Posted: April 3, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

The End. There are no two sadder words in the English language to me. Bubble Bath are probably the most fun words. It’s alliteration, contains few vowels (the sad letters), and bubble bathes remind me of being 22 again. I tried taking a bubble bath a little over a year ago. I sat in the tub and thought “Now what do I do?” and tried to type on my computer which was placed on the toilet. They’re still fun though. Not like endings. Even the end of this paragraph is making me a little watery eyed.

My thing with endings is that they feel so permanent. I guess they are. There’s nothing more exact and everlasting. A beginning is so short. It’s quick. You mothers can relate. Remember childbirth? Wasn’t it so quick and wonderfully painless? And when it ended it was so sad. No longer could you make excuses for eating an entire box of ice cream. So you try to chase that high again of being able to eat whatever you want. You’re a pregnant junkie. In short, if you’re not the oldest child in your family then you’re no different from a line of cocaine.

(I’m a middle child and the one on the left in this picture)

The end of TV shows is what gets me most. I think to myself “Well what happens to them next?” I can’t watch a finale if I don’t go to bed immediately after. Otherwise I sit around wanting to hurt a network executive for not letting the show go on forever. I know John Ritter died and the show lost its charm, but James Garner and David Spade were comedic gold! I actually never watched that show. But I did watch Clifford the Big Red Dog where John Ritter voiced Clifford. It was so sad when they had to write Clifford off. Emily Elizabeth wouldn’t come out of her room for weeks. They had to give Clifford the Viking Funeral and send him out to sea and let him burn he was so big. I always thought they could have just gotten a new voice actor but they were committed to John Ritter. I guess once you get the dad from Problem Child you know you’ll never be able to top it.

(Stop looking at me like “oh no this kid is trouble” and help that cat!)

At times even a good meal can be upsetting. I’m having a good time then the waitress (I always ask for a waitress, I’m not pinching a guy’s ass) comes by and brings us the dessert and the check. Suddenly I lose my appetite. The good times are ending. I sob into my ice cream. My fictitious friends who do not exist who have joined me think I’m weird. Not as weird as the real people at the restaurant wondering why one lone person is in the party room and why he ordered for every seat. To this day I still can’t eat pie because it reminds me of the end of a meal. I’ll usually eat my meals in reverse if I feel like it though. I’ll finish with soup because to me soup already tastes like tears.

Endings that have a new beginning are easy for me to get through. New Year’s is never depressing for me. I never think about how I wasted an entire year and how it’s already 2012 and I have nothing to show for it. The thing about New Years Eve is that the old year ends and you get a new one. We should do that with everything. Every TV show should get a spin-off. And when the spin-off ends we give that a spin-off. I can get through that. And all restaurants should be all you can eat forever. Like you can leave and come back. That way the meal is technically never over. It would hurt business but it would save sadness. I think most Chinese businessmen wouldn’t mind. They always seem well-tempered and forgiving.

(He laughs because he knows what duck sauce is really made of)

Now has come the ending of this post. You might be sad, that’s okay. I am too. But this isn’t a permanent ending. This is just an ending for today. Tomorrow there will be something new. You have that to look forward to. So dry your tears and wait another day. And that my friend is all I have to say.

*I should mention that ending with a rhyme scheme like I just did always helps. It leaves things on a cliffhanger and when things end on a rhyme people look up and nod while taking it all in.

  1. I will never get the image of you sobbing into your ice cream out of my head.
    (But if I do, make me a movie)…
    You are the strange love-child of emotional vulnerability and sociopathic sarcasm.
    You are a Push-Me-Pull-You from Dr. Doolittle… You can’t keep going in two directions, damn it. She canna take it anymoore, Cap’n, she’s breakin’ up…

  2. wackynat says:

    Endings can be good too I believe, especially when it comes to tv shows. I for one cannot wait for HOUSE to get off the air, and I have nightmares of a GLEE spinoff. Some things in life are so bad (and of course this is not just in relation to tv shows) that you simply want them to go away.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Oh yeah. Some endings are beautiful. How many diseases are there for House to solve? I’ve lived around Princeton/Plainsboro where the show takes place. We’re not always thinking we have cancer and it turns out to be a tooth pick up our asses.

      A Glee spinoff? Unless it takes place in Nam I’m sick.

  3. haha! Soup tastes like tears. I was bracing myself for a real goodbye, thinking to myself, what the heck is he doing? So I’m relieved that you’ll be back tomorrow.
    That Chinaman has nice teeth, don’t you think?

    • Mooselicker says:

      I never say goodbye. I always say “see ya later” or at least that’s always what I think when I hear someone say goodbye. You’re not getting rid of me this easily.

      He’s got beautiful teeth. The kind made for radio.

  4. This was an eye-opener. It explained perfectly why there’s always a lonesome tear at the end of your posts and my favorite soap opera- The Bold and the Beautiful. Of course, soap operas are never-ending unlike your posts.
    The End.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Most of my inspiration comes from the Bold and the Beautiful so it makes sense. Is that the one with the doctor with the eye patch? Or am I thinking of the generic emergency room one?

      • I don’t think any of the generic emergency room ones have any doctors with eye-patches, which is sad because eye-patches are both bold AND beautiful. I’m currently reading a book right now called “Pirates on an adventure with Communists”. TONS of bold and beautiful eye-patches there. I’m definitley not looking forward to seeing the words “The End” on that last page.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Do books have the word The End at the end anymore? Seems like forever since I finished one. Usually when the dragon pops up I get too scared and put it away until the thunderstorm ends.

        This sounds like one of those Abraham Lincoln kills vampires books. How is that book/movie not treason?

      • Yeh, they usually don’t have The End at the back anymore. But I see it everytime I get to the end of a book like the credits of a movie.

        The pirates/communists book is about the Pirate Captain who gets arrested while he’s shopping for a new coat at the mall because he is mistaken for Karl Marx. He later finds Karl Marx enjoying a bubble bath in his tub using all his favorite shampoos. They become reluctant friends after that. Its too humorous to be classified as treason. Then again not too many people have a sense of humour these days.

  5. That was sad! Today is my birthday you know; what kind of person makes someone sad on their birthday? But the rhyme at the end did make me feel a little better, so I forgive you.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Happy Birthday to you! Sorry to make you sad on your big day. But would you want it any other way? Thank you for the forgiveness I have been granted. Being at peace with you is all I ever wanted. (you have to say wanted kind of weird here for it to rhyme correctly)

  6. You hit the nail on the head with childbirth.

  7. Lily says:

    lol soup does taste like tears! So salty. Aww little Timmy. Saying goodbyes and ending things is possibly the worst. Whenever you leave a restaurant, remember, it’s not goodbye, it’s see you soon. I like the picture that you painted of you in your bathtub, trying to type on the computer positioned on the toilet. High class.
    I love John Ritter, but wasn’t everything he did after Three’s Company bad? Maybe that’s a good reason not to have spin offs? Because then they’ll be worse than the original and taint (wow I’m using this word for a second time?) the way we remember the actors.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Next time you want to say taint use the word tarnish. That makes me think of garnish which reminds me to eat more vegetables.

      I think we’re both bad at goodbyes. I tend to just slink away without saying a word and leave people wondering where I went. I’m like Batman except instead of going to fight crime I’m usually in the john.

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