The End. There are no two sadder words in the English language to me. Bubble Bath are probably the most fun words. It’s alliteration, contains few vowels (the sad letters), and bubble bathes remind me of being 22 again. I tried taking a bubble bath a little over a year ago. I sat in the tub and thought “Now what do I do?” and tried to type on my computer which was placed on the toilet. They’re still fun though. Not like endings. Even the end of this paragraph is making me a little watery eyed.
My thing with endings is that they feel so permanent. I guess they are. There’s nothing more exact and everlasting. A beginning is so short. It’s quick. You mothers can relate. Remember childbirth? Wasn’t it so quick and wonderfully painless? And when it ended it was so sad. No longer could you make excuses for eating an entire box of ice cream. So you try to chase that high again of being able to eat whatever you want. You’re a pregnant junkie. In short, if you’re not the oldest child in your family then you’re no different from a line of cocaine.
(I’m a middle child and the one on the left in this picture)
The end of TV shows is what gets me most. I think to myself “Well what happens to them next?” I can’t watch a finale if I don’t go to bed immediately after. Otherwise I sit around wanting to hurt a network executive for not letting the show go on forever. I know John Ritter died and the show lost its charm, but James Garner and David Spade were comedic gold! I actually never watched that show. But I did watch Clifford the Big Red Dog where John Ritter voiced Clifford. It was so sad when they had to write Clifford off. Emily Elizabeth wouldn’t come out of her room for weeks. They had to give Clifford the Viking Funeral and send him out to sea and let him burn he was so big. I always thought they could have just gotten a new voice actor but they were committed to John Ritter. I guess once you get the dad from Problem Child you know you’ll never be able to top it.
(Stop looking at me like “oh no this kid is trouble” and help that cat!)
At times even a good meal can be upsetting. I’m having a good time then the waitress (I always ask for a waitress, I’m not pinching a guy’s ass) comes by and brings us the dessert and the check. Suddenly I lose my appetite. The good times are ending. I sob into my ice cream. My fictitious friends who do not exist who have joined me think I’m weird. Not as weird as the real people at the restaurant wondering why one lone person is in the party room and why he ordered for every seat. To this day I still can’t eat pie because it reminds me of the end of a meal. I’ll usually eat my meals in reverse if I feel like it though. I’ll finish with soup because to me soup already tastes like tears.
Endings that have a new beginning are easy for me to get through. New Year’s is never depressing for me. I never think about how I wasted an entire year and how it’s already 2012 and I have nothing to show for it. The thing about New Years Eve is that the old year ends and you get a new one. We should do that with everything. Every TV show should get a spin-off. And when the spin-off ends we give that a spin-off. I can get through that. And all restaurants should be all you can eat forever. Like you can leave and come back. That way the meal is technically never over. It would hurt business but it would save sadness. I think most Chinese businessmen wouldn’t mind. They always seem well-tempered and forgiving.
(He laughs because he knows what duck sauce is really made of)
Now has come the ending of this post. You might be sad, that’s okay. I am too. But this isn’t a permanent ending. This is just an ending for today. Tomorrow there will be something new. You have that to look forward to. So dry your tears and wait another day. And that my friend is all I have to say.
*I should mention that ending with a rhyme scheme like I just did always helps. It leaves things on a cliffhanger and when things end on a rhyme people look up and nod while taking it all in.