Posted: March 23, 2012 in Uncategorized
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How do you make a friend in college? Same as anywhere else. You talk to them, earn their trust, share a deep secret about yourself, learn a deep secret about them, use them for a couple of car rides, threaten them with exposing their deep secret if they don’t let you copy their homework, admit your deep dark secret wasn’t true anyway when they threaten to do the same, and always high-five them when you spot each other on campus. It’s much the same as anywhere else. The hardest part of making friends is starting a conversation. That’s where the key to college friendships lies. The college conversation starter, asking someone about their major.

My college major was Radio/TV. I figured I listen to the radio and I watch TV. It’s destiny. All I remember about radio is the term “boxcar” which is something that nobody has to do anymore due to the fact that computers play all the songs. All I remember about TV class was white balancing and making sure the tripod was straight by having a little bubble be inside of a larger bubble. I was so bad at these classes that I only got A’s when it was mandatory to give an A if you did what you were told. During one filming session I was in charge of the camera. I had no idea how to use it and after an amazing 30 minutes of shooting the director went back to listen to it. No sound. I had plugged the chord into the wrong place. I blamed the cute actress who I’m pretty sure caught me peeing in the woods.

(Somewhere in here Dick Clark is waiting to die. That’s what we in the humor business call a callback joke! Too bad it took a few days)

I never made too many friends in college outside of the majors I had. Most of the kids were pretty weird. There was one girl I tried to make friends with. I made a joke about killing a dog and she laughed. I really wish I remembered what it was because never have I made a girl cackle like that before or again. I think she’s quarterback for the Eagles now. She was going to school for nursing. That’s about as far as we talked. We were in a group and I asked her what her major was. She said nursing. I said mine. Then we kind of sat there staring at each other and I added her on Myspace 5 months after classes ended. At least she accepted. Did she even know who I was? Probably not. She called me Tom at least twice.

 (She was one letter off and look how close the “i” and the “o” are. I forgive you tiny blonde girl)

It makes sense that such a boring topic would be the conversation starter for college kids. In general, people in college are pretty boring. At least us non-college kids can talk about our Target credit card bills and check engine lights. Kids in college don’t have those things in their life. It’s all about whatever their majoring in. That is their life. If you’re going to school for nursing, all you talk about are stethoscopes and diarrhea. Those majoring in philosophy quote dead Romans who believed the sun revolved around a flat earth. You know, guys who really had worldly knowledge despite never leaving their county or province. Students who say they major in anything that involve computers spend most of their time playing World of Warcraft. They don’t consider it a time waster. They say it’s research.

Even while not talking to other students, college kids are asked what their major is by adults. “You go to Shitface University? What’s your major?” could be an example of what someone might say to a college student upon finding out that they are a Rutgers student. Nobody really cares about what your major is. They always give the same reaction. They head pull back, possibly to the side, eyebrows raised, followed by an “Ohhh that sounds interesting” despite it never being. Unless your major involves flapping your asshole in my face and you are a hot college girl, I don’t really care what it is you’re studying.

After retiring from college no longer will people ask you what your major is. Now they ask you what you do. What I do is hope that someone I’m related to wins the lottery and I can just sit around getting fat until the day I die. That’s really what I’m doing. Through all of the work I’m only doing it in hopes that I somehow begin the butterfly effect that causes this rhetorical family member to win a jackpot. If you believe in the butterfly effect, as in a butterfly flapping it’s wings could cause a hurricane somewhere else, you have to believe that you might be responsible for the Japanese tsunamis last year. Really, that happened last March. I was pretty stuffy last March. Blowing my nose all the time. I claim ownership over the death of all of those Japanese people. That is if you believe in the butterfly effect which isn’t even what the film Butterfly Effect is about. Pretty poorly titled considering they mean different things.

(When will we hold butterflies accountable for all of the deaths caused in natural disasters? Go out and kill one today. You’ll save a lot of lives)

Only again will someone ask you about your major when they find out that you went to the same school. Or if they’re a nosey bitch. You might find yourself years out of school with some mustached retard at work claiming he also went to Shitface State, archrival of Shitface University. You’ll find out that you graduated the same year then he’ll ask you what your major was. Like that changes anything. You still didn’t know each other back then. It’s just something he’s saying to get into your pants. I don’t care if you’re both straight guys. If the conversation ever gets that horrendously non-eavesdrop worthy it means someone is trying to do something to someone else’s butt.

