Cicadas & Other Summer Sounds

Posted: April 8, 2012 in Uncategorized
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I remember 8 years ago we were supposed to get a gigantic attack of cicadas. My science teacher told me so. There are few things from that class I remember. I remember being so fat that my fly couldn’t zip up. Another kid in the class would always warn me whenever he caught my barn door open. I think he thought I was cute. One time a girl in the class entered and said “Why’s it smell like a jizz swamp in here?” which made me fall instantly in and out of love with her for completely different reasons. My 5’1 Jewish teacher also told the class that his mother had back creams that he had to apply to her. Actually I’m lying. He never said back creams. I’m hoping they were only back creams but use your imagination, I’m sure it was much worse.

(Shouldn’t we use this ahead of time in “preparation” for tragedy? I’m just saying, whenever we use it things have already gotten too out of hand)

If you don’t know what a cicada is you’re human. I’m not quite sure either. They’re kind of like locusts only less Biblical. Apparently they come around every so often and climb on baby’s faces. Or they don’t. I’ve never heard of a cicada attack. You can hear them all summer long. They’re the things making those loud obnoxious summer noises. Some people like those noises. Some people also don’t think 9/11 happened. If 9/11 didn’t happen then where did I eat that soft pretzel in 1995? Trippy.

I only ever managed to see one cicada up close. I was picking up dog shit (too many of my stories involve that, I need a hobby) and there was a giant cicada chilling next to it. My dog at the time was following me around for some reason while I picked up after her. The cicada opened its wings and did an impression of the dinosaur from Jurassic Park who sprayed the tar on Newman from Seinfeld. I turned around and run away with my dog. I don’t know what happened to the cicada. I’m assuming it died. Probably in some rice field. I would hate to find out that cicadas outlive humans. They don’t do anything. They’re always so hyped and when they do come around they’re just loud and obnoxious. They’re the Axl Rose of bugs.

(Somehow I could imagine him hanging out on a pile of dog shit)

Other summer sounds “bug” me too. Get it, because a lot of this is about bugs–I don’t like crickets, grasshoppers, or any other little green things. Even peas annoy me. Four leaf clovers, sure, they’re the only green things that I enjoy. I will admit it’s kind of fun to see a cricket make its sounds. They rub their knees like a violin to do it. Or maybe that was from something Disney. I can’t remember. All I know is that the sounds bugs make are never soothing. They don’t help me get to sleep. Do you know what helps me get to sleep? The sound of a can of Black Flag emptying itself out on nature.

I’m sure you’re normal and enjoy summer. I don’t. Everything always feels sticky. I can’t lift my arm to signal that I would like another hamburger without having my arm pit skin rip itself away. Mugginess always makes me feel uncomfortable. And if you’re outside with a group of people you’re guaranteed for at least one of them to smell badly. I’m such a “snow bunny” (I can’t possibly think of a better term for myself at the moment) that you would think I’d do whatever I can do to stop global warming. But I’m only one man with little influence. It’s just easier to let the earth do what it wants.

 

My least favorite summer sound is laughter. I guess that’s my least favorite sound of all seasons. I hate people having a good time. Really, unless it’s ganging up on someone I can’t get behind laughter. I know I’m going to hear my neighbors do a lot of laughing this summer. I’m convinced it’s the hot air that gets to me easily during those middle months. I get why most serial murders take place then. Everyone goes out more and because more people are out more people get annoyed at the stupid actions of other people. I was at a Target recently and a woman was going to go down my aisle but she saw me “in the way” so she clicked her mouth in a pissed off way and cut through another aisle. I wanted to kill her and she wanted to kill me. It’s almost a crime if I don’t kill her now though. It’s kill or be killed. That’s a summer sound I can get behind. Her wails of pain.

Do you have any favorite seasonal sounds? I like the sound of snow plows. It lets me know that there’s no reason to go outside and that I’m not missing a thing.

Comments
  1. I like that your least favorite summer sound is laughter, luckily you can’t hear me laughing right now.
    One of my favorite sounds of summer is a busy pool sound or beach sound. I love to fall asleep, face down on my towel, able to hear all the activity around me. I know, it’s weird. I would never sleep in public anywhere else – but for some reason those sounds of summer are nostalgic and soothing.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I kind of get that. Lying on the beach with my eye closed not caring if someone comes up and steals something from me. Pool sounds might be different. All that yelling about “no horseplay” and the like. But yeah, it’s nostalgic to the time before swimming was less about being self-conscience and more about cooling off.

