OMG did you hear about–followed by anything is how all gossip statements begin. Unless it’s a deaf person gossiping. They probably don’t gossip much. All gossip comes from eavesdropping. All a deaf person can gossip about are colors or fonts. Blind people would be really good gossips. Like that awful superhero Daredevil. Oh look he’s blind. So inspirational for a blind kid. Too bad blind kids don’t see comic book movies. If I had a blind kid who was misbehaving and he asked me to buy him a comic book I would give him something boring like a car manual. He’d hang out with his friends saying how cool the Hobgoblin is and they’ll make faces at him as he rambles about things he made up. Stupid made up blind son of mine.

I’m somebody who enjoys a good gossiping session. Deep down inside, I know it’s wrong. But around that deep down inside I know it’s enjoyable. Gossiping allows us to bond with others by shitting on mutual acquaintances. Some of the greatest friendships of all-time have been formed through gossiping. Take Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden for instance. Oh wait, they weren’t friends. The war in Iraq was started under false pretenses. George Bush, you’ve just been burned!

(George Burns really needs a practical joke show with that slogan)

The first time I remember gossiping was on the school bus in 2nd grade. Okay, maybe it wasn’t gossiping. But I remember sitting next to my friend whispering curse words into each other’s ears. Still, that one kid in our class was scientifically speaking a bastard so maybe we were gossiping. I don’t really know when I first gossiped. When you’re young there’s not much to say. People with ducks on their underwear usually don’t have very interesting lives. What kind a 2nd grader really gossip about? Which girl in the class poops the longest?

I’m older and more experienced now which means I can gossip easier. Children are more honest so they will tell you how fat you are while over your friend Matt’s house or they’ll instant message you in a cruel manner saying how her brother told her that you were fat. Why did both of those girls have to grow up to be hot too? Stupid bitches. I’m sure they gossip plenty. That’s why women get murdered. They gossip way too damn much.

(The cast of Gossip Girl. All 8 of these women look like they should be killed. Yes, any guy who looks like that is clearly a woman)

Sometimes I feel like I’m a gay man or a woman. I don’t cry in public, wear spaghetti straps, or go out of my way to get a fat-free dressing (actually that one I might do) or do any of the other ridiculous things those two minority groups do. I think it’s my ability to gossip that makes me a viable candidate to befriend women. I guess I can be catty at times. I feel like such a bitch when I get with “the girls” and criticize others. When I say “the girls” I mean any group of friends. I only tend to make friends with other highly critical males and we have our little circle of bashing. We always make sure to insult gay people as much as possible. That way nobody things that behind our fat-free yogurts or fuzzy navels that we might be one of them.

(You know you’re a tough guy when Nathan Lane is one of your friends)

But maybe I’m not so much a gossip as I am an insulter. Gossip to me represents more than hate. You can gossip about someone because they embarrassed themselves, you’re jealous of them, or they did something incredibly stupid. My gossiping starts and ends with saying how much I hate them and why what they’re doing is wrong. To be a true gossip girl you must also be public friends with whoever you’re gossiping about. I don’t so much gossip about people I know and like as much as I join in on the fray whenever I hear certain names mentioned.

Do you gossip? What are your feelings on gossipers? If I didn’t have these questions here, would you have said something completely different? Do you not think that these questions were already implied and that you’re just wasting your time reading this last paragraph?

  1. Addie says:

    Well, I heard from someone else heard from someone who read about a blog who knows about a blog not quite as funny as this one who read a Tweet that there was a chance this particular subject may come up, but, they don’t want to be named, so, I thought I’d make a cup of coffee, adjust my curlers, watch my soaps and see what happens.

  2. Gossiping is wrong but it might be okay when it’s about celebrities – I feel like they’re fair game. I mean who cares. But I really don’t like gossiping about friends, family or anyone in my community. It just seems wrong. I fear one day I’ll be on the receiving end. haha!

