The first time was cute. The first time for anything is cute. The first time man stepped foot on the moon, adorable! Look at silly Neil, bouncing up and down like a dog in a swimming pool. When Obama won the election I wanted to pinch his cheeks it was so cute having a black president. Even the first plane crash was pretty damn swell. You know, the old black and white footage of the plane with the wings flapping? You can’t help but laugh at the carnage that did not ensue and does now each time a plane does crash. If we went back to that old model, Lost would have been a 3 minute show and J.J. Abrams could go back to being named after Good Times characters like he should.

(President Obama looking so adorable at his inauguration in his big boy suit)

When things jump the shark, become too common, they lose their flair. It’s no longer interesting or admirable. What exactly is it I am referring to specifically with all of this? Pleas to celebrities to go on dates with the downtrodden. I’ll do my best not to shit on marines or cancer kids in this, but no promises.

If you don’t have any idea what I’m talking about, let me catch you up. There’s this trend going around where common folk like you and I ask celebrities out on dates. Usually they do it via YouTube. You know, the website with videos that doesn’t have any nudity. Yeah, I think it’s useless too. I’ve never watched these videos. Why would I? I have better things to do like eating and checking my dog’s poop for worms. Finally found some! My bucket list is getting shorter and shorter each day.

I’m not positive what my first experience with these entrapment dates was. I think it was a marine asking Mila Kunis out on a date. Hey, I’d love to go on a date with Mila Kunis. I’d even ask if she wanted dessert afterwards. I’d drive to a separate place for the dessert too for Mila Kunis. I don’t just do that for anyone. It’s usually you can get an appetizer and if you’re still hungry you can pick at what I have left on my plate when I’m done. To Mila’s credit, I don’t think she ever went on the date with the marine. She politely turned it down. She gets harassed and jerked off to all the time. You really think because you have a webcam and camouflage on that she should go on a date with you? Actually now that I think about it, she actually did go over to visit him. I’m not really sure and don’t feel like looking it up. Point is, Mila baby, you don’t have to ride in a black hawk helicopter to come and see me. I bet that marine didn’t even take you somewhere interesting to eat. I’m not pleading with you to go on a date with me, just suggesting.*

*I researched it and she did meet up with him. She went to a Marine’s Ball in one of the Carolinas. Sounds like a blast.

There seems to be a new one of these everyday on the Yahoo homepage, my number one source for news other than listening to high school girls gossip at the mall. Today I learned that Michelle is a whore. That was from the high school girls, not Yahoo. There’s nothing wrong with asking celebrities out on dates, it’s just–I don’t know. Corny. It’s desperate. There are plenty of beautiful people out there in the world as lonely and pathetic as you are. Try them. Maybe, and this is a real shot in the dark, you will be more compatible with a chick who works in an office than one who plays pretend in front of a camera.

(I’m sure she makes an awesome bowl of oatmeal)

Not always are these pleas from marines. Sometimes they’re from kids with diseases. Finally, sick children making use out of their own wish. I always thought what would happen if a Make A Wish Kid asked for his one wish to be having sex with a celebrity. My guess is they’d smother the child with a pillow immediately. No way they’re letting him into the pants of some Hollywood starlet. I know it’s great to ban together to get some kid a date with a celebrity and I’m mostly jealous that I’m not even allowed to fart near one let alone feel one up, but the all that effort to help the kid meet a celebrity crush doesn’t do anything. All your hard work spent on trying to fly in–Fibi from Friends? Kids think she’s sexy right?–could be better used in other ways. If the kid is dead in the water, for sure, get him whoever he wants. Force her to touch his soon to be dead body. Make her do some magic tricks for him like pulling a cure out of a hat. Maybe I’m harsh, but I think all this teaches us is nobody gives a shit about you until you’re dead or dying. Which is true.

I could never get a date with a celebrity crush. My life isn’t bad enough. I take care of myself, I’m not retarded, I’m probably going to be stuck on this rock called earth for a few more years. If I want a celebrity to screw, I do it the old fashion way. I break into her mansion and have my way. Or I work really hard to make a name for myself. Make them want me. I hate all kinds of free handouts. Especially when they involve putting guilt on some poor celebrity into having no choice but to tell you that your video was charming but they have to politely decline your request to stare at you awkwardly for 10 minutes while you blab about how much you loved her in some terrible movie. How can any other girl ever love you after you’ve publicly humiliated yourself showing how obsessed you can be with a stranger? She knows she’ll never live up to that. Why should she even bother?

Simply put, you’re a loser if you ever make one of these videos.

So here’s my first of many to come.