  2. kayennepeppa says:

    You are such a cranky hermit! Laughter. How about squealing. I hate the sounds of children squealing and stomping up the sidewalk. And razor scooters. Such a dreadful sound.

    I like the sounds of frogs and toads, because you know they’re going to eat the bugs. It’s also cool to watch bats. Hear them, not so much.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I am most definitely cranky and a hermit but not a cranky hermit. I have a soft spot for all reptiles (not snakes) so I get that sound. Watching bats scares me though. I hate their fat flapping wings. It sounds like a towel being punched.

  3. I was born on the day Preparation H came on the market.
    I was destined to be a pain in the ass to the universe…
    But they invented a soothing ointment to lessen my powers.
    (Ointment is a fun word to say)

  4. Lily says:

    I really like the sounds of summer, mugginess and everything. I just like being warm and being able to go outside whenever I want and not be freezing. I remember that who cicada thing though! My friend convinced me that she heard hundreds near the park where she worked. Classic over exaggerator.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I imagined the cicadas to be so strong that they could lift me and carry me away. I don’t know why I was so stupid. Even a large amount of balloons wouldn’t be able to do that.

  5. I don’t mind a little laughter, a giggle here, a chortle there, even some snickering is okay in small doses. It’s just when you get to the obnoxious howling guffaws and cackles, especially with large groups of people that it gets annoying. Unless it’s an evil cackle. Those are acceptable.

  6. You kind of remind me of one of our old Italian patients. She’s such crabby old lady but so unassumingly funny because her crabbiness makes for some hilarious one liners. That’s probably what keeps me coming back to your blog.

    As for seasonal sounds, I love summer. Mostly because that’s the time when my neighbours run shirtless down the street. He makes no particular sound when he does, but then again I was always more of a visual gal anyway.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Wouldn’t it be pretty freaky if I was an old Italian female patient? Let me know if she’s single. I could use a good mistress.

      I always forget how in love with joggers I get. I wish women could run shirtless. Can’t they if there’s tape on their nipples? Girls need to do that more often.

  7. renxkyoko says:

    The sounds of lawnmowers on Saturday mornings…. that’s what I like.

    Cheers.

  8. Pete Howorth says:

    I can tell you now, Prep H does not work. 😦

  9. Cafe says:

    “The cicada opened its wings and did an impression of the dinosaur from Jurassic Park who sprayed the tar on Newman from Seinfeld. I turned around and run away with my dog.” <— Hahahaha! This made me laugh, especially considering that I once saw what I believe was a cicada in Asia and I had the exact same reaction. *SHUDDER*

    I hate the summer heat too, you're not the only one. Makes me sweaty, tired and in a serial killing mood too 🙂

  10. SingingTuna says:

    Are you one of my cousins’ kids? You’ve GOT to be a relative. This is too familiar to be just by chance. Half my family faints when the temps go over 60F. My favorite sound of summer is the clank of a snow shovel when I get it out from behind all the summer garage crap and pray to it for snow and dry armpits.
    Cicadas! They’re very very noisy, and LOL yes…the Axl Roses of the insect kingdom (at least where we live — other parts of the world won’t agree).

    Summer laughter… :: sigh:: That sound carries so far! Mix it with little kids’ splashing in water and the scent of barbecue and I want to bury myself headfirst in a vat of boiling oil. NO ONE can possibly be that happy. They’re just torturing the rest of the world with their summer fun because they can.

    This is a terrific post. It made me want to laugh and give someone a Hawaiian Punch, all at the same time.
    BRAVO!!!!!!!!!!

    PS: When I post about the cicada-killers you’ll be thrilled. The wasps kidnap them, bite them to knock them out, then carry them down into their burrows where their wasp-children eat them. Well, I could have some of that wrong. But it’s close.

    Thank you for telling me about this.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks for going back and reading!

      I doubt we’re related. I have like 10 living relatives I know about and most are distant. Wouldn’t it be cool if we were related though? Someone could make a documentary about us and we’d be rich.

      I really hope the wasps choke on the cicadas when they eat them. I hate bags a lot. ::shivers::

      • SingingTuna says:

        Haaa! I’ve got more relatives than there are cicadas, but I don’t know a lot of them. That’ll change if my lottery ticket’s a winner, though. They’ll all show up at my door if it does.

        Here’s a picture that makes me want to scream. It’s an adult hand. Those wasps are huge.

      • Mooselicker says:

        ::breaks computer and never goes back online::

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