    And yes, it’s always tempting – I agree. It’s also a great way to get in a conversation with people.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Can gossiping be good though? Or maybe there’s another word for that. I guess in our heads gossiping seems too much like making up something about someone and passing it along. It’s like that game telephone. One time we played that in kindergarten. Dave Harney kept whispering bad words into my ear. For some reason I felt tempted to pass it along to the girl next to me not realizing she wouldn’t get that “poopy” wasn’t the actual word being spread around. She passed it along and somehow it ended up being something about sheep. The teacher should have quit after that day.

  3. Just do the award, dang it. Stop stalling. I want to see my name up in lights all over your blog!
    I am blog-blocking you, dude!
    And gossip is evil. Just say no! (On the other hand, it never hurts to have a little intel on your fellow human beings… just to keep on top of whatever they might be up to)…

  4. I don’t know if blind people would be that good at gossip. They would not be able to tell if they were talking behind someones back or not.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Unless they reach forward and feel neck hair. Then it’s somewhat safe to assume. Unless they’re touching a forearm. Some hairy forearms feel like hairy necks.

  5. The Waiting says:

    That one girl in the picture of Gossip Girl totally looks like a vampire. Now thts a plot twist I can dig.

  6. renxkyoko says:

    I don’t gossip, for some reason. I can tell you that in all honesty. My friends gossip, but I dont add anything to the conversation…. anything unpleasant, that is… unless if it’s like some kind of an update. I feel bad when the update is not so good.

    • Mooselicker says:

      You’re the unwilling messenger to their evil games. I don’t really have too many people to gossip about. Everyone I know doesn’t know each other so for all they know I’m just making people up. I should do that more often, make up friends with incredibly interesting lives.

  7. Lily says:

    I feel bad about gossiping, but I always do it. I don’t always say things in a judgemental way, I just like to talk about things. One time my friend was kind of bashing on another friend of mine and I was agreeing with her and stuff, and then my other friend saw our convo. I felt so bad. Because when one person gossips, you can’t just not say anything right?

    • Mooselicker says:

      Especially when you don’t care at all you have to agree. Nodding and smiling is the way to get anyone to shut up. Was this an IM conversation? It seems like you might have been crossed on this one. Take this so called gossiping “friend” of yours out for a car ride into the woods never to return.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I also don’t know why I answered this like a Dear Abby.

  8. Pete Howorth says:

    8 of those women?! But there are only 7?

    I often gossip, and end it with the line “You didn’t hear it from me” or “But don’t say anything” just like the person who told me before had just said. I sometimes start off with how I hate them, like Michelle who recently left my work, I constantly wish for her death because of how much she’s screwed me over at work.

    Stupid bitch.

    • Mooselicker says:

      8 is the new 7. Actually there’s a midget on the cost. If you look closely you can see the top of his hairline in the bottom left corner.

      That’s a good thing to say at the end of gossip. I know reporters have to use “allegedly” now. All that makes me think is that it’s not true at all.

  9. Geez..I’m away from my computer for a weekend and you already have THREE blog posts up :S You mentioned somewhere that you dont have internet at home. I know this because I creep other people’s comments. How the hell you post so often? :S

    Anyway, back to this post. I gossip all the time. The best gossip sessions are the ones I have with my boss. But I feel guilty about it. Then again, I’m catholic so there isnt much I dont feel guilty about. Even when you said mean things about my childhood dreamboats The Moffatts, I had thoughts of punching you, but then I immediately felt guilty 😦 This has nothing to do with gossiping. I’m more comfortable with insulting. Same guilt, more fun.

    • Mooselicker says:

      You’re the one stalking me now? Remember, I have a tour guide book of all of Ontario. There’s little places to hide from me.

      I agree completely with insulting over gossiping. It’s more ballsy anyway. I couldn’t imagine being Catholic with the guilt I already have. I feel terrible about teasing you about the Moffats 😦

      I’ll give you this, even though your favorite turned out to be gay, they totally look like they would have been straight bullies. Totally 90s kids right there. I could see them hanging out with Johnathon Taylor Thomas.

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