  1. Lily says:

    You’re like, obsessed with butts. And butt holes.
    Majors are good in one aspect because they kind of sum a person up without actually having to get to know them. Like math majors had no friends and could easily be persuaded to do my homework, english majors liked the sound of their own voices, business majors were people who couldn’t decided on a major but didn’t want to be undeclared. I kind of tricked people with mine. I think everyone thought I was really wise or something because of history, but nope! I just like story time.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Don’t forget hospitality majors. Those were nice people who had no other redeeming qualities except being friendly. Also probably good at calling up on the phone saying “Room 211 needs more towels”

  2. You have intimacy issues.
    And, like Lily said, some issues which may stem from potty training related trauma.
    But we still love you. Deal with it.

  3. I hated when people asked me my major. A lot of people couldn’t pronounce the word kinesiology, let alone know what it was. Before anyone could ask me what my major was, I would tell them I grew up in Kuwait. Instant questions would follow about whether I was a refugee and if people in Kuwait eat bread. It was just easier and more fun to make shit up about a country no one even knows exists then talk about exercise and anatomy.

    That’s what you do when you sense the straight guy at the office is going to ask what your major was. Tell him your best friend is from the People’s Republic of Lookielou or that you own a pet platypus or something equally madeup and obscure.

    On a completely unrelated note, I’m glad I now know your name. Calling you Moose or Mooselicker felt like I was calling you names. And that’s just rude.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Do people in Kuwait eat bread? I heard whenever there’s a snowstorm they only go out and get eggs and milk, no bread. Something to do with everyone there being on Atkins. I’m proud that I already did know what kinesiology was. Don’t know if I could normally spell it without looking, but I knew what it was. The science of gym teachers.

      Your offices have a lot of homosexuals too? Sometimes I feel like I’m the only straight one here. But I’m also the only one who never eats cake so maybe that makes me a femme. I’m getting older, gotta watch the figure!

      • “I heard whenever there’s a snowstorm they only go out and get eggs and milk, no bread.”

        Replace the word ‘snowstorm’ with ‘war’ and you’ve got yourself a pretty accurate statement. Something about war makes everyone want carbs and no protein or calcium. But that hasn’t happened in over 20 years so eggs and milk get equal rights as bread.

        My office is an extemely heterosexual all-female environment. As for your office, good call on not eating that cake. Office cake is the worst. One minute you’re eating cake with your questionably femme co-workers, the next minute you find yourself adopting a plant named Penny and becoming the proverbial single lady.

      • Mooselicker says:

        You’re too quick and clever for your own good.

  4. Is the equivalent of asking a major in the post-college world asking what someone does for a living? I feel like asking where someone went to college after the fact becomes rude because it presumes they went to school, and if they didn’t, that they have to explain themselves. And I just don’t have that kind of time. Which I guess is what some people could call rude, but I say asking is rude, not caring is fine.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I think you did a 720 here. You went around in a circle twice to come back to the same place. I think only younger kids ask the college questions presuming everyone went to school. Or it’s only asked to younger kids. Mostly couldn’t it be people who went to fancy colleges ask that question or if they have a fancy job they’ll ask what you do? I never ask a question that I wouldn’t be willing to answer. It’s a good rule to keep from getting punched.

      • Heee. I talk myself in circles at bedtime. I am always willing to ask questions that I would answer, and I think that’s actually a really good point. Maybe asking what someone does for a living sets up whether or not they had to get some sort of degree for it. You just have to be careful if the person works as a barista, because they either got, let’s say, a Geography degree, or never finished high school. The probability of offending can be really high. But if the person is a teacher, you can with all likelihood assume they went to college. Now this is either going to make a lot of sense, clarify my first comment, or turn me in a circle again!

      • Mooselicker says:

        I agree. This comment now has me confused.

  5. Addie says:

    I didn’t finish my attempts to get a degree. So, I could say, “Well, depends on the year.”

  6. Pete Howorth says:

    Rohypnol was how I made friends in college, Rohypnol and money. It worked every time, then I learnt what charm was and how it could be used to my advantage so I tend to use that these days as rohypnol and money are hard to come by these days.

  7. roy pocock says:

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