I like to look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I take my shirt off and flex, snap a photo, and put it on Facebook for some girl with big purple lips to say how “sexxi” I am. If you spell sexy like that, you’re probably not. I’m joshing you of course. Never do I snap a photo of myself flexing in front of the mirror. Sure, sometimes I like to show off Princess and Her Majesty (my arms) to a willing crowd (myself). It doesn’t make me a bad person. A bad person would take pictures. That’s what separates us from the true d-bags in the world.
I’m not here to talk about people who show off their bodies. I would simply say that I’m jealous of them and that they’re insecure of their weak personalities and that’s why things are exactly the way they are. I would like to talk about those things they have at the stores known as self-checkout. They make teenagers obsolete. No longer will I be embarrassed to buy hemorrhoid cream and pudding in one trip. I won’t have some ghetto girl in plastic gloves copping an attitude with me because I smell funny. I love self-checkouts. What I don’t like are the other people who love them.
Never can I go to one of these awesome inventions and have things run smoothly. Like I mentioned, it’s the people who ruin it. I know, how’s that different from anything else? People ruin everything. Here’s a quick rundown of the people I seem to always encounter at the self-checkout.
Foreigners – Could it be that they choose to get their groceries through self-checkout because they’re so amazed by American technology? Probably not. I have a feeling it’s because they’re so stuck-up they’d rather not interact or have to speak English. This is America! We speak American here. Foreigners are wonderful until it involves money or kindness. I don’t blame them either. I’d be a dick if I was in Uruguay too. I’d be confused and not tip the waitresses then argue with them about prices. Here’s a tip, if you’re in a foreign country, don’t trust a foreign computer. At least a person can feel bad or add “o” to the end of every word and at least passably speak your language.
(As much as I love her, I would hate to be behind Malin Akerman when purchasing a tub of Greek Yogurt)
Moms – I only know these women are moms because of the vagina demons circling around her pulling candy bars off the shelf and having me fart in their faces. Seriously, I’ve never farted in a child’s face on purpose. One time I did when I didn’t see her behind me. She didn’t say anything. I think she was a mute. She also had both fingers up her nose so it was almost impossible to smell a thing. There are few places that I like to see children at. One of the last is in line in front of me. Do kids really ever die in cars from the heat? I remember being left in the car all the time when I was younger. I’d ask to be. I didn’t want to be a problem. I can’t really blame the mommies for being such a nuisance. They had to have sex with their husbands on his birthday 4 years ago which spawned this problem. Keep your kids at home. I need to buy my granola bars as fast as possible.
(So much goodness and only 90 calories! Get your dumb kids out of my way so I can eat the whole pack and justify it by saying it’s only 540 calories)
Old People – They’re not much different from children. I still like old people more than most other majority groups. One time at a grocery store recently I joked with an old woman about lines. I said “Wow this line is taking forever” and she said “That’s what you get one you hire a dark boy to do the job.” To be fair she was from a different generation. And he was pretty damn dark. The kind of dark where he’s never gotten fudge on his hands and thought “Well how do I solve this problem?” like I have so many times before. The downfall of all old people is their slowness. They have to get right up to the touch screens to advance forward. I have some sympathy for them because what they’re buying might be the last thing they ever buy. If they’re murdered by a family member who thinks of them as a burden, that receipt might be used as evidence.
(If Charles Degaulle was still alive he would be really old)
Couples – I hate seeing happy couples doing anything. That’s the only reason I’m ever nice to my girlfriend in public. I want to make other people feel my anguish. Better than the happy couples are the arguing ones. I argue with my girlfriend all the time at the self-checkout. She always lifts up the bag early. Then the robot chick voice says not to. She used to work at a grocery store and she should really know the rules. I need to hit her more. Jog her memory that there’s a system in place. I guess couples are usually pretty efficient when it comes to scanning their own groceries. They’re only ever annoying when they’re better looking than me and I have to go home to eat packaged sushi alone.
(This picture infuriates me. I really hope it was taken on Omaha Beach right before the allies landed)
Groups – All groups of people are horrific. I don’t care what color, religion, or dick size they are. You put people together and they have reasons to lie and impress. The worst group of all are people under a certain age. I can’t really put an exact number on it, but if you’re someone who divvies up a small bill or you all get in line and have to buy your packs of gum separately then you’re a problem. If I was ever a waiter and some group of community college kids tried handing me 8 different credit cards and some cash I would pull an antique movie poster off the wall and snap it over their faces. I know “money is tight” and “everyone has to pitch in” but you knew you were going to end up at Applebee’s. You always end up at Applebee’s. Can’t you get a better system going? Like finding a new group of friends that you actually have something in common with besides living on the same street as.
(Please be pledging a suicide pact)
Indecisive People – If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s murdering children. After that it’s people who can’t decide if they will murder children or not. Make a decision! Sometimes I’ll be standing in line at the self-checkout and a woman with a weird hat on will be unsure if one of the registers is open. Check stupid. I’m not going to cut in front of you. I’m enjoying the view of your ass. You can go look and see that it’s not working then come back and in a joking way say “Thought it was open!” then I can laugh because it would be awkward not to laugh. Sometimes I’ll reply with “I’ve done that before” hoping that you invite me back to share a nap with you. But that never happens. You should be mean to everyone you meet. What the hell do they do for you anyway?
(So many choices! I think I’ll get one of those famous $3 Pizza Hut candy bars that everyone always raves about)