Sob Stories

Posted: March 29, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I had a two paragraph introduction that involved an Indian girl getting her diaper changed in a library bathroom while I urinated only feet away. It seemed like too much of a distraction so I’d like to get right into the purpose of today without getting too detailed into child diaper changing station etiquette.

I had a choice of two places to sit down at the library. One was next to an old woman with reading glasses and the other was next to a guy with a hat. I sat next to the older woman. Perhaps she had a granddaughter. And maybe if I’m lucky I remind her of the guy who deflowered her in 1957, Mitch Timmons. She can relive some sick vicarious fantasy through her granddaughter. That’s what caused me to sit next to the older woman. Thank goodness I’m crazy. Sitting next to hat-face might have turned out worse.

(Mitch Timmons hanging out with his boy Sticky looking cool with their tucked in shirts and hatred off all things square)

Things were going smoothly as they always go at the library. I don’t think I saw the guy who I’m convinced is a huge drug kingpin. I won’t go into exactly why I think he’s a drug kingpin because it would seem racist. I am writing a television pilot based around him though so stay tuned for that to never go anywhere. The guy with the hat whom I will from now on call Bojangles began talking to the black woman next to him. She seemed like your average black woman in her 50s. She was well-spoken, wearing a purple blouse, and was looking at pictures of Oprah online then claiming that they were the same person. Bojangles began talking to her and I heard him mention that he watched some Boy Scouts event at the mall across the street earlier. “Great, a queer” I thought. “Better get out a rope to drag him through town” chimed in a mind reader pointing out my derogatory summation.

The conversation continued and if you haven’t figured it out by the name I chose for him, Bojangles mentioned that he was a homeless. I never would have guessed it either. He seemed like any guy in a band. My guess was he was 30-years-old tops. Basically, he looked too normal to have fallen through the cracks of society. I would have guessed he worked at Hot Topic and enjoyed watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. For a brief moment I thought to myself we could be friends. Then he started talking and I was happy with my choice of sitting next to Murder She Wrote.

(Angela Lansbury gets off on writing about brutal murders)

Further into his life Bojangles went with the black woman. They talked about how he had made a few mistakes. He had apparently gotten with the wrong girl. Because we of course all know, whatever a woman does a man should always follow. Dating a girl and that causing you to become homeless makes you the most pussy whipped man of all time. I’ve heard of guys ditching friends or seeing bad movies for a girl, but never doing so much where it led to you becoming homeless.

Not wanting to invite Bojangles to stay with her, the black woman asked him if he had any family. He said he did but they lived in New York and he didn’t want to bother them with his problems. That makes sense. Because a family isn’t supposed to help you out with things like having a place to live. I’ve said it before, but you need to be one shitty person to not have a single family member or friend to live with. How many bodies did Bojangles have to walk over to get to this place in his life? That place being at a South Jersey library on a Sunday afternoon. You know, heaven on earth.

The black woman was so kind she offered Bojangles information on a friend of hers who might be hiring for a construction job. At least that’s what I heard. I was starting to get really angry that my mind began to drift. Bojangles complained about how his ex-landlord screwed him over and stole his computers. Now you’re getting a little too James Bond for me. If my computer was ever stolen I’d probably follow-up with a police report. I started to think Bojangles was a liar. I knew for a fact that he was a liar when he said he comes to the library to read and I saw a really nice laptop in front of him. So there’s a homeless man giving out his sob story and he owns a laptop. I think his computers weren’t the only thing stolen by the landlord. I think that greasy Italian also took Bojangles’s sense of priorities. You can live your life however you want and prioritize it in any order. For me it goes Food-Shelter-Transportation-Phone-Computer. Something like that. Maybe toss in deep personal relationships with other human beings. I’m still undecided about that one. Bojangles has really turned me off from all human contact.

(Gee, I wonder what this evil landlord is going to get Betty Boop to do to him for her late rent payment)

Like any member of the downtrodden, Bojangles had complaints about politics. He went on and on about the city of Camden. You’ve probably never been to Camden. You’re reading this which means you’re alive. It’s not a very good city. Imagine an infant shitty blood. Now make that a city. You have Camden. Bojangles also made mention of how he used to own a pizza place in 1997. Well there goes my theory of him being 30. I was 10 when he owned a pizza place. The home run record was still 61. Fight Club was only a book. Osama Bin Laden was just a lanky Arab with bowlegs. How did Bojangles through all of this away to end up in the same place as I was? There’s nothing wrong with making mistakes. Starting over is sometimes the only way to get through a difficult time. But please, spare the sob story.

