I remember 8 years ago we were supposed to get a gigantic attack of cicadas. My science teacher told me so. There are few things from that class I remember. I remember being so fat that my fly couldn’t zip up. Another kid in the class would always warn me whenever he caught my barn door open. I think he thought I was cute. One time a girl in the class entered and said “Why’s it smell like a jizz swamp in here?” which made me fall instantly in and out of love with her for completely different reasons. My 5’1 Jewish teacher also told the class that his mother had back creams that he had to apply to her. Actually I’m lying. He never said back creams. I’m hoping they were only back creams but use your imagination, I’m sure it was much worse.
(Shouldn’t we use this ahead of time in “preparation” for tragedy? I’m just saying, whenever we use it things have already gotten too out of hand)
If you don’t know what a cicada is you’re human. I’m not quite sure either. They’re kind of like locusts only less Biblical. Apparently they come around every so often and climb on baby’s faces. Or they don’t. I’ve never heard of a cicada attack. You can hear them all summer long. They’re the things making those loud obnoxious summer noises. Some people like those noises. Some people also don’t think 9/11 happened. If 9/11 didn’t happen then where did I eat that soft pretzel in 1995? Trippy.
I only ever managed to see one cicada up close. I was picking up dog shit (too many of my stories involve that, I need a hobby) and there was a giant cicada chilling next to it. My dog at the time was following me around for some reason while I picked up after her. The cicada opened its wings and did an impression of the dinosaur from Jurassic Park who sprayed the tar on Newman from Seinfeld. I turned around and run away with my dog. I don’t know what happened to the cicada. I’m assuming it died. Probably in some rice field. I would hate to find out that cicadas outlive humans. They don’t do anything. They’re always so hyped and when they do come around they’re just loud and obnoxious. They’re the Axl Rose of bugs.
(Somehow I could imagine him hanging out on a pile of dog shit)
Other summer sounds “bug” me too. Get it, because a lot of this is about bugs–I don’t like crickets, grasshoppers, or any other little green things. Even peas annoy me. Four leaf clovers, sure, they’re the only green things that I enjoy. I will admit it’s kind of fun to see a cricket make its sounds. They rub their knees like a violin to do it. Or maybe that was from something Disney. I can’t remember. All I know is that the sounds bugs make are never soothing. They don’t help me get to sleep. Do you know what helps me get to sleep? The sound of a can of Black Flag emptying itself out on nature.
I’m sure you’re normal and enjoy summer. I don’t. Everything always feels sticky. I can’t lift my arm to signal that I would like another hamburger without having my arm pit skin rip itself away. Mugginess always makes me feel uncomfortable. And if you’re outside with a group of people you’re guaranteed for at least one of them to smell badly. I’m such a “snow bunny” (I can’t possibly think of a better term for myself at the moment) that you would think I’d do whatever I can do to stop global warming. But I’m only one man with little influence. It’s just easier to let the earth do what it wants.
My least favorite summer sound is laughter. I guess that’s my least favorite sound of all seasons. I hate people having a good time. Really, unless it’s ganging up on someone I can’t get behind laughter. I know I’m going to hear my neighbors do a lot of laughing this summer. I’m convinced it’s the hot air that gets to me easily during those middle months. I get why most serial murders take place then. Everyone goes out more and because more people are out more people get annoyed at the stupid actions of other people. I was at a Target recently and a woman was going to go down my aisle but she saw me “in the way” so she clicked her mouth in a pissed off way and cut through another aisle. I wanted to kill her and she wanted to kill me. It’s almost a crime if I don’t kill her now though. It’s kill or be killed. That’s a summer sound I can get behind. Her wails of pain.
Do you have any favorite seasonal sounds? I like the sound of snow plows. It lets me know that there’s no reason to go outside and that I’m not missing a thing.