OMG did you hear about–followed by anything is how all gossip statements begin. Unless it’s a deaf person gossiping. They probably don’t gossip much. All gossip comes from eavesdropping. All a deaf person can gossip about are colors or fonts. Blind people would be really good gossips. Like that awful superhero Daredevil. Oh look he’s blind. So inspirational for a blind kid. Too bad blind kids don’t see comic book movies. If I had a blind kid who was misbehaving and he asked me to buy him a comic book I would give him something boring like a car manual. He’d hang out with his friends saying how cool the Hobgoblin is and they’ll make faces at him as he rambles about things he made up. Stupid made up blind son of mine.
I’m somebody who enjoys a good gossiping session. Deep down inside, I know it’s wrong. But around that deep down inside I know it’s enjoyable. Gossiping allows us to bond with others by shitting on mutual acquaintances. Some of the greatest friendships of all-time have been formed through gossiping. Take Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden for instance. Oh wait, they weren’t friends. The war in Iraq was started under false pretenses. George Bush, you’ve just been burned!
(George Burns really needs a practical joke show with that slogan)
The first time I remember gossiping was on the school bus in 2nd grade. Okay, maybe it wasn’t gossiping. But I remember sitting next to my friend whispering curse words into each other’s ears. Still, that one kid in our class was scientifically speaking a bastard so maybe we were gossiping. I don’t really know when I first gossiped. When you’re young there’s not much to say. People with ducks on their underwear usually don’t have very interesting lives. What kind a 2nd grader really gossip about? Which girl in the class poops the longest?
I’m older and more experienced now which means I can gossip easier. Children are more honest so they will tell you how fat you are while over your friend Matt’s house or they’ll instant message you in a cruel manner saying how her brother told her that you were fat. Why did both of those girls have to grow up to be hot too? Stupid bitches. I’m sure they gossip plenty. That’s why women get murdered. They gossip way too damn much.
(The cast of Gossip Girl. All 8 of these women look like they should be killed. Yes, any guy who looks like that is clearly a woman)
Sometimes I feel like I’m a gay man or a woman. I don’t cry in public, wear spaghetti straps, or go out of my way to get a fat-free dressing (actually that one I might do) or do any of the other ridiculous things those two minority groups do. I think it’s my ability to gossip that makes me a viable candidate to befriend women. I guess I can be catty at times. I feel like such a bitch when I get with “the girls” and criticize others. When I say “the girls” I mean any group of friends. I only tend to make friends with other highly critical males and we have our little circle of bashing. We always make sure to insult gay people as much as possible. That way nobody things that behind our fat-free yogurts or fuzzy navels that we might be one of them.
(You know you’re a tough guy when Nathan Lane is one of your friends)
But maybe I’m not so much a gossip as I am an insulter. Gossip to me represents more than hate. You can gossip about someone because they embarrassed themselves, you’re jealous of them, or they did something incredibly stupid. My gossiping starts and ends with saying how much I hate them and why what they’re doing is wrong. To be a true gossip girl you must also be public friends with whoever you’re gossiping about. I don’t so much gossip about people I know and like as much as I join in on the fray whenever I hear certain names mentioned.
Do you gossip? What are your feelings on gossipers? If I didn’t have these questions here, would you have said something completely different? Do you not think that these questions were already implied and that you’re just wasting your time reading this last paragraph?