Weird Kids

At some point in the 1990s, terrorists infiltrated the water systems to my neighborhood. They put massive amounts of some foreign substance in the water and the children of the town drank it up. That’s the only explanation I have for how many weird kids I have met in my life. To name them all would take forever. Instead I am going to limit this to a particular page I have in my 8^th grade yearbook. A page I designated as the page only to be signed by the strangest people in school.

Boomhauer – Like with most things, I am not going to use real names. I’m also Facebook friends with this guy and his brother. I would really hate for them to learn how to read and then come after me. I give him the name Boomhauer because he sounded exactly like the character from King of the Hill with the same name. He talked fast and for some reason had a southern drawl. In 6^th grade he attacked me with a yellow wiffle ball bat. By attack I mean he picked it up, pointed it at me, and said something that could not be understood. His walk could be described as quick. His shoulder hung low and would sway back and forth. If he was 40 years older he could have invented a popular dance in the 1970s based off of how he walked. He tried befriending me in high school. I would only talk to him in gym class because I had no one else to talk to. Boomhauer would ramble about wanting to be a mechanic. In my yearbook he wrote “Have a nice summer” then signed his name in a different colored pen. He also forgot the dot in the exclamation point. Bastard. Now he pretends he’s Spanish because he’s dating a Spanish girl. His trademark look is his thin early puberty mustache and glasses. I swear he’s never shaved that thing. It looks the way Vanessa Hudgen’s vagina looked in that fabulous leaked photo of her from a few years ago.

Fireball – This actually was the kid’s real name, he claimed. Fireball claimed to be a God I think. He was a short fat black kid who was a grade below me. I think he got too caught up in some fantasy game. I had a fish named Fireball so I always took a liking to this classmate. I think the only conversation I ever had with him was when I asked him to sign my yearbook. He wrote his name in huge block letter and didn’t even include his last name. He wrote “Ready for high school cause I know I am” which was a lie because I’m pretty sure he wasn’t ready for much. I have no clue whatever happened to Fireball. I just hope he’s somewhere safe, like away from all humans.

Lollipop – “Yo Tim have a great summer and maybe I will see you again” wrote this weird kid. I never did see Lollipop again. The way Lollipop got his name was in 6^th grade we were given laminated maps to draw on with laminated markers. Mrs. Ashton was hung over. It was a nice silent activity and out of nowhere he mumbles something that phonetically sounded like “blah blu blah fwa” then added “I drew a lollipop!” He lifted his map in the air to show us that he indeed did draw a lollipop extending from South America all the way across the Atlantic into somewhere in Germany. Lollipop had red hair so it kind of makes sense how retarded he was. Lollipop and I actually become somewhat friends. By that I mean he made fun of me for having dry skin on my face but also at one point tried helping to get a girl to dance with me. I guess things even out like that.

Mr. Douglas – Sixth grade was a strange year for me. Seventh was the one where everyone picked on me, but sixth was the one where I met a lot of weirdos. Mr. Douglas was one of them. He gets his name because on the very first day of school he came up to my friend and I (this was the same day that Boomhouer attacked us and in the same spot) and he asked us a question about our principal, Mr. Douglas. Thing is, Mr. Douglas wasn’t our principal’s name yet this idiot thought it was. So if you’re taking notes, Mr. Douglas doesn’t exist. He had apparently read some paper sent home or the student handbook and they used an example principal as Mr. Douglas. He had assumed that was our principal’s name too. I didn’t talk to him much after that. We were divided into two groups in that school, the Lenapes and the Mohawks. Our school mascot was also a Native American with a gigantic nose. After 9/11 they changed it to the Stars and Stripes. You go from honorable indigenous people to exploding masses of gas and a row of parallel lines. Yeah that’s cooler and patriotic. In my yearbook he wrote his name upside down. I guess he wanted to be an ass. Or maybe he was that stupid. It wouldn’t surprise me. He always wore horrible clothing. For some reason in my head he looked like Doug Funnie with a pedophile mustache.

You’re welcome one person who actually enjoyed reading this because you know who everyone is.

Who were some of the strange kids you knew?