Wars

Posted: March 31, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. That’s my feeling on 3D televisions. Most films aren’t shot in 3D. The ones that are usually are children’s or star blue animated people. Outside of the classic Home Improvement episode where they filmed in 3D, I don’t remember there ever being a big deal about seeing something on a TV pop out like it’s really there. What would they do? Have Neil Patrick Harris’s tie sway and almost hit you? Would Kim Kardashian’s ass come inches away from your face? I certainly don’t need the zombies on The Walking Dead reaching for my ears. If you buy a 3D television then you are basically saying let Joseph Kony kill children. That’s money you could spend in making a sequel to help take him down. Maybe this time it won’t be shot by a guy who masturbates in public. And we all know what masturbating in public leads to, war.

(Whoa! Whoa!)

The first war that ever happened was probably between a married couple. Back then when there were 8 people alive that was pretty big. People started having sex more and that made more people exist. Wars got larger. Weapons got bigger. Arguments were more petty. Two opposing sides would argue over who the forest that neither of them ever went into belonged to. It was a pretty violent time in those ages. Police didn’t get paid overtime and the pens had yet to be invented for laws to exist. Dark times indeed.

The first major wars that I know anything about are the old Greek ones. You know, Helen of Troy and other exaggerated stuff. The Greeks were big on overstating how epic something was. They said Helen of Troy was so beautiful that a war started over her. Thousands of men died because they wanted for another man to have sex with Helen. Have you ever met a hot Helen? That’s not even a Greek name. That’s something the chick with the fat lips who works in a library would have. The kind of girl you’re not quite sure if she’s retarded or not because she always wears overalls. Their big war was depicted in the movie 300. That’s a war that actually did exist unlike many of the other things the Greeks talked about. Do they really want us to think that they weren’t all homos? The men wore silk dresses with a bow in their hair. They were preschool girls with Democracy. Or am I thinking about Romans? Either way, I’m making up facts as I go along.

(A Modern Day Greek Warrior)

Jesus was born in the year 0. He was killed when he was 33 years old by the bastards of the time, The Romans. 33 years old is pretty young. Adam Brody is almost that age. I would hate if the nerd from The OC outlived Jesus. It’s not fair! Have I ever mentioned how annoyed I am by Italians? Look no further than the Romans. They were the Greeks with prettier women. I don’t believe the Romans made as many great contributions to society as others may. They invented straight roads? Who would invent a crooked road? That seems like more work. They pretty much killed whoever they could in Europe but eventually the walls came tumbling down basically overnight. They blamed Uranus, the made-up God of the asshole.

My history between Jesus dying and Christopher Columbus is very hazy. I’m American. Be happy that I acknowledge the existence of Palestine. There were lots of wars during that time period. Guys like Genghis Kahn led the charge. One in every six people living right now are related to Genghis Kahn. I’m not. No white people are. So that pretty much makes 98% of all Asians related to him if you want to really get down to the numbers. That’s kind of sick. That would mean every time you see two Asians holding hands you’re seeing incest. Stupid Genghis Kahn. Couldn’t keep his dick behind his weird bearskin flap that he probably wore.

The Crusades was the other big war during this time period. I think there were about 80 of them. At some point you have to call it quits. You’d think if you were going somewhere in the name of God yet kept failing that God might be sending you a message to let the people living there at the time be. But the English knights needed things like the Holy Grail which Jesus drank out of. What would they do with the Holy Grail once they had it? Would all of the knights in the round table get to take it around for the day like the Stanley Cup? If I found the Holy Grail I would make Harrison Ford fight the Monty Python guys for it. I doubt either side would care. Maybe Harrison Ford would. He hasn’t done much since Air Force One. I blame Liam Neeson.

(Just because your wife died doesn’t mean you should steal jobs away from Harrison Ford. Take your Scottish accent back to wherever you come from)

When the United States of America was discovered it meant more wars started to happen. England of course was always fighting with France. Those two are so silly. It’s like Chinese people fighting with Japanese people who they always did. I think it’s because back then you had to kill someone and you could only kill those closest to you. Pakistanis would have loved to have killed people in Ecuador. Too far though. And what could they fight about? Who makes a Subway sandwich faster?

Wars took place all of the time in the United States. We wiped out all of the Indians, almost. A few fled to casinos, the rich snobs. America’s first big war took place for their freedom from England. That was called the Revolutionary War. One teacher told me that we weren’t really free until we won the War of 1812 which took place sometime in the 1800s. That’s when our national anthem The Star Spangled Banner was written. A man named Sir Francis Scott Key wrote it. I know, what a faggy name. Our national anthem is pretty gay. It’s impossible to dance to though which is my biggest problem with it. I like to be able to dance during a moment of silence, you know? So things aren’t so somber.