  1. “stay tuned for that to never go anywhere.” lol. I feel ya moose. ur ditty reminds me of Sundays in the Pittsburgh central library. sob story central. tho I’m sure Camden was at least 5.9 times worse.

  2. Lily says:

    “Then he started talking and I was happy with my choice of sitting next to Murder She Wrote.” hahaha! So good.
    Why were YOU at the library? You’re not in school, right? Libraries are for ultimate weirdos and people who go to school. Is it because you don’t have internet? Am I being creepy now?

    But seriously, that guy sounds like the worst. He probably just sits there all day waiting for someone to acknowledge his existence so he can tell them his sob story.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Yes it’s because my lack of Internet. I’m kind of caught between going some place like Starbucks and the library. I figure, be the big fish in a small pond. I also don’t like coffee and I’m so clumsy I know I’d spill it anyway. Do I sound less creepy now?

  3. robpixaday says:

    Been to Camden.
    Probably won’t go back…


    One thing about families-as-emergency-resources: sometimes they shrink down to a few sh*theads that no one dares talk to.

    Gosh, your library allows talking? The one nearest me acts like words rot books or something. No talking, unless it’s story hour (for kids) or they’re trying to raise money.

    I’m with you about sob stories when they’re just the mindless yapping kind or designed to entice people to give money, etc. EVERYONE can sob about something.

    As I was reading this (what he said), I began to wonder if he wasn’t maybe either (1) not “all there” or (2) doing an experiment or research in social psych. Like, “tell people awful stuff and see how many will offer to help and how.” Etc. If I were a social psych professor I’d make people go out and do that. But I’d ask them to video it. People have fascinating reactions to stuff…LOL…playing those videos would chew up a lot of class time and make my job easier. Anyway…put him in your book. Or screenplay. Make him immortal.


    • Mooselicker says:

      He’s already on this blog. How more everylasting can one get?

      I know there’s some show where they do stuff that gauges people’s reactions. Like have someone being really racist and checking out if anyone steps in to help. It never occurred to me that this could have been an experiment though. He looked like a philosophy student though so it wouldn’t surprise me. Either way, he was social cancer to my ears and I don’t like him.

  4. robpixaday says:

    social cancer

    Haaaaa!!!! wonderful description!!
    (I hope that HTML works)

  5. After having worked in the field of mental illness for so long, I immediately think of that when I come across a Bojangles type. Mental illness takes so many forms. But when someone is relatively young and and “homeless” you can be sure they’re sick.

    This guy sounds like a pathological liar, maybe he’s bi-polar or Borderline Personality disorder, or maybe he has some sort of anti social issue that prevents him from living a normal life. Whatever it is, he’ll be in and out of a locked facility for the rest of his life. They rotate in and out as soon as they stop taking their meds. It’s like clock work.

    Trust me. I’ve seen this a 1000 times. At least it should make you feel slightly better about him. He can’t help his chemical imbalance — annoying as he may be. (And I can see he was PLENTY annoying)

    • Mooselicker says:

      Oh I trust you. You’re the one who knows this stuff. My expert to go to when I don’t have the answers.

      What makes me think you’re right even more is that I don’t get why he would have to share all of this with some stranger who barely responded. Wouldn’t we want to kind of keep our sad moments kind of private? Or at least not that open.

      I have a tough time feeling sympathy for people who are “lower members of society” and seem to be taking advantage of the kindness of others. There was a guy who every time I would take the train back home from NYC would get on and say he was $5 short. Every single night no matter what time train I was on. Then he’d go on saying stuff like “Does no one have a heart?” then he’d get off the train. I was really close to calling him out one time, but that wouldn’t help. Someone like that will never change.

      It still bugged me most that he had a really nice laptop.

      • Yeah, there is so much mental illness around but the average Joe doesn’t know how it presents itself. Physical illness you can see and then cut them some slack, Mental illness is hidden and the person is generally weird, annoying and scary.

        That case that everyone is talking about where the guy was on the “neighborhood watch” and shot and killed that kid down in Florida (Big national story right now)… I can tell you right now, the guy that shot him is mentally ill. I bet he has paranoid delusions. He has done similar sort of stuff in the past. But NOBODY on the news has even considered that possibility. Mark my words, that story will emerge.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Once I got to the words “neighborhood watch” the word paranoid popped into my head and then you brought that up. I don’t know much about the story, but what I have heard your assessment makes perfect sense.

