Weird Kids

Posted: April 9, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,

At some point in the 1990s, terrorists infiltrated the water systems to my neighborhood. They put massive amounts of some foreign substance in the water and the children of the town drank it up. That’s the only explanation I have for how many weird kids I have met in my life. To name them all would take forever. Instead I am going to limit this to a particular page I have in my 8th grade yearbook. A page I designated as the page only to be signed by the strangest people in school.

Boomhauer – Like with most things, I am not going to use real names. I’m also Facebook friends with this guy and his brother. I would really hate for them to learn how to read and then come after me. I give him the name Boomhauer because he sounded exactly like the character from King of the Hill with the same name. He talked fast and for some reason had a southern drawl. In 6th grade he attacked me with a yellow wiffle ball bat. By attack I mean he picked it up, pointed it at me, and said something that could not be understood. His walk could be described as quick. His shoulder hung low and would sway back and forth. If he was 40 years older he could have invented a popular dance in the 1970s based off of how he walked. He tried befriending me in high school. I would only talk to him in gym class because I had no one else to talk to. Boomhauer would ramble about wanting to be a mechanic. In my yearbook he wrote “Have a nice summer” then signed his name in a different colored pen. He also forgot the dot in the exclamation point. Bastard. Now he pretends he’s Spanish because he’s dating a Spanish girl. His trademark look is his thin early puberty mustache and glasses. I swear he’s never shaved that thing. It looks the way Vanessa Hudgen’s vagina looked in that fabulous leaked photo of her from a few years ago.

Fireball – This actually was the kid’s real name, he claimed. Fireball claimed to be a God I think. He was a short fat black kid who was a grade below me. I think he got too caught up in some fantasy game. I had a fish named Fireball so I always took a liking to this classmate. I think the only conversation I ever had with him was when I asked him to sign my yearbook. He wrote his name in huge block letter and didn’t even include his last name. He wrote “Ready for high school cause I know I am” which was a lie because I’m pretty sure he wasn’t ready for much. I have no clue whatever happened to Fireball. I just hope he’s somewhere safe, like away from all humans.

Lollipop – “Yo Tim have a great summer and maybe I will see you again” wrote this weird kid. I never did see Lollipop again. The way Lollipop got his name was in 6th grade we were given laminated maps to draw on with laminated markers. Mrs. Ashton was hung over. It was a nice silent activity and out of nowhere he mumbles something that phonetically sounded like “blah blu blah fwa” then added “I drew a lollipop!” He lifted his map in the air to show us that he indeed did draw a lollipop extending from South America all the way across the Atlantic into somewhere in Germany. Lollipop had red hair so it kind of makes sense how retarded he was. Lollipop and I actually become somewhat friends. By that I mean he made fun of me for having dry skin on my face but also at one point tried helping to get a girl to dance with me. I guess things even out like that.

Mr. Douglas – Sixth grade was a strange year for me. Seventh was the one where everyone picked on me, but sixth was the one where I met a lot of weirdos. Mr. Douglas was one of them. He gets his name because on the very first day of school he came up to my friend and I (this was the same day that Boomhouer attacked us and in the same spot) and he asked us a question about our principal, Mr. Douglas. Thing is, Mr. Douglas wasn’t our principal’s name yet this idiot thought it was. So if you’re taking notes, Mr. Douglas doesn’t exist. He had apparently read some paper sent home or the student handbook and they used an example principal as Mr. Douglas. He had assumed that was our principal’s name too. I didn’t talk to him much after that. We were divided into two groups in that school, the Lenapes and the Mohawks. Our school mascot was also a Native American with a gigantic nose. After 9/11 they changed it to the Stars and Stripes. You go from honorable indigenous people to exploding masses of gas and a row of parallel lines. Yeah that’s cooler and patriotic. In my yearbook he wrote his name upside down. I guess he wanted to be an ass. Or maybe he was that stupid. It wouldn’t surprise me. He always wore horrible clothing. For some reason in my head he looked like Doug Funnie with a pedophile mustache.

You’re welcome one person who actually enjoyed reading this because you know who everyone is.

Who were some of the strange kids you knew?

  1. pardonmyzinger says:

    Thank You.

    I still can’t figure out who Boomhauer was though.

  2. pardonmyzinger says:

    I thought Fireball was Sam Strong. Now I have no idea who it is.

  3. When I look back in my year book now, I remember people’s faces and some names but all the real loser people have blurred together. I know, that’s super nice of me to say. Actually some of the popular guys have blurred together, too. In my mind their morphing into a super jock with no personality. haha!

    • Mooselicker says:

      A super jock sounds like some sort of Power Ranger thing. How they’d all form their stupid cars together and become a dinosaurs. I guess this super jock would just drink beer and talk about sporting achievements from 25 years ago.

