Entrance Themes

Posted: March 27, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I do my best to make my life into a cartoon. It’s not too hard. Most people I know are very cartoonish. They do stupid things like buy devices to catch road runners or watch Glee. One thing that makes life very much like a cartoon is the entrance theme. You know, music that goes with a particular character. Lots of people have entrance themes. Every time a batter comes up to the plate in baseball music hits. When a wrestler comes out for a match, he has his own special music. Even the idiots Jay Leno interviews have some tune played for them as they walk to a couch that has so many famous farts imprinted in the cushion that it must be worth millions.

Today I would like to provide some entrance themes for a particular group of people. Politicians. I don’t know much about politics at all as my favorite radio program is Coast To Coast AM which discusses ghosts and aliens, not the fat cats in Washington. Not that there isn’t much of a difference between the paranormal as there is with politicians. Both scare the shit out of me. So here they are. Songs I think politicians I see people on Facebook complaining about. Like I said, I don’t know much about them. I’m just going off of their names, character flaws, and stereotypes. Feel free to contribute anything better than what I have.

Barack Obama – Back in Black by ACDC

I’ll start simple with this one. If Obama wins again, he should use this. Get it? Because he’s back and he’s black. I can hear your laughter from here. If he loses, perhaps he could go with something like Hey, Hey, My, My by Neil Young. We’d have to use the “Into the blue and out of the black” version which doesn’t exist, but Neil’s already redone that song so many times he can make it happen. I don’t know how this would work. Unless one of those blue Kentucky people I am obsessed with becomes president it wouldn’t make sense. Leave it to Neil Young to release the same song twice and change the order of colors and call it new.

 

Rick Santorum – Welcome Home (Sanitarium) by Metallica

This would need to be a cover version where instead of Sanitarium they say Santorum. The basic chorus of the song would go “Rick Santorum, leave me be. Rick Santorum, just leave me alone.” I don’t know much about Ricky. I do know that he seems to get shit on a lot by my massively liberal Facebook friends. I don’t get how you could hate someone so much that you post mean things about them on a Facebook status. That’s like the ultimate insult and always gets someone to change their vote, right?

 

Chris Christie – Tomorrow by Silverchair

You need to know the chorus to this song to get this joke. You also need to know that Chris Christie is one huge fat fuck. He’s the governor of my home state of New Jersey yet I have never heard anyone say a single nice thing about him. I know he’s screwed over the teachers and the cops. I kind of get why though. People are stupid and they want lower taxes but they also want teachers and cops to get paid a lot and be plentiful. You can’t have both. That wouldn’t make sense. Anyway, he’s still a fat fuck. Listen to the chorus where they say “fat boy” over and over again then you’ll see what a hoot this is.

 

Herman Cain – Big Dumb Sex by Soundgarden

This guy really fell off the radar. I think it had something to do with a sexual assault, no? I hope so. Otherwise this joke makes no sense. I guess I could add it into any politician. They’re all sexual perverts. The chorus to this selection is simply “I know what to do, I’m gonna fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck you-fuck you!” which is basically the summation of every politician ever. Both literally and financially.

 

Mitt Romney – Anything by The Killers

Way too easy. Mitt Romney is a Mormon and so is the guy from The Killers. I could go with a few different selections. “Can You Read My Mind?” for the people who think he’s a bullshitter who isn‘t letting us know what his intentions are. For those who think he’s great I could go in the direction of “Mr. Brightside.” But because I’m in charge here I will go with my favorite song by them, “Don’t Shoot Me Santa.” Nobody wants to get shot by Santa. If he runs on this platform, of preventing Santa from shooting my face, I may have to contemplate voting for him then not doing it.

 

Rick Perry – Paranoid by Black Sabbath

Have you figured out yet that I know nothing about country or pop music? This would have to be another cover song where the lyrics are slightly changed. Obviously instead of Paranoid it would be “Perrynoid.” I never understood the lyrics to this song as it’s Ozzy singing it. I don’t understand much of what Rick Perry’s thought process is on his beliefs. Let’s not change anything then. For the sake of giving this shit-bird a bad theme, he gets a Lady Gaga song since he hates gays so much.

 

Michelle Bachman – Bitch by Meredith Brooks

Need I say more? Simply read about Mrs. Bachman for 5 minutes and tell me she isn’t. I only know this song because my sister listened to this all the time when she was 5. She’s a Colombian drug lord now.

 

Newt Gingrich – The main theme from How the Grinch Stole Christmas by the dead guy who sings it

“You’re a mean one, Mr. Gingrich” has such an amazing ring to it. He divorced his wife while she had cancer. What a Michelle Bachman! He has such a weird name too. Like too weird where he will never be president. What’s with guys with names like Barack, Mitt, and Newt in politics? I miss the days of everyone being named George or Andy. The only difference between Gingrich and The Grinch is that Newt would never steal Christmas. He’s not nearly as smart as The Grinch to pull it off. Oh, I went there.

