Water is one of the three things we as humans cannot survive without. The other two are air and college football. I mean really, how can anyone live without rooting for the Longhorns? Their orange hats with the dead cow skull on it, that image gives me life. Of course water isn’t the only option when it comes to quenching your thirst. Today we will discuss those other mouth-watering beverages that help keep us alive or kill us after we drown in it.
Milk is the only thing I seem to drink other than water now. It’s a good source of protein, has lots of vitamins, it’s white, and it comes out of tits. What more could you want from a beverage? There are different kinds too. There’s fat-free for you fat people trying to lose weight, there’s 1% for you fat people who accidentally buy it after thinking it’s fat free, there’s 2% for people who like whole milk but are too self-aware of their fatness that they’re trying to scale it back a bit, and there’s whole milk for those who just don’t care about the way they look. I drink fat free and 2%. I should probably drink only 1% because that would average out. But I don’t want the cute girl at CVS who always chews gum and never makes eye contact to think I made a mistake. I already blew it by wearing the same shirt in there two days in a row.
(It is a nice shirt though)
Milkshakes are a more advanced version of milk. Usually these are high in fat and have little pieces of candy in them. If your mouth isn’t watering right now then you’re not reading this. Milkshakes are so delicious. The only person that ever existed who didn’t enjoy a milkshake was Judas. He said that he was trying to lose weight and kindly ask that Jesus not have any milkshakes at his last supper because the temptation would be too much. Jesus obeyed and Judas still betrayed him. What an ass! I haven’t had a milkshake in a long time. I think at some point I would see the teenager pouring the ice cream into one of those tin cups and think “Wow has my life really come to hiding in my apartment drinking milkshakes and not letting anyone know about it?” That’s exactly how I would treat a milkshake. It’s like child pornography for me except more caloric. Nobody ever got fat looking at child porn. You get a lot of exercise looking over your shoulder making sure your wife doesn’t walk in. Don’t forget, it brings all the boys to the yard. Who doesn’t like boys in the yard?
(Four prisoners excited for the milkshake man to arrive to the yard)
Soda is a delicious beverage that goes well with meals. It has lots of flavors. I started to list them then realized I haven’t drank enough soda in the last year to remember any. I think there’s a blueberry variety. If not there should be. Soda comes in two basic varieties, regular and diet. I’m told that diet soda causes cancer. I’m also told that regular soda causes diabetes. So I guess soda is bad and kills people no matter what kind you get. It’s legal and is given to children. I think people are over exaggerating the dangers of soda. I used to drink it all the time and I turned out fine. Do you know who never drank soda? Judas. Him and his damn juice diet.
(Judas Lalane with his juicer and a woman who can only possibly be a hostage)
Juice, you know the drink choice of traitors, is another option to drink. At any local covered bazaar you will find a huge variety of juices. I like juice commercials more than anything. It’s such an innocent drink yet all they do is shit on other juices. Juices really are the Republican candidates of beverages. All they do is sling mud. They say how “those other juices” aren’t 100% juice. Then they hold up two glasses or pour it on a napkin which proves nothing. Maybe my commercials are crossing over. Of course everyone’s favorite kind of juice are Capri Suns. We love hard to open juice packets with pointy straws. Whenever a bully comes and tries to take our juice we can easily kill him.
(The straw from my most recent Capri Sun juice sack)
Alcohol has at times been called the adult beverage. That term always makes me laugh. You have to be a certain age to rehydrate with this particular beverage? That’s insane! I think most of us could list more alcoholic drinks than we could juices. Sometimes alcoholic drinks are mixed in with juices. Then an uncle drinks it and touches someone or get in a fight when the police show up. I wouldn’t recommend drinking alcohol if you want to rid the world of your dry mouth. Alcohol is more something you drink to forget that your kid needs to be picked up at soccer practice. At least that’s how I understand it. This is the one beverage you cannot drink while driving. Well I guess you can’t drink baby blood either but who would drink baby blood? We all know it has very low nutrients and stains glasses.
(This mattress didn’t pass the baby blood test)
Sports drinks are basically juices but sold more expensively because Peyton Manning needs to be paid more millions. I never liked sports drinks. They always reminded me of the kids who made fun of me in school because that’s what they drank and were baptized in. Things like Gatorade and Powerade are top brand names. They have these fake things in them called electrolytes. They’re supposed to make you a better athlete. I don’t believe it. One time my friend Ramon drank a thing of Gatorade and went into a diabetic seizure. He struck out and ended our championship run. Point is, Hispanics have always been ruining my life.
(Emilio laughs with glee as he updates his Netflix queue while stealing my identity)
Smoothies are delicious. They’re a milkshake only slightly healthier. I guess it’s the difference between dying from being eaten by a lion and being eaten by zombies. Either way you’ve been eaten. I think I’d rather get eaten by a lion than zombies. Zombies means multiple. That means there’s a lot of pulling in each direction. I’d get yanked apart while they chewed on me. If a lion ate me I’d probably die right away. I wouldn’t even see my foot get pulled off by my zombie neighbors. I’d also feel really silly for getting caught by zombies. I’m a good climber which means I should survive zombie attacks much better than most. Lions are different. I can’t outrun a lion. There’s less to be embarrassed about. That’s why I like smoothies.