Off the record: I swear my delivery is much better in the second one I made. This took about 2 hours to figure out and that doesn’t include how long it took me to realize I needed to convert the file. I had originally done a very flamboyantly gay voice, but realized I couldn’t say certain words with a lisp, like anything starting with an S. I’m also adding a link to my YouTube channel I created on my blogroll so you can look at the other things I put up there. And for good measure I’ve added a picture of Ms. Malin Akerman at the end of this post because I will get more Facebook hits from that being the thumbnail used.

  1. [..because his writing is full of understated humour and intelligence and simply awesome..]

  2. jensine says:

    Fair play to you and it could become a whole series … my celebrity crush (Cary Grant) is dead, so unless youtube can be seen from beyond the grave I’m screwed

    • Mooselicker says:

      I sure hope YouTube can be seen beyond the grave. You should try making a video. I’m sure Mr. Grant doesn’t have much else going on for the rest of eternity.

  3. Lily says:

    Oooomg. Why did I watch all 6 and a half minutes of your video? Celebrity pleas are weird, but I feel like I’m someone who could definitely pull one off. I don’t look completely awful, so I figure someone would go on a pity date with me. That was a very nice vid though. I’m sure she’ll appreciate it. But in all seriousness, I hope she calls you for a date.

    • Mooselicker says:

      You watched it because you want to be the first to know about the next YouTube star! Or flop.

      I fully intend on blogging about my date with Ms. Akerman. Full disclosure too. Bedroom webcam so everyone can see me enter it alone crying that all I got from her was a 10 minute public chat.

  4. hahah best celebrity plea video ever. It has the right touch of creepiness what with you knowing all those stalkerish details. My favorite was the poem at the begining and the $5.00 AMC coupons. They have AMC in Jersey too?? If she ever calls you on that date (which she should if she knows whats good for her) you can use your Toronto Guide book and bring her to AMCs here. I’m sure the coupons will still be good and she will admire your resourcefulness.

    I was envious of Malin Ackerman’s aryan hair ever since I saw her on The Proposal. Upon some stalking on Wiki I found that we both went to the same university. If I ever meet her in real life, I’ll definitely ask her about her major.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Wow I think you gave me my opener when I meet her outside the AMC. “You went to the same school as a blogger I know.” She’ll feel an instant connection. If she doesn’t she lying to herself.

      I hope she doesn’t find my knowledge of her too creepy. Girls like it when us guys take an active interest in their lives. That’s all I wanted to do. That and maybe scare her a little bit into going out somewhere.

      • Oh Tim, anything I can do to help your Akerman cause. I’ll even send you some Tim Hortons coupons (Canada’s pride and joy coffee house) in case she was needs a little caffiene fix later. She’ll be impressed at how enthusiastic you are about learning her culture.

        You may wonder why I’m so eager to help out two complete strangers. What can I say, I’m a sucker for true love 😉

        Out of curiousity though, has scaring a girl ever lead to her going out with you somewhere? If it has, you’re smoother than I give you credit for.

      • Mooselicker says:

        I appreciate all the help.

        I mean, it hasn’t worked yet, but think of all the failed Apollo Missions before you call me crazy. It took 11 tries but we finally built a studio to film the moon landing in.

  5. Addie says:

    You are very flexible.

  6. Umm, wow! It’s so weird to actually see you in semi-person. Like Lily, I hope you get a hot date with Malin Ackerman. I think she’ll be very flattered but perhaps a little freaked out that you know everything about her? If she does go out with you, I think it will be in part due to the ihop lure. No girl can resist a stack of pancakes late in the evening on her first date. It spells, sure thing.

    And I agree with Addie – very flexible.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I hope she tells me what color she’s wearing so I can get a bow-tie to match. You would think an Ihop date would have me married to her by now. Still no word though. Celebrities usually get drunk and break things on the weekends. I’ll give it another week or so and then I’m moving onto someone new.

      I’d be lying if I didn’t say my leg really hurt after that.

  7. Nice to see you smile and hear your voice. Good luck, Tim 😉

  8. Have you ever gotten a date by telling a married lady that her husband comes from a country that once had a jerk ruling it? Also, I suggest that for the next video, you pick up the stuffed moose and give it a good licking while staring lasciviously into the camera. I think this will lend a certain air of dignity to the proceedings.

  9. Pete Howorth says:

    I think me and you should go “two’s on her”. It’s an English phrase, I’ll show you what it means when I kidnap her. I love how there’s an actual moose in the room 😀

    • Mooselicker says:

      Malin, if you’re reading this comment please know I have no intentions of doing this sexual act on you with somebody else. Unless you want to. I’m always up for learning new terms and phrases and the best way for me to learn is by doing.

  10. Cafe says:

    HAHA i am with Karen, you got the celebrity stalker down =P
    And also with Lily, how did I get to the end of that video??? lol
    I love that stuffed moose!!

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