked at an animal habitat. I figured if I could outsmart her at her own game she would be mine. I probably should have learned more than penis facts. Did you know a shark has two and that they use one as an arm?

  2. Lily says:

    This was quite a funny one! I used to have a sticker book when I was little. That way, I could keep all of my stickers in one place and they would never get ripped or anything. I was really into Lisa Frank stickers. Tell me you know the brand Lisa Frank. It’s like the best thing that ever happened to my childhood.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I have a sister born in 1990, of course I know what Lisa Frank is! Because of my sister…yeah.

      She had a hot pink stuffed animal of a cat and our old dog ripped it out of a tent and dragged it around the yard. I don’t blame you for getting into Lisa Frank. The colors were pretty cool and they were animal stuff! I found a picture a child made me a few years back covered in stickers. What a stupid kid. I never even met her and she made me a picture. Don’t give gifts to strangers!

      • Lily says:

        Aww you probably still have that picture. Don’t even pretend like you don’t.

      • Mooselicker says:

        I do. I totally forgot about it. I found it in an old notebook. It’s creepy though because I never met the kid. She’s probably like 13 now. I could ruin her reputation.

  3. Addie says:

    Until now, I held myself as the Ruler of Segue/Non Sequiturs. I bow to you.

  4. joehoover says:

    I spend about 8.2 hours a year removing stickers from my bosses kids Ipads, macbooks etc when tthey’re bored of them and they want the next model, they have considerately stuck them all over the lids just so I can have fun removing them to sell on ebay for them.

    I hate stickers as much as I hate spoiled kids but this has made me view them in a different light, I shoudln’t be so quick to judge.

    • Mooselicker says:

      No, you’re right. Stickers do suck. Sometimes at work I have to use “Goo-Gone” to remove stickers from laptop. How is Goo-Gone legal? I get dizzy whenever I use it. Probably shouldn’t lick my hands after but it’s a force of habit.

      • joehoover says:

        There’s a product?! I’ve been gently rubbing off the residue with a dab of water and a tissue.

        And it gets me high?! I’m phoning my stationery supplier….

      • Mooselicker says:

        Yuppers check it out. It’s really gross and slimy but well worth the feeling of you’re not even at work.

  5. Stickers are cool until you actually put them on something and then the fun ends. Like a lottery ticket, fun to have and imagine what you would do if you won, but afterward, complete garbage.

    By the way, Lisa Frank… so tacky. Let’s just say that whatever is cool at the time, Beanie Babies, Pokemon, etc. is what you’ll be stuck buying for your kids. I hope when your generation has children that the world will be a better, more attractive, and sophisticated place.

  6. Stuck in a tree says:

    Hahaha… I think they were bears.

  7. I loved stickers. Especially golden stars stickers I got as a kid for acing tests. The stickers meant absolutely nothing obviously. Even as an 8 year old I knew that. But I liked them because they were shiny and next to wood, paper is probably the next impossible thing to remove them from. So NO ONE could deny I was a goody two shoes golden child. And they’d look like an asshole with a half torn out sticker if they did.

    Tomato stickers should be exterminated. They’re so hard to get off without damaging the tomato.

    Your post started off as a fun talk about stickers to a confusingly philosphical post about them. I like it. Confusing bits and all.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Stickers weren’t around in olden times for guys like Socrates to discuss. I feel it’s my duty to at least explore from a massively intelligent perspective what they mean to the fate of human kind.

      And I agree on the tomato stickers. Same goes for apples. I’m always breaking the stems 😦

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