Then came shit wars like Mexican-American War where men in raccoon hats were heroes. Yuck. The Civil War was pretty cool and even had a song by Guns N Roses about it. I won’t go much into the war. Listen to the song instead. Overseas the Russians were fighting the Japanese in the Russo-Japanese War. I had a baseball coach with the last name Russo. He was a dick. That’s why I would have rooted for Japan.

(Coach Russo informing his son Matt that he is already growing up to have an apple-shaped figure)

The century turned and we had two World Wars. Both of them were called the wars to end all wars. Really they were the wars that led to more wars. Korean War, Vietnam War, wars in the Middle East over riverbanks, and countless others were spawned because of previous wars. Even our current wars you could trace back to WWII. I was going to do it but I think I might be wrong. I’m still going to live by that statement though.

I don’t think war is ever a good answer to a problem. It never solves anything and leaves too many people dead. What good are dead people? Yeah we can experiment on them and finally say how shitty they were without feeling bad, but war still isn’t the answer. Let’s drop rhymes, not war crimes.

Comments
  1. Promise me you will never talk about history again.
    There is so much that I want to say that I am just going to give up and take a nap.

  2. Once again, you’ve shown a tremendous understanding of History. You really seem to have a handle on it. I’m sure your high school and college teachers would be pleased.
    Okay, this was totally funny! haha!

    • Mooselicker says:

      They would be wouldn’t they? Maybe next time they won’t show us Norm McDonald movies for a week. Yes, Dirty Work was great but it had little to do with Ancient History.

  3. Jeremy Kerns says:

    I think you ought to know that I’m a very busy man with lots of important things to do. Instead, I’ve been wasting my time “lol”-ing at your ridiculously humorous blog. You will be hearing from my lawyer.

  4. Pretty sure Helen actually is a greek name. In all seriousness though, wars are terrible. My family has been through two already. The first was the Gulf War of 1990 where Iraq invaded Kuwait because they were jealous. My brother was born during that war. He was brought home wrapped in paper napkins. I’m not making this up.

    And then the America-Iraq war where Bush went in search of non-existent weapons of mass destruction. I was so happy we got a week off from school…..until one of the missiles “accidently” ripped straight through a mall in Kuwait.

    I dont know where I’m going with this sob story but yeh. Wars are not cool.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Those are the things that they never let you hear about. There’s maybe once a war where you hear about a few innocent people getting hit. Aren’t the US’s missiles called “smart bombs” or something like that? I know Kuwait is near Iraq but that’s still a pretty big miss to go from hitting somewhere with WMDs and a mall. With those two wars it’s not like anything was ever solved either. Maybe we can eventually stop making up problems to solve and work on our own.

      • I don`t think it was a US missile. I`m pretty sure it was an Iraqi missile since it was targeted at the US base in Kuwait. And their missiles aren`t so smart. The first war was because Iraq wanted to occupy Kuwait and because of US intervention, things have been relatively calmer in Kuwait. The second war was just useless and unecessary.

  5. Lily says:

    As a historian, I should poo poo everything you just wrote. But as a 24 year old who cares about almost nothing, I say good post! Seems like you really have a strong grasp on all things war related. I definitely have to agree with you about the name Helen. I remember when I took Latin in school, we had to pick our Latin names. I picked Zoe only because it seemed like the least Latin name of all.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I couldn’t even imagine Latin names existing. That’s like not a real thing. It’s Italian but it’s also Spanish islands in the Atlantic. I hate dead languages.

  6. renxkyoko says:

    Well, your history is good enough, I guess. My jaw dropped when I was reading your history, though, then , I thought, Oh, it’s Mooselicker’s ! ! ! ha ha ha ! Btw, you forgot the Spanish-American war.

  7. Pete Howorth says:

    I know less history than you so I can only say that you’re 100% right. War is good for one thing though,

    Standing there with your fist clench and quivering while shaking it wildly shouting “THIS MEANS WAR!!!!!”

    • Mooselicker says:

      You’re right about me being right and even more right about how the start of a war is great. You can chant your country’s name and buy a lot of flags. Then the fighting is the annoying part. I think that’s why video games exist. It’s fighting war without having to die.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        Maybe this is how all wars should be decided from now on, instead of flying planes into a building because the west are hated, why not pwn someone by fr4gging them?

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