      • That’s exactly right. They stay stuck in their “glory days.” No one ever bothers to tell them that they were buffoons then and now. I’ve seen the pictures from some of the reunions and let me tell you, it’s not pretty.

  4. renxkyoko says:

    Several…. there was one whom a classmate saw was picking his nose and tasted it ??? Not sure that he did that. At recess, a classmate accidentally touched his hand, she ran off screaming and touched me ( to pass on the germs to me, I guess ), then I touched a classmate, and she touched another…. Booger boy ran off to the Principal’s office, crying like a girl, and snitched…. Right there and then, the Principal called my Mom and was asked to picked me up ( there were 4 of us ) from school, and was told I was suspended for 2 days. Zero tolerance for bullying. One year after ( 6th grade ) Booger boy confessed to me ,lol ! ” I like you, okay ? ” Then he ran off…. and followed me , like a leech, so I gave up and told him okay, we’re going steady. After a few weeks, I told him ” we’re off “, later same day, a classmate saw him crying in the toilet. Geez, this is like a short blog ! LOL

    • Mooselicker says:

      Awww poor booger boy. You gave him a chance though. You looked passed his unusual taste in foods and tried to give him a happy life.

      Shouldn’t he have been suspended too for being such a disgusting baby?

  5. This sort of makes me wish I still had my 8th grade yearbook so I could write a post talking shit about all the freak jobs at my middle school…

  6. breezyk says:

    I enjoy that you made them all sign the page in your yearbook.. its like a time capsule of weirdness.

    • Mooselicker says:

      If they had any sense the 4th one to sign it would have looked and thought “damn why am I on the page with all these creeps” but no they had no sense between them.

  7. Lily says:

    Doug Funnie is one of my favorite people ever. Congrats for spelling his name correctly. Yearbooks are so great. This was such a good post idea! You should’ve gifted this idea to me. I knew some really stupid people in high school too but they made life so much more colorful didn’t they?

    • Mooselicker says:

      I can’t trusted your family with blog ideas. You seem to be thieving them from each other. Who knows if you’re all just one person? That’d be strange if all of my followers were the same dude.

      I agree on the colorfulness of these characters. I’ll never forget them and their ability to never do anything with their lives.

  8. Were you really divided in those two groups? Hilarious :).
    Maybe the wierdest kid is me. One of my classmates once siad I always have this weird view on things.
    Weird people are everywhere… I can’t think of one that is worst than the others.

    • Mooselicker says:

      If you think you’re weird then you might not be. It’s those people who you wonder if they can have an intelligent caring thought at all that puzzle me. I’m sure you’re weird in a good way. I say that with the nicest of intentions.

      • Haha, thanks, Moose.
        You’re right. In the end, everyone seems to call himself ‘a bit weird’. But if everyone’s weird, than weird is normal.
        Stuff to think about.

  9. I once knew of two sisters named “Apple” and ” Orange”…but Fireball…that`s just weird.

    • Mooselicker says:

      If we’re playing Rock, Paper, Scissors with names Fireball beats them all. Nothing can destroy a fireball. Except maybe moving out of the way. Kind of a useless thing if it doesn’t hit you.

      Now I want fruit.

  10. You ain’t met weird kids till you grew up in the Bay Area in the 60s and 70s. We were weird, and for the 60s we all dressed like we went to a garage sale at the Brady Bunch house, or even the Partridge family home. And did I mention it was the Bay Area?
    And why do you have so many cute followers?

    • Mooselicker says:

      Someday I will build a time machine, travel back to the 90s, have that version of me travel back 30 years to the Bay Area, then grow up just so I can say to you “No, I know exactly what it was like.”

      Cute followers: Always comment on the cute girl’s blogs. And don’t talk about your penis too much. A little is fine, but keep it to a minimum.

  11. Kenneth J. says:

    So…If you do not really remember any of the weird kids, does that mean you were one…?

  12. Most of the weird kids in highschool involved the ones who had funky BO. One guy used to smell like urine all the time. He had the hottest girl in our grade chasing after him for some reason. I dont know who was weirder.
    I really had to think about the other weirdos in my highschool and the scary part was I think Ì was actually one of those weird people. 😦

  13. I always thought that everyone else was weird growing up. Turns out, I was the weird one. Talk about awkward.

  14. The Waiting says:

    I don’t remember details of the weird kids in school too clearly. Does this mean I was one of them? I always thought I was just nerdy but I can see there being an overlap.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Were you ever asked to sign a yearbook page with a bunch of other freaks with glass eyes and 5 personalities? If you’re not positive that it’s a no then I’d say you were one of those weird kids.

  15. If only I had a yearbook.

  16. […] life has had two cars in it. My first was a 1998 Red Dodge Intrepid. Boomhauer from my post Weird Kids would always tell me that it was a Chrysler. I knew it wasn’t a Chrysler because it said Dodge on […]

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