  6. Pete Howorth says:

    “Great, a queer” I thought.

    Too true, nothing worse than a homeless queer.

    Whenever I see homeless people at night during nights out sat by the cash machine hoping someone will obviously decide they have too much money and give the homeless guy a 50, I always think, “You’re just a skid mark on the underpants of society. Just end yourself.”

    I remember being younger and walking around my town centre (not mine personally..) and a homeless person sat under a blanket, only to stand up to reveal a full set of leathers, get on his motorbike and ride off. I still don’t know what that was about but since then I’ve decided that all homeless people are scammers. I never see them walking about and begging in the day, where the hell are they?! At libraries with their fecking laptops trying to get into a black womans house that’s where!

    Anyone that’s homeless deserves to be shot.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I don’t know if I can agree that they should be shot. At least give them a chance to compete in some sort of Roman Gladiator game. I’m done giving money to the homeless. Especially the dishonest ones. Did you really get stranded 500 miles away from home with no way to get back? I don’t buy it.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        There was this one guy, he was around my age, asked me for £1 so he could get the bus home because he didn’t have enough. So I gave him a pound thinking “What would I want to happen in this situation?”

        A week later, the same guy came up to me and asked me for a pound again, same bus story. That was when I told him to come up with a different story next time or remember what faces he’s asked to scam money out of.

        Few days after that, he remembered my face and walked away. Good job too because three times is a gun to the head. I do like your idea of Gladiator games, I would unchain the lions though.

      • Mooselicker says:

        I wrote a similar story to AGL like yours except it was a bus instead of a train. I know enough people who have been mugged by homeless (well one guy and it was twice in the last month, but still) so I’m going to be an ass and blame everyone for these 2 douchebags.

        Agree on the unchaining of the lions. Chaining up a lion is cruel.

  7. And the Oscar for most random introduction to a post goes to…
    I remember my sexy Betty Boop Post with grim nostalgia…
    And do not wear that black and white hat to the library or people will jump to conclusions about what you do…

  8. And why the hell do you always get put up on the WordPress humor wall? I never do. I tag it as humor every spanking time, but I never end up there. You, sir, are a wall hog.
    You think I’m funny, don’t you?
    Is it because I keep teasing WordPress about their suspicious hit system?
    I am still on the very top of the ‘Sitting on the Toilet’ wall. I have been for days, since my historic post about shaving my face while I….
    Never mind.

  9. The Waiting says:

    When I was in college studying at the public library, people would always zero-in on me and attempt to get me to listen to them and give them money (and by “always”, I mean maybe once or twice but it tends to leave a lasting impression when you’re trying to read Beowulf and some person three times your age is telling you about how an unwanted pregnancy in 1982 left them destitute.)

    Your story is very well-told. I am loving your writing!

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thank you! One bad moment really will leave you thinking that happened every time wouldn’t you? I bet that some person uses the 1982 pregnancy story. Their kid is 30 now and has a family. Meanwhile his mom pretends like he’s a burden. Help yourself and I’ll help you. Maybe…

  10. Tim, speaking of sob stories, I will be REALLY upset if you don’t write about Alicia Silverstone chewing her baby’s food and spitting it in his mouth. He supposedly likes it. Go for it, if anyone can spin this in a new way, it’s you! 🙂

  11. He was quite the chatterbox for being in a library! That would have driven me nuts not being able to tune him out. But I do love eavesdropping so I probably would’ve been taking mental notes too. I agree that he must’ve been quite a douche to not be able to go to his fam for a bit of help. It makes me think of Bubbles in the Wire. His sister didn’t even want to help him out when he really was trying to get clean.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Could they have been boys who cried wolf one too many times? I felt bad for Bubbles. He always wanted to earn his make. He had his little shopping cart with the t-shirts he’d sell. He had more than a dumb story to tell.

  12. I have to admit. That Sticky fella is quite a looker. I always had it for the scrub looking guys. As for Bojangles, I was actually sympathizing with him and getting mad at you for being so hard on him until you got to the laptop part. Mainly because my laptop is dying and I gave change to a homeless guy who probably has a better laptop than I do.

    • Mooselicker says:

      That’s my feelings too. I could have possibly believed it but that damn nice laptop. I should have leaned in to see how many Facebook friends he had.

      Ryan Reynolds ain’t no scrub. Well, I guess in a way. Like if he was a bit uglier I could see him having one of those weird faces.

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