 

Ron Paul – Crazy Bus from the television show Arthur

Say what you want about Ron Paul, he’s nuts. That’s all you had to say? Okay then. He’s different. I will give him credit for that. I would love to have him as some sort of advisor. He pitches random ideas and when he comes up with something good we use it. I don’t think he’s presidential material. He reminds me too much of a normal eared Ross Perot, who by the way I voted for in the 4th grade presidential election. He got 25 votes in the entire school of about 600. My friend’s older brother said that it was a good choice because Ross Perot likes sports. He wasn’t being sarcastic either. See where my political influences came from? No wonder the world is ending in a couple of months.

Comments
  1. pardonmyzinger says:

    High as a plane or balloony

  2. Lily says:

    This was very creative. Almost TOO creative. Stop it. I liked Mitt Romney’s Mr. Brightside choice. That’s a great song. I had actually never seen the music video for Bitch, but I have always liked that song. Can’t believe your sister knew what a bitch was when she was 5. I barely knew my own name. And the Grinch is such a classic. Maybe someday Newt’s heart will grow 3 sizes and he’ll die?

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks! It started with the Rick Santorum one and I kind of went from there to see what I could come up with. Mr. Brightside is one Killers song I hate. It reminds me of 11th grade. I was always sweaty that year.

      My sister only knew what a bitch was back then because she was a bitch.

  3. Pete Howorth says:

    How this Crazy Bus choon hasn’t reached number 1 in the charts I’ll never know! 😀

  4. The Waiting says:

    You are so funny! I didn’t think you could top assigning Rick Perry a Lady Gaga tune just to spite him, but then you tacked on the Crazy Bus song.

    Also, thanks for reminding me that Silverchair existed. Brings back the memories of seventh grade. Who would’ve thought that the governor of New Jersey would be the one to do it?

    • Mooselicker says:

      It’s probably the best thing Chris Christie has done. Silverchair never really took off did they? For years I thought that song was Pearl Jam. I don’t know why, it doesn’t really even sound like them. I think I’m stupid.

      Thanks for the kind words.

      • The Waiting says:

        Actually your post inspired me to Wikipedia them, and they were apparently together and rather successful in Australia up until last year when they broke up. I can see someone mistaking them for Pearl Jam. Now, if you mistook them for the Smashing Pumpkins or Meredith Brooks, THAT would make me raise an eyebrow.

      • Mooselicker says:

        I’m always surprised how many decent bands come from Australia. Way better than Canada which shocks me. I can’t think of a single Canadian band/musician I really like.

      • The Waiting says:

        Arcade Fire is good, but Justin Bieber cancels them out.

      • Mooselicker says:

        He cancels out that whole place as a country. Kick them out of the UN please.

      • Stuck in a tree says:

        I try not to comment too many positive things on your blog so people don’t realize we like each other, but this was really funny. Well done. Sir.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Why wouldn’t you want people to know we actually like each other? Very mean of you. But thank you Drunk Moose Stuck in a Liberal Viewpoint.

      • Stuck in a tree says:

        And totally meant to make that a separate comment and not just a reply haha. Oh well

  5. This is bloody brilliant. I can only strike back by bragging that I went to high school with some of the guys from Metallica… (I didn’t like them, but there you go)… And I know Les Claypool… so there…

  6. Merideth Brooks is a Columbian drug lord? I thought she was just a lesbian. And Mitt Romney is Mormon? What kind of a name is Mitt anyway? This is why I like your blog Tim. I always learn something new that I can use to strike conversations with randoms.

    Your governer sounds very much like Toronto’s superstar mayor Rob Ford who had grandiose plans of shutting down public libraries and daycare centres and the Toronto zoo. Your song also appropriately fits as he is the definition of fat boy.

    And finally, the Crazy Bus song could apply to all of them.

  7. Well, I hate to break it to you but I love Mitt Romney and I love Chris Christie. And I like Mr. Brightside sooooo, yeah. But I’d agree with Lily, this is a very cool idea for a post. Well done.

    What would your entrance theme be, Moose?

    • Mooselicker says:

      I don’t hate Chris Christie or even Mitt Romney. I hate that people around me hate Chris Christie and I have to listen to them complain about how he knocked down their salary from $65,000 to $60,000. Stop buying so many iPads and you’ll have less complaints, stupid.

      I’m not sure what my entrance theme would be. For some reason Foxy Lady popped into my head first but that wouldn’t fit me very well.

  8. robpixaday says:

    HAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Absolute perfection.
    (Still giggling…will be for a while, I guess)

    If those could be used for the conventions! WOW!!!!!!

    “A Gripping Life” (above) asks a dandy question! “What would your entrance theme be, Moose?”
    I’d like to know, too.

    BTW, your never avatar is adorable. Well, I’ve been away from WP for so long it isn’t new, is it? But it’s still adorable.

    🙂

  9. robpixaday says:

    Ahhh…..
    Well, in case you want to “go rogue” when you run for office, here’s one:

    http ://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5UWRypqz5-o&feature=related
    (I added a space in the beginning of that URL so it wouldn’t open in the comment box)

    I should be around like before, by the end of the week. Was offline for a while, trying to learn how to paint. Slow-going…LOL.
    But I left an audio-message for everyone, yesterday.
    🙂

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’ll be sure to check it out! I myself have been quite busy too. Only have enough time to reply to comments today, but here’s to having more time tomorrow.

      (I’m toasting if you couldn’t tell)

  10. Addie says:

    I thought the frog